The Mezunian

Die Positivität ist das Opium des Volkes, aber der Spott ist das Opium der Verrückten

An Ocarina of Tim the Toolman Taylor Review in which I Agree with the Conclusion & Find the Arguments Delightfully Hilarious

Obviously this review is facetious: but I give this review credit for a’least being funny.

The highlights:

You can’t jump in Ocarina of Timeless Piece of Crap. It ruins the game. Why can’t you jump? Is there something wrong with your legs? In UnderTale, not only can you jump and even double jump, you can even triple murder jump. I know Zelda is white, but if you really think white men can’t jump, then you’re racist. Anyway, even if it was true, he’s only a man for half the game. The rest of the time, he’s a kid and I can tell you my two boys can jump, so why not in this game? Plus, he wears a skirt, so you can’t use the excuse that his jeans are too tight and he doesn’t want to tear them.

[…]

I tried to show Cockarina of Time to my five year old, but as soon as he saw the title screen, he flicked his lit cigarette at me, told me to “Eat it, you old fuck,” and screeched away on his motorcycle. I haven’t seen him since. This game destroys families.

I wouldn’t bother reading any o’ the later 1s. I read the Super Mario Bros. 3 1 & it’s clear this person used all their jokes on this review.

Posted in Video Games, What the Fuck Is this Shit?

I Can’t Believe It’s Not the Onion, Volume II

I Must Know the Identity of This Woman Who Brought an iMac on a Train

Actually, I’m not sure if this is satirical, so it very well may be a kind o’ The Onion. The 1 comment seems to make fun o’ the “controversy”. That’s The Onion problem, after all: news is so ridiculous, it’s impossible to tell genuine from parody.

What I do know is that looking @ the tweet page itself I saw numerous news agency asking the guy for permission to use the photo in their paper. & then I just thought o’ all the much mo’ important stories they could be talking ’bout ‘stead… Hmm…

Posted in What the Fuck Is this Shit?, Yuppy Tripe

The Headquarters Has Been Abandoned Due to a Lack o’ Chocolate Sprinkles

I think I need to take a break from saying stupid things ’bout programming languages my bipolar personality will probably make me love next month — Lambda Associates e’en guaranteed me — or… everything to do with politics.

So I’m going to go on a nostalgia cruise & read ol’ pages from SMBHQ; & what a better section to read than “Memories”. I fondly remember reading these pages when I was like 10 & had the flu & was blissfully unaware o’ Hairpieces or “racial realism”, when the only thing I knew ’bout Republicans was that they were the elephant, & when the only thing I knew ’bout Bob Dole was… actually, I still only know Bob Dole as the stick-figure avatar o’ the author o’ those sprite comics. ¿Who the hell is Bob Dole?

So, I went with “Week 25”, which the navigation assured me was “new”, as it has assured me since 2004 @ the latest. There’s definitely something new ’bout it, though: I ne’er remembered the starry purple background that looks like it belongs on Livejournal. It truly makes the Toad & dead Wart faces stand out, what with their backgrounds still being white rectangles & all. We still hadn’t developed the technology for transparency in GIFs back then… Well, I & many other had; but not a big site like SMBHQ.

But let’s not spend too much time on that. Let’s relive some memories:

My favorite memory from mario was beating super mario world for the first time. I was 6 and I had been playing all night it was 3 in the morning when I finnally hit bowser with the last koopa thing. When he died at the end I ran through the house screaming I finnally beat it.

Shakespearean — the lack o’ spelling consistency, I mean. As you can see, these were simpler times when beating a child’s game was actually considered exciting & teens danced by shifting their stiff bodies slightly & looking as bored as they possibly could. Ah, the 90s.

This is a good mario memory. After 1 year I finally beat paper mario. I got sooooo happy when I beat bowser. I was happy for the rest of the day. Thank you ninetendo for such a great game.

Thank you, um… Toad… for being such a sophisticated computer generated memory for the 90s.

Anyway, let’s skip the the good memories, ’cause they’re just a bunch o’ people talking ’bout beating a game everyone’s already beaten or getting some bourgeoisie toy from Burger King. Ah, ¿remember the days when I didn’t know anything ’bout the word “bourgeoisie” & my only conception o’ communists… Nope, I still think all communists are Boris & Natasha trying to bomb Rocky & Bullwinkle. That also hasn’t changed.

Also, ¿do you remember when you implanted that chip in my mind? ’Cause that’s the only way you could remember my private memories. I’m on to you.

Usually the weird memories are the best. Sometimes they’re just subtle glitches caused by fiddling the cartridge or dreams they had; but sometimes you’d get these crazy stories that are certainly made up, like 1 where someone s’posedly got a copy o’ Super Mario RPG wherein Mallow flipped off the player & said, “What the hell”, & the guy who sold the game was arrested — ’cause working @ a store that sold hacked games was a vital crime back then.

Sadly I didn’t find that in this “week”, but I did find 1 I had to add:

This is a weird memory! I was watching the Simpsons episode where Homer goes to clown college. Stuff happens in that episode, but in the end there is this guy who has an Italian accent. I enjoyed listening to it. Then it hit me, Mario speaks with an Italian accent too! So I started up a Mario collection. With more than 230 items it’s the largest Mario collection I know of. Mario trays, books, store displays, Mario movie action figures, dolls, food packages, cards, McDonald happy meal signs, candy, Pez dispensers, sheets, Japanese Mario Kart toys, French mustard glasses, video tapes of the Super Mario Bros. Super Show, and much, much more are seen covering more than half of my room. My friend wants me to start liking Star Wars like he does, but Mario is here to stay, and no one can stop that.

( Laugh. ) That’s some logical trail: “I saw some insignificant character on The Simpsons who had an Italian access & hereafter had a fetish for Italians, which is my primary reason for loving Mario”.

Also, ¿what the hell is a French mustard glass? ¿Do French people drink mustard? ¿Why don’t I get to drink mustard?

If anything, I’d say the bad memories were the strangest ones. The 1st was just some ho-hum story ’bout losing Smash Bros. to a suicidally depressed DK. But look @ this next 1:

Smart Tips For Finding Tips

“Go to GameFAQs”.

What the Expectations of SEO Services Should Be

“Expectation #1: Put random articles ’bout SEO in silly Mario fan site to improve SEO. Google just adores this kind o’ thing”.

Expectation #2 is, “Have your front-page story be a 5-year-ol’ bunk rumor ’bout Shigeru Miyamoto retiring”.

SEO is the acronym for search engine optimization. Search engine optimization can be utilized by a service provider to increase the number of website visitors. High ranking placements in the search results page ensures that this number is increased. Accessibility of a site to a search engine is ensured by this service. Also improved is the probability of the page being ranked highly by the search engine.

“thanks to crappy search engines, I only found dumb articles ’bout which programming language I should learn in 2015 in 2016 ’stead o’ how to find all the bonuses in “Oil Drum Alley”, so I ne’er 100% the game!!!!!”

One should look for a reputable company when choosing SEO agencies.

Like SMBHQ. Those paisanos will fireball any content Piranha Plants that clog the pipes leading straight to the top o’ Google.

The SEO Company that comes first by simply searching on the web is the best.

( Laughs. ) ¿What?

For this reason, for it to be the first to appear on the result page it must have performed highly.

Or they paid Google the most ’cause the 1st entries are ads.

The best need not to be ranked here it is important to note.

This is the kind o’ deep Buddhist koan that I had to ruminate o’er for hours. There’s just too much meaning.

( Laughs ). I’m sorry, I can’t get o’er how the rest o’ the sentences in this paragraph are all simple declarative statements that are all very similar in length.

SEO companies that cannot offer information should not be chosen.

It’s genius insights like these that made SMBHQ the world renowned experts o’ SEO.

Though this, um, “memory” goes on quite long, it ends only with a button asking me to read more. Hovering o’er said button makes said button spasm out.

The next memory, also by that real character, earth7gold@gmail.com, starts with, um, “Study: My Understanding of Sites”…

“Reasons for Using WordPress.”

“What is laziness”. Now, I’ll take “Answers by the Mushroom King” for $200…

Perhaps you have always wanted to design a website but then you do not have the skills.

Unlike SMBHQ, which shows the highest quality o’ web design standards.

Do not worry as WordPress has got your back.

WordPress creepily watches you as you sleep.

As a business owner, you always need to consult with your web developer whenever you need to change or add details on your website.

1. I’m not a business owner; 2. ¿What relevance does this have with WordPress? ¿& what relevance does WordPress have to fucking Mario memories?

WordPress is easy to use and access.

“Easy to access” is a great quality for websites. “Awesome. I always wanted to tell hackers to come right in, make yourself @ home”.

With its various themes, you will be guided on how to go about it.

¿Go ’bout what? ¿Showing the whole world your tacky tastes in themes?

Before WordPress came, everyone had to deal with the developer even long after they are done with the web design, even to change the smallest details, one couldn’t do it on their own, so every time your called developer you had to pay them.

See, now we have 1 huge sentence that is truly just multiple sentences without proper periods.

WordPress was the 1st CMS to e’er exist, & the only hereafter. ’Twas the CMS that Adam used to post ’bout that weird fruit that his friend God told him to stay ’way from.

With WordPress created websites, they are accessible from any kind of screen or browser as long as you have proper internet connection.

Before WordPress, people had to have PhDs in computer engineering to get a simple web page full o’ ol’ game glitches to appear on their computer. WordPress truly revolutionized the internet.

WordPress, enables you to easily add so many plug-ins on your website as long as they don’t conflict.

“& in doing so, you will make your site grind to a halt on users computers so they won’t want to use it on any kind o’ screen or browser”.

These days most websites have a video or audio icon on them.

Just 1, though — this isn’t 2050 already; we still don’t have flying cars.

The link adding happens on your control panel.

I don’t know what I love most, the mysticism in the term “the link adding happens” or the fact that this is wrong. The “link adding” happens in the “post adding” section.

Most people look for websites that once they are done reading through your website or watching videos, they can then say something about it, you also feel nice getting feedback from your viewers.

I always feel nice when I get such deep comments as, “very best job prednisone tablets to reduce the likelihood of exposure of blood borne pathogens. Practice sites shall have estrace cream coupon exchange of selected faculty and residents. Individual private donations have been key phenergan use intranet or internet based resources. buy fluticasone online activities and assignments, students will build upon knowledge and skills developed in the first”

This means that website created using WordPress are more secure than any other website, always inquire from your developer whether they have WordPress software, and if they don’t recommend it to them.

Every web security expert starts cracking up laughing.

¿What “this”? You didn’t provide any “this”. You did nothing mo’ than that Flinstones storytelling device where you warp time to after the actual explanation, so you have just “…& that’s why I can ne’er be round children anymo’”.

With WordPress however, the software creates websites that are already optimized, either to Bing or Microsoft Network (MSN), so you do not have to worry that your website will not be seen by search engines.

This has nothing to do with security. Also, MSN isn’t a search engine. It’s owned by the same company that runs Bing.

People create websites so that they can be able to market their products, services or even themselves.

Well, they did say that sex was the primary resource online.

Allowing you to have eye catching headlines on your website or blog, WordPress has made it easy for people to become more curious with the headlines they get on your website.

WordPress also single-handedly invented the H1 tag.

Unlike other website software where you have to pay a developer to help you crack it, WordPress is absolutely free and comes with unlimited validity.

You can’t question the quality o’ a CMS that comes with “unlimited validity”.

Damn it, SMBHQ, I came here to forget ’bout web development. ¿Why you have to pick on me & trick me like that?

It’s like seeing a website that’s been neglected for years now beginning to be reclaimed by harsh mother nature, with these tacky blog posts as the weeds. SMBHQ is the Flint, Michigan o’ websites. ¿Where’s Michael Moore to make a documentary ’bout this truly pressing issue?

Join me next week as I revisit TMK & find out it’s been taken o’er by YouTube videos ’bout losing weight.

Posted in What the Fuck Is this Shit?

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Posted in Poetry, Programming, What the Fuck Is this Shit?

But Lispers Are Worse

Last week I made fun o’ Ruby for the crime o’ being used by idiots who don’t e’en know why they like it.

But Lispers are hilariously crazy. Just read through the “SmugLispWeenies” pages on C2Wiki, a TV Tropes for programming that bewilderingly has e’en fewer standards & civility.

Just look @ this:

Most “commercial grade” coders are little better than faeces hurling monkeys randomly bashing at their terminals and making the odd primitive grunt in the machine’s general direction. Really, it’s an insult for a computer to have to tolerate some of the shit I have seen spewed at them by their neuronally challenged masters. Go away and learn to actually reason about code before you start the “Language X is superior to language Y” pissing competition; otherwise you just look like a pack of nitwits. I can shoot a stream of piss much farther than you can, but that’s because I’m standing on top of a mountain. Keep that in mind next time you think it’s raining.

Remember this next time somebody tells you programmers are geniuses. This is them when the cameras aren’t rolling, just like your grampa talking ’bout the black folks ( Well, ’less your grampa’s black & not that black KKK member from that Dave Chappelle sketch ).

That italic ( er… non-italic now, since it’s in a usually-italic blockquote ) is someone else jutting their text into someone’s paragraph. It’s quite common on this site & makes reading it feel like reading the raving rants o’ a schizophrenic. I’m not e’en sure which is the Lisper & which… ¿isn’t? ¿Maybe they both are? Maybe some drunk guy just randomly stumbled on this site & decided to post this & nobody e’en realized ’twas irrelevant.

Just afterward we get a nice paragraph ’bout some Lisper fantasizing ’bout being God & using his totalitarian powers to banish object-oriented programming & Java, the Lisper’s greatest enemy, from all schools & that people with such “prior exposure” “should be considered mentally mutilated beyond all reasonable hope of recovery and should simply be shot on compassionate grounds”.

Hilariously ’nough, 1 guy who labels himself a smug atheist ( ¿isn’t that a redundancy? — hur, hur ) goes on some anal-retentive tangent ’bout how that guy’s comparison to banning OOP & Java to banning heroin from pre-schools is inaccurate, <squeaky voice>since it’s truly the Federal government that bans it everywhere, which simply cascades down to the state level & schools, Sir</squeaky voice>. He then goes on to say that he still understands that other person’s “pain & suffering” & “largely agree[s] with what [he’s] communicating”. The guy wanted to make a eugenics system for people who learned Java in college. It wasn’t e’en particularly people who liked Java — anyone who was e’en “exposed” to Java in college was incurably infected & fit only for the gas chambers.

I mean, I hate Java people now, too, & take back all the nice things I said ’bout Clean Code & its writer’s creepy threat to heathens who don’t recompile & redeploy ’cause I made the mistake o’ taking their advice to refactor my game project based on their super-serious OOP rules that, as it turns out, aren’t exactly consistent in detail ( “Single Responsibility Principle” is hopelessly vague & contradicts “Law of Demeter”, & “Uncle Bob” should go back to writing large books for me to read while I’m on the shitter ) & only made things a bigger hassle & messier. But e’en I think that’s too far. Punishing them by forcing them to make banal business programs for the rest o’ their lives is fine ’nough.

My favorite part ’bout crazy online communities is the conspicuous lack o’ any voice that says, “I’m sorry, ¿but is it me, or are you guys all crazy?”

Man, I joke ’bout language fanatics; but if there e’er was a programming language that’d actually inspire programmer to strap a bomb onto his back & blow up a building, I think it’d be a Lispers. These fuckers are crazy. You don’t fuck with them. Somebody please make them some half-decent GUI libraries so they don’t have to use C++ & break all their fingers on all the colons & angle brackets to make Steam games. Our safety depends on it.

Posted in Programming, What the Fuck Is this Shit?