Before I start, I have to acknowledge the recent news that Disturbed’s lead singer, David Draiman, played an ultimate boomer move in signing an IDF missile for Israel, which means he’s a shoo-in to be invited to write an op-ed for Newsweek. As I proclaimed in that very same article, we ( me & my schizo mindvoices ) here @ The Mezunian support neither theocratic sides that worship the same made-up god, but believe that tasty black pepper should triumph o’er all, from the river to the sea. This puts David Draiman @ odds with my political views & therefore he must be purged from the council, the Englesist Magical Socialist Party hath spoken. Also, being serious, signing your name on a fucking missile, e’en if used gainst literal Nazi officials who are child molesters & took Drake’s side o’ the Great 2024 Beef War & not a bunch o’ poor people, is tacky as hell. There’s a difference ’tween somberly acknowledging war as sometimes a necessary evil & psychopathically cheering on the death o’ civilians with your cowboy hat hanging on your mitt like the end o’ Dr. Strangelove.
This article mentions that this album we will be looking @ is full o’ themes opposed to the US’s wars in the middle east, but I will go e’en further: those who had listened to “Liberate” from the previous album we looked @ will recall this Biblical recitation specifically mentioning Israel:
out of zion shall come the forth the law & the word of the lord from jerusalem nation shall not raise sword against nation & they shall not learn war anymore for the mouth of the lord hath spoken
I guess ol’ Yahweh changed their mind, as they do a lot, & decided, <Actually, fuck it, I want to see you crackas make each other bleed. I’m getting bored as fuck>. This is what makes this the ultimate boomer moment: someone who was cool when they were young growing to 180° into the same war-mongering reactionary they protested against when they were young. Ain’t goin’ be me: I’m going to grow into a curmudgeonly tankie, ranting ’bout how western propaganda just doesn’t understand how glorious China’s vanguard party is @ serving the people’s needs, — while not living there, ’course, since those crackas would put bullets in me if they saw what I was typing ’bout them — as opposed to bougie fake western democracies, thank you.
Anyway, so Freddie DeBoer doesn’t have a crying fit, I won’t cancel Disturbed by not making a mocking review o’ 1 o’ their albums ’cause their lead singer decided to try speedrunning his arthritic band back into the spotlight like Ronnie Radke making transphobic jokes. I’m not letting him or any dumb ethnoreligious war meddle with my schedule I spent a whole 10 minutes typing up in LibreCalc. Luckily I already wrote most o’ these song reviews before I learned o’ this news, so it didn’t affect my reviews & therefore this article ’bout an ol’ millennial nu-metal album that hardly anyone remembers will keep its integrity & this very political album won’t be tainted by a political review.
The actual start
The album we’re looking @ today is yet ’gain not The Sickness, but the 1st Disturbed album I heard, their 3rd album, Ten Thousand Fists, whose singles were all o’er the rock radio in late 2005 when I started to get into rock radio. ¿What stands out ’bout this album to make it worth dedicating a review to it? Nothing: it’s very standard alt metal. ¡Enjoy the review!
1. Ten Thousand Fists
This is definitely a banger, especially the bridge where Draiman puts on his whispery “Midlife Crisis” voice & the final chorus, where the song gets amped up. That said, the “power to the people” lyrics are vague, & lines like “leave the weak & haunted behind” & talk o’ “triumph of the soul” sound sus. ¿But who cares? Nobody listens to fucking Disturbed for Noam Chomskiesque cerebral political commentary.
Grade: B
2. Just Stop
This song is less interesting & less memorable, with its thudding riffs & verses & vague lyrics ’bout relationship problems, which don’t mesh well with the creepy voice Draiman puts on in the bridge. I dunno, it’s just funny to hear the lines, “all I ever wanted was to be a real source of compassion for the moment” sung in a daemonic voice. I do kind o’ like the soulful chorus, I guess. I dunno, I think there were better songs to be a single than this.
Grade: C
3. Guarded
This song is e’en less interesting, & was the lead single, to boot, & I may go far ’nough to say the shrill vocals in the chorus are annoying, especially the dragged out “deciiiiiiiiiiide” @ the end. We also get another weird mix o’ relationship troubles & the occult with talk o’ “guarding yourself from the love of another” followed by, “¿why does it sound like the devil is laughing?”. Surely the devil has mo’ treacherous deeds to pull than making people too afraid to commit. The only minor praise I can give is that I do find the weird rhythm/meter on the verses interestingly weird.
All right, we actually have a funny song here, thanks to the return o’ Draiman’s patented scat-singing:
ya come on lika woman in suffering nah e’en mah mamma gonna tell me why
This is just ’nother song with ridiculously sinister diction given to what sounds like a mild relationship misunderstanding, with comparisons to “bloodstained hurricanes” & e’en the holocaust. No, I’m not making that last 1 up. Savor this 2nd verse:
you don’t know what your power has done to me I want to know if I’ll heal inside I can’t go on with a holocaust about to happen seeing you laughing another time you’ll never know why your face has haunted me my very soul has to bleed this time another hole in the wall of my inner defenses leaving me breathless the reason I know…
& people call “Crawling” melodramatic.
This is not as good as Disturbed’s best songs, but is mo’ interesting than the songs we heard before & has iconic lyrics.
Howe’er, if you want a much better version o’ this song, I present to you:
Grade: ⚡
6. I’m Alive
Yeah, the repetitious “duh-duh, duh-duh” singing @ the start o’ e’ery line in the verses, many times just “ne-ver a-gain”, don’t really gel with me, nor the sing-songy chorus or the bland, “I’m alive”, repeated afterward. Lyrically, this is just a, “I’m-a gonna be myself” anthem, but sounding like it’s coming from a medieval monk, with such vague but grandiloquent diction:
— of living within the world of the jaded they kill inspiration, it’s my obligation —
&
denying the sin, my art, my redemption I carry the torch of my fathers before me
Usually when metal bands sing like this it’s when talking ’bout epic battles ’tween dragons & holy divers riding tigers, not people complaining ’bout how they’re not going to be a part o’ this system.
Grade: D
7. Sons of Plunder
This is a much catchier song, especially the internal rhyme in the middle o’ the 1st two lines o’ the chorus where Draiman slows down:
as the countless numbers hunger for worldwide renown all the pimping sons of plunder will roll up their sleeves
That said, it’s kind o’ weird that they make this “fuck all these other uncreative hacks” song on what seems like a much less creative & much mo’ standard hard rock album than previous albums. I do now wonder if this “new sound” the singer feels surrounded by is in fact nu-metal. 2005 is ’bout when it started to peter out, so this rant that seems like an iconoclastic attack gainst this new fad, in fact, sounds mo’ like jumping on an already-swelling bandwagon gainst an already-dying genre.
Still, I’d take e’en a hypocritical jab gainst other nu-metal bands any day o’er more bland romantic drama songs, especially 1 as catchy as this.
Grade: B
8. Overburdened
¿Apparently this is ’bout soldiers? This seems weird given the lines, “¿how was I considered evil? / pleasures taken in this life”. I wouldn’t consider going off to war living off in hedonism. Still, I like the concept o’ humanity being so wicked that hell is o’erburdened with dead people. It’s a very slayeresque concept, which is now a high art concept I’ve invented. Musically, this is also the most interesting song on this album, with its slow but steady rhythm matching the steady march o’ people in a purgatorylike state. I don’t know if I’ve made this hot take before, but I think Disturbed is better @ saturnine songs than the “O YEA WE GONNA BEAT SOME SHIT BOYS” songs, — yes, that is the precise name o’ the genre — especially on a mo’ general hard-rock album like this.
Grade: A
9. Decadence
In a weird reversal o’ most albums I listen to for this series, this album seems to be getting better as it gets deeper into the deep cuts. I ne’er remembered this song that much before, & I do still find the verses repetitious, — tho that could arguably fit with the subject matter — but did always kind o’ like the sound o’ the chorus; but I ne’er realized till now that this wasn’t a generic song ’bout greed being evil, like the title implies, but uses the mo’ classical definition o’ decadence, literal decay, as imagery for the feeling o’ depression. I dunno, there are some stock phrases here & there, like the ubiquitous “dead inside”, but that metaphor feels both fresh & fitting. Basically, I’m saying Disturbed are mo’ serious artists than Radiohead.
Grade: B
10. Forgiven
I know this song is repetitive, but like “Liberate” from their 2nd album, it’s so catchy to sing along with, “FOOH-GIVAHN TO ME, FOOH-GIVAHN TO ME”. Plus, like the previous 2 songs, I like the story this song tells, this time ’bout a soldier forgiving a solider who killed them ’cause they know that soldier will likely die soon themselves: “you’re just another dead man living”. & the whispery repetitive chanting o’ this song matches this song’s meaning as essentially a death prayer.
Grade: B
11. Land of Confusion
That’s right: the official music video is an AMV. Disturbed knew what was hip with the edgy metal kids @ the time.
Here comes a hot take: while I definitely think Genesis’s original version o’ this song had better music, with its Sega-Genesis-like synths being much mo’ interesting than Disturbed’s plain hard rock riffs & drums, I think Draiman’s singing is mo’ interesting than Phil Collins, especially since Draiman is much better @ staying on rhythm, filling in the awkward pause in “the men of steel… men of power” with “the men of steel, these men of power”. But also Draiman has a mo’ forceful voice, being a metal singer & all, while Collins’ is much thinner & lighter, which certainly works better on softer songs, — I don’t want to imagine Draiman gruffly ah-ahing thru “In the Air Tonight” — but not a song that’s clearly s’posed to have as much force as this.
It actually surprises me that this is the 1st cover I’ve run into so far & only now do I realize how difficult ’twould be to grade it, since in terms o’ lyrics all Disturbed had to do was not pick a shitty song to cover, & they definitely didn’t do that here. I do like that they picked a song from a genre quite off from alt metal, but still fits the tone o’ this album.
Grade: N/A
12. Sacred Lie
While the lyrics are less interesting than some o’ the others on this album, with its standard fantasy/metal/biblical diction o’ “damnation”, “sacred”, “fear”, etc. — to the point that e’en Genius basically just calls it “another song that talks about war” — I do like the rhythm o’ the singing, especially the chorus & the way the pitch rises @ the end; & while the music under the verses is basic plodding, I do like the music under the chorus, especially the drum rhythm.
Grade: B
13. Pain Redefined
This song I’m less keen on. The verses’ vocal rhythm is interesting a’least, tho rather plodding, but the pre-chorus is way too repetitive & e’en mo’ plodding, & the chorus sounds like it should be sung in a church, especially with the line, “I have fallen again”. The music also sounds way too mechanical for the subject matter. I do like how Draiman has to clear something out o’ his throat @ the very end. I’m not sure why it’s on this song, but it is.
“Pain Redefined” is a song about when your sensory abilities become overwhelmed, you lose control of your senses, and you can’t really trust them to make judgement of the world around anymore.
So it’s basically an emo song.
Grade: D
14. Avarice
You know you’re listening to a filler track when the 1st lines are such deep philosophical entreaties like, “politics & evil / all 1 in the same”. In contrast to “Decadence”, this song truly is just greed = bad. Also, the chorus barely sounds like a chorus, having a steady rhythm. The music under the verses & choruses are also plain, especially under the verses, where they’re just this bland “DUH DUH DUH, DUH DUH DUH”.
That said, I do kind o’ like the instrumental part after the 2nd verse, especially the horse-stomping drums, & the perishing bridge vocals.
Grade: D
Final thoughts
Yup, that sure was an album that existed. Join me next time as I troll y’all e’en mo’ & do Disturbed’s B-sides album ( spoiler alert: it’s actually better than this album ).
I have recently compiled a long list o’ e’ery 2000s nu-metal or alt rock album I will probably e’er review on this blog — ’nough to last several years, mo’ than 60. & o’ all those albums, I promise you: none will be as cringe as this album. Yes, including BrokeNCYDE & Family Force 5, who are all on the list. Arguably Falling in Reverse are mo’ cringe, but they’re too late to be included in this series, so Ronnie Radke’s precious feelings are safe from the venom o’ my keyboard & he’ll have to stick to dressing up as Danthony Phantomtano for Halloween to occupy his time.
Hollywood Undead is not so safe, howe’er. I would joke that all I need to say to close my case is point out that this band started on MySpace, but to MySpace’s credit, they also spawned the ol’ band Drill Queen, — now mostly known as the band who created the Jimstephaniequisition song — who are not nearly as cringe. So instead I will make my case with a different statement: this is a band that combines whiteboy gangster rap & goth emo. ’Course combining hip hop & emo wasn’t that wild by that point: Korn & Linkin Park did it all the time. But Jonathan Davis & Mike Shinota weren’t talking ’bout how they’re gonna point their gun @ yo son.
The album we’ll be looking @ is their debut, Swan Songs. Despite how obviously bad this album is, my rock-bottom standards in my high school years liked it fine. I didn’t go around telling people ’twas my favorite or e’en remember it much beyond the year that I 1st listened to it & ripped a couple songs onto a blank CD ’long with random unrelated songs from CDs I checked out from the library, but I somehow didn’t feel too ashamed to play this music out loud @ places, & nobody shamed me for doing so, ’cause that’s just what music was in the 2000s. E’en I can’t remember how this was e’er allowed to happen, so there is no chance I could explain it to people who weren’t there @ the time, & I don’t think any good could come from younger people understanding this savage relic. But we can get some good laughs out o’ making fun o’ it, so that’s what we’re going to do.
1. Undead
O my god, ¿where do I e’en start with this song? Apparently its music takes Ozzy Osbourne’s “Crazy Train”, but fucks with its notes & makes it computerized & shitty.
This song is a brag rap; but rather than exemplify any actual clever wordplay or multilayered rhyming or paint a believable picture o’ someone who is a legit threat, they mostly sling around the same small #s o’ the same “motherfuckers”, as well as plenty o’ homophobic slurs, ’cause ’twas the noughties, & brag ’bout how they love getting drunk & crash their cars. I’m not kidding: they have a line that goes, “’cause we drunk-drive Cadillacs, we never go far”, implying that their drunk asses crash into a wall just after they start driving.
& if that doesn’t make your peepees shrink in their magnificent presence, a’least a full verse is dedicated to insecurely whining ’bout the haters, ’cause that always makes you look cool. It’s especially badass when it comes with lines like these:
you make me wanna run around pulling my guns out and shit you’re tempting me to run my mouth and call you out on this, bitch
¡Don’t you dare tempt me to… call you out? & then you call them a bitch, so you’re already calling them out. Too late. Looks like it didn’t take long for you to give into that temptation.
They follow this up by whining ’bout people misinterpreting their lyrics:
¿how ignorant you gotta be to believe any of this? you need to slit your wrists, get pissed, and go jump off a bridge what, ¿you can’t see the sarcasm in the verses I spit?
Crackas, this is your 1st album: you don’t have haters yet ’cause nobody knows who the fuck you are. Nobody’s going to slit their wrist ’cause fucking Hollywood Undead told them to.
I should add that the chorus to this hard-edge song has lines like “get up out the way” & “I don’t give a fuck what you think or say”, which surely impressed the 12 year ol’s o’ 2008.
& then J-Dog, with the most generic rap name, comes in with these hard lines:
white boys with tattoos p-pointing right @ you we’re breaking everything, r-rowdy like a classroom pack of wolves ’cause we don’t follow the rules & when you’re running your mouth our razor blades come out
Better watch out, ’cause this rowdy classroom’ll give you a close shave.
Genius claims the song has the following lines:
because there’s nothing in my life except my dick & what I spit so my dick is in my hand when I respond to faggots talking shit speaking of fag, already rapped with the drag we killed him then we stuffed his body in the Cadillac
But I didn’t hear this on either the YouTube Music version o’ this song or the version I ripped off the CD I borrowed from the library way back in 2008, presumably the original release. I could understand why they would want to remove it, as it goes beyond the casual homophobia o’ throwing round slurs @ anyone & e’eryone to specifically talking ’bout carrying out a hate crime gainst someone in drag.
In any case, it’s impossible to take seriously that these clowns could carry out such a crime, anyway, especially when they follow it with these hard-ass lines:
¿so what the fuck you know about being a gangster? ¿& what the fuck you know about being in danger? you ain’t doing this so you know you’re just talking shit
& in his defense, he’s right: I ain’t making cheesy raps ’bout being a whiteboy gangster & I am talking shit.
Grade:D
2. Sell Your Soul
We follow that hard-ass gangster brag rap with a bizarre mix o’ an emo song, starting with generic piano notes, & a “fuck the haters” anthem as the verses & chorus devolve into shouting & screaming. Like the previous song, the basis for this hate is vague; — beyond I guess the fact that this music is goofy — but unlike that song the way this writer describes it is mo’ detailed & much mo’ melodramatic, with such lines as:
¿how did it come to this? ¿how did I know it was you? it was a bad dream asphyxiated watch me bleed the life support was cut the knot was too tight they push and pull me but they know they’ll never win
&
my heartbeat stumbles & my backbone crumbles i feel, ¿is it real?, as the lynch mob doubles they want blood & they’ll kill for it drain me & they’ll kneel for it burn me @ the stake met the devil made the deal for it guillotine dreams, yeah, their guillotine gleams the blood of their enemies watching while they sentence me sentencing ceased sentence deceased & watch them bask in the glory of their holy disease
I don’t get the point o’ this song or what the listener is s’posed to feel — & for as cheesy as most nu-metal is, I understand what pretty much e’ery Thousand Foot Krutch, Skillet, or Papa Roach song is s’posed to evoke int he listener.
Grade: F
3. Everywhere I Go
& then after that emo song ’bout the struggles o’ the hood life we get a song ’bout how they like to show their “weenies” — that’s the word they use — to women in a kind o’ hoedown ’bout how “bitches always know” with a wacky accent & cheap artificial music that sounds like an e’en worse Eminem song off Encore, but without the creativity — yes, I will defend Encore compared to this.
& the lyrics in this song make the previous 2 sound like Eminem in comparison. The 1st line o’ the 1st verse, in a jerky stop-&-go flow:
wake up, grab beer, grab rear, shave beard
We also get some o’ the most forced, & yet also unimaginable, references e’er:
& I’ll punk the pussy like I’m Ashton Kutcher
I’m like Cheech, you got the Chong, hitting up this beer bong
¿Is “the Chong” e’en a real thing? ¿What is the point o’ bringing up Cheech & Chong? You’re not e’en smoking weed; you’re just drinking. ¿You couldn’t e’en do drug as hard as I do?
I’ll be straight: this is the only song so far that I’ve just refused to listen to all the way thru ’cause it’s so intolerable & makes me deathly ’fraid someone somewhere will somehow hear it seep thru the headphones, it’s so embarrassing. E’en while reading thru the lyrics I could only scan them, as they are just humiliating the read. Literally the worst nu-metal song e’er — & yet it somehow merited a music video.
Grade: ☠️
4. No Other Place
See, now this song is actually pretty fun. Gone is the artificial emo shit or try-hard butthurt “fuck the haters” crap. Instead it’s just a song ’bout partying with a decent beat. There are a million better rap songs out there, e’en in that era, which was also a bad time for hiphop as for rock, but with the rock-bottom standards this album gives us, this is a godsend.
’Course, the lyrics are all dumb, specially the chorus, where the singer for some reason feels it necessary to bring up to the woman he’s asking to dance that she “got a fat ass, but you shake it like you ain’t a hoe”. ¿Do hoes not shake well? I would expect that hoes, whose job is to be sexy, should be the best @ shaking.
Grade: C
5. No. 5
This is basically “No Other Place”, but a sillier & lazier. The chorus has the singer in a very high-pitched, squeaky voice squeal, “& all the kids in the hood come on & wave & shake your hands”, which is just as rad as the average chorus line in a Thousand Foot Krutch song, while the lyrics just keep rhyming “drunk” & “fuck” repeatedly, as well as mo’ forced references that come out o’ nowhere to Paris Hilton & Bob Saget. & then the bridge tirelessly lists how all 20 members o’ this band “make the booty drop”. I will give Johnny 3 Tears, as lame as his name is, that he has charisma while rap/singing/whate’er; it’s just too bad they couldn’t get a better lyricist.
Hold on, ¿what are these lyrics, tho?
ladies show me your treats like it’s Halloween you got a fake id & you’re 17
Charlie Scene wants to have sex with an underaged girl.
¡Thanks, Genius!
Grade: 🚨
6. Young
O god, now we’re back to the fake emo stuff, & this is the nadir. You know a song’s good when the 1st line o’ the 1st verse is, “i see the children in the rain like the parade before the pain”. Like Simple Plan’s telling these crackers to tone it down. ¿What the fuck is “the parade before the pain”? Also, after the last song I don’t want to hear this band talking ’bout looking @ children.
But during the prechorus they get pumped & angry — ¡they’re raging gainst this vague machine! — as they talk ’bout marching to the drums &… ¿being numb? I’ve ne’er heard someone so aggressive ’bout not feeling anything @ all.
What they’re marching against is, as I said, vague. The only specific line is some rag gainst “medication for the kids with no reason to live”. Clearly a bunch o’ people in costumes marching around is a better cure for suicidal depression than medicine based on peer-reviewed studies.
I really feel the whiplash when we hit this line:
but you take all we are the innocence of our hearts
It’s hard to take seriously the innocence o’ the hearts o’ people who had just gifted us such sentimental lyrics as “everywhere I go bitches always know that Charlie Scene has got a weenie that he loves to show” & “you got a fat ass, but you shake it like you ain’t a hoe”.
& if you didn’t think this song was excruciating ’nough after the 2 verses, the bridge has a children’s choir sing, “till the angels save us all”. I wish they could save me from this song.
Grade: F
7. Black Dahlia
¿Mo’ emo shit? I thought these were s’posed to be badass gangsters. These lyrics are so cliché that they actually talk ’bout how they cut themselves — rhyming “cuts” with “fucked up”, no less — & make constant references to tears being “dried up now” &, my favorite, “these tears are deadly”. ¡O fuck! ¡Don’t fuck with this bro’s tears, dogg! ¡You make ’em want to run around pulling their guns out & shit & calling you out on this bitch!
The verses are rapped in this stilted, jerky 1, 2, 3, 4 meter with the most obvious rhymes:
¿you feel bad? ¿you feel sad? i’m sorry hell no fuck that it was my heart, it was my life, it was my start, it was your knife this strife, it dies, this life & these lies i wish i could’ve quit you, I wish I never missed you & told you that I loved you every time I fucked you
This last line has the lyricist so desperate to rhyme a word “love” with “fuck” ’cause they couldn’t think o’ any other word that they invented this bizarre scenario where someone regrets not saying, <Remember that I love you, baby>, e’ery time just before ramming his cock into her — ’cause that’s a normal thing to do, not, like, when you meet.
& underneath these tragic lyrics are a generic midi sample that sounds like ’twas rejected by Wesley Willis, with the softest o’ drum beats — mo’ like plastic slaps.
Grade: F
8. This Love, This Hate
OK, now this is just nursery rhyme bullshit, with that obnoxious squeaky “DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO DOO-DOO-DOO” jingle thruout the whole song while the singer sings generic lyrics ’bout being strong & shields & lions & shit with the most grating, nasally voice, specially when saying, “& we got each other’s backs” or in the chorus. What the title “this love, this hate” has to do with this song, by the way, I have no idea.
Fitting this juvenile song are juvenile lyrics that struggle to cobble together words into halfway English sentences to keep its common rhymes:
& we once also had a story too you can see that good men only come in few
I, too, would say that phrase, “& we once also had a story, too”, ’cause I am also an alien.
Howe’er this song does sum up my feelings for it with these lines:
i don’t wanna live this destiny it goes on endlessly
Honestly, I think I can’t stand this song e’en mo’ than “Everywhere I Go”, which a’least was somewhat funny & audacious in how bad it is.
Grade: F
9. Bottle And A Gun
After the previous boring whiny songs, this song’s absolute stupidity is much better appreciated, as well as the much better deeper, darker beats — which, granted, just sounds like the level theme to a generic FPS.
The lyrics are, ’course, dumb & repetitive: “Funny Man” telling girls to drop their panties like he did in “No. 5” while bragging ’bout how he “play a bitch like Nintendo”, after which someone helpfully shouts, <¡Zelda!> in the background to remind you o’ what Nintendo makes, & Charlie Scene’s rapping ’bout being drunk & telling women to shake their asses ’gain while giving such killer lines, like telling women to smoke his pole like a Marlboro. Some lines don’t e’en make much sense, like when Funny Man says he’s “sexual like I’m hetero”. ¿Is he implying that LGBTQ+ people aren’t sexual? That’s an interesting inverse o’ the stereotypes that conservatives have gainst them.
On the other hand, the pop culture references are less awkward: the Charlie’s Angels bit a’least felt relevant, albeit obvious, & the line ’bout buying Tom’s soul back from Rupert Murdoch was probably the only legit kinda funny thing they said on this album — albeit it requires knowing ’bout News Corp buying MySpace & Hollywood Undead’s origins on MySpace to get it. Also, Specific Media would do Charlie Scene’s work for him just 3 years later.
That said, these poseurs have the gall to use the line, “Hollywood Undead ain’t nothing to fuck with” stolen straight from Wu-Tang Clan. That’s sacrilege.
The chorus is ridiculous, singing in a soft, soulful croon how they “can show you how to hump without making love”. I am curious ’bout that & what it e’en means, but tragically, tho they claim they can show how to do this, they do not actually do so in this song.
Grade: D
Intermission
Speaking o’ Wu-Tang, I think we’ve all earned a break from this album, so let’s listen to why Wu-Tang Clan are truly nothing to fuck wit:
All right, let’s get back to work.
10. California
This is just “Shitty California Love”. ¿Why would anyone want to listen to this song when that song already does e’erything this song meagerly attempts to do fails? ¿& why do so many people make so many songs ’bout just vaguely California as a whole? California is the most populous state in the US & is the media center o’ the world: it’s not all that impressive that you’re vaguely somewhere in this massive state like e’eryone else involved in media. You might as well make a song representing the entire US @ this point. Nowadays rappers should have to talk ’bout specific territories in California, like LA, San Francisco, or San Diego — or if they want to be exotic, Oakland or Sacramento. It specially looks silly to see these doofuses in their costumes pretending to represent a state that hundreds of other rappers already pretend to represent — & is still represented by St. Tupac, as canonized by the Council o’ Rappers. These crackers couldn’t e’en represent North Dakota.
This is the most generic song on this album full o’ generic songs with generic lyrics that just say stuff just to rhyme, e’en tho the rhymes themselves are so predictable:
horny like a sickness, quickies with the quickness pussy like it’s business, work it like it’s fitness listen while I spit this, game at all these bitches now I’m gonna hit this & fuck it till I’m dickless
None o’ these metric feet have any relevance to each other, & “quickies with the quickness” is both redundant & involves a word like “quickness” that nobody actually uses outside o’ bad songs trying to force a rhyme ’cause it sounds awful.
Grade: F
11. City
O’ all the emo songs — yes, Hollywood Undead’s manic depression has switched back from their manic high o’ fucking bitches back down to their emo crying — this is the best o’ them. Yes, the lyrics are vague & repetitive ’bout making the city burn & repeat the same weird rants ’bout medication as “Young” & the chorus’s soft, soulful croon does not fit talking ’bout acts o’ citywide terrorism @ all & the soft slap drums are annoying. But the verses themselves have some pretty interesting rhythms, specially the 2nd verse, where the singer jumps from rapid shouting to a slower tempo, in an erratic way that fits a song ’bout chaotic terrorism.
Considering the tumulus/violent [sic] environment that Hollywood Undead transcended as a result of Swan Songs and Desperate Measures, this is a track resonant with the societal ills that families in Los Angeles face.
These 2 clauses don’t fit together. ¿What “tumulus” & violent environment did Hollywood Undead so-poetically transcend as a result o’ this album, ¿& how would that resonate with regular people’s problems? ¿What problems do Los Angeles citizens face that others don’t?
“City” is pretty metaphoric and self-referential; considering the band’s ascent to fame, they asked if anybody wished to accompany them during their rise, an ascent comparable to arson enactments.
1st, there’s no “pretty metaphoric”: metaphoric is binary — it either is metaphoric or isn’t. 2nd, LOL on “considering the band’s ascent to fame”. Fuck J. Cole’s big 3 — there’s only the big undead. There’s a reason Kendrick was afraid to diss real Gs Hollywood Undead ( tho, as we saw in an earlier song, a’least 1 o’ them apparently likes them 17 like Drake ).
Grade: C
12. The Diary
You’d think I’d go all-in hard on this song, arguably the most emo o’ emo songs on this album, but I’m mo’ mixed. While the opening sad strings are cheesy as hell & the singer singraps his depression like he’s in a rap battle, ending 1 verse with the line, “pour myself a whiskey & go back to sleep, bitch” like he’s emo Jesse Pinkman, the lyrics are mo’ specific & real ’bout depression than some generic tripe ’bout “deadly” tears & shields & lions & shit, talking specifically ’bout bitterness @ a father shared with his mother — tho no detail on why — & what seem to be shout outs to family members. This song e’en ties into the party sex songs, with the line, “& hoes you see hoes you see I’m just in a rut” recontextualizing the singer’s hedonistic partying as an attempt to fill a vacant life in a similar way to Weezer’s ( much better song ) “Tired of Sex”. While repetitive, the repetition works better for this song, since the repetition matches the feeling o’ being “just in a rut”. In essence, it’s an emo song, but it’s a halfway competent 1. If not for the hokey music & the squeaky voice o’ the chorus, I’d go far ’nough to call it full-on good.
Grade: C
13. Pimpin’
& after that raw song o’ deep suicidal depression, we get a song called “Pimpin’”, where the chorus goes, “we ride with gangsters and the pimping’s easy”. This song’s fine. I do kind o’ like the rhythm. ( Yawn ). ¿This album’s still going? This is less generic than “California”, but not by much.
Grade: D
14. Paradise Lost
OK, after that song ’bout gangster pimping now we have a very angsty song ’bout how angry the singer is @ God for — ¿Who fucking knows? ¿What is up with the whiplash on this album? ¿Is it intentional?
God, I’ve tried ¿am I lost in your eyes?
Maybe if you tell God they have a fat ass but they shake it like they ain’t a hoe they’ll give you salvation.
The singing is obnoxious, with the verses having this incessant thudding “augh augh augh augh”, while the chorus is the typically squeaky squeal. Meanwhile, the music is electronic goop. The only notable thing is that the opening notes o’ this song are just straight up stolen from John Carpenter’s Halloween theme, but slowed down. What a great song on which to end the album.
Grade: F
15. Pain
’Cept YouTube Music was nice ’nough to offer me the “Collector’s Edition” with 7 extra tracks. ¡That’s 1.5 times the fun!
This is the same typical screamo shit, with those patented Kroeger-brand emo lyrics:
the next of this youth with their necks through this noose were told lies like it’s truth and we suspect that it’s you
Yeah, telling “lies like it’s truth” is, indeed, how lying works. Thank you for that clarification that clearly doesn’t just exist to force in a corny rhyme.
The singer then goes on ’bout strapping kids with an AK, which I thought was ’bout how society was making kids into school shooters or something, but Genius thinks it’s ’bout leading kids into the military. See, the problem is that they’ll throw in these short quips ’bout medicine or war, but don’t elaborate on them.
Anyway, later in that verse the singer says he’ll “watch the world die thru crimson eyes”, & then says “I cry, it turns to night” in a monotone voice like he’s telling his mom what flavor o’ TV dinner he wants that night.
Grade: F
Intermission 2
To prove that I don’t hate emo, — I certainly have no room to judge, given that I grew up with Papa “I cut my heart open, I sew myself shut” Roach — just bad emo mixed with whiteboy gangster bullshit, here’s a much, much better emo song called “Pain” as a much needed 2nd break:
16. The Natives
Mo’ midi music, only to add midi guitar during the 2nd verse.
I don’t want to hear this cracker talk ’bout “beef” while singing in such a squeaky voice.
Charlie Scene’s attempts to praise himself in the 2nd verse are adorable: yes, keep telling yourself you take it seriously & that you’ll keep getting props — ¡which are like “permanent high-5”s, dude! — for the rest o’ your lives & that your rhymes are tight — ¡just before a line with an awkward pause @ the end ’cause it wasn’t long ’nough to fit the meter! Maybe ’twas on purpose. A Genius annotation is nice ’nough to explain to the listeners that “‘Tight’ is slang for ‘cool’ or ‘good’”, which should be very helpful for the 80-year-ol’ grandma listening & wanting to know what this hiphippin’ youngfolks be all about in the cabbage patch, daddy-o. This annotation also expresses perplexity @ the description o’ the band as “6 white guys”, when 1 o’ the members is Mexican, apparently oblivious to the fact that there do, in fact, exist Mexican honkeys — & looking @ his profile on the Hollywood Undead Wiki, he does, in fact, appear to be un blanquito.
Grade: D
17. Knife Called Lust
With such a title, ¿would it surprise you to hear it start with electro clown music & then a “¡YEAHT’s GO!”. This belching voice — who is apparently “Shady Jeff”, because there’s no better rap alias than putting a dangerous-sounding adjective before a nerdy name — also nicely helps Deuce sing the latter part, “this love, this hate, is burning me away” with a raspy scream, which goes together with Deuce’s squeaky voice like if Thom Yorke & David Draiman did a duet.
I cannot get o’er how fucking generic these lyrics are. Verse 2 starts with the line, “I’m mad @ the fact that your dad is an addict”. ¿Who talks like that? ¿Is this song from the point o’ view o’ a robot? “Panic” is rhymed with “tragic”; “fuck some girl” is rhymed with “fuck the world”; “choice”, “voice”; “love”, “trust”.
Grade: F
18. The Loss
sick with myself, but I’ve got no one else so I give it to myself, it’s the only thing that helps it’s the same thing, this pain thing that keeps me from sleeping & screaming to God I must be motherfucking dreaming
So, I read the 1st 2 lines &, I’m sorry, when I see “I’ve got no one else” followed by “so I give it to myself”, the only logical assumption is masturbation; but then the 3rd & 4th line talk ’bout some vague pain & screaming @ God, but it’s too late, the image o’ some angry whiteboy jerking it under the sheets has already arrived, unrequested, & any mood for epic drama ’bout nightmares & God has been killed before it could take the stage. This is the problem with lyrics as vague as “give it to myself”.
¿have you ever met a living legend, just a real friend?
¿who planned his end & where do I begin? you said it was pretend & when the bullet went thru it took more than just you it took 2, it was you, it was me & suddenly
Bitch, you did not just describe your homey’s suicide with these nursery rhymes.
¿how could someone say they’re helpless & then they act so selfish?
O, cool, ’nother “suicidal people are selfish” line. That’s what psychologists always recommend you say to suicidal people: “quit bein’ a selfish-ass bitch & stay alive, bruh”. A’least Thousand Foot Krutch had the excuse that they probably believed in 1 o’ the weird sub-branches o’ Christianity that still thinks suicide is a sin. ¿& haven’t these crackers been spitting rhymes ’bout their own suicide idealization thruout this whole album? ¿Who are they to judge?
¿you thought you found an exit? like I said, let’s end this
this line is the most perplexing on this whole album. you say that suicide is no exit, but then follow by saying, “let’s end this”, which presumes that you have the real “exit”; but these lyrics imply that your friend is already dead. ¿so what are you going to give them after they’re already dead that’s a “real” exit? ¿Are you afraid that their ghost will languish the earth till you finalize some ritual?
I just wanna say goodbye disappear with no one knowing I don’t wanna live this lie smiling to the world unknowing
This is the weirdest call & response song e’er: “Don’t commit suicide: it’s selfish & makes me feel bad & if you were a true friend you wouldn’t give a shit ’bout your bitchy problems & would think o’ how I would suffer”. “No, I think suicide is the answer”. ¡& that’s the final say!
OK, since these are technically just bonus tracks, this time I won’t make fun o’ yet another mood whiplash o’ a song ’bout suicide being followed by a song called “Bitches”, which has the following deep lyrics in its chorus:
bitches I hope you know I won’t stop till I hit that ho baby come say hello & get your drunk ass over here let’s bone
This song has this very generic boop-boop beat with these cheap claps that —
¡Nope! ¡Scene, you stay the fuck away from those kids! Quit staring @ their “ghetto jeans” & telling them to shake their asses.
& I’m ne’er going to take your song seriously in how rad these kids you’re preying on are when you list MySpace as 1 o’ the hip things they do — presumably ’long with playing with slinkies & collecting pogs & Davy Crockett hats. You might as well list them being fluent in JavaScript & Klingon like Weird Al’s “White & Nerdy”. Nor am I going to take you seriously when you mention beef with someone with the name EvanThomas750, especially when Genius tells me that’s just a sockpuppet account you made up for the lolz, or give shout outs to someone with the MySpace username “Ndlestremofbombs”.
Also, we’ve established that this band is “6 white guys”, ¿so who’s the guy saying, “niggas in shit alley show me where you @”? Genius tells me it’s Deuce, who’s definitely a cracker.
Anyway, this song is the same annoying electrojunk as the rest & I definitely don’t want to hear 1 o’ these guys repeat, “fuck the pain away to make it thru the day” in a song called “The Kids”.
Grade: F
Intermission 3
I know we just have 1 song left, but since I brought up “White & Nerdy”…
21. Circles
We start with some harplike dreamy plinking & 4 lines that are the closest Hollywood Undead has come to serious lyrics that don’t sound hackneyed or embarrassing:
take my hand let’s go somewhere we can rest our souls we’ll sit where it’s warm you say, <look we’re here alone>
OK, so they’re not the most original lines: but compared to lines like, “I’m mad @ the fact that your dad is an addict”, this sounds like Wordsworth.
But then the song devolves into the same generic nursery rhymes o’ “find my purpose”, “everything was so worthless”, “I didn’t deserve this”, “you were perfect”, & comparing this girl to an angel & saying you need a savior & blood &… I’m almost wishing Deuce would go back to telling girls they shake it like they ain’t a hoe.
Grade: F
The last 3 songs are just remixes o’ the “Black Dahlia”, o’ all songs, & I don’t need to review them. They’re all repetitive, o’erproduced electrojunk. We are finally free from the cringe… till next month.
Anyway, we won’t be focusing on that inanity, but on the music itself, which, sadly, is a bit mo’ competent than Thousand Foot Krutch, but also less funny. Said album I have chosen is the generic-titled Awake, released in 2009, @ the end o’ the age o’ nu-metal, but not too late for this album to go double-platinum & having its singles play regularly on the radio. Admittedly, their 2006 Comatose, with hits like “Whispers in the Dark” &, well, “Comatose”, probably has a greater hold on people’s memory — to the extent that this band does still remain in people’s memory — & is the mo’ well-regarded for the good reason that it is much better than this album… — tho it didn’t sell as well as Awake, only going single-platinum — but ’cause o’ that it is less funny & memetic. In truth, there is 1 song in particular I want to talk ’bout & it is on Awake, not Comatose.
1. Hero
You have no idea how disappointed I was when I read the Genius lyrics & saw the line “I’m not superhuman” where I always distinctly heard sung, “I’m not superheroman”, which is a far funnier, & therefore better lyric. As you can expect, this song’s lyrics are generic — tho here they fit a bit better, given its evocation o’ silver-age-style superhero comics, which also oft spoke in clichés. If anything, I wish this went the full way & actually used lines from comics, like, “With great power there must also come great responsibility”, from Spider-Man or, “From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs”, from Marxman.
Since Skillet is considered a Christian Rock band, his savior could be interpreted to be Jesus Christ. However, since there is no direct reference to His name, the titular “hero” could refer to anyone that’s willing and able to save him and this world from self-destruction.
As for the song itself, it is standard Skillet, with plenty o’ bombastic strings & singing, tho the backup singing by Jen Ledger… exists, I guess. It’s mildly catchy, tho not quite on the same level as their big hits from Comatose.
Grade: B
2. Monster
This is the whole reason I’m writing ’bout this band, so enjoy it before we have to waste time on 10 generic songs afterward.
& that reason is the end o’ the bridge, where the oft-repeated line, “I feel like a monster”, is sung in a Frankenstein’s-monster-like growl & it is the most amazing thing.
Outside o’ that, this song is a clear ripoff o’ Three Days Grace’s “Animal I’ve Become”, which came out ’bout 3 years before this, but obviously not as good. That’s not e’en close to Three Days Grace’s best song, or the best song off its album, One-X, but, spoiler, this is the best song, musically a’least, on this album, so that lets you know how these 2 albums compare. Still, I’m savoring that Three Days Grace lite sound as long as I can, ’cause I know it’s going to go downhill from here.
Grade: A
3. Don’t Wake Me
LOL that they made a Skillet AMV using footage from Elfen Lied, given all the fan service in that anime ( so I’ve read: the only fan service that gets me off are news outlets jerking themselves off ). Cooper may not be fucking with that wet-ass pussy, but Skillet’s fans sure are fucking with that anime-ass pussy.
Speaking o’ going downhill from here… ¿What is this Nickelback-ass shit? You dare to follow the amazing “Monster” with this fucking slush. “Don’t wake me” is right: sleeping is better than listening to this. The chorus legit sounds like Nickelback’s “Savin’ Me”, in the chorus where Chad Kroeger-brand sings, “& sing it for me, sing it for me”. ¡Go back to ripping off Three Days Grace!
No, ¡wait! I’m thinking o’ the chorus o’ Nickelback’s, “Far Away”, where he sings, “I love you, I loved you all along…”. That was the song.
Grade: F
4. Awake and Alive
Ah, there’s that Three Days Grace lite I was looking for.
Actually, I kind o’ wish this song sucked as hard as the last song, as while I much prefer listening to this mildly nice & catchy song, there’s nothing interesting to write. I do kind o’ find the “¡waking up, waking up!” part @ the beginning o’ the bridge funny, with the sing-song way it’s sung that makes it sound like the singer is singing to a child.
¿What kind o’ title is “Awake & Alive”? Obviously you’re alive if you’re awake: dead people can’t be woke, which is why Republicans love dead people so much.
Grade: B
5. One Day Too Late
God, this chorus sounds like it belongs on a kid’s show. I’m certainly not in the mood for hearing a song ’bout making the best o’ my time when I’m writing ’bout a fucking Skillet album — masturbating all day like Jon Arbuckle sounds downright productive in comparison.
¿& does e’ery verse need to start with an ad for Tiktok? ¿Hath this devout band not read the 11th commandment, “Thou shalt not be a fuckin’ sellout”?
I shouldn’t need to tell you that the jingly guitarwork & squeaky singing are intolerable. I don’t e’en know what this is ripping off, but I dread to hear it.
Grade: F
6. It’s Not Me, It’s You
O’ all the Three Days Grace songs, this is the most Three Days Grace, from riffs @ the beginning, the way the singing builds, & the shouts o’ “¡You!” @ the end, which is just like the shouts o’ “¡Home!” in Three Days Grace’s, um, “Home”. Obviously, it’s not as good: the music is too clean & o’erprocessed ( e’en compared to Three Days Grace, who are not exactly Velvet Underground ) & the singing sounds weaker & mo’ weaselly.
But lyrically this is on the same level, if not better, & is, unironically, the best-written song I’ve e’er heard from this band. O’ all the breakup songs I’ve heard, — & given all the angsty nu-metal & post-grunge I’ve listened to in my teens, that’s a lot — I don’t think I’ve e’er heard a song that twists the mealy-mouthed, “It’s not you, it’s me” cliché into this bitter invective, but it’s great — & especially coming after all the lame-ass Sunday-school songs before, such a bitter song starting with the line, “Let’s get this story straight: you were poison”, like the singer is sick o’ this bullshit already, is heaven to my ears. Hell yeah. More o’ this, please.
Grade: S
7. Should’ve When You Could’ve
Sigh. It seems I have to resign myself to getting a shitty song e’ery other song, like Skillet was thinking, “All right, we can’t spoil them: they’re too happy, so let’s give ’em shit now”. In contrast to the iconic, “It’s Not Me, It’s You”, which is a clever title for a song, “Should’ve When You Could’ve” is the corniest shit e’er, & the sassy way the singer sings, “better luck next time, girl”, makes me want to die. & the music is so cheese, it e’en ends with the cliché noodly boops so many pop-rock songs end with & has millennial woahs in the chorus, e’en tho nu-metal is far too early for millennial woahs.
Grade: F
8. Believe
It says something when I’m grateful they’ve gone back to sounding like Nickelback. Actually, this country-sounding song is hilarious, with its dime-store twanging notes & the way the singer sings, “I can’t fill the emptiness inside since you’ve been gone”. ¡Move o’er, Johnny Cash! Also: the smarmy way the singer sings, “I know I said things that I didn’t mean” in the bridge.
Speaking o’ the bridge, I love the guitar solo @ its beginning, which starts with standard Skillet strings, & then melts into those dime-store country guitar twanging, which devolves into rapid fire notes that sound like they’re being played on a plastic Guitar Hero guitar.
That being said, I unironically like the end to the chorus, with its bombastic, “you’re all that I need / just tell me that you still believe”, as generic as the lyrics are, especially @ the very end.
Grade: A
9. Forgiven
O, now we’re aping Evanescence, with those opening notes that sound very similar to the iconic opening to “Bring Me To Life”. Too bad the singing is nowhere near as catchy. In fact, it’s so monotone, & yet sung with such intensity, that it’s annoying. Same goes for the “ho-woah-woah”s @ the beginning o’ the bridge.
& the lyrics fall into the same Cartmen syndrome where I can’t tell if this is ’bout God or someone they want to fuck — or both. It doesn’t help when you have lines like this:
I get down on my knees feel your love wash over me
Like, come on, they had to know. I don’t care if you’re Todd Fucking Flanders ( weird how Ned would give his son such an unholy middle name ), if you read these lines, your 1st thought is wishing for God to shower the singer with coconut cream pies.
10. Sometimes
( Note: ’twas a statistical inevitability that 1 o’ the AMVs I randomly chose for 1 o’ these songs would end up having an upskirt in its thumbnail ).
¿How could the band who made “Comatose” make a song so boring. I can’t emphasize how bland the chorus is, both in lyricism & its failure to form an interesting melody. I guess this song has a somewhat interesting guitar sol — No, fuck it. It’s not interesting. Nothing ’bout this song is — woah. ¿What the fuck are those beeps @ the end. ¿Why the fuck isn’t that the song?
Grade: D
11. Never Surrender
“Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na”… Zzzzzz… This album has 14 songs. Many albums had only 12. ¿They couldn’t afford to cut these obvious filler tracks out?
Grade: D
12. Lucy
The opening is literally just someone hitting 1 fucking note on a piano repeatedly. It’s so annoying.
Because I have a working brain — well, I do so far; we’ll see if this album finally breaks me — I assumed that these smaltzy lyrics were ’bout this singer’s fucking dog dying & was hoping it wasn’t ’bout an actual adult woman, as the lines, “now that it’s over / I just want to hold her” sound idiotic in that context ( well, they sound idiotic in any context, but e’en worse there ). But then I read Cooper’s explanation for this song’s meaning & remembered that Cooper doesn’t have a working brain, but has 1 that has been melted by too much exposure to Jesus’s warm rays:
Listen up while I tell you a story about a young girl and a young guy who found themselves in a hard situation. They didn’t know what to do when they found out that she was pregnant; they were young, they didn’t have any money, they were scared, they didn’t want to tell anybody, they didn’t know what to do, and the only option that they could see was to terminate the pregnancy. So that’s what they decided to do… they went to a clinic, they had the procedure done, and at first they felt relieved that all their problems had gone away. But then something happened that they did not expect, and then over the next few weeks, which turned into a few months, they began to feel an intense sadness… and a pain and an agony and a guilt that wouldn’t go away. They didn’t know what to do, so they finally went to see a counsellor [sic]; they said, ‘look – tell us what to do, we just don’t know,’ and the counsellor [sic] made a suggestion. The counsellor [sic] said, ‘here’s what you need to do – stop acting like you had a procedure, and act like you had a death in the family.’ So the couple went home and they made three decisions; number one, they decided to have a funeral service for the baby; number two, they bought a tiny little headstone; and the last decision to make was what to name the baby. After a couple weeks they finally decided they would call her… Lucy.
I’ll give Cooper 1 thing: it’s creative — in that such a thing would only happen on an alien planet, not real life. I don’t know any counselors — e’en the misspelled ones with too many L’s — whose 1st inclination when trying to soothe a couple grappling with the trauma o’ abortion would add to that trauma by insisting to them that that abortion was a “death in the family”, which was not necessarily the idea they already had, much less inventing a bizarre ritual where they hold a funeral for this fetus, rather than, I dunno, just telling them, “It is common for people to feel guilt after something like this”, & maybe saying something ’bout moving on. Fun tip: the psychological community tends to not look highly on fixating on past mistakes or trauma, especially when it involves weird rituals, & in contrast to what Cooper thinks, most health professionals, in fact, do think o’ abortions as procedures, not “deaths in the family” — that’s why they perform them & don’t rub their hands afterward & twirl their moustache & say, “¡Now my kill count is e’en greater than Dr. ikillbabies23!”.
E’en worse, you only get to hear this fanciful story in this garbled recounting, not in the song itself, which is so vague I mistook it for being ’bout a dead dog. Yeah, there’s the line, “I’ve got to live with the choices I made”, which I now see as a wink-wink, nudge-nudge gainst “pro-choice” people, but without this context could just refer to the dumbass singer accidentally leaving chocolate out that the dog ate. ¿Was Cooper trying to hide this song’s true meaning for fear o’ alienating his audience till he felt it had become accepted ’nough to reveal its true dark meaning, or is he just a bad lyricist? Considering P.O.D. made a song called “Abortion Is Murder” & nobody gave a shit ’cause nobody gives a shit ’bout ✝-rock, I’m going to guess the form — hold, on, ¿what’s the 1st line o’ that P.O.D. song?
you are now about to witness the strength of street knowledge
Bitch, ¿you’re blasphemous ’nough to sample the iconic opening o’ Straight Outta Compton in vain for your lame-ass ✝-rap song?
Grade: D
13. Dead Inside
You have no idea how excited I was when the previous song ended on Spotify YouTube Music & I found myself suddenly listening to “I Write Sins Not Tragedies” by Panic! At the Disco. { ¡There are only 12 songs on this album? ¡I’m free! }. But I saw those other tracks on Genius & forced myself to check out the “deluxe” edition, so we’re not free to listen to better music just yet. You could e’en say I feel dead inside.
As trite as it is to say, the best way to describe this song is, “¿What if someone AI-generated a Skillet song?”. It sounds distinctly Skilletlike: it’s got those blasting strings & bombastic choruses, but it lacks the interesting melody twists that make their better songs listenable.
Cooper is begging God to save him from his severe depression.
No, this song will ne’er matter, which is why it wasn’t included on an album that had standards low ’nough to include “Sometimes”.
This song is an alternative metal ballad by Skillet. It is a bonus track from “Awake”. This track has never been performed live. The basic context is about a person who no one cares about and hence wants to leave this world.
E’en the author o’ this annotation doesn’t think this song matters. This is the most clinical description o’ a song. @ this point “sonic material” is a mo’ fitting term than “song”.
Despite this song not mattering, I was still able to find an AMV for this song, ’cause it is against the law for there to exist a Skillet song without an AMV.
Grade: Doesn’t Matter
15. Monster (Alternate Radio Version)
This is the “Wicked Monster” ( unlike Thousand Foot Krutch, not in the good way ): much as the “Wicked Bible” corrupted the LORD’s words by replacing their demand not to commit adultery with the command to commit adultery, the “Wicked Monster” replaces the aforementioned memetically amazing line, “I feel like a monster”, in a monster-growl voice with 1 that sounds like the normal singing used thruout the choruses — apparently for the radio, presumably ’cause square executives didn’t think ordinary listeners could handle such memetic cheese. ¡Cowards! Thus I have not included a AMV, tho I’m sure I could’ve found 1 with this version, as nobody should listen to this abomination.
I know what you’re thinking: “Yawn, here we get to hear some hilarious memes ’bout being down with the sickness ¡OOO-WAH-AH-AH-AH!”. Well, I’m sorry to inform you that we will not be looking @ their 2000 debut, The Sickness, with such certified hood classics as “Droppin’ Plates” & the 1, the only, “Down with the Sickness” — a’least not now. No, we will be looking @ their much less funny & memetic 2002 sophomore “Believe”, an album heavily influenced by the death o’ lead singer David Draiman’s Orthodox Jewish father, with whom he had become estranged, & thus has heavy religious themes ( tho much, much less, um, sunday-school-like as Thousand Foot Krutch’s magnum opus we looked @ previously ) & an album that had largely become forgotten, I remember, e’en during part o’ the height o’ their popularity, when releasing their 3rd & 4th albums. This isn’t that uncommon in nu-metal: nobody remembers Papa Roach’s Lovehatetragedy, either. As early as 2002 many bands associated with nu-metal were already starting to realize ’twas a goofy fad & were trying to sneak out into mo’ respectable genres. If I actually took seriously “nu-metal” as a specific genre & didn’t just use it as “metal from the noughties”, which apparently includes Nickelback, for my own conveniences, I wouldn’t include this album.
¿Why did I choose this album, which is their least funny & memetic, & also the least representation o’ their sound? I promise it is not due to certain recent events that have reignited last October ( ¡I said no politics in October, world! ) & which shall go unnamed for now. I would actually say the answer is in the question: ¿wouldn’t a very unfunny album that sounds significantly different from their normal styles ( I would say their 3rd & 4th album have noticeable differences in style & they wouldn’t really solidify their style till their 4th album ) be very interesting to look @? ¿No? Well, tough shit, ’cause that’s what we’re doing. I’m driving the car round here.
1. Prayer
This was the 1st single on this album & very, very rarely played on the radio — a’least after their 3rd album came out & this song was no longer fresh.
The theme in the song is inspired by the book of Job, in which God allows for Satan to test Job’s piety with multitudes of different curses. Instead of turning away from God, Job however is strengthened in his religious fervor, he refuses to turn away from God no matter what the trials.
&, yeah, a Biblically-inspired work ’bout one’s strained feelings ’bout God are inevitably going to reference that big Bible story ’bout humanity’s strained relations with God ( tho if one wanted to be exotic — or emo — one could reference “Ecclesiastes” ). Howe’er the way Genius says it makes it sound like a ✝-rock Sunday-school lesson, whereas if you listen to the lyrics, there is a clear sarcastic tone to it — which, to be fair, is mo’ in line with the real Job rather than the way Sunday schools have sanitized him. Like Job, Draiman sounds less “strengthened in his religious fervor”, as Christians interpret the story, &, mo’ in line with Jewish sentiments, resigned. Thus, if I may be so blasphemous, I must politely disagree with Genius’s interpretation. Also, Christians totally get the Book of Job wrong, as well as most o’ the ol’ testament — seriously, Isaiah was talking ’bout his wife, not some virgin giving birth.
Genius also claims that in the music video “the band members go through a modern interpretation of Job’s trials”. Unfortunately, the YouTube link they provide is gone now, but if you watch the music video I provide ’bove, you won’t really see much o’ Job’s trials, ’less you think Job seeing homeless men & prostitutes were his trials ( spoiler: they weren’t ). I certainly don’t remember any scene in Job where he & his useless idiot ”friends” who just shit-talk him thruout the story rock out o’er urban rubble. Admittedly, the story might’ve been improved if it did, but they didn’t have the technology back then.
Honestly, I think this album had better choices for a single, specially the 1st. I do like the melodic bridge & choruses ( well, ’cept when Draiman interrupts his soulful pleading with an abrupt, “¡ROCK!” ), & I do like the crunchy texture o’ the guitar riffs, which I’d know how to describe if I knew anything ’bout music; but the actual guitar composition feels plain, as do the verses.
Grade: B
2. Liberate
“Liberate” is a song about having an open mind, to liberate ones mind from conflict based on blind hatred and different beliefs. It’s calling for the day that every major religion has foretold; the coming of the messiah and the end of days.
Holy shit, these Genius annotations are by someone who thinks Disturbed is a Christian rock band. I ne’er thought Disturbed lyrics would be o’er the head o’ Genius, but that is the world we live in. As anyone who knows any religion but Christianity knows, “the coming of the messiah and the end of days” is most definitely not a part o’ e’ery major religion. This annotation misses the sarcasm ’hind the line “waiting for your modern messiah”. This song was released a year after 9/11 & when war was being stoked by the religious right with heavy Islamophobic sentiments. The meaning ’hind the sick reference to Isaiah in the bridge “nation shall not raise sword gainst nation / & they shall not learn war anymore” could not be clearer. It is, in fact, an expression o’ an ol’ tradition o’ religious criticism: pointing out hypocrisy.
This song, the 2nd single & the 1 that was played way more oft, is the most nu-metal-sounding on this album, & the only time Draiman does his patented scatsinging. Since Draiman clearly was mo’ concerned with having words that fit well with the meter than the profoundest words, the verses & pre-choruses ( which are just repeated the 2nd time ) are rather vague & basic… But damn are they catchy & fun to sing ’long to — & let’s face it: in music, that’s what matters most. This song is very cheesy, specially with the liberal uses o’ “motherfucker” in the verses contrasted gainst the sorrowful pleading chorus & the dignified scripture verse in the bridge, but that kind o’ weird mixture is what I like most o’ nu-metal. Certified nu-metal expert J. J. W. Mezun proclaims this to be a banger. Amen.
Grade: A
3. Awaken
This is, in my opinion, the most underrated Disturbed song o’ all time. I don’t mean due to memes or any extreme cheesiness ( tho the parrotlike “¡ACK!”s & “SHUAH!”s strewn thru the chorus would be a candidate if Draiman didn’t make much weirder sounds on other songs, as well as the repeated line ’talking ’bout how the narrator wants to “play with your evil side” 😉 ). I just think this is his best singing with the most range, alternating ’tween the menacingly quiet & tepid verses & angry choruses, specially the bridge, which goes e’en further with the menacing quietude. I e’en like the very noisy guitarwork, which I’m usually not crazy ’bout from Disturbed, specially the way it transitions the 1st chorus & the 1st verses & the stringlike sound o’ the guitar & baseline under the bridge.
Genius clearly doesn’t agree with me, as they ain’t said shit ’bout this song. To be honest, I have no idea what this song is ’bout & ne’er felt burdened by that lack o’ knowledge. I think I always assumed ’twas ’bout the temptation o’ sin, which, now that I think ’bout it, is what later songs on this album will be ’bout, too.
Grade: S
4. Believe
This feels like a better “Prayer”, laying on e’en thicker the cynicism on religious belief, specially with the quiet, sing-songy verses ( matched with a sing-songy main riff that goes DUM-DUM, DUH DUM-DUM, DUM-DUM, DUH DUM-DUM ), only to build-up to louder chants for a chorus telling the reader that their beliefs are useless, they’re still rotten, sinful creatures, only to become an intense thumping rhythm during the bridge, only to end with the very soft line, “burn your lie”.
“Believe when you lie, teaching the art of deception. It is the teacher speaking to the student. The theologians continuing their legacy of lies. For the perpetuation of such false beliefs, penance cannot absolve your sin.” http://youtu.be/EjaMPAo5UwE
I don’t know if this is a quote from Draiman explaining the song’s meaning or the anonymous author wanted to rant their sick philosophical beliefs & decided the annotation for a Disturbed song was the best place. Sadly, the YouTube link is as lost as the Annals o’ Solomon. ( The Anals o’ Solomon, howe’er, can still be found on RedTube ).
Grade: A
5. Remember
When I 1st heard this album, I wasn’t in love with this song, but my opinion on this song has probably risen mo’ than any other song on this album. While the singing lacks the variety that “Awaken” has, it is, specially the choruses, hands-down Draiman’s best singing. The music, while certainly not terrible, is kind o’ basic, tho.
The music video, which I’d ne’er seen — probably ’cause MTV was probably playing their 100th reality TV show @ the time instead — doesn’t do the drama o’ the song justice, howe’er, as it seems to be the band jamming out while watching Phantom of the Opera porn — probably with a name like “Phantom of the Cock” or “Phallus of the Opera”.
Grade: A
6. Intoxication
This song’s a fine ’nough banger, & I like how the fast-paced, shouting verses make way for the erratic pre-chorus rhythm, both o’ which fit well for a song ’bout intoxication, & then the slower, mo’ soulful chorus as the singer laments said intoxication. I do think the verses could’ve been mo’ fast-paced. I mean, “Liberate” was mo’ fast-paced, & that was just ’bout liberating your mind, man, which, I guess, some people would say is a better drug. ( “¡you’re better than drugs!”. ¡No! ¡We’re not s’posed to talk ’bout Skillet yet! ).
Grade: B
7. Rise
I’ve ne’er been crazy ’bout this song. It’s a bit schmaltzy. I mean, the verses & main chorus with its generic lyrics telling you to rise up ( gamers ) in such an “inspiring” voice is the only time this album begins to sound like ✝-rock. If it sounded less generic, I’d buy it. & while it doesn’t sound bad, I don’t know how I feel ’bout the cheesy line in the pre-chorus, “¿do you really think i covet like you do?”. I mean, ¿maybe? You are the guy who sang “Meaning of Life”’s “give in, give in, decide”.
That said I do like the downtuned guitars in the post-chorus where he asks, “¿am I precious to you now?” & the very quiet quaking sounds after the 2nd post-chorus. & believe it or not, I don’t mind the ending with the cheesy lyrics o’ “pure emotion falling from my eyes”, which a’least don’t sound smug like the “covet like you do” line, but its mood is ruined by the return o’ the generic chorus. ’Gain, if the chrous were really good, I’d appreciate it, but there are much better songs that do what this song does.
Grade: C
8. Mistress
I’m not the biggest fan o’ Disturbed’s instrumentation, but I will say that I think this song’s opening riffs are ’mong their best. In contrast, I’m not wild ’bout Draiman’s singing here, which is way too high-pitched.
I’m not sure what this song has to do with this album’s general theme o’ spiritual inner conflict, & like many o’ the nu-metal bands we’ve looked @, the lyrics seem hopelessly vague & abstract:
to stand on the edge of the knife cutting through the nightmare from which I just cannot awaken stand on the edge of the night living inside a moment from which I will never awaken
That’s deep, bro.
fallen again for another mistress of burden to idolize hoping that 1 of them will decide to let me in
look at what you’ve done to me you’ve become my enemy poisoning the world for me
This is disturbingly starting to sound like an incel anthem. Let’s move on.
Grade: B
9. Breathe
Ne’er been a big fan o’ this song, either, from the weird DUH-DUH-DUH DUH-DUH-DUH squeaky guitar riffs, bizarrely mixed with the stilted, slow singing, specially since the lyrics are specially vague & uninspired here, with generic lines ’bout “releasing your life” repeated in the verses, choruses, & e’en the bridge. It’s very repetitive, & without the fun o’ “Liberate”’s internal-rhyme-filled scatting.
& then you have the chorus with its awkward “DAMNS” that sound like Shadow the Hedgehog is singing this song:
you’ll never leave alive now, do you think you’re too DAMN good for the killing kind
This just reminds me o’ that Nickelback song, “Feeling Too Damn Good”, or whate’er ’twas called. I’m pretty certain only dads use the phrase “damn good”; the hip kids o’ today say, “pibbfizzing”. If Mr. John Disturbed had said that, this song would be good.
Grade: C
10. Bound
Genius returns to annotating to tell us this is a breakup song, which doesn’t fit with this album’s otherwise mo’ serious religious themes, & makes the mo’ somber music & singing that are still on this song seem o’erwrought. I mean, this song starts by shouting, “¡darkness cover me!”. & yet the lyrics don’t sound anywhere near upset, but mo’ just annoyed:
o, I’m not ready to die, girl because of what you don’t tell me i’m not willing to compromise the man I want to be
think you’re a little bit closer to changing me you’re never winning me over you’re wasting time
Honestly, e’erything ’bout this song — the guitar riffs & drums, the singing, the lyrics — sound like generic filler. The tempo & tone o’ singing changes rapidly & jerkily, but not in a way that’s interesting. ¿What is the tone o’ this song s’posed to be? It sounds like the singer’s s’posed to be going thru a comic mental breakdown, specially when he shouts, “¡ready!” & “¡darkness cover me!” out o’ nowhere.
Grade: D
11. Devour
Mo’ squeaky guitarwork. Still, the menacingly slow verses & melodious chrous are better than the past few songs, tho not as good as songs in the 1st half o’ this album. Plus, it’s funny to imagine Draiman singing ’bout wanting to eat the listener, especially with how serious the singing is. This song should’ve gotten a music video instead o’ those other songs.
Grade: C
12. Darkness
You would think Disturbed doing an acoustic ballad would be a terrible idea, — certainly their infamous cover o’ “The Sound of Silence” would lead one to expect such — but I actually think this was well-done & makes a perfect album ender. The lyrics feel mo’ broad than generic, which is helped by the slowness o’ this song providing few words. & the singing has just ’nough variation in tone to keep it from sounding monotonous, which is the common flaw o’ boring slow songs.
If anything, it’s too bad this song is preceded by all the weak songs that come before it. Hearing Draiman sing ’bout wanting to eat the listener leading directly to this is quite a whiplash.
Grade: A
All right, next month I’ll review an actually funny album.
All right, all you sinners: get out your angel horns &, as their biggest song goes, get ready to ¡MOOOVE! & step into the circle & shake like green dew ( I don’t care if the official lyrics say “like we do”: as a kid I heard “green dew”, & nobody will change my mind on this subject. The 1st Council o’ Nicaea has made their decision ).
1. Phenomenon
This song’s lyrics are less cringe & mo’ miracle-spherical word-taco rap that any 5th-tier rapper could spit & I wouldn’t spit out my drink. Like a lot o’ Thousand Foot Krutch songs, there’s a lot o’ vague incitements to dance with only vague references to faith: “raise up the lighters, praise to the righteous”. ¿Isn’t raising your lighter usually something you do for slow, moving songs, not bops? If you’re following the advice o’ a later line to “¡roll! open your soul, maybe lose control” then you’re liable to accidentally fling your lighter or bump it into someone & possible start a fire. Awfully irresponsible for this godly band to inspire pyromania.
Other lines are weirder:
don’t let these spiders crawl up beside us they want to bite us, inject the virus
¿What does Thousand Foot Krutch have gainst spiders? The only place where they’re mentioned in The Bible is the book o’ Job, 1 o’ the world’s earliest emo songs, where he just calls their webs useless. It wasn’t spiders who tasted o’ the wicked fruit o’ knowledge. Spiders are innocent & will all be written in the book o’ the saved when the floods come once mo’.
Mo’ puzzling are these lines from the bridge:
i’m not invisible like you next time things get a little messed up
¿Who’s “you”? ¿Me? I’m not invisible. ¿Why does Thousand Foot Krutch ( I’m gonna get sick o’ typing that name ) assume their audience is invisible? They don’t learn “Vanish” till they get the Phantom magicite from the Magitek Research Facility.
This is mo’ absurd when you consider the lines that come just before:
tired of being ordinary don’t care if there’s people staring
I mean, if your audience is invisible, they should definitely not care if people are staring. ¿Staring @ what? ¿People dancing? That’s what people do in the concerts this song was clearly aimed @. ¿What idiots would be gawking @ people dancing @ a rock concert?
The song is about being bold and confident in your faith, and getting down to the beat of this Christian song.
This was either written by an middle-aged youth pastor or someone making fun o’ people who listen to this band. I refuse to believe that e’en 80% o’ the people who listen to this band unironically would use the phrase “getting down to the beat of this Christian song”.
Vague lyrics aside, I have to admit that this song is catchy, tho not nearly as much as “Move”, which, now that I think ’bout it, is clearly just them doing this song ’gain, with its vague lyrics exhorting its listeners to dance. For 1, this song’s actual music, its guitar riffs, bass riffs, & drumbeats, are generic, whereas “Move” had cool high-pitched noodly notes.
Grade: B
2. Step To Me
See, now this song’ got a pretty cool bassline. Tho I don’t know how I feel ’bout the weird muffled “dow-now-dow-now” riffs that come up e’ery now & then.
& like “Phenomenon”, this song has a catchy chorus with lyrics that are hopelessly vague.
Actually, this song’s chorus falls right into Cartmanesque love songs for Jesus territory, asking someone to “hold me tight in your arms tonight” while later telling this addressee “you’re my answer to the question why”.
This becomes e’en mo’ confusing when we look @ the verses, which take a much different tone:
i’m sick of letting you control me & all the places that i go i’m never giving in to you again take, take another look @ me take another look & tell me what you see all of these cats tryin’ to get under my skin but they can’t step over me
Now the person he’s talking to ( ¿the same person? ) is an antagonistic figure whose not going to step to them, bro. Indeed, near the end o’ the song the singer asserts, “but you can’t hold me”, which is the exact opposite o’ what he was requesting in the chorus. Either the chorus & verses are aimed @ different people & the lyricist didn’t bother to connect them or the singer in this song is a tsundere.
Deep within all these vague words o’ “I love you” & “No, you cats ain’t controllin’ me, son” is this weird line:
couldn’t see it ’til I multiplied you
These lyrics are building a consistent case that Thousand Foot Krutch are engaging in witchcraft & must be burned @ the stake ( that song, which is a hard S-grade, is a treat to you, the reader, for being good ).
“Step To Me” depicts TFK frontman Trevor Mcnevan’s battle in his beliefs between accepting and allowing God to be in control of his life, and being in denial and frustrated by God.
So it is decreed canon by the priests o’ song meanings: this song is ’bout wanting to hate-fuck God. Real rad o’ Thousand Foot Krutch to cover a Nine Inch Nails song.
Grade: B
3. Last Words
When I was young I always thought this song was just a less-good “Jumper” by Third Eye Blind. Howe’er, thanks to Genius’s annotation & rereading the lyrics, I have discovered that rather than this song being an uplifting song from a nonsuicidal person toward somebody considering suicide, it is, in fact, ’bout the dead person apologizing for dying:
i’m sorry i left you i’m living in a world of regret don’t cry if you can hear me i never meant to hurt you dearly i’m so wrong sincerely don’t stop take life seriously
Now, Genius only says that this person “probably killed themself”, &, indeed, the lyrics are vague ’nough that it could just be someone dead regretting how useless their life was sitting round just masturbating all day before dying o’ diabetes ’cause they ate nothing but McDonalds — or how sinful was their life sitting round just masturbating all day before dying o’ diabetes ’cause they ate nothing but McDonalds. That’s a good thing for TFK, as writing a song depicting a suicidal person as the asshole is, ironically, an assholish move in itself. Actually, ’less this person was a real asshole in life ( ’gain, the lyrics are so vague that we get no information beyond “there’s so much I’ve done wrong” & mumblings ’bout “all the times I’ve lied and hurt you”, which could be referring to anything from Walter White running a secret meth business to secretly masturbating to porn all day in shame ’hind their loved one’s back ), depicting the dead person as an asshole for being dead is still an assholish move.
Anyway, the singer then goes on to exhort the listener — you — to treasure life & all its sunsets & to “thank God in the morning for another day” — preferably before or after you start your morning jerk-off session, as God doesn’t want to talk to you while you’re doing that kind o’ thing, or while you’re using the bathroom, by the way, you weirdo.
But halfway thru the 2nd verse, the advice gets confusing:
those people please love them don’t hate them we’re not above them you can have everything but have nothing listen I’ve got to tell you something
¿Who are “those people”? ¿People who die? ¿Suicidal people? ¿Sinners? I’m listening, but you’re not telling me anything @ all.
Unfortunately, ’cause o’ this, this song didn’t work for me, as I still just ended up wasting the rest o’ my day masturbating, & now I still haven’t caught up on my ¡Mega Microstories! backlog. Worse yet: ¡I forgot to thank God this morning for creating ’nother day! ¡How rude! ( They make 1 e’ery day: @ a certain point it stops becoming impressive & starts becoming rote ).
The chorus is decently catchy, but the singer’s voice gets real squeaky & annoying in this song. Also, the riffs, baselines, & drums just feel like random sputtering, specially @ the beginning.
Grade: D
4. This Is A Call
This is a hokey-ass ballad — & considering how white this band’s “hard” songs are, you can only imagine how supernova this shit is. I want to specially emphasize the chorus melody ,— what has, so far, been the best part o’ these songs — which is some square-dance “dum de dum de dum dum, dum de dum de dum dum” shit. I hate it.
The lyrics are the cheesiest shit e’er, including the vital inclusion o’ the mother with cancer. Best o’ all, the singer follows up this revelation with the rhyme, “& her friends don’t understand her”.
The 2nd verse is much less dramatic, being mostly ’bout some guy whose useless & has a boring life & probably spends all day masturbating. So that verse is ’bout Jon Arbuckle.
These are my favorite lines in this song:
take me to a place where nothing’s wrong & thanks for coming, shut the door
Also:
well if you’re real then save me Jesus
Jesus: <I have some bad news for you…>.
Grade: S & F
5. Rawkfist
WARNING: YOU ARE ’BOUT TO ENCOUNTER A POTENTIALLY LETHAL DOSE O’ CRINGE. PEOPLE WITH LOW TOLERANCE FOR CRINGE SHOULD AVOID WATCHING OR LISTENING TO THE FOLLOWING YOUTUBE VIDEO. IF YOU START TO FEEL YOUR SOUL LEAVE YOUR BODY FROM CRINGE O’ERDOSE, STOP WATCHING OR LISTENING TO THIS VIDEO IMMEDIATELY & VISIT YOUR DOCTOR TO TEST FOR CRINGESCARS.
1st, ¿what the hell is that haircut that the guitarist has in this music video? Also, I love how @ the end o’ the music video — after the singer drops his final rawkfist — they all start glowing. Presumably God has looked down @ their wicked ( ¡but in a good way! ) tune & has prematurely given them eternal life so he can listen to their rad beats for eternity.
¿What else is there for me to say ’bout this song? As soon as you are hit with those immortal words screamed out loud —
¡throw up your rawkfist! ¡if you’re feelin’ it when I drop this!
— you know you’re in for the ultimate o’ nu-metal cheese.
If you don’t believe me when I tell you that Thousand Foot Krutch puts Kendrick to shame, let me show you these sharp lyrics:
show ’em how we slow this spot, let ‘s make it hot let’s shock ’em with the bodyrock ’til the party stops it’s time to take it up a notch & keep it locked for all the headbangers in the parking lot here we come if you’re ready or not no time to talk ’cause we on the clock bringin’ that ¡uhh! ¡uhh! to your block let me show ya where we’re comin’ from, it don’t stop
Um, ¿what is this “¡uhh! ¡uhh!” they are bringing to my block? Perhaps they should keep that to themselves privately.
The chorus is, bizarrely, much calmer ’bout all it took to both make & break this amazing music. For the LORD said to Adam, “For dust thou art, & unto dust shalt thou return”; & so the LORD’s favorite rock band that their grandmother will let them listen to shalt say to their song, “For cheese thou art, & unto cheese shalt thou return”. Amen.
ESPN’s Sports Center used it for their Ultimate Highlight showcases during the program. The TV Series Smallville used it in the episode “Velocity” in season 3.
The idea o’ this song being used in these 2 places amused me so much that I had to look them up. I couldn’t find the 1st, but luckily I found the scene from Smallville:
Seeing this scene with youngster Superman locked in baby Lex Luthor’s devious trap where he’s poisoned with kryotonite ignited by race cars while this song plays is the very definition o’ heaven described in Dante Alghieri’s divine comedy — ’cause that’s what it is, comedy antikryptonite.
Also notable for being one of the few tracks off of Phenomenon that showcased their rap/hip-hop influences from their debut studio album “Set it Off.”
¿What? All o’ these songs so far ’cept the ballad have had rapped verses. ¿Did the person who wrote this not listen to the rest o’ the album?
Grade: 🪨✊
6. Faith, Love, and Happiness
O, right… There’s mo’ than half this album left. Whoopie.
Actually, I think I can sympathize with these lyrics:
everyone is up in my face need to get outta this place it’s hard to see with you in front of my face just another perfect day acting like they wanna talk to me so fake yet so friendly my eyes can see even the back of me ¿won’t you just let me be?
O, wait, ne’ermind:
all I want is faith, love & happiness
Speak for yourself: I don’t want that shit.
I do like how they sneak in 1 mo’ misanthropic line just after that:
every time one runs away another one’s returning
You said, it, brother. Amen.
Hey, wait… ¿What’s this?
every which way I turn I’ve got the option of a million choices every single word I say is judged by a million critics every which way you turn you got the sound of a million voices every single move you make is torn by a million cynics
Shit, they saw me comin’. ¡Turn the car around!
This is your 1st album anyone cared ’bout. Cracka, a million critics weren’t sayin’ shit ’bout you yet.
So spake Genius:
Generalizing the common issues and hardships that people face in this world, singer Trevor Mcnevan believes that in order to be content with our lives, we need a solid relationship with God.
Well, you can tell God — who I know was responsible for this being written, I know you’re there, God — I told them they need to give me some space, as I’m not emotionally ready for commitment right now.
Sonically, this song is fine. I kind o’ like the rhythm o’ the verses. Apparently TFK did, too, as they reuse it for the chorus. The music itself is just chugga-chugga rock riffs, tho.
Grade: C
7. I Climb
I fucking hate this stop-&-go melody all thruout the verses, pre-choruses, & choruses, not helped by the whining tone thruout the singing. There’s also an ugly airiness to how the instruments sound.
Also likely a continuation of narration in the story from the previous tracks “Last Words” and “Faith, Love and Happiness,” this song is about how the individual(s) mentioned are struggling with their outlook on life, and how they are occasionally able to see past their problems and realize God’s love and care for them.
Ugh. ¿So it’s just a rehash o’ the previous song? I’m getting a sneaking suspicion that this band, like many mid-tier bands, had only a couple good songs & filled the rest with filler.
Grade: F
8. Quicken
This song is all o’er the place, specially the verses, which slow & speed up in erratic ways. Just listen to the 2nd verse. Sadly, none o’ it leads to anything catchy or interesting, & the lyrics are… what you expect.
Grade: D
9. New Design
Genius didn’t e’en bother to make an annotation for this song, presumably ’cause e’en the only fan who cared ’nough to write the earlier entries got bored & stopped listening by this point. Similarly, we don’t need to say anything ’bout this song.
Grade: 😴
10. Bounce
All right, we’re back to that rippity rapping:
it’s TFK we rock the party & keep the party jumpin’ in an old school way
¡Ha, ha, ha! “Old school”. Yeah, they’re rocking the party like Moses did in 1200 BC. ¡Real hiphop, honkey!
You know they slay like King David with lines like this:
play for a team that’s called “not to mess with”
O shit, I don’t mess with any team called “not to mess with”. ¡They be endin’ those sentences with prepositions, dawg!
& check out the scenario
You know, I was going to make fun o’ them for ripping off A Tribe Called Quest, but then realized I mixed up their lines “Check the rhime [sic]” & “¿What’s the scenario?”, so that hilarious joke doesn’t work. But, you know what, you readers have been so patient with these boring album-end filler songs that I think you deserve a treat in the form o’ an actually good rap song, so here you go:
Grade: ⚔️
11. Ordinary
This song is so lazy it just repeats the exact verse twice. The singer also doesn’t bother keeping any kind o’ coherent melody thruout this song, with a particularly boring chorus melody. I would make a joke ’bout this song being ordinary itself, but it’s actually a weird mix o’ weird, but not in an interesting way.
Genius also had nothing to say ’bout this song. In fact, spoiler, they have nothing mo’ to say ’bout the rest o’ this album, as e’en the hardcore TFK fan who was writing them fell off before this point. I may be the only person lame ’nough to go thru this whole album.
Grade: D
12. Break the Silence
¡The last song! ¡We’re almost free! ¡Thank you LORD up high!
This song sounds just like the previous few, with the exception o’ the Korn-like “om-ne-om-ne-om-ne-om” scatting in the bridge. The chorus melody isn’t bad… but it’s not good ’nough that I will e’er listen to this song ’gain.
Grade: C
It’s unfortunate that this album fell off so hard @ the end, as the 1st 6 songs offered so much potential. Such is the risk o’ me stupidly reviewing an entire album.
Yup, you knew ’twas coming — just like how Chad Kroeger’s cumming on his girlfriend’s dress, leaving white stains ( seriously, that’s a line in 1 o’ the songs we’ll be looking @ ). I need not introduce the 1, the only. Unlike Papa Roach or Breaking Benjamin, who are most forgotten outside the realm o’ SiIvaGunner rips ( & I still haven’t heard any Breaking Benjamin there, which needs to be remedied ), Nickelback is the most cliché punchline for “bad music” round. ¿So why am I covering them, when this series focuses on underrated gems? Well, I have 2 reasons, & they revolve round the album I’ll be looking into.
Your 1st expectation when seeing that I’ll be looking @ Nickelback is that the album I’ll be looking @ is All the Right Reasons, with such infamous meme songs as “If Everyone Cared”, a cheesy ballad ’bout how nobody will die if e’eryone cried & nobody lied & anyone tried; “Rockstar”; & the 1, the only, “Look @ this graph”:
I will not be looking @ this album: this is well-tread territory by this point. Nor will I be looking @ their 1st breakthru album in the US, “Silver-Side Up”, with its catchy breakout hit, “How You Remind Me”. But if you want, some guy on YouTube critiqued that album. ( Spoiler: he thinks it’s boring ).
No, the album I’ll be looking @ is “The Long Road”, which, according to memes, is the 1 e’eryone forgets, but is the 1 that introduced me to this band as a li’l kid, before I had heard o’ all the memes ’bout the band — in fact, before those memes e’en existed, as “All the Right Reasons” hadn’t come out yet — & while I was still blissfully ignorant o’ such things as music criticism. & as an innocent kid, my opinion o’ this album was… I thought ’twas all right. Honestly, when I 1st encountered the meme ’bout Nickelback being the worst band e’er, I was always bewildered, not ’cause I thought they were good, but ’cause I was surprised anyone could feel any passion for the band, e’en hatred. ( Also, I knew much worse bands that have been forgotten by this point, like Puddle of Mudd & Theory of a Dead Man ).
1. Flat On the Floor
As a kid I always skipped this 1. I’m not sure why: most people I’ve heard talk ’bout this song list it as 1 o’ their better songs, since it’s loud & fast-paced, clocking in only 2 minutes, with verses & choruses that last ’bout 10 seconds each.
Grade: C
2. Do This Anymore
This was always my favorite track, ’cause I always liked the spooky opening with the “Woooooo” with the squeaky noises ’hind it, backed with gradually rising trainlike chugs ( which is fitting, since the 1st line is talking ’bout being on a train ). Honestly, this song is full o’ weird noises that may be made with an actual guitar, but is probably made with a computer. That obviously puts this song on the same level as “Paranoid Android”.
Grade: B
3. Someday
This song, which I think was the big single ( I don’t think I e’er heard a song from “The Long Road” on the radio ), is sort o’ a meme in that it s’posedly sounds just like “How You Remind Me” & someone made a mash-up to “prove” it. Personally, I ne’er made the connection myself, & if mash-ups prove anything, then clearly Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me” & Train’s “Drops of Jupiter” are the same song.
I think I liked this song as a kid, but it hasn’t aged as well for me as “Do This Anymore”. I tended to be fine with Chad’s screechy voice, but e’en I kind o’ cringe when he sings, “Now that since we’re here anyyyyywayyyyy”. I also find the chorus to be way too bombastic with way too much jingling pop noise, with the twinkly notes & the weird extra voices that might just be Chad’s voice warped by computers in the background. It just sounds like fuzz.
I also find the line, “now the story’s played out like this, just like a paperback novel”, perplexing. ¿Why a paperback novel, & not a hardcover? I guess he means an airport novel: a cheap thriller, rather than literary fiction. But both literary & genre fiction come in both forms: e’ery copy o’ Ulysses I own ( & I own a’least 3, including the infamous Gabler version ) is a paperback, while I have hardcover collections o’ James Bond novels.
That being said, “I wish you’d unclench your fists and unpack your suitcase” isn’t a bad line…
Grade: D
4. Believe It Or Not
I like this song’s main riff, but the lyrics are repetitive fortune-cookie shit, repeating the phrase, “Believe it or not, [insert “hang in there” poster line]”. & I, in actual fact, don’t believe that e’eryone “believe [sic] in something above”, since I know atheists exist. It’s like a weaker “If Everyone Cared”, which a’least had the cheesy inspirational music to fit. This song’s grimy music doesn’t fit @ all.
But that’s OK, ’cause after the 2nd chorus, the riff suddenly drops, & we get some acoustic noodling that sounds both bland & incoherent while the singer continues the same refrains.
Grade: D
5. Feelin’ Way Too Damn Good
This song has stronger verses than the chorus: they have a kind o’ jazziness to them. Also, as cheap as it is, I like that weird bass note ’tween the 1st 2 verses. The chorus, meanwhile, is OK, with the only notable part being when Chad goes “¡OW!” @ the end like he’s orgasming.
Honestly, the best part o’ this song is the part where the attendant announces boarding for a flight to Los Angeles round the bridge.
Grade: C
6. Because Of You
I completely forgot this song existed, & I have a sneaking suspicion I will forgot it ’gain after I’m done with this article.
I guess the 1 thing o’ note is how perplexing the lyrics are. Most o’ it seems to be ’bout someone dying in the hospital, but then we get these lyrics:
now that you did this, you ask for forgiveness doctor, ¿could you be my priest? you say you’re mistaken, but look what you’ve taken you laugh as you lie through your teeth
¿Is the singer implying that this person is killing themself just to spite the singer?
For the record, Genius currently has no annotations for any o’ these songs.
¿Is it me, or do the drums @ the beginning o’ this song sound like Lars Ulrich’s infamous trash can drums in St. Anger ( which I like, by the way — which goes to show how low my standards for music are )?
Grade: C
7. Figured You Out
O’ all the songs on this album, this is the biggest meme song, thanks to the big opening line, “I like the pants around your feet”, which spawned the brilliant DJ Cumberbund remix, “Pantsfeet”.
As a kid I always hated this song ’cause it’s gross, but now I kind o’ respect it a bit mo’ for it, specially with how detailed it is. For a band that’s notorious for being cheesy & boring, I don’t know a lot o’ boring bands who would write the line “I like the white stains on your dress” or talking ’bout freckles on his lover’s chest or dirt on his lover’s knees — tho, I ne’er understood why she has dirt on her knees. ¿Are they fucking outside on the grass?
The negging phrase “you’re my favorite disease” was copied by other buttrockers nobody remembers anymo’, like Rev Theory, but it’s possible Nickelback took the phrase from Saliva — tho they used it in a mo’ negative way — mo’ a toxic relationship than kinky sex… ¿I think? Honestly, that song’s chorus & verses don’t match @ all: he’s bragrapping the verses ’bout how he smokes a lot o’ weed & killin’ all the competition, but then sings ’bout how sad he is in the chorus & bridge.
Basically, what I’m saying is, this song is a worse Saliva song.
Chad Kroeger about the meaning of Figured You Out:
Sometimes you get into a little fling and you think you know the person, and the next thing you know, you’re dating a cokehead who’s interwoven into some underground drug world with Hell’s Angels and movie stars and models and you’re like, “What the @#%$ am I doing?
The song starts off like most relationships do; very physically oriented. And then you start discovering things about the person you’re with it’s like ‘’‘OK, I don’t like that about you, or that, or that……OK, now the only thing we have on common is we have great sex so there’s no point in us being together.
¿How the hell does this come from “I like the white stains on your dress”? ¿Is it sarcastic? The meaty, Fred-Flintstone way Chad says it doesn’t fit. ¿Maybe it’s like Stone Temple Pilot’s “Sex Type Thing” — a much, much better song — & is an ironic depiction o’ the kind o’ meatheat who would say something like this?
Grade: B
8. Should’ve Listened
This was, weirdly, 1 o’ my favorite songs as a kid. I’m not sure why: it’s pretty hokey, specially with the “la, la, la”s in the background during the chorus & the jangling guitar work thruout. I do like the sensory details ’bout what a shitheap the singer’s exgirlfriend left his place in before she left dodge.
This is song is about an utter moron who expects anyone listening to sympathize with him for deliberately using his own house as a place to party and now it’s destroyed and is a mess. Which is his fault.
Wait, ¿what party? There’s no mention o’ a party in this song. The implication, specially with lines like “why’d she take both sets of keys”, is that his now-ex-girlfriend trashed the place before she left. I mean, that is an interesting interpolation: that the singer’s being vague ’bout what caused his place to be trashed & mentions the 1 thing his ex did, take the keys, to imply that she caused the rest, while leaving out the whole party angle. I can’t imagine someone whining for pity would choose to bring up a party going on. Also, since the singer can’t remember much, he probably did get plastered. I always took it that ’twas his alcoholism that caused her to leave, not a bitchin’ party going on.
This man (the narrator of the song) was not abused sexually or physically nor did he have any harm inflicted on him, he is some foolish frat guy who wants you to feel sorry for his stupidity.
¿Where the fuck did this come from? ¿Who’s implying this? ¿& how do we know nothing happened to him? He certainly wouldn’t know — he’s too drunk to remember anything.
But Nickelback fans are dumb enough to think Chad Kroeger wailing really pathetically (after being “manly” bragging about raping an inebriated woman in the song just before this one Figured You Out”, of course) means this song must about something serious.
Damn, this is the 1st Genius annotation I’ve read that just straight roasts the song ( & the previous song ) & the band. ¿Are there seriously Nickelback fans who think this song is ’bout a man who got date raped? ¿Why do I have a feeling this is a retort gainst some men’s rights activist using this song as a rallying cry gainst “those hoes” that I haven’t read?
I cannot be [sic] believe to this day, that I was told by someone on RYM who “demanded that Dark Horse in it’s entirety be played on the radio, because it was “so good” […]
You’re right, I can’t believe that, either: that album fucking sucks, & this is coming from someone saying nice things ’bout fucking The Long Road. That album, by the way, which probably ended Nickelback’s towering height after All the Right Reasons, is the 1 whose lead single was “Something In Your Mouth”, ’bout how someone would “look better with something in your mouth”. It, in fact, makes things come out o’ my mouth.
Obviously the person who told this is a serious “song”, also said that “Hip hop music and culture as whole supports and condones rape and is “degenerate” and also that everyone who oppose the genocide of Palestinians is a “angry muslim who is upset that “the gays” aren’t being hung”, so it’s not exactly coming from a very intelligent person.
( Laughs ). ¿What the fuck? God damn it, I can’t e’en ’scape people giving their ill-informed hot takes on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict in a Nickelback review?
And also this is the early 2000s we’re talking about, Korn got radio play despite graphic song lyrics and subject matters for their songs and they still got radio play. I bet this song wouldn’t even be censored, that is how easy it is for this song to get radio play.
I love how this “annotation” just completely goes off the rails from trying to ’splain the meaning o’ this song & just argues gainst some mysterious opinions from somewhere on the internet ’bout how this song isn’t too hot for the radio. Here’s an experiment for you: take these comments I made here for this review, but remove all the quotes o’ the review itself. Incomprehensible, ¿right? That’s how I feel reading the 1 side o’ this conversation.
If I may be devil’s advocate, I don’t think the song is advocating for viewing the protagonist as an innocent hero & the ex-girlfriend as a trifling ho: lines like, “a little trick I picked up from my father: in one ear and out the other”, imply that, in fact, the protagonist is to blame. It seems this reviewer, like a stereotypical /r/badreads candidate, cannot comprehend a protagonist who isn’t morally white by the composer’s morality.
I can’t believe I just wrote a multi-paragraph treatise on a fucking Nickelback song. Clearly this means that The Long Road is just as much a complex, woven tapestry as OK Computer & the heartbreak, sundering relationship, disarray, & chaos o’ this song represents the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
Grade: 🧐
9. Throw Yourself Away
So, I always thought this song was a hokey morality play ’bout someone who gets pregnant in high school. But reading the Genius annotation & reading the lyrics mo’ deeply, — something I ne’er thought I’d do for a Nickelback song, but here we are — it’s a hokey morality play ’bout a real-life event where a high school student… ¿gave birth in the bathroom during prom & throws the baby into the trash, for which she gets caught & sentenced for manslaughter? ¿What the fuck? This is such a rare, absurd situation, but Chad treats it with such straightfaced outrage that it’s ridiculous. ¿Was Chad’s hope to end this epidemic o’ throwing babies in prom trash cans? ¿Was he hoping that the baby-trasher would hear this song on the radio & feel such deep guilt that great rock gods Nickelback talks bad ’bout her? ¿What’s the point o’ this song? ¿Were there not mo’ pervasive problems in the world for which to write a protest song? This is a far fall from “Should’ve Listened”’s bold protest gainst Israel’s genocide o’ Palestinians — ¿or was it protesting the protests? I already forgot.
As for the song itself, it sounds like shit.
Grade: F
10. Another Hole in the Head
No, you can’t follow a song ’bout a high school student who gives birth in the bathroom during prom & throws the baby into the trash with a generic breakup song.
Like, uh… ( checks back ) “Feeling Way Too Damn Good”, I like the verses better than the chorus, with the jazzy notes @ the beginning, while the chorus is just generic riffing & shouting that isn’t all that loud.
Grade: C
11. See You At the Show
¿Is it me or has Nickelback been gradually transforming from a mediocre post-grunge rock band to an increasingly shitty country band as this album goes on? It starts with “Should’ve Listened”, with its hokey story o’ drunken breakups & Israeli genocide gainst Palestinians, & then culminates in this song, which is just fucking awful. The way this fucking Canadian drawls e’ery word in this sing-song fashion with this novelty-shop southern accent makes me want to puke. “Cotton-Eye Joe” has mo’ dignity to it. Also, the way he says “till we burn it down” always sounded like “till we’re in bunny town” to me as a kid, which I always thought was stupid, but is mo’ interesting than describing casual acts o’ terrorism.
Pro tip to album cover artists: don’t make your album cover depict the expression o’ someone who might hate your music; you’ll just open yourself up to mockery.
Breaking Benjamin, which is probably not a nu-metal band, but an alternative rock band inspired mo’ by The Smashing Pumpkins ( in fact, Billy Corgan worked with them on We Are Not Alone ) than Korn or Limp Bizkit, is not a band that people think ’bout much when thinking o’ cheesy 2000s bands, which is too bad, as they’ve got some amazing lyrics — & by amazing, I mean amazingly cheesy. They might be 1 o’ the most common sources for the weird Spanish titles or alternative titles I create for my poetry.
In line with this series’s duty to bring light to such 2000s meme fodder lost in dark obscurity, we will be taking a look @ what was, I think, their big breakthru album, We Are Not Alone. This was, a’least, the 1st album I heard from them, discovered where I discovered most o’ the early music I listened to, lost in a sea of ol’ CDs my mother had in a bunch o’ leather cases, & had the 2 songs I heard on the radio most from this band, “So Cold” & “Sooner or Later” ( I think “Phobia”, which came later, & honestly is probably a better album, was bigger, & I’m almost certain “The Diary of Jane” is their biggest song ). But most importantly, I picked it ’cause it has the most memorably cheesy lyrics, which is what matters most in this series.
1. So Cold
I believe this was the biggest song on this album, played in a bunch o’ Halo games or commercials or something. It also received a remix with some woman I’ve ne’er heard o’ without the singer’s input that pissed him off & caused him to fire the rest o’ the band. Thinking ’bout it, it’s odd that the lead singer’s gainst that kind o’ butchery, but fine with this deep, brooding song playing in a shoot-shoot video game.
As a kid, I ne’er understood the hype, but that’s just ’cause it’s a slower song. I’ve come to appreciate its dirginess better. I mean, I can’t deny that the slow opening is memorable. Also, it seems like they put mo’ effort into the lyrics. “In this land of make-believe, dead and dry” isn’t Leonard Cohen, but it’s better than the vague lefto’ers found on the tail-end o’ this album.
Apparently this song was inspired by a movie.
Grade: B
2. Simple Design
Here we have some memetic lyrics:
YOU MUST BE OUT OF YOUR MIND THIS WAS A SIMPLE DESIGN YOU FUCK IT UP EVERY TIME ¿HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME BEHIND?
Yes, it’s shouted like that.
The rest o’ the lyrics aren’t any saner. Look @ the 1st verse:
i live a chemical life i’m on a mission to try you went insane for the day i’ll have to shove it away my only option is gone smile as they break and they fall you want a simpler life you can’t erase what was mine
According to Genius this song’s ’bout Ben trying to get his ex to understand & accept that he cares mo’ ’bout himself & his band than her. That’s not a new sentiment — I believe Led Zeppelin had a song ’bout choosing music o’er one’s lover — but worded this way is just hilarious & makes the song e’en funnier.
Grade: A
3. Follow
( Featured here is the “radio edit”, so our Christian grandmothers lets us listen to it ).
I still have no idea what “I don’t know why you lie so clean” ( which I always interpreted as “laugh so clean”, which I actually think would be a better line ) means, but I love the way Ben pronounces “clean”, putting his whole throat into it.
Genius gives no greater explanation than that Billy Corgan o’ The Smashing Pumpkins co-wrote this song. That actually ’splains a lot.
Grade: B
4. Firefly
Like Papa Roach’s “Revenge”, it’s criminal that this song has no memes ’bout it. Imagine an angsty, loud nu-metal song with a deep, scraggly voice shouting:
FUCK YOU, FIREFLY ¿HAVE YOU LOST YOUR LIGHT? NOW I HATE YOUR WAYS ‘CAUSE THEY’RE JUST LIKE MINE SO YOU LOST, MY FRIEND SUCH A SORRY END AND I DON’T KNOW WHY SO I CHOKE AND SMILE
I also love the lines:
bring me your enemies lay them before me & walk away
I don’t care what Ben says: I’ve decided this song is ’bout the singer sacrificing people to a giant daemonic firefly. Such are the vile powers “Death o’ the Author” gives me.
The best part is that this song was apparently used in wrestling video games. I can only imagine the bathos o’ watching some beefy wrestler storm out the stage while a song blasts ’bout fucking fireflies.
Grade: S
5. Break My Fall
You almost think this is a normal Evanescence song till the bridge when you hear these weird intercom voices say, “MAY DAY, MAY DAY, WE’RE IN DANGER OF CRASHING” before we’re back to the solemn guitars & sad, soulful singing.
Also, tho the line makes sense in the context o’ the song, I love the line, “I will clean your fuckin’ mess”, said with just the amount o’ bitterness you’d expect. “All right, I’ll clean the milk you spilt, you lazy asshole”. ¿Why have I not used that line yet?
Grade: C
6. Forget It
I already did.
I’m genuinely shocked that this o’ all songs was a single. Most o’ this song is meh, specially the chorus which is just repeating “Forget it”. Granted, I do like the pre-chorus with its grand philosophical question: “¿how can I believe when this cloud hangs over me?”. ¿Belief in what? ¿God? “I can’t believe in God if I can’t see them, & I can’t see them with this dumbass cloud in their way”.
It’s very cool – both structurally and melodically. It’s subtle, but listen closely and you’ll hear the song move up a half-step every verse and chorus. As a vocalist, that’s really challenging because it forces me to sing in a different key every time. It’s definitely unusual, and had it not been for Billy, I probably never would’ve tried something like that.
¿Did this cracker just do the whole Noel Gallagher “I’m a fockin’ genius ’cause I did a key change, wanka”?
Grade: C
7. Sooner or Later
This song, which I knew was a single, since I’d heard it on the radio, has a music video, but the only 1 I could find on YouTube looks like a blurry mess & will probably be taken down someday, so I didn’t bother.
I made the mistake o’ looking @ the lyrics, — something I’ve ne’er done in the years I’ve listened to this album — as apparently what I always heard as “I am a lava-hater”, which I ne’er understood, is “I am a lover-hater”, which… I actually understand e’en less. Fuck that: Ben hates lava, it’s canon.
I tell e’eryone my personal mantra is “just call my name, you’ll be ok / your scream is burning thru my veins” & they look @ me & put me in an insane asylum where I belong.
Also: “sooner or later, you’re gonna hate it / go ahead & throw your life away”. I also love the way he rolls his R’s when saying “drrivin’ me under”.
Man, these Genius annotations are a bizarre whiplash, trying to interpret these songs as being a multilayered tapestry, which seems positive, but then casually throwing in stuff that e’en I think are a bit too low, like, “we all know that ben is alcoholic”, which was probably intended to sound far less insulting than it came ’cross. Dude, the guy got a serious disease from it. Also, I’m pretty certain he went clean, so it’s not e’en accurate.
I legitimately love the menacing bass lines seeming to bubble under the verses. I think that was 1 o’ the 1st legit critiques I’ve given to these songs.
Grade: A
8. Breakdown
Mo’ amazing meme lyrics:
WHAT I FOUND IN THIS TOWN I’M HEADED FOR A BREAKDOWN ¡NOOOOOOOO!
Also love the line that introduces it:
’CAUSE I FEEL YOU CREEPIN’ IN…
The odd piano notes @ the beginning, followed by an awkward pause, & then sudden loud rock, only adds to the unhinged energy.
Breakdown is about a relationship that has fallen and ended and the other wants to keep it up but the other person keeps moving away from that idea, making you feel like you about to have a breakdown in all the madness thats happening.
I feel like I’m having a breakdown trying to decipher this annotation.
Grade: S
9. Away
I was going to say I usually drop off the album @ this point, but ’pon listening thru this song ’gain it came back to me from some dormant decades-ol’ memory. It’s a nice song, I guess, but that’s probably just that pleasant nostalgic feeling o’ re-encountering an ol’ song you forgot. I kind o’ like the chrous melody, but the verses are boring.
Also, ¿“only God could save you / if you knew your way to the light”? ¿Was Breaking Benjamin a Christian rock band this whole time? ¡This isn’t the Thousand Foot Krutch ( yes, that’s a real rock band ) or Skillet episode!
Grade: C
10. Believe
O, yeah, I remember this song, too. The chorus is just Ben shouting from ’hind his hands like he’s pretending to be a military commander, with the line, “shut up, smart little bitch”, which is probably the closest Breaking Benjamin has come to sounding like a nu-metal band. I do kind o’ like the bass-heavy “DOW DOW DOW-DOW DOW DOW DOW-DOW-DOW” @ the beginning & end. I guess it’s kind o’ a banger, but not very memorable beyond the weird shouting chorus.
Believe is about a person who is self devoted and only cares about themselves and is always hostile and aggressive towards the other and doesn’t care about the other and kinda hates them a good bit.
I love this long Biblical parataxis ’bout being “always hostile” toward someone else, but then ending with the understatement, “and kinda hates them a good bit”. Yeah, that’s how I’d describe someone who is always hostile & aggressive & doesn’t care ’bout “the other”.
Grade: C
11. Rain
( Serious, whoe’er is running the official Breaking Benjamin YouTube channel, upload these music videos already so I don’t have to rely on videos with the resolution o’ a GBA game uploaded by “bassroxpunkrock” ).
Long before recent hood classics like “ABCDEFU” & “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Bitch”, Breaking Benjamin made a song whose chorus literally starts with “rain, rain, go away, come again another day”. As someone firmly in the pro-rain camp, I could not disagree mo’. Apparently these lyrics & the bland acoustic strumming with some weird water dribbling sounds lightly in the background required the assistance o’ Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan.
According to YouTube music, there was an “Alternate Single Version”, which is called “Rain (2005)” by the official YouTube channel, & which has some distracting electronic notes in the background, but better, mo’ forceful singing, specially the final chorus, which is built up with a bunch o’ drums. Honestly, that ending ’lone bumped this up to a C, where it otherwise would’ve been a D.
If I may be so arrogant to say so, I have done a great job o’ destroying my credibility o’er the last decade with my hot takes on video games, like my criticism o’ Ocarina of Time & Super Mario Galaxy; or my hot takes on literature, like my criticism o’ To Kill a Mockingbird & 1984; but in this whole decade I’m surprised I’ve spared you all from my spicy takes on music, despite the fact that I don’t go hardly a minute without wearing headphones — & I mean real music, not nerdy shit like the music from the SimCity games. This is specially great, since unlike video games, which I’ve actually practiced making ( still working on that game, by the way ) or obsessively analyzed level design, or literature, which I’ve been writing for a decade, too, I have no understanding o’ music, beyond some crappy MIDI I made almost a decade ago.
Like all moomers, which is what I shall call millennials from now on till the next millennium, my artistic tastes have been permanently crippled by having grown up in the wasteland o’ the noughties — called that way ’cause the cultural value the 1st decade o’ the 2000s had was naught. This was the era o’ GameCube & nu-metal, banging my head to “One Step Closer” while fighting Captain Falcon in Mushroom Kingdom II ( which was really Sub-Con ). Now, I’ve written ’nough ’bout crappy GameCube games that I loved as a kid, like Super Mario Sunshine; but the only glimpses I have given to the mysterious underbelly o’ nu-metal are lyrics quoted in the titles o’ my poems.
I have started with our good friends Papa Roach not ’cause their name is ridiculously better than their music, but ’cause in my youth they were actually somehow my 2nd favorite band o’ all time, right below Linkin Park & right ’bove Three Days Grace. Now, long before e’eryone jumped the bandwagon o’ praising Linkin Park after their lead singer Kurt-Cobained himself, I was already defending them, & we’re still waiting for the rest o’ the world to wise up & come to appreciate the amazing vocals o’ Three Days Grace’s former vocalist Adam Gontier; but Papa Roach is a band that hasn’t aged so well — & in fact, were probably not all that good to begin with.
’Course, we will be looking @ their 1st big album ( they had a few EPs & obscure releases before, but hardly anyone knows ’bout them, so we can ignore them for now ), Infest. This was, actually, the only truly nu-metal album they made, as they saw the mold begin to sprout relatively quickly & packed their bags for hard rock, & then whate’er trends were current on their following albums. I think their latest album is trying to sound like Imagine Dragons, which is the smartest idea, since Imagine Dragons are such a beloved band & their sound won’t e’er go out o’ style.
1. Infest
This song introduces the band with the line “¡viva la cucaracha!” ( “¡long live the roach!” ), which is fine ’nough, but then then follows that with the Shakespearean lines, “my name’s Coby Dick / Mr. Dick, if you’re nasty”. See, ’cause “dick” also means “pee-pee”. ( Now that I think ’bout it, considering Shakespeare wrote lines like, “these be her very Cs, her U’s and her T’s and thus makes she her great P’s”, maybe it isn’t that far off from being Shakespearean… ).
The lyrics in general are a mangled mix o’ attempted vague social commentary. For instance, we got takes gainst the lame-pee media & the big governmentwith the chorus: “What is wrong with the world today / The government, the media, or your family?”, while the 3rd verse talks ’bout being “shackled to your feet” & “beaten like meat” & how “people are the problem today”. The problem for what is unspecified. ¿Problem for people? ¿What’s the solution, kill all people, to help the people? I’m clearly thinking ’bout this mo’ than the lyricists did.
I actually still like the grimy guitar during the pre-chorus, but the vocals sound surprisingly weak compared to later songs. Señor Dick doesn’t sound all that enthusiastic ’bout all this infesting he’s doing ( save for the parts where he screams it — in the background, ironically ), singing, “We’re going to infest / We’re getting in your head” almost in monotone.
For some reason I really liked this song as a kid & in fact put it on some top 10 list I had to make for school that I only hope has been lost fore’er. Now I feel it had potential to fit the scuzzy aesthetic that Papa Roach was going for, but fails to meet that potential, & o’ all the songs on this album sounds the most like a joke novelty song that isn’t really funny.
Grade: D
2. Last Resort
The big meme song, where Coby states in robotic monotone how he wants to commit suicide, with the music video taking place in a wrestling ring o’ all places. I guess, to be fair, considering all the pain & suffering wrestlers probably endure ’hind the limelight from all the bruises they get while performing probably does lead a lot o’ wrestlers to feel depressed, but it still leaves an odd tone here.
It may be shocking to know that as a kid I ne’er really liked this song & was baffled as to why this o’ all songs would be chosen as the hit single. Cheesy, stupid lyrics I could vibe with, specially if it had loud yelling & banger music, but this song was just monotone announcing this dour topic as if ’twere a thesis paper & also had generic “DUH-NUH NUH-NUH, NUH-NUH NUH-NUH” riffs that ne’er stood out to me.
Grade: D
3. Broken Home
I’ve also ne’er loved ballads, & this is basically the ballad to this album. This was ’nother song I ne’er felt belonged as a single as a kid, but I still preferred it o’er “Last Resort”, & I would actually say out o’ all songs on this album, I think my opinion has, if anything, improved on this mo’ than on any o’ the others, & I think I understand better why this was a single ( in fact, knowing mo’ now ’bout how much bands have softer, poppier songs as singles for wider appeal, I can definitely understand why this was a single ). For 1, none o’ the lyrics stand out as cheesy or dumb, with maybe the exception o’, “Stories that I tell are non-fiction”, which struggles to fit the song’s meter. Granted, the lyrics aren’t particularly inspired, either; — specially lines like “Pain bottled up about to blow like a gun”.
But the music has also grown on me, which, fittingly, is mo’ subdued than the chug-chugs o’ the rest o’ the album. I kind o’ like the weird BWOW, BWOW, BWOW, BWOW… riffs thruout the song, specially the surprising urgency to the song, which is rare for ballads, which always have to be slow & boring. I also love those sick ol’-school rap whispers — I don’t know what they’re called — in the background repeating “push it back inside”. Actually I still don’t know how this weird-ass song became a single. I think all the weird-ass 1-hit-wonders from the 90s prepared people to accept whate’er nonsense on the radio.
Grade: B
4. Dead Cell
I actually still like this song. It’s a certified™ banger & is what the rest o’ the album should’ve been, with those grimy riffs & vague lyrics talking ’bout sickness & bombs:
born with no soul, lack of control cut from the mold of the anti-social plug ’em in & then turn ’em on process the data, make yourself the bomb
¿What are these lyrics e’en talking ’bout? ¿Who cares? Spooky cockroach man raps ’bout bombs & computers.
Plus, miraculously, Jacoby actually sounds like he has a flow & has energy to his rapping & singing, which, considering the earlier songs, is quite a whiplash.
Grade: A
5. Between Angels & Insects
¿This song was a single? ¿Really? They definitely put a lot o’ care into this music video, with its arbitrary zoom-ins to peoples’ faces & random stuff, only to then take a break to show people spitting up water for some reason.
This song has nothing to do with angels or insects, but is a bougie anthem gainst money & how Jacoby “doesn’t need that shit”, which any socialist knows is false: in a capitalist society e’eryone needs money to live ( Papa Roach weren’t giving this shit ’way for free, after all ), which is why money needs to be redistributed to ameliorate the suffering o’ poverty. The idea that the problems with money come from people choosing to become obsessed with money is an idea that only people well-off ’nough to ne’er worry ’bout being too destitute, — for whom it’s not a question o’ destitution vs. sufficiency, but a question o’ sufficiency vs. excess, — could take seriously. Thank you all for listening to my Marxist analysis o’ Papa Roach.
In contrast to “Dead Cell”, Jacoby’s flow falls ’gain, & the cool, imagery-ladden lyrics full o’ malaria-vomiting barriers is replaced by stiltedly-rapped broad lyrics that millions have already written by then:
you’re a slave to the system working jobs that you hate for that shit you don’t need It’s too bad the world is based on greed
Still, I kind o’ like that distorted guitar in the background, as cheesy as it is. I take back what I said: this is the ballad o’ this album.
Grade: C
6. Blood Brothers
Here we have a song so shitty Papa Roach replaced it on the clean version o’ the album with a song that had mo’ profanity in it ( that is also a much better song — honestly, having relistened to it, too, it’s better than most o’ the songs on this album, which makes me wonder why ’twas left out ). I outright hated this song as a kid & my opinion hasn’t softened since. You can’t save a song that starts with the lyrics, “watch your back, ’cause the next man is comin’ / & you don’t know if the next man is dumbin’”. I shit you not, those are actually the lyrics, & e’en a young me who ate up lyrics like “Mr. Dick if you’re nasty” & the kind o’ lyrics Disturbed in the House We’re Droppin’ Plates was writing on The Sickness was confounded.
E’en the music sucks, with those annoying squeaky guitar riffs that sound like broken, bootleg Rage Against the Machine & those clacky, weak drums. & the chorus, what should be the catchiest part o’ a song, is just saying broad, vague, empty nothings like a robot, repeating o’er & o’er, “It’s in our nature to kill”… I think that, too, is s’posed to be RATM, but RATM actually chose memorable slogans. There’s a reason people quote “Some of those who work forces are the same who burn crosses” the millionth time a black kid is murdered by a cop & not vague shit like “It’s in our nature to kill”.
Worse, ’cept the 1st 2 lyrics, this song isn’t e’en funny bad, just boring. ¡Next!
Grade: F
7. Revenge
¡Here we go! Now here’s a song that’s funny bad. It is criminal that this song doesn’t have memes ’bout it. I would almost go far as to say that it’s this song ’lone that inspired me to write this article.
Take a serious subject like domestic abuse & absolutely fill it with bathos-injected lyrics struggling to fit the meter like…
beat his ass with a bat, face sunk like silly putty you all can sit back so I can study destruction of the family design and how the morals of society decline essentially is beats to rhymes, like grapes to wine
or…
while the drama gets deeper I puff on the reefer she took the last step and sent his ass to the reaper
Which always made me feel as if the narrator is in the background just smoking blunts while this is going on.
But this song becomes amazing during the 3rd verse, when it drops into an insane rant wherein our domestic abuse victim, who has, as the song says, gotten revenge on her abuser, s’posedly goes “too far” & becomes Godzilla:
kill it, before it reaches you missiles won’t work it’s approaching the mainland what if it reaches the metropolitan areas, cosmopolitan areas secure the lines and prepare for departure calm, calm, calm it is a, a big business & seems to be advancing underground because my style is underground i’m green with my red eyes mad tint flee, fly, flow, ¡rápido! ¡rápido! she feeds plentiful, electrifying the nation, electrifying the nation
Just reading the lyrics aren’t sufficient to appreciating them; you have to listen to this & hear Jacoby’s legendarily hammy rapping.
Jacoby then starts shouting, “¡SHOCKA! ¡DANGA DANGA!”, before having to audacity to try returning to the basic-ass chorus, “it’s alright, we’re in love / can’t live with or without”, as if anyone cares ’bout that anymo’.
This song also has a generic, but booming bass. I love how this song starts with a DUH, DUH DUH…, like it knew it’s announcing something crazy.
Grade: S
8. Snakes
Papa Roach follows that masterpiece with what might be 1 o’ the goofiest rap songs from a nu-metal band in a genre full o’ goofy rap songs. After we start with some militaristic riffs we get some tough lyrics ’bout the hood life:
i got a problem with the snakes that are crawling thru my area when the darkness has fallen & mama told me that they love to bite they stab you in the back no shame that’s right ¿what? ¿what?
What I love most is that Jacoby ends both verses with:
1 for your money 2 for your girl 3 for your life now, i fucked up your world
Like “1 for your money, 2 for your girl” is what a nerd would think sounds tough.
I almost want to just quote all the lyrics, ’cause they’re all gold.
’Nother highlight is in the bridge when Jacoby metal screams “¡what the fuck is up?”. I think e’en back then I thought this was a parody o’ rap rock.
We also get some sick record scratching in the back while some rapper goes “WHAT WHAT WHA-WHAT”, aw yeah, G dogg skillet I FEEL LIKE A MONSTER, we disturbed in the house droppin’ plates ( that’s actually the goofiest nu-metal rap song ).
Grade: A
9. Never Enough
Sadly, after the high point that was “Revenge” & “Snakes”, we get some snoozers. These are songs I didn’t so much as hate as forget as a kid, oft skipping them on playthrus. This song in particular is the blandest o’ songs in this album, with lyrics so vague e’en Genius says, “This song’s meaning is difficult to discern”, but guesses that it has something to do with “the numbing nature of Corporate America”. I don’t hear that @ all, but OK. It just seems like a generic song ’bout being depressed.
I mean, look @ this chorus:
never enough never enough ¿do i deserve what i got?
That had to be a 1st draft.
Grade: D
10. Binge
This is a li’l better, with those weird deep riffs that sound like they’re hungo’er & coming out o’ a greasy liquor bottle themselves. The singing also sounds hungo’er, mixing straightforward lyrics that leave nothing to interpretation with an unenthusiastic delivery. In essence, this song is as dreary to listen to as it is dreary being hungo’er. In particularly, the repeated, “I am on a binge” is both completely lacking in any catchy value & sounds ridiculous for anyone to just state outright. I don’t know if you noticed this, but Papa Roach were not much for subtlety.
Grade: C
11. Thrown Away
Like “Dead Cell”, I actually still like this song, e’en with goofy-ass lyrics, like “he’s born sick, nothing in his hands but his dick / he couldn’t handle pressure, he couldn’t handle shit” ( actually, I think the lyric I actually disliked the most was “unclear like gray”, which is clearly just padding out the meter ), & the kind o’ lyrical-spherical stuff that has made white rappers a punch line ’gain are enjoyable, since a’least they have color to them & Jacoby’s rapping has intensity & flow. It’s bizarre how the lyrics & rapping zigzag from the extremes o’ pretty decent & full o’ imagery to the vaguest, broadest, most stilted performance e’er. ¿Am I crazy for noticing a sharp contrast in quality ’tween these 2 songs & most o’ the other songs? Specially when these songs got the least attention.
& when the song does get monotone & repetitious, it actually fits the song, as it makes Jacoby sound insane, specially when he starts breaking out into screaming ’gain, finishing off with, “¡LAST REMAIN!” or “¡THEY’RE SCREAMING!”, or whate’er the fuck he’s saying.
Grade: A
BONUS: Tight Rope
Like many early 2000s albums, this album had a super secret track @ the end o’ the final track ( hence why it’s in the title o’ the video ’bove ). It’s a much calmer song, almost reggae — albeit the whitest reggae in the world. The lyrics are mo’ nihilistic social commentary ’bout how corrupt the world s’posedly is. I always found it a palate cleanser as a kid, but ne’er thought o’ it much. I still don’t know what to think ’bout it & don’t want to write anymo’ ’bout it.
