The Mezunian

Die Positivität ist das Opium des Volkes, aber der Spott ist das Opium der Verrückten

Web Designers Shitting Themselves

I think the average citizen would make a better web designer than a lot o’ so-called professional web designers simply ’cause they don’t try the excessive nonsense that web designers do & nobody else would e’en think to do ’cause it’s so insane. It’s the equivalent o’ someone bragging ’bout how amazing they look & then suddenly shitting all o’er their pants; they expect users to marvel @ their prowess, but ’stead we turn up our noses & cringe. Ugh. It’s the power glove o’ web design: ’stead o playing a perfectly good but “drab” controller, you fuck round with a glove like a jackass.

Take login forms. A novice who just learned HTML from 1 o’ the millions o’ O’Reilly books out there would create a basic form that would load to a basic “¡You’ve logged in, Jim!” page. Boring & less than 1% accurate in regards to the user’s name, but operable.

Now, let me tell you ’bout the login page o’ some website that shall go unnamed, like Voldemort. ’Stead o’ using a basic page, it uses a custom window made with a div & CSS magic.1 & since this is a div, it has no scroll bar; if you use the actual window’s scroll bar, the div will simply stay in place while the website you can faintly see ’hind it scrolls ’cause the div uses a fixed position. Now, ¿what happens when a vital element — say, the confirmation button — is off-screen? The answer is that you’re fucked; you can’t use the form. I e’en tried pressing Enter or highlighting with my mouse downward. Nothing worked. I’ll tell you what I did do: give up with disgust @ the scent o’ the designer’s feces-filled drawers.

I could try to give mo’ examples, but thankfully my mind’s blocked them out like traumatizing moments. I do remember 1 website long ago that was s’posed to help teach me web design & had the brilliant idea to have the navigation bar’s text rotated 90° so that you had to crane your neck just to see it. I still don’t e’en know how they did that, much less what made them think ’twas a good idea.

Here’s a common example from others who have seen this problem themselves, albeit 1 that’s rarer & a bit hyperbolic: magic JavaScript links. ¿Who needs boring ol’ anchor tags with their lame-ass semantics & SEO advantages when we can waste memory & bandwidth to load some JavaShit that does the same thing?

To be fair, many designers in general do this. It’s why my laptop mouse randomly clicks things when I move it ’cause the genius designers wanted to show off their awesome ability to click when you lightly tap the mouse pad ’stead o’ using the click button just below it — you know, what you do every time to put your finger on the pad so you can move it @ all. They were wrong: they didn’t prove themselves to be awesome; they simply shit their pants in front o’ everyone. It’s the same reason many DS games, including the otherwise awesome Wario: Master of Disguise & the always not-awesome Diddy Kong Racing DS2, were made mo’ frustrating by the MIC, whose mood swings determine whether your heavy blowing for minutes straight into it does anything or not. ’Gain, the designers thought they were being brilliant making something that easily could’ve been controlled by a simple button use some new control; ’stead they made the Power Glove 2.0. & they shit their pants in front o’ us all & made us all look ’way in shame.

¿Is that what you want, designers? ¿To watch so many people look @ you in disgust while feces slides down your pant legs all o’er your shoes? Then don’t do all this fancy shit. Just make the shit work intuitively & call it a day. As Vincent Flanders said, “Nobody e’er complained that a site worked too well”.

& for god’s sake, ’nough with the arbitrary rules for filling out forms. I must’ve wasted half an hour waiting for a page to load so it could tell me there was an error ’cause some jackass web designer arbitrarily decided that commas weren’t valid characters for a superfluous catch phrase they forced me to create or that it must be within some narrow range o’ characters. Said designer probably thought they were clever figuring out all o’ the code to create these limits & this wacky new security measure. They weren’t. They only wasted my time having to clean up all o’ the excrement they sprayed all o’er my walls.

I also loved the government site that had a quite low ( my 1st name barely fit, & it’s not that long ) character limit for names. Presumably this is purely to satisfy the nostalgia in fans o’ ol’ NES RPGs, since I can’t imagine their servers being so weak that they can’t handle strings with mo’ than a dozen characters — ¡you might as well ask them to host your MP4s, man! ¿What happens if you’re real name is too long? You’re fucked, that’s what. Better shell out the money to legally change your name just so you can pay your debts. You don’t want creditors calling you & having to respond with, “Sorry I couldn’t pay today; my name doesn’t fit in your website. I tried to pretend my name was ’Sebast,’ as I always named Cecil back in 1992, but then I was put in prison for not mo’ than 5 years”.

Posted in Web Design

“HTML5 Games” Is a Stupid Term

There. I said it. Bring on the hate, mannnnnn.

“¿What the fuck are ‘HTML5 games’? I don’t want to hear you talk ’bout that shit—go back to talking ’bout Game Boy Advance games & writing Spanish haikus ’bout suicidal moons.”

Fuck you, reader. Don’t tell me how I do what I do. Nobody gets to.

HTML5 games are JavaScript games. The vast majority o’ programming is done in JavaScript. HTML5 just contributes the canvas tag. Big whoop. Calling those “HTML5” games is like calling 3DS Games “LCD” games ’cause that’s what the screen’s made o’. That’s like calling Flash games “HTML” games, ’cause the vast majority o’ Flash games are played on HTML websites.

Look @ these dipshits @ “Tutorialzine”:

30 Amazing Games Made Only With HTML5

Damn. That is impressive.

O, wait:

HexGL is a futuristic, fast-paced racing game built on HTML5, JavaScript and WebGL. [emphasis mine].

Huh. I must’ve forgotten how English works, ’cause I’m pretty fucking sure “only” means “not including fucking JavaScript & WebGL, you fuckers.”

& unlike laissy libertarians—god, ¿remember when they were still a thing?—I looked this shit up in a dictionary:

Posted in Programming, Web Design

Once Careerealism Loses 4096 HP It Becomes Work It Daily

It turns out The Mezunian isn’t the only long-venerable institution to put on a fresh blanket o’ paint: finally that genius CEO with her decoder rings took my advice & changed her obnoxious half-pun website name to a catchier, hippin’-&-hoppin’ slangtang boomerang that all you kids in the dishes be shootin’ out your grins, & which is closer to its true subject matter: prostitution. Also, it’s a syllable ’way from sounding like a socialist rag—that’s cool, too.

Despite this, most o’ their articles still have “CAREEREALISM” in the top bar, since changing that would actually take effort.

& now their website has double the 2.0 Blandness & double the membership scams. Or maybe they always had that, & I just forgot, since most o’ their content has always been buried under 2.0 Blandness. Glad to see that web “professionals” still can’t be arsed to organize their shit into anything halfway coherent.

But they still have their #’d list articles, talking ’bout the same 5 topics they’ve been talking ’bout for years; & they still have clownishly exaggerated photos, such as this article’s image o’ a reader’s reaction ’pon 1st reading this site, which has tragically been ruined by the artist’s nephew scribbling on it with their half-transparent white crayon ‘gain.

I checked out this article ’bout tips for “Shy Networkers”—a topic they’ve ne’er written ’bout before—with a picture o’ a derp-face wondering when he could finally finish this photo & play his video games, mom. Lemme guess: the tips are all, “Don’t be shy.” Believe it or not, that’s giving this writer too much credit: after blabbing on for paragraphs ’bout their own bullshit I don’t care ’bout, they give 1 tip that’s essentially, “Don’t be shy,” & 4 that have nothing to do with shyness. I could’ve just written the sentence, “Stop being a crybaby,” & it would’ve been a better article than all 800+ words. That’s ’bout 80 Bashō haiku I could be reading ’stead.

Also, if you guys truly expect me to believe your rebranding is mo’ professional, I expect you guys to have better standards in your advertisements:

’Less you believe those conspiracy theories ’bout the electoral college, I think it’s too late for photo shoot o’ inebriated Hairpiece holding his arm round the stomach o’ bland bad actor in the least believable way possible is going to hurt Hairpiece’s chances o’ election. Just look @ his face: “Euughhh… ¿Are we done yet? ¡I want my cookies!” Still, we have to give Hairpiece credit for being a good ’nough sport to do a reenactment o’ the times he actually groped someone, & didn’t awkwardly hold his arm near someone for long ’nough for someone to take a clear photo.

& as for “10 Tips for People Who Hate Networking,” I can write a better sentence than that whole article, too: “Suck it up.” You guys oughta save your money & just hire me; then you can spend mo’ time making your redundant post pictures not look like you’re trying to film a Disney preteen movie, with bland white heroin going, “BEEP BOOP. THIS IS HOW THE FLESH HUMANS DEPICT BOREDOM & A GENERAL LACK O’ FULFILLMENT, ¿IS THAT ACCURATE?” While 4 decapitated crotches stand round ’hind her. ¡What great framing!

Do you associate networking with shameless self-promotion and ‘more = more’?

I mo’ associated this website with the former, whereas I associated the latter mo’ with the “Reflexive Property of Mathematics.”

Man, fuck this inane tripe: I’m mo’ interested in the strange political ads they have:

We have the e’en less believable photo o’ Hilary & Bill Clinton actually romantic toward each other, Robobama’s face malfunctioning, & Hairpiece squeezing his face gainst some random woman—or, as the ad claims, “Our Country’s Most Powerful.” Nope: till I see that picture replaced by Hairpiece smooching some fat, pasty-faced businessman Marrymore-style, I’m calling “false advertisement.” This ain’t working for me, Work It, Daily.

But ’cause I’m so generous to do so much o’ your work for you1, I’ll let my amazing Photoshop GIMP skills amend this:

(Well, close ’nough, a’least. ¿Did Hairpiece get any support from anyone powerful? It seems e’en they all didn’t want to waste their money on his nonsense.)

Anyway, I’ll just leave you all with that lovely image in your head.

Posted in Web Design

1st Web Designer Straight Trollin’ Me (feat. Marketslide—¡Wheeee!)

Comprehensive Beginner Guide to Choosing a Web Host

O, fun. I can already guess what I’m going to get from this: those luscious affiliate links. Since every host review on the planet has affiliate links—e’en those that criticize corrupt web host reviews, ironically—I can only imagine that a website as corrupt as 1st Web Designer’s jumping into the money bag, too. Well, let’s dive in like Scrooge…

In fact, I’m just going to skim ’head, just to… Wait, ¿What?

Things You should NOT Consider when Choosing a Web Host

Phh, “Listen to 1st Web Designer,” ¿amirite?

No. That’s not a word. I’m sick o’ your linguistic blasphemy.

Read Reviews Online Using Google Search

¿Huh? Mmm… Well, on 1 hand, it’s a bit hypocritical, considering how many times I see 1st Web Designer litter my Google searches. But, it’s not bad advice.

Yes, all of those links are affiliates, wherein each sale pays a small fee to the recommending site. Drupal.org is just one example – all across the internet, hosting reviews are all about affiliate links. This is why certain firms score well in hosting reviews (owing to heavy affiliate commission), but fare badly in overall user service.

Huh. Well, I can only wait breathlessly for the ironic—

Yes, that’s right. While the allure of earning big bucks by getting others to click on links is tempting, we have ensured that this article is totally unbiased – this article does not contain affiliate links because we know and appreciate the importance of a proper web host.

(Scours page for hours. Can’t find any affiliate links.)

All right, 1st Web Designer: you’ve got me. After your vaguely corrupt recommendation for “CONVERTING” websites, wherein one just cobbles together whatever free shit one can find online when “making” sites for clients, rather than actually doing your job, you’re the only site that talks ’bout web host recommendations that doesn’t take affiliate links.

&, ¿what the fuck? I just noticed: this article not only talks ’bout what the title promises, it starts talking ’bout the topic immediately & doesn’t stray into irrelevant topics for mo’ than half o’ the article.

There’s only 1 explanation: 1st Web Designer made this article just to screw with me. They know I’m making fun o’ their articles & wrote a competent article just to make me look stupid. Get out o’ my monitor.

O well, I’m sure their advice is dumb, anyway.

Everyone knows what shared hosting is, VPS, and reseller hosting packages.

If this article weren’t given the same mysterious author o’ “Editorial Team” as all the other articles, I’d insist that this article must be written by somebody other than the person who thought Photoshop was a programming language. Nope. That’s some knowledge dissonance.

E’en mo’ hilarious, I looked up that link & found that it goes to a completely different page—1 with a title that actually indicates what they’re talking ’bout, & which is, in general, actually competent. Granted, its info is rather vague, & it still has dumb images, including some dumb meme pic; but compared to the original, this is like Sonichu to Gunnerkrigg Court. Way to ruin my fun.

On the other hand, a’least some o’ the info they gave was rather insightful: I had no idea till now that US Speaker o’ the House moonlighted as 1 o’ Marketslide’s (¡Wheeee!) founders. ¿Or is that Paul Xavier? Either that guy’s worried that he might hurt his company by being linked to whatever controversy might be involved in political issues or he just likes to consider himself to be a renegade angel. That’s OK, their company name can’t seem to make up its mind, either: while most o’ the site calls it “Marketslide,” (¡Wheeee!) the title bar @ the top says “Market Slide.”

Speaking o’ which, I can’t tell what they’re selling, since I’m only Level 2 in my Buzzwordese classes, I can only assume by their header @ the top that they sell gorgeous sunset mountains.

Just in case you don’t, simply do a Google search!

O, yeah, we were reviewing an article.

I do have to bicker ’bout this, though: in the time it took you to type that, you could’ve quickly found some links to Wikipedia & put them there. I find it hard to believe that someone could find this article, but not figure out how to search for something on Google, ’specially since Google is most likely how they found this article in the 1st place. (1st Web Designer certainly seems to be aiming its content toward SEO.)

(Yawn.) In general, this article has competent info: it talks ’bout the gotchas you need to watch out for, such as “unlimited” bandwidth & disk space; it talks ’bout the importance o’ what one plans to do with one’s website, such as how big it’ll be, & how that affects what choice is best; & talks ’bout CDNs.

Also, ¿what’s up with “v/s” used when talking ’bout bandwidth & disk space? ¿What was wrong with “vs.”? ¿What kind o’ weirdo just randomly spells words ’nother way & uses strange punctuation like that?

Posted in Web Design, Yuppy Tripe

Let’s Celebrate the New Year with Mo’ Shitty Tutorials by 1st Web Designer

Fucking 1st Web Designer—Just Fucking 1st Web Designer.

What I love most ’bout this recent article wherein they give terrible advice, as always, is how every time I reread it, I keep finding new problems. It’s like the James Joyce’s Ulysses o’ shittiness: you need supplementary material to get it all.

Like, for instance, it took me a while to realize that this article’s very title, “How to Make Website Responsive in About 15 Minutes,” in addition to being a bald-faced lie ’bout what it can promise (as always) is written as if said by a caveman.

@ the beginning o’ the article is a list o’ points ’bout this article, such as how long it should take, how hard it should be, what minimal skills should be, &, @ the end, a “warning” that this might be fun for people who already know this shit—the same way I find it fun to do 2nd grade homework.

By the end of these quick tutorials about responsive web design with HTML5, you will already be on your way to web stardom, and by that, I mean, you’ll be ready to convert and make responsive websites!

Ah, yes, web designers are the rock stars o’ the internet. ¡With ’nough JavaScript libraries you’ll be the next Kurt Cobain! Which is to say that after your 100th site swivelling huge pictures o’ workers laughing & pretending their job isn’t the equivalent o’ having their souls in a smasher & free ads for iPhones, you’ll want to shoot yourself in the head.

Additional reading: If after reading this quick tutorial, you want to go more in depth check out this PSD to HTML tutorial: The Only Guide You Need in 2015 (ultimate learning 10k word guide)!

I think they prematurely ended this sentence: I think they meant to type, “The Only Guide You Need in 2015 to Know These People Know Nothing ’Bout Web Design.”

¡Phhhh! ¿You want to know what’s e’en better? If you actually go to that link, you’ll see that the page itself says that it’s “The Only Guide You Need in 2016 [emphasis mine]” & that ’twas written in 2016. These fuckers are so stupid they don’t e’en know what year it is & think that the only useful website for 2015ers is one that requires them to time-travel in order to read it.

For an article that s’posedly takes only 15 minutes to read & apply, it sure is full o’ lots o’ padding, including telling me what the writer is going to write. These writers must be paid by the word.

Anyway, most o’ the article is just, “download this framework & copy what I write.” This “website” that you end up making is not a website with any use to anyone (nor good-looking), & is a waste o’ bandwidth & loading time, with all the frameworks loaded to do nothing.

Here’s an easier way to make a reponsive website in 15 minutes: don’t use absolute measurements ’less you have to. ¿You want a navigation bar like in the screenshot they show? Just make an unordered list o’ links & make the list items inline & the links blocks. Also, don’t be ’fraid o’ having single columns. Honestly, I find they look better & are much easier to scan, since they’re less cluttered. This is 2016; no web user’s ’fraid to scroll, vertically a’least; you don’t need to pack everything @ the top like a newspaper.

Hell, e’en if one were adamant ’bout having one’s site in columns, one could just use flexbox. (That linked article, by the way, is a much better tutorial for responsive design than this).

This tutorial makes no sense. It claims that you’re s’posed to know CSS to be able to do it, but if you know CSS, you don’t need this tutorial, since you should already know how to make responsive websites—mo’ than you’d know how to install & use some unfamiliar frameworks.

Moreo’er, like many frameworks, these encourage terrible design standards, which this tutorial only accentuates. Look @ how silly that looks, having a page full o’ empty DIV tags that do nothing but tell a dumb framework to make a chunk o’ content 1000px in the most arcane way e’er. ¿What e’er happened to progressive enhancement? You’re not doing that by starting by imagining the larger screen size 1st.

But the best is the last step:

Step 4: There is no Step 4

I expected a tutorial on web design, not paradoxes, Douglas Hofstadter.

Well, actually there is a step 4.

¡This writer’s so naive they don’t e’en know how to use a backspace key!

The next thing you need to do is study the files you downloaded and start creating your own responsive web page from scratch.

asryhlawueyrvlauiybrvayruia… You’re trying to piss me off.

If I’m using frameworks, I’m not making anything “from scratch”; that is the exact opposite o’ the very definition o’ “from scratch.”

There are a lot of other tools you can use aside from Foundation, but the idea is basically the same. Don’t forget to check the documentation!

That’s gonna take quite a bit longer than 15 minutes, buddy.

What do you think about this tutorial? This is my first time writing one, and it may appear messy to experts, but comments and suggestions are always welcome so that we can all improve, right?

I love how this writer is @ their messiest while talking ’bout what a messy writer they are. ¿& who are the “experts”? ¿In literacy? ¿Who would that include? ¿Or is there some template for writing ’bout web design? Actually, considering how standardized these articles seem to be & how allergic these people are to doing anything themselves, that would make sense.

Start typing now!

But you just said I was s’posed to start by downloading files. You don’t e’en remember what you wrote, ¿did you?

¿Why?

Posted in Web Design

Über die Entstehung des Wahnsinns

To celebrate The Mezunian’s move to a better, spicier website, I’ve decided I’m finally going to ’splain the origins o’ my tagline, “Die Positivität ist das Opium des Volkes, aber der Spott ist das Opium der Verrückten,” which, from the pinnacle o’ my memory, means something ’long the edges o’, “Positivity is the opium o’ the people, but mockery is the opium o’ the insane”—a tagline that seemed to spring up out o’ nowhere, e’en though it does, if I may say so myself, fit this blog quite well.

The inspiration actually came from ’nother article I planned on writing, but gave up on, just like hundreds o’ others. In this case, I remember ’twas ’cause I felt kinda like an asshole, given the subject matter—e’en though the person who wrote the article I was mocking was rather callous himself. & considering the kind o’ articles I’ve wrote, that probably says a lot.

¿Anyone remember #18 from “48 List Articles that Make You Want to Cut Your Wrists in Misery @ the Sheer Inane Horror that is the Dumpster o’ the Internet ”? That was the Smashing Magazine article wherein someone slanderously accused me o’ not being a machine through text, despite the physical impossibility o’ such.

A summary o’ that article: the writer describes some time he felt depressed from o’erwork & spews out a useless moral ’bout how you shouldn’t let the world control you, man. One should always be wary o’ advice that is ’long the lines o’ “don’t let them [blank],” ’specially when that blank is something as vague as “step on you.” The very idea o’ “letting someone else control you” is self-contradictory: if you’re “controlled,” then by the very definition o’ that word, one lacks the control to stop it. Otherwise the concept o’ being “controlled” would become meaningless.

Now, remember that this writer titled this article “You Are Not A Machine” &, indeed, continues that metaphor for being o’erworked for the latter half o’ the article. ’Course, for anyone as familiar with left-wing politics as I am, the obvious connection pops out: 1 o’ Marx’s few ideas that quite a lot o’ mainstream people are familiar with is his famous description o’ the average worker as “die Ausdehnung der Maschinerie,” or “the appendage of the machine.” ’Course, Marx didn’t call for workers to, like, stop being controlled, man, since he was a’least smart ’nough not to bother with such redundant nonsense, & since he was also a’least smart ’nough to understand that the whole idea o’ being enslaved to a machine is that you’re enslaved & that to break out o’ such takes mo’ than telling oneself happy words.

& ’twas from this that I realized why I had such a problem with the cult o’ positivity, o’ self-help (well, other than that it has reactionary implications & is usually used as a form o’ victim-blaming): it’s an opium for the masses, a way to distract from substantial solutions—substantial in that they actually change things, both bad & good, & that they actually take effort to undertake & come with actual risks & losses.

The closest he comes is when he says, “there is not something wrong with you, there is something wrong with the industry” (& does go ’way from the typical self-help goal o’ distracting attention—that is to say, blame—from social structures, which might lead to dangerous dissidence, & toward oneself); but then he contradicts that by focusing the rest o’ the article on talking ’bout how individual workers should act individually in regards to themselves. If it’s the industry, ¿then shouldn’t the industry change? & if that’s the case, ¿shouldn’t one act in a way that changes the industry?

But then, this shouldn’t come as any surprise. If one is truly going to talk ’bout competition & how this affects one’s ability to get free time, one has to talk ’bout the economic system in which this happens, &, in doing so, talk ’bout the political policies that make it that way; & in doing so with a certain goal in mind, one will have to call for certain policies to be changed or kept the same, & in what way. To talk ’bout this subject in any intelligent way would require one to be politically biased, which is obviously not something a web design magazine would be comfortable with—well, so long as it’s not something both widely popular & abstract to the point o’ meaninglessness, such as supporting “diversity,” without any talk o’ specific ways to support that (certainly not talk o’ affirmative action).

This is the problem I have with this article: it’s trying to say something deep & meaningful without taking the risks necessary to truly do so. This writer wants it both ways. But what he doesn’t realize is that in order for something to be meaningful in a social way, it has to be controversial. After all, the very definition o’ “controversial” implies that it must be both something people care ’bout & that it’s something in which people don’t always agree. If everyone already does agree, then there’s no point in saying something, since the whole point o’ persuasive writing is to change people’s minds.

This is fine for web design writing. Sure, there are idiots who may whine ’cause a web design site says one should avoid using cascading in CSS1; but most would understand that a web design blog is guaranteed to make biased opinions on what some should or should not do in web design. ¿But politics? That’s a different story; & yet ’twas a story this writer pushed himself into by writing ’bout a subject that wasn’t web design @ all—which makes one wonder why he bothered talking ’bout it @ all. I’m sure he’d defend himself by saying that it’s something that affects his fellow web design workers a lot. Indeed, that’s ’cause the political economy affects his fellow web design workers a lot.

Which brings us to the central conclusion: & that’s the news you choose.

Wait, that’s not the conclusion. Damn it, Lord Crocomire, shut up.

Ah, here we go: if you’re going to talk ’bout subjects enmeshed in the ugly bogmire o’ economics, be prepared to jump into that bogmire. Trying to write ’bout that subject without actually talking ’bout any real aspects—just telling people the equivalent o’ “Just don’t have problems anymo’” is like giving someone a water bottle full o’ air. & the fact that the writer emphasizes how needy his intended audience are for actual water makes this article e’en meaner. ¿How could an o’erworked, stressed worker respond to this empty advice but sheer annoyance?

’Course, the comments don’t respond that way; but then, ¿who writes lowly comments that will likely not be read for the sake o’ actually giving info & not to gather either positive or negative attention (in this article, mainly positive, since you have to be a’least 18 to be a professional web designer)?

Advice: stick to writing ’bout how to make better web buttons, & leave the economic analyses to the, ahem, experts here.

Posted in Politics, Web Design, Yuppy Tripe

¿Is the Web Hosting Industry Corrupt or What?

Man, why is everyone wasting their time talking ’bout some conspiracy ’bout some random woman fucking some random guy @ some magazine or website I’ve ne’er cared ’bout when there’s much mo’ potent (albeit, not exactly life-threatening) corruption in web hosting.

You e’er read web host reviews & notice the sheer # that offer coupons & admit to getting commissions from web hosts? This is funny to me, ’cause I always thought rule #1 o’ serious review sites was not to take payment from the people you’re reviewing.

It’s not that nobody’s talking ’bout it (there’s nothing that nobody’s talking ’bout). I found 3 easily–Research as a Hobby, Digital FAQ, & Review Hell–which talk all ’bout EIG & how corrupt they are, yadda yadda. But here’s the funny thing: they all take commissions from web hosts, too.

Research as a Hobby:

So if my hobby can bring me even a little extra income, that will be great and will motivate me to prepare and put the results of my analysis on this website (and it is really time-consuming although pleasant work).

That’s why some links on my website that are affiliate. It means that if you make a purchase following these links, there are chances that I will get some compensation. This compensation is paid by the company where the purchase is made.

Digital FAQ:

If one of our suggested hosts has an affiliate program, great, we join it, and the funds are used to support the costs of maintaining this site. If not, oh well, good is good, and they still get our suggestion.

Review Hell:

Review Hell may receive commissions from sales generated through this site.

Note that I understand that they don’t make as much money, still recommend hosts that don’t provide commissions, & thus aren’t as bad as the worst offenders. & they–‘specially Research as a Hobby & Digital FAQ–do still provide interesting info, such as Digital FAQ’s guide that explains o’erselling, & why it’s important, economically, for all hosts to do it. Still, it just kind o’ bums me out that I couldn’t find 1 review site that doesn’t accept commissions. I mean, yeah, Digital FAQ only made $5 from EuroVPS; but you could flip that round & ask, ¿was that $5 worth losing the ability to say in loud colors, “We accept no commissions; we are 100% independent”? Just a lament.

The Marxist/savvy businessman1 in me might say that this tendency toward corruption is a natural outcome o’ steeply rising competition as people scramble to keep themselves economically ‘bove the surface by any means possible… But I’m narcissistic, so I’ll just bitch ’bout how I’ll ne’er know a good way to find out whether I should go with BadassHost or FuckYeahHost without shelling $5-15 a’least once. ¿& who has that kind o’ money?

Obviously I ought to start offering glowing reviews for HostGator & Bluehost–for a fair commission, ‘course–& then add all those tacky ads offering weight loss tips & articles ’bout zany motor homes. Hey, I have to make a living somehow.


Footnotes:

[1] The slim difference ‘tween Marxists & a savvy businessperson: a Marxist says, “The corrupt capitalists are fucking o’er the working class, ¡& we must stop them!” The wise businessperson says: “The corrupt capitalists are fucking o’er the working class, ¡& I gotta get in on that!”

Posted in Web Design

¡A Victory for Good Taste! ¡1st Web Designer’s Last!

1st Web Designer decided to give the whole internet a great gift to celebrate 2016: they’re not going to write ’bout web design. This may shock people who read their earlier attempt to discuss web design, wherein they showed that they think Adobe Photoshop is a programming language & that the best way to benefit customers is to spend 10 minutes stealing other people’s generic templates & spending the rest o’ one’s time masturbating to meaningless abstract terms like “TM43 CONVERTING WEBSITES.”

Yes, we’re leaving web design industry, not entirely of course, but the general web design so we can focus on something more precise and current.

Unfortunately, this is only a minor gift, for 1st Web Designer is still writing @ all, & failing @ it almost just as much. To demonstrate this boldly, they started this article with a comma splice in the 1st sentence. Maybe they should try looking for some writing templates, too.

We’ll explain everything in the article, but first let me congratulate you with Year 2016!

Nothing’s mo’ hilariously redundant than writing, “We will talk ’bout [blank].” ‘Stead o’ telling me ’bout what you’re going to say, ¿why don’t you just fucking say it?

One more year has passed, we really hope your year 2015 was awesome – full with amazing experiences and growth!

I’m still baffled that, in addition to computers in general, these people don’t understand how a comma works.

If you have just started with web design – congratulations, you took a big leap of faith to become a creator.

‘Gain, 1st Web Design is demonstrating their patented “talk ’bout everything but what the title o’ the article says.”

& it goes on & on, with mo’ 1-sentence-long paragraphs o’ the same general message. Let’s skip ‘head to—wait…

What can you expect to find in this article?

(Laughs) ¡Come the fuck on! ¡Just give me what I expect now! ¡This is a simple article to blabber ’bout what you’re doing with the site, not a fucking history thesis!

We will be reviewing the best content published in 2015 on 1WD

¿See? That proves that this article will be short.

Also we are making a big decision to change our focus to WordPress[.]

Um, ¿didn’t you already do that?

& WordPress is obviously web design, so if you’re talking ’bout WordPress, then you’re talking ’bout web design. I can’t believe you wrote ‘nother article wherein the title is a total fucking lie.

This is becoming a yearly tradition, look what we predicted and promised last year.

Yeah, bullshit article titles & comma splices have become a yearly tradition for you—as much a yearly tradition as the flu.

We will be inviting 1WD readers to start fresh together with us this year. Let’s start over, question all our previous decisions, improve and then focus again.

I can’t agree mo’: scrap everything you’ve done; throw it all ‘way. You were clearly just drunk @ the time, anyway.

Next we need to fast forward through all the ads…

Apparently we should expect 1WD, as these hip cats call themselves, to retire from the dreary work o’ pretending to do web design & ‘stead go out into the fresh wilderness & become lumberjacks in snowy Canada. I can’t agree mo’ with this decision.

O, great, after that ad we got self-fallatio. Should’ve expected it.

On 2015 1WD published 119 articles, that’s a new article every 3 days.

In 89 years, Harper Lee wrote 2 books. I don’t think there’s a coincidence ‘tween these 2 contrasting facts. ¿Can we add 1 o’ those inane hashtags to “quantityoverquality”?

Then we started talking more about web design trends, UI, UX and mobile design, which also showed random results. All in all, now in review we understand we didn’t focus enough to give any of these efforts true results.

(Laughs). The 1st sentence should be translated to “people said they sucked,” & “focus enough” should be translated to “do anywhere near a competent job.”

When you think 1stWebDesigner – what’s the first thing, you would say it’s about? If I think about it myself – I would say random topics about web design. What we are missing here – is strong focus, but we’ll talk about it later when discussing our decision to focus on WordPress.

Well, now when I think ’bout you, I think o’ commas & em dashes misused in hilarious ways. It’s like he just read ’bout em dashes before writing this article & thought, Man, ¡I gotta use these all o’er the places!

(Laughs) ¡Holy shit! I just noticed he tried to build suspense & failed when he ‘splained what his conclusion was as he was trying to hint @ it. “I’ll tell you what I’m focusing on when I tell you ’bout how I’m focusing on WordPress.” This is now 2 layers o’ telling what you’re going talk ’bout.

& then he writes a paragraph talking ’bout what he’s going to talk ’bout before a big header that says the same thing. ¿Is he paid by word here? ¿Is this Herman Melville reincarnated?

& this is followed by the other “yearly tradition” bullshit titles: he claims he wrote a whopping 11,000-word tutorial (#quantityoverquality) on web designing “from scratch,” but as his top 10 (I’m just glad it isn’t some zany #, like 17) reveals, this is just a list o’ list articles (which do use zany #s) listing resources you can take. That is literally the opposite o’ designing websites “from scratch.”

Hope you enjoyed checking out these articles, but what else is there?

Mo’ ads to fast-forward through.

In 2015 we heavily experimented with video and podcast content to understand if you enjoy it and maybe even prefer video over text.

“We figured that if you’re dumb ‘nough to value this schlock, you might just be dumb ‘nough to be illiterate.”

Create a Responsive Website Using HTML5 and CSS3 – this video, created by guest writer Christian Vasile 2 years ago, has turned out to be the most popular video we have created so far.

For some reason, this video made by somebody else that actually shows true technical work related to actual web design is mo’ popular than me talking ’bout my favorite type o’ coffee & weekday.

If you missed it, 1stWebDesigner is also on iTunes with 25 podcasts already available, where James interviews smart and successful people.

I hope he means 25 episodes o’ 1 podcast, & not the alternate.

¿Why do ads—these are clearly still ads—insist on using empty superlatives that don’t convince anyone? ¿& wouldn’t it be refreshing if someone admitted, “we interview whatever losers living on their mother’s couch & making Wario Land fan sites who will deign to speak to us”?

You can easily pick their brain and learn why they are one of the best in their field.

I would be intrigued to learn ’bout their special morphing powers to combine themselves into a single entity.

So he finally gets to that super important message that he already gave ’bout focusing on WordPress now (snore). It’s truly no different from what he’s been saying in the past articles, so it makes no sense.

Previously we tried to be a place where you learn web design, a place where you learn how to become a freelance web designer.

& you failed miserably.

But web industry is moving to less and less coding[.]

& here’s proof that he knows nothing ’bout web design, for if he did, he’d know that, if anything, web design is becoming mo’ ’bout coding—that web design itself is in danger o’ being mo’ & mo’ replaced by specialized apps that are, yes, programmed. He might also know that JavaScript is becoming mo’ prevalent. He’d know that being able to do mo’ than the most basic things in WordPress requires a’least knowing the programming that forms its backbone, in case the plugins one uses cause odd fuck-ups.

Right now, themes have become so powerful, that they are used as page builders.

Without a’least minimal technical knowledge, these are useful only for the most basic websites & will be impossible to distinguish from other websites that use the same “builders.”

Mo’ importantly, something so easily done can easily be done by the companies or individuals themselves for free. Simple logic states that if one does nothing, than one is useless, & therefore no one needs to pay one for doing nothing when they can get the same for doing the nothing themselves for free. Sorry your scheme to get paid for nothing failed.

There are basically two paths you can take as a web designer – you become a hardcore programmer or you become a hacker.

We’ll add “definition o’ the word `hacker’”1 to the list o’ things 1stWebDesigner doesn’t know.

But for us hacking things together has always been closer path.

¡Hey! ¡The 1st true statement!

Clearly when he said “hacker,” he meant “hack.” Easy to mix ’em up, buddy.

Also, ¿can we add “how to use articles correctly” to that list?

I do like how 1stWebDesigner was a’least nice ‘nough to provide ads to better websites that offer useful info.

So What Exactly, 1WD Will Be Focusing On?

Now you’re being illiterate on purpose. You think you’re that wacky ol’ man from Zelda. You’re not. You’re not e’en that random Moblin. You’re just a bush in the forest—not e’en the 1 that’s burnt down to find Level 7. Just a random 1.

[Y]ou will not be selling your coding skills anymore. You will be selling the results you deliver to your clients.

We’ve been through this already. I get it: “You won’t be getting money for your work; you’ll be getting money for other people’s work.” Essentially, you’ll be exploiting dumb small businesses who are too stupid to know that they can pay their janitor excess T-shirts with their brand’s logo on it to spend a Saturday setting up an account on WordPress.com. This is the exact thing you talked ’bout before. Nothing has changed. You’re e’en talking ’bout those fucking “converting” websites ‘gain.

For example, we’ll help you to find and build: the fastest WordPress themes, that improve user experience and conversion because of fast loading speed[…]

I know I’ve been harping on this guy’s English, but it’s hard for him to convince me when I have no idea what the hell he’s saying. ¿These themes are fast ’cause they have “fast loading speed”? C’mon.

¿& the themes improve the “conversion”? I thought they were what were being converted. ¿What does conversion have to do with anything?

[…]amazing WordPress plugins, that deliver specific functionality like adding security, loading speed, shopping cart, membership website[…]

Um, no, you need to know how to fucking program to make plugins. You need to know this li’l thing called “PHP,” which didn’t e’en make it onto your list o’ programming languages one should learn that includes Photoshop.

[…]common WordPress mistakes[…]

(Laughs). Wait, back it up: let’s go back to the start o’ this sprawling sentence:

For example, we’ll help you to find and build:

& that motherfucker said “and” (¿What is this, the 50s? Might as well spell-out “@,” too), so he can’t mean just finding them.

After trying to suck me into the WordPress cult,—Augh.—mo’ ads.

Still, he does have some great incite into business:

Everyone who is professionally involved in this industry or for that matter any other industry must have the business growth mindset which basically translates into: “In order to earn I have to spend.”

“¡Just bribe your way to victory! ¡Yay corruption!”

Hey, ¿what if our 1st web designer isn’t rolling in money—like most 1st web designers? Looks like I might’ve found a tiny chink in the otherwise solid fortress that is your strategy, bud.

Every successful person will tell you that in order to grow their business and earn, they also had to spend money. They had to invest either in their education, tools, solutions, contacts or assets.

But not their labor, ’cause successful people are lazy assholes.

& then mo’ ads for o’erpriced garbage plugins. Seriously, ¿What world are we living in wherein “Ninja Popups” costs mo’ than 5 times as much as Wario Land 3 on Virtual Console? If that’s not proof that the “Subjective” Theory o’ Value is horseshit… well, it is—so there. I mean, “If you paid $25 for `Ninja Popups,’ then you’re a fucking idiot” is 1 o’ Aristotle’s fundamental principles, for god’s sake.

We want 1stWebDesigner to become source, where you find in-depth, unbiased reviews on some top themes, plugins, WordPress related services in the market.

So their goal is to be a redundant copy o’ the reviews section on WordPress’s plugins pages.

Don’t be confused when seeing new non-WordPress articles popping up as recently published. It will just mean, that we have republished this article, we took from archives.

“Don’t be confused if we’re too stupid to figure out how to update our ol’ shit without having it rise to the top o’ our blog like feces in toilet water.”

This is how clean and fast website should look like.

Thank you, Solomon Gundy, for your wonderful inspirational poster.

& then this:

On this note, if you would like to help us, we need some additional help to get this done sooner. If you are from Europe and looking for contract type of work to help us with cleanup works, please email us to hello at 1stwebdesigner dot com.

¡Ha! He can’t e’en clean up his own shit without other people’s work. C’mon.

¿& why only Europeans? ¿Why the whole general continent o’ Europe? Like, e’en if he for some reason needed them to be close ‘nough to have “1 on 1,” or whatever inane sexual innuendo business bros. use, I think, say, a Romanian would have just as much a distance or language problem for a UK company as anyone from any other country.

Then he gabs ’bout how he’s switching to some other product ’cause it allows him to spy on his viewers better.

1st Web Designer shows that their true reason for switching is ’cause their horoscope told them that things would “look up” if Capricorns switched to ConvertKit.

Then they finally end this schlock by asking for reading input (snooze).

Do you think we are going completely wrong about this or maybe you are excited about the changes?

Well, the latter is factually wrong, since there were no changes, so I guess I’ll have to say the former. Maybe 2017 will be the year you finally learn how words work.

By the way, I think they may want me to GET EXCLUSIVE WORDPRESS & BUSINESS TIPS, though I’m not 100% sure. I just have the strange feeling that they were subtly hinting @ the fact throughout this article.


Footnotes:

[1] Merriam Webster definition 3: “an expert at programming and solving problems with a computer [emphasis mine].”

Posted in Web Design

Wish ‘Twere 1st Web Design’s Last

This article truly exists & yet I still disbelieve its existence. I almost posted this on September 11, ’cause it’s that much o’ a god damn disaster, but then I needed mo’ time to collect my thoughts so that this wasn’t a rambling mess (it probably still is, though).

The writers o’ 1st Web Design seem to be the kind o’ amusing bunch who have a li’l cute knowledge o’ web design—HTML, CSS, & how to buy already-made WordPress themes so that their websites look just like a’least a dozen others—but want to think o’ themselves as experts in web design. They do this the way all narcissistic dolts do: they simply call anything that requires actual thought not important & ‘stead emphasize abstract, motivational pap that doesn’t actually mean anything. Nor do they e’er defend this pap logically; they simply assert it with that obnoxious business-street style that fans o’ Shark Tank love—’gain, people who like to pretend they’re smart without having any actual smarts, since actually smart people know that logic & evidence, not boisterous language, makes smart ideas.

I don’t know where to start with this article, since I’m not sure what parts actually count. ¿Should I include the 1st paragraph that oddly has larger text than all o’ the rest & spews nothing but fortune-cookie filler in almost English?

¿Should I start with the 1st regular-size paragraph & its own e’en-mo’-bizarre psalm?

For me this 2015 is the chance to be foolish again after being bruised by business failures (lessons).

¿So the author’s admitting that they’re fools & failures? ¿Then what makes them qualified to teach me? ¿’Cause they’re learning “lessons” from their failures? Based on that logic, then every homeless person & every dead-end worker should be qualified to write this. ¿Why aren’t I reading their work ‘stead? (That’s an authentic question I’m asking myself now.)

They then go on to quote ‘nother bizarre quote, this time from Steve Jobs—the go to guru for people who like the style o’ profundity, but don’t want to go through the tedium o’ the substance:

“Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish.”

See, it’s profound ’cause it’s vague ‘nough to have multiple meanings, making it useless as actual advice since it’s impossible to e’en confirm what the advice is. ¿Is it asking the reader to both stay hungry & stay foolish or saying that staying hungry makes one stay foolish? Think o’ all the wonderful mysteries we would lose if Steve Jobs bothered to use proper English.

¿What relevance does this have to which programming language I should learn? Nothing.

But we do get to learn some fascinating insights into 1st Web Designer’s work:

As you have noticed here at 1stWebDesigner, we don’t go into teaching hardcore programming or anywhere deep in graphic design (but we care a lot about converting and usable websites).

“As you know, we don’t teach anything that’s actually useful—we let the other sites do that.” It is good to see that they care a lot ’bout what sounds like the middle-aged yuppie version o’ some drug fetish & usability—despite having li’l discussion o’ how to implement the latter.

However, we have noticed the main reason why most web designers don’t succeed is because they fail to see their freelance web design venture as a business. They think that if they learn good skills and the right web programming languages, clients will come magically.

Part o’ me wants to say “Please elaborate on this bald assertion,” but the other part o’ me wants to say, “¿Why are you saying all o’ this in an article based on learning programming languages? ¿Is this article actually trolling me by giving me something completely different from advertised?

Consider this – Most people despise salesmen, most especially a used car salesman. A lot of people always cast them in a bad light – opportunists.

That’s probably ’cause they’re ‘mong the top o’ the list o’ occupations most likely to be filled by sociopaths—probably on account o’ involving all o’ that opportunism. Kind o’ like the ugly opportunism 1st Web Designer used by giving this article a name that’s irrelevant with its actual content, also known as “false advertising,” also known as “lying,” also know as that thing that shitty people do. That’s why you’re looked @ as shitty people: ’cause you’re shitty people.

But why do you think sales people often get paid the most in the company?

‘Cause they’re sociopathic opportunists. Asking why the person who screws other people to help themselves succeeds is like asking why the cat beats the mouse. The very definition o’ success is getting mo’ for oneself than others. Obviously the best way to get mo’ customers than other businesses would be to get mo’ customers for oneself & less for the others; obviously the best way to get mo’ money is to get mo’ money from customers & put in less o’ one’s own resources, whereas customers want mo’ money for themselves & mo’ quality, which requires mo’ resources from the company. See, that’s kind o’ how this “competition” thing works.

Your entire company should be considered your branding department.

1st Web Designer clearly supports such antisocial behavior, since they believe that content creation should be almost entirely—this quote says entirely—subsumed by propaganda (“marketing” in business terms). Essentially, they support selling shit as if ’twere gold. If they’re surprised by why people may find this antisocial, annoying, & just bad in general, they’re clearly deluded. Yes, shake our fists @ those mean ol’ jealous consumers ’cause they happen to not like people who admit that they care ’bout nothing but taking as much as they can from them without e’en bothering to develop the skills to create content that is actually worth money.

See, smart businesses don’t say this shit out-loud ’cause they know it’ll piss off customers if they do so, & that might cause them to lose said customers. ¿How can 1st Web Designer claim to have the business finesse to get customers when they themselves outright say aloud how li’l they respect their customers that they’re willing to cut corners as much as possible? It’s clear from this article that 1st Web Designer would be a shitty business to buy products from.

In short, this article is the worst advertisement e’er.

The writer goes on to talk ’bout obvious shit like how businesses need to think ’bout how they spend their money (‘Less one’s a sheltered rich person, every adult needs to think ’bout finances. That’s like saying one needs to eat to stay ‘live) & hypocritical shit ’bout needing to “stand out from the crowd” from a site that uses the same template as Web Design Depot1 & uses phrases like “stand out from the crowd.”

& we’re still not talking ’bout which programming language I should use. In fact, this article’s content clearly hints that the writers consider such a question superfluous. I can’t emphasize how corrupt &/or incompetent they are.

¡& how pleased I am to have run into this article after searching for something else entirely on Google! For as much as Google brags ’bout their wonderful search algorithms & how they penalize keyword abuse, they sure don’t punish cocksuckers like these sites ‘nough, since they’re still playing the system. See, this is why I hate these websites so much. One can’t say that I just shouldn’t read them, ’cause they truly get in the way o’ my ability to find useful content. My life would literally be better if this site ne’er existed.

So to answer 1st Web Designer, this is why people hate salespeople like you: the same reason they hate mosquitoes. Please exterminate this shitty website & do something mo’ productive. Surely you guys have some valuable skills–¿like holding road signs, maybe?

& enough with the superfluous images filled with cheap icon clipart you ripped off from some free clipart site. ‘Cause nothing says “professional” like cheap art I’ve seen a million times already. Way to “stand out.”

They continue to not talk ’bout what programming language I should use or programming @ all for paragraphs, but they do harken back to classic RPGs by spelling the strengths o’ smaller web agencies (¿who cares?) in all-caps.

I also find it strange that they assume small businesses are faster than larger ones, despite the larger ones having mo’ people, & thus are able to better divide the work. Maybe they think web design companies operate by the square-cube law.

It’s your opportunity and if you are true professional, you love what you do and you love to do the work you are proud of.

I would describe professional work as work that isn’t shitty, personally. “I don’t care whether my website works well or not, ¡but I demand you squeel with glee as you’re making it!”

You can just ask a friend or a contractor to help out with the things that aren’t your expertise. The key, however, is still the fact that you can move forward fast.

¡Just mooch off others! ¡Exploit! ¡Exploit! Just so long as you get their money now, it doesn’t matter how many people you fuck o’er & piss off.

I guess they truly do take after Steve Jobs.

(Laughs.) Under “be personal”:

You know you are awesome and you will do everything to please the client and willingly take the extra mile to satisfy him.

Finally someone cut to the fucking chase ’bout what this is all ’bout: jerking people off.

Clients love speed, quick turnover, and they love to see their agencies #deliver. Are you one of these agencies?

No ’cause I prefer to actually do work rather than dick round with insipid hash tags on Twitter. & I think clients also like their work not half-assed, too.

What technologies, programming languages to use?

¡O, fuck! ¡Finally we’ve gotten to the actual point o’ the article! ¡& Only half a page in! Great job: you’d fail a fucking middle school essay assignment.

I love how 1 o’ the most popular questions for them is “How do I learn web design?” Indeed, ¿What is this studying concept I’ve heard so much ’bout? I hear it oft involves books & such.

Their answer’s rather stupid:

You always want to find the next great tool or the shiny app of a new programming language that will help you have a competitive edge in the web industry and show that you are true ambassador of new technologies.

This is unfortunate for those who have higher goals—becoming the Prime Minister o’ New Technologies, for instance. For once they make it sound harder than it is, having to learn new programming languages all the time. I don’t e’en think they make new programming languages that oft.

Ruby on Rails web application framework, Ghost, Craft content management system built with PHP and C, Java, C++ for mobile app creation are super trendy right now.

“Look @ me totally name-check all these new trends like the hip-hopping turtle’s PJs that I am.”

Yeah, all the kiddies nowadays are building websites with C & C++. Perchance, ¿are those examples o’ the “new programming languages” they spoke ’bout earlier? ¿Couldn’t these whippersnappers suffice with websites build with good ol’ COBOL? (Yes, I’m sure there are real websites made with COBOL. Shut up.)

Do you want to spent countless hours coding and designing, or you want to run a web design business?

“¿Do you want to do productive work or just lazily leech off others?” This is, indeed, a mutually-exclusive dichotomy: I’m glad that 1st Web Designer let me in on the secret that no business e’er does coding or design or any o’ that shit the vulgar masses do.

There is nothing wrong with being a hardcore programmer or true artist, but we are here to educate you about having a bigger impact, scaling, and helping clients to create a CONVERTING website.

“There’s nothing wrong with programmers or artists, but they’re just not as cool as our hip converts.”

Still, I’m happy to see a reference to my favorite TM from Pokémon Red, Blue, & Yellow, “CONVERTING”; I always teach it to my Blastoise just before I fight Sabrina. That, added with the random all-caps, is borderline Engrish by, I’m sure, someone for whom English is a 1st language. That’s an accomplishment. ¿Is the website still converting (¿Converting what? ¿Itself?) after it’s already been made? ¿Wouldn’t “converted website” make mo’ sense? Actually, ¿wouldn’t a phrase that actually means something concretely make e’en mo’ sense?

Unfortunately, they still haven’t actually educated me on what I’m sure are immensely arduous skills to learn & not made-up bullshit to hide the fact that they are clueless.

Programmers will solve technological issues and designers will make everything pretty but a 1st Web Designer will know the basics of programming and designing but will look beyond that by helping clients create an effective, converting website.

A “1st Web Designer” is apparently a member o’ their Kool-Aid cult.

I’m glad to see that Programmers only solve the issues that exist in programs that were apparently handed down to the world by the Flying Spaghetti Monster & that designers just “make everything pretty.” Members o’ their cult, however, don’t bother with such frivolous brainy shit—brainy if one thinks multiplication tables are confusing—but look “beyond” such pedestrian nonsense & actually create the websites, presumably from sticks & hay, since obviously programming & design have nothing to do with it.

¿Why was it “CONVERTING” before, but now just regular ol’ “converting”? I’ve ne’er heard o’ a term that loses power as it’s used.

¡Ha, ha, ha! ¡Not only is their next picture mo’ arbitrary bullshit spewed by some random nobody, the comment under it doesn’t e’en get it right! “Duh, coding, design—they’re the same thing basically.”

What does creating a converting website means?

I’m glad to see them describing this term after already using it 3 times. Clearly 1st Web Designer are using postmodern chronology, which only makes their articles richer ‘pon a 2nd reading.

It means you know about internet marketing. You know about A/B testing. You know what drives sales, how to set up a mailing list, and you how to create a landing page that is beautiful as well as converts visitors to sales. [emphasis mine.]

It’s good to see that the difference ‘tween members o’ 1st Web Designer’s cult & boring ol’ programmers is figuring out how to test & send emails–which clearly no programmer could figure out.

Sadly, I’m not as capable: I don’t e’en know how someone would “how” creating a landing page, much less how to do it myself. In fact, my linguistically-inferior mind didn’t e’en know “how” could be used as a verb.

I know it’s petty o’ me—& I am petty—but this is the kind o’ shit my mind focuses on when I read dreck like this. & I can’t just read something else, ’cause I’m ‘fraid o’ what worse I’ll find back in that Google search. I ought to just say, “Fuck it: I’ll just stick with PHP. Whatever.” PHP’s inconsistent & vague data types are nothing compared to trudging through the wasteland o’ vague & trite buzzwords—& I’m not e’en good @ programming.

You will not let technology stand in your way.

You will break the laws o’ physics. “I don’t care if you can’t handle a quadrillion animated GIFs o’ my cat, Patches, server—¡you’re fucking doing it!”

It must be fun to be so deluded as to think one’s magic mind beams o’ optimism can surpass any o’ those nerdy technological & design concerns. Such can only come from one who is so pampered & sheltered from mean ol’ reality by invisible servants. This is why such boisterous clowns who bark ’bout only results mattering–the scientific equivalent o’ saying that only conclusions matter, not the facts on which they ordinarily rely–are not savvy, but irrational. It’s no wonder the US’s economy’s so shitty when people so unreasonable as to refuse to acknowledge objective reality are idolized as the ideal businesspeople.

Your client won’t be technologically smart and that’s why he needs you.

¿Why? We’ve already established that neither the target audience nor the writers themselves have any technological knowledge, either. Here’s how I’d imagine the conversation going:

“Duh, ¿can you program the WordPress in Visual Basic? I could make some pretty nifty programs using my Nintendo when I was 17.”

“Duh… OK… ¡So long as it’s effective, efficient, converting, energizing, & #getstheshitdoneson!”

“Duh… ¿What’s any o’ that mean?”

“It means you understand what makes a website that leaves an impact.”

“Duh… ¿What’s that mean?”

We must end this conversation prematurely or else risk crashing your browser due to a memory shortage caused by an endless loop.

However, your selling points aren’t – “I will apply the latest web design trends, use Ruby on Rails, and create a responsive great looking website for you!”

Well, I’d hope so. The last thing I’d want are grammatically-incorrect selling points.

But a’least they’re classy ‘nough to use both the English & Spanish forms o’ quotation.

Your selling point is to understand why the client is hiring you, what results he is looking for and then, deliver him the results with your skills.

Marketing Bimbo Golden Rule: spew too-dumb-to-live-obvious broad statements as if ‘splaining the ingredients for the potion o’ youth. ¡Woah! ¡Hold on now! You’re telling me that when someone hires me to do something for them… ¿I should do the thing they want me to do? No wonder I ne’er succeeded: when my client asked me to design a website for them, I’d always just give them sheets o’ paper that talked ’bout what an awesome website is ‘stead o’ doing all that gross programming & design they wanted me to do—¡Ugh!

& it’s good to see that programmers & regular web designers are apparently too dumb to understand clients telling them what they want in English. It’s a good thing that 1st Web Designer is elaborating on all o’ these occult skills & not just spewing forth empty, arrogant disses gainst professions that have actually proven themselves to have skills that actually exist. ¿Where would they find the time to do so when they’re too busy regurgitating the same empty phrases o’er & o’er ‘gain till I want to bash my skull in?

You might not use the sexiest JavaScript plugin…

¡Augh! ¿You mean I have to fuck FuckItJS ‘stead o’ Grunt? ¡Gross!

Your client just wants results and he wants them fast. He doesn’t care how they are achieved.

“Since your client’s too stupid to know what good or bad web design is, just cut corners as much as possible & flee with the phat loot before they find out that that table o’ product info was just a PNG you put in the middle o’ the page.”

We are proposing you a world of delegation, automation with great tools, so you can focus on solving difficult problems by using your designers and business knowledge. This is the way of a professional. This is the principle we embrace.

[Note: in the original article, “great tools” was a link to 1 o’ their own articles that opened in a new window, ’cause ‘course 1st Web Designer are those kind o’ assholes.]

Nothing’s mo’ professional than basing a client’s branding on a template already used by many, just as how professional businesses always just get their logos from clipart websites. I’m glad to see that they’ll help me “stand out from the crowd” by not putting any individual thought into my site’s programming or design, but will ‘stead just “delegate” & use “automation” for everything. They’ve certainly solved the “difficult problems” o’ how they can get paid without doing any work.

Despite my low standards, I think I’m going to skip the shilling o’ some vapid business cronies I care nothing ’bout. I ate too recently to watch the marketing equivalent o’ Super Hornio Bros.

After all o’ that—& it goes on fore’er—they ‘splain how one should learn the basics so they can figure out how to hire other people to actually do the work. That this already requires quite a lot o’ money is ne’er mentioned as a particular problem for our “1st Web Designer.” Presumably, our “1st Web Designer” must be born to a rich family willing to shell out so much money to start a whole business or have already earned money from different work for a’least a couple years. That or you rack up loans & hope you don’t fail—immensely responsible advice to give to inexperienced people.

So they finally get to the list o’ programming languages you should use & only 1.5 out o’ the 4 given @ best are actually programming languages. HTML could hardly be considered “programming” language; as its name indicates, it’s a hypertext, content language. It has no logic, just premade markup. CSS is a gray area: it does have some minimal cascading logic to it, & is beginning to come closer to programming with the introduction o’ variables, as well as the additions SASS & LESS add. WordPress is a content management system that can heavily be changed through the actual programming language that is PHP (¿Why isn’t it mentioned?), but is not a language in itself any mo’ than Mad Libs is a language ’cause it allows you to play round with English words & sentences to theoretically infinite levels.

But the platinum-seller is the 1st entry:

Adobe Photoshop for web design creation

I had to stop & think for a few minutes ’cause I couldn’t e’en think o’ what to say. I still can’t believe this was typed. This makes this writer fall from merely vapid ditziness to outright coma-level vegetable-mindedness. E’en my grandmother who only uses her computer to surf the internet & play Solitaire knows that Photoshop isn’t a god damn programming language. That’s ’bout as accurate as calling Tetris a programming langauge. ¡Super Mario World is mo’ a programming language than fucking Photoshop!

¿& who designs websites with Photoshop? I think you technically can using some obscure feature, but it’s certain to be e’en shittier than the puke spewed from those ol’ “Jimmy’s 1st Make Me a Website” disks that came in cereal boxes. ¿Do they mean planning how the website will look when it’s actually designed? E’en then just dicking round in Photoshop wouldn’t be sufficient. You still need to know what you can do & how you plan to do it & how different screen sizes or interactions will effect it. It’d be specially bad if one uses WordPress themes, since one—probably, since there’s no mention o’ PHP, which is a vital part o’ all themes—isn’t expected to actually look @ the theme’s code & therefore figure out how much one can change without changing the source code.

You will become irreplaceable. It is true that clients can find another good designer or programmer much easier but they will have difficulty finding a professional who understands what they need and will create a converting website.

What laughable arrogance coming from someone dumber ’bout the internet than an infant. Yes, it’s much harder to find people with concrete abilities than it is to find people with skills that are abstract meaninglessness—including the skill to plan to do something in the future. As for knowing what clients need: if the client needs a website @ all, then they’ll need it to fucking work, which means that one needs the concrete skills to ensure it works; I’d think that the people with knowledge o’ the technology ‘hind how websites work would have a greater understanding o’ what the client needs than knowing how to hire other people to do the work. If clients are smart ‘nough to figure out how to hire some douche who just hires other people, they should be smart ‘nough to just hire the people who actually know how to do the work themselves. This is ‘specially the case if the “professional” makes themselves look as unprofessional & incompetent as these guys. ¿Would you trust someone dumb ‘nough to think Photoshop is a programming language, cheap ‘nough to rely on templates & free clipart, & callous ‘nough to pooh-pooh the objective reality o’ how technology works in favor o’ empty rhetoric that literally doesn’t exist except as noises from their lips to know how to make sure your website works? I sure as fuck wouldn’t. I’d trust my 7-year-ol’ nephew to make me a website before I’d trust these hacks.

It’s ironic that 1st Web Designer would have the spine to call anyone else superfluous when they’re the most superfluous website in the world. Search the internet & tell me you can’t find the exact same shit they do—including their site’s design, which is literally based on a theme already used by other websites? The writing is nothing but clichés already written by a million other unoriginal narcissists on the web. That’s the greatest irony o’ these marketing hacks: for as much as they talk ’bout efficiency & eliminating superfluousness, their work is the most inefficient, superfluous filler in the world. While the web would break down without the programming ‘hind it, it’d be improved if 1st Web Designer & its ilk disappeared.

Then, predictably, they shill their own shit, since they have no shame, no principles, no redeeming factors whatsoever. I’m utterly depressed @ the potent mix o’ idiocy & ugliness 1st Web Designer exhibits.

OK, after downing a bottle o’ booze, I read ’bout their cheap web design course made for people allergic to putting any effort into anything & who just want to be tricked into thinking they’re great after a few hours o’ dicking round:

In 9 hours of video content, you will learn how to build website from scratch in Photoshop and then convert your PSD design to HTML5 and CSS3. Finally, we will also teach you how to use Bootstrap magic where you will learn how to convert website to fully responsive and functional WordPress website.

Frame this paragraph: this is the waving flag o’ mediocrity. This is how the word “decadent” came to mean “rich ditzes” ‘stead o’ just decay. In fact, I think they should replace that #getthatshitdoneson hashtag with #decayingbourgeoisie, but that would require that they can spell those words—or use their “get it done” skills to find someone else to do it for them.

OK, 1st… “build [sic] website from scratch in Photoshop” is hilarious—& not just ’cause o’ the typo. That’s like describing drawing as “drawing from scratch.” What, ¿do you think your readers are so mindless that they need a template to help them make still images? All you need is to drag rectangles. & if the plan involves mo’ detail—& the website, in fact, is mo’ detailed—then the tutorial could ne’er help—if we assume that this teaches them how to make an original website, which, now that I think ’bout it, we shouldn’t—’cause it’ll be different. That’s like making a “How to Write a Novel from Scratch” tutorial. Either it’ll be so broad that it’s useless or it’ll be so specific that it’s authorized plagiarism.

Which makes me realize that these writers’ ant-sized brains can’t comprehend that art requires actual individual thought. You can’t teach it with a step-by-step guide. (This applies to business, too—elsewise everyone without a conscience would be a successful businessperson; however, they write a blog that relies on WordPress themes, so they clearly aren’t successful businesspeople, either). They don’t understand art2. They don’t understand anything. They’re clueless. This is the dumb leading the dumb. What horror.

& there’s no such thing as “Bootstrap magic.” Computers don’t work on magic; they work on this li’l thing called science which is real & works a certain way & if you don’t know that way, you’re going to fuck up. You don’t need to know every li’l detail, but if you go in thinking that it’s just magic that always works ’cause you don’t let technology make you its bitch, you’re going to do a shitty job ’cause you’re clearly an idiot, & idiots have this funny tendency to fuck up, don’t ask me why.

What you are waiting for? Take your skills to the next level right now! Make sure 2015 is the year of changes and great achievement for you!

“It can be yours for only 5 monthly payments if you call 1-800-HACK-JOB in the next 2 minutes—that’s 1-800-HACK-JOB.”

What is your opinion about learning new programming languages versus learning business communication skills and delegating?

I don’t know: you still haven’t ‘splained how to do either, so you’re a fucking failure wherever the coin lands.


Footnotes:

  • [1]‘Cept blander—& when I praise the link repository that is Web Design Depot o’er your site, you know you’ve fucked up.
  • [2]Note: I consider programming an art, too.
Posted in Web Design, Yuppy Tripe

Problogger Is a Website that Focuses Mo’ on Commercial Factors than Intelligence- or Creativity-Based Factors, o’ which I Am Not Particularly Fond OR Problogger Fucking Blows

I’ve oft risked mental deterioration—e’en mo’ than what has already transpired—while perusing these money-grubbing hacks’ simplistic top-14 lists, but Problogger.net‘s so shitty it almost crashed my browser with its artery-clogging ads—the equivalent o’ having a trash can dumped onto your face. I know they’re the McDonalds o’ writing, but do they have to give my computer a heart attack as badly?

For god’s sake, they actually have a link in the top bar called «Make Money.» One with a smidgen o’ self-awareness would’ve realized that such lofty promises o’ riches are a stock joke.

Which made me realize: these websites are the modern form o’ those after-midnight infomercials. You know the 1s: with their tacky production values & lecherous ol’ men gripping tightly to their books in all-caps like drunken millennials1—«MAKE MONEY WHILE SCRATCHING YOUR ARMPITS.»

The web design certainly fits. Let’s gander @ all o’ the «business website» tropes seen in a million websites already:

1. Ugly bar @ top pestering me to join their newsletter.

Problogger‘s isn’t so bad, however, ’cause it disappears inexplicably after a while—so much so that it took me a while to make it reappear, to the point that I almost thought I only imagined it.

O wait, now I see: it’s s’posed to change, but that other stuff hadn’t loaded yet.

2. Ads to themselves—nobody else wants to waste money on their crap—that stay on-screen no matter how you scroll.

These are like telemarketers who breathe into your ear, «You can’t ‘scape from me darling»; & as hot as that is, rather than making them just stay in the same place using basic CSS, they for some reason added this delayed screeching animation like Wile E. Coyote.

O, & sometimes it doesn’t work, ’cause Problogger‘s scripting just sucks that much.

3. Content that’s inane or obvious.

Not only does this article have a title that screams, «¡We have all o’ the answers!» like a cult, their answer is simply «stuff that people want is what they want most.»

This article gives immensely rare advice, such as «be original,» «use storyboards,» & «understand how money works, dumbshit,» for planning.

4. Their style & diction makes me want to tear my eyeballs out.

Let’s face it.

Faking emphasis.

Through over use o’.

Rare breaches o’.

Proper writing style.

Doesn’t work.

When this rare tatic.

Is overused.

Any questions?

Yeah, ¿do you expect me to answer you through my monitor? Otherwise, ¿why would you be asking me a question?

¡If you have any questions, post a comment!

To be fair, «Let’s get hacking,» is honest.

They also use buzzwords like «effective» that Dilbert’s been making fun o’ since the last few decades.

5. They take ideas from that hack Goins.

This brilliant idea involves manufacturing a «struggle»; make oneself an artificial Cesar Chavez, but ‘stead o’ the goal being to help fruit-picking workers not have to use said fruit as their toilet, make the goal ’bout oneself getting as much money as possible. An honest person would call this «emotional manipulation»: tricking dopes into loving you even though you only love their money. This is, indeed, an effective trick, though 1 that doesn’t need the silly euphemism o’ «fight.»

6. They praise not doing anything as the key to success.

I never understand how this fits with the optimistic tone: success isn’t based on how much work you put in, but that you think & look as some hive mind wants. Where I come from, this is called an Orwellian nightmare. ¡No thanks! Silly ol’ me would rather succeed by working hard & still maintaining a shred o’ individuality, thanks.

7. They created this eldritch nightmare o’ English, the apex o’ cottonswabbery.

Please don’t make me discuss it.


Footnotes:

1 Just ’cause I’m in their age group doesn’t mean I’m 1 o’ them, ¿you hear me?

¿How can you hear me through this article? ¡Stop that wizardry, now!

Posted in Uncategorized, Web Design, Yuppy Tripe