The Mezunian

Die Positivität ist das Opium des Volkes, aber der Spott ist das Opium der Verrückten

EXTRA: Moderate Liberals Known for Pragmatism Utter Failures

After the Democrats were utterly crushed by the Republicans in congress, the senate, & governors seats, the web was full o’ liberal articles trying not to outright lie ’bout how they failed—something that conservatives would surely have no problem with doing if the positions were reversed—but not hinting that this may mean they could be failures, a writing genre that causes much joy for conservatives & bitter anarchists who hate everyone ’cept other bitter anarchists, probably ’cause it helps both groups repress the sheer horror that is our existence without giving our eyeballs to buy alcohol.

Sadly for our entertainment, the Daily Kos wrote ’bout the issue with cynical honesty—as they are wont to do—including well-earned resentment gainst the American public, hilariously pathetic—& yet also awesome, somehow—passive-aggression gainst the Republicans through the revolutionary threat o’ parliamentary gridlock, & depressed acceptance that they will only ever succeed half the time. Apparently nobody told Kos that that’s glorious socialism he’s talking ’bout: power isn’t held completely by 1 tiny club o’ rich elites but is shared by 2 o’ them. Meanwhile, grumpy reactionary Kos wants to take ’way the Republicans “Everyone Wins Sometimes Trophy,” & as a spineless liberal, I don’t approve o’ this white-&-black morality. Can’t we afford any true colors for once? Like purple or magenta or Granny Smith Apple?

The New York Times gave us a balance ’tween some guy rightfully calling Obama an inconsistent hypocrite after spewing some poetic nonsense ’bout the fun o’ standing round for hours so one can write on paper, as opposed to the evils o’ not writing on paper; some robot spewing mindless Republican propaganda without even trying to ’splain his rationale; & the typical whining ’bout negativity & how we should all hold hands, cry, & stick dicks & dildos in each others bums (I prefer to stick dicks in bums without the crying, thank you).

Paul Krugman hasn’t seemed to post anything on his blog yet, so I’ll assume he drowned himself in cheap whiskey.

I checked the Washington Post, but their shit was boring, so fuck them.

Noah Smith doesn’t mention the election; but I just want to point out this grossly incestuous article wherein he handjobs ’nother economist handjobbing economists—the very job he happens to be a part o’, coincidentally ’nough!—for being “priests of the free [sic] market” & tricking Americans into accepting an economic system, even if they lied ’bout its shitty points for propagandist purposes. This is all very true, & we should, indeed, admire economists in their brilliant trickery. Good job, economists!

But don’t worry: Smith also has hope that these same economists will fix the fuck-ups that they caused. The important point is that economists can never fail, ’cause failures are simply opportunities for future success!

Anarchist Writers didn’t write ’bout the election ’cause they’re too cool for it, even if their website looks like somebody just puked its elements straight onto the screen without further arrangement.

Zombie Marx, surprisingly, shows excitement for the Republican victory, primarily ’cause it meant “Death to Slavery” for him, though I don’t know if I should take someone who still uses the word “Negro”—with a capital, the dirty capitalist—to refer to black people as an expert in racial issues.

Admittedly, Marx may truly be excited simply ’cause 1 o’ his socialist mind servants is the Republican foreign minister, which he will surely use to conquer the US from the inside.

I refused to read any o’ The Atlantic’s articles ’cause the style o’ just the titles & sentence-long blurbs made me want to vomit. Also, 1 o’ their “headlines” is just the same “Writers, don’t stop writing, even if you don’t want to, you lazy shits” cliché every writing “guide” under the moon has spewed.

Nobody cares what The Guardian says ’cause they’re dirty Brits, you don’t own us anymo’!

O, all right, I’ll mention 1 article—just 1!—wherein they argued that conservatives won with a mix o’ aiming attention @ how shitty Obama is, hiding the fact that they’re conservatives, & aiming for the majority o’ Americans’ focus on the pettiest o’ nonissues. You can’t fault a good strategy.

Meanwhile, The Nation vacillates ’tween denialist exclamations o’ some puny victories liberals scrounged in the bloodbath—the blood wasn’t the Democrats’, ’course, who still live in luxury, but o’ Yemenese still being droned to death—& whines ’bout how the Republicans cheated, anyway, so there. Strangely, these arguments that the election is rigged in favor o’ the rich—which are, indeed, mo’ likely to be true than not1—doesn’t stop liberals from emphasizing the importance o’ voting in this rigged election. My response would be less, “Man, this bites,” & mo’, “O my god, I just realized that the United States is a tyrannical oligarchy! We’re fucked!”

So you all understand how much better I am than all o’ these people I make fun o’ without being deigned to receive a response, I want you all to know that I consider the election rigged & invalid when both o’ the Republicans & Democrats win. Everyone knows that the only valid elections are those in which the Englesist Magical Socialism party wins2.

The response will likely be the same as has always been: we must work harder to vote Democrat next election in the hopes that this time they won’t lose &/or won’t suck, I can feel it this time. Granted, what else can you do—other than bitch ’bout it during lunch break, which has already been working wonderfully.

I mean, ’course we can always just overthrow the government, blow up the white house, or call government officials mean words that make centrists cry—& making centrists cry is enjoyable—but then you know ’nother’s just going to pop up, & that gets tiring after a while. They’re like those tax-evading churches in SimCity 2000.

Which brings me to the true tragedy o’ this Republican victory: that it came without a victory by Herman Cain & his amazing 9-9-9 tax plan, as well as his mo’ obscure law mandating that “Virtual Village” play whenever a park is built.

Do you think the government’s like those tax-evading churches in SimCity 2000 & never go ’way or do you think the Englesist Magical Socialist revolution will succeed & finally end all poverty, sadness, & that groggy feeling you get after sleeping late into afternoon? Well, fuck off: I don’t care ’bout your opinion.

1 Disregarding Goldman’s incoherent rebuke, which involves mistaking democracy for the meaningless value judgment, “individual freedom,” in opposition to the dangerous populist movements that stand round in parks & do nothing. Said “individual freedom” mo’ oft than not translates mo’ accurately to “the minority controlling the majority, ’cept it’s good that they’re doing it this time, ’cause it benefits my rich buddies.”

2 You may be questioning the contradiction ’tween me claiming to be Englesist here & claiming to be anarchist earlier. We will be coming to silence you promptly.

No need to send us your address; we already know where you live. Awfully polite, though.


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Posted in Elections, Politics