The Mezunian

Die Positivität ist das Opium des Volkes, aber der Spott ist das Opium der Verrückten


O, please, give me your sour & sweet poisoned,

juicy starburst dripping with the rich twist o’ cyanide-pill chalk,

heart-spiking sugar sharks,

thick aquariums o’ soft & safe booze

to fill my villi stomach with revolting microbes,

& causing my membrane to flap…

Year-end songs—
Flutters so much. Please rest,
bloody heart. kill ‘nother day,

till they’re all dumped ‘way in 1 freeing slam—

¡& those slams!

dig my teeth in that always-itching hand…

That’s what I need…

Wenn ich will zu überleben, muss der infektion sterben.

¡But it just laughs @ my flaccid face!—

bubbling ‘way safe in its cozy case

so smooth…

& I get to collect all the cracks so cooool.

…& how my ears spread spears straight into my eyes

from the cries o’ my nails you roughed up with your glass.

Aber wenn ich brauche…

wenn ich brauche…

ich brauche…

necesito escapar…

It’s not o’er.

It’s not o’er being o’er.

Not by a long throw.

C’est tout que je sais.

There will be glue,

& when there’s glue,

there’s paste,

& when there’s paste,

we’ll erase all the cracks,

& drink.

& I am so very thirsty, please.

Und das ist was ich brauche…

das ist was ich wirklich brauche…

[…e poi venne la statica…]



Well, OK…

I guess I’ll just have the Chocolate Coke, ‘stead.

Thank you.

Posted in Crazy, Deutsch, Española, Haiku, Senryu y amigos, Poetry

Hearth Factory Sonnet

Note: I was going to “celebrate” Marxmas by posting an article wherein I shit on Marxism & it’s stupid “Dictatorship of the Proletariat” bullshit, ’cause, as predicted, 2015 was a bad year, & that’s what you do on years without a warm future. But I’m sick to death o’ politics (& don’t have the time to revise it to coherency), so enjoy this superior, relaxing sonnet ‘stead.

Accompanying music.

I can feel your yellow heart

piping spice in frozen nights,

where your sturdy metal starts

bending in such smoke so tight,

snuggled up with razor noise,

which is where the fireworks bloom,

showing off your rusty toys,

like your gurgling cauldron plume.

Though I rest in cotton caves,

your gears’ll never wane,

even when I’m in my grave.

Posted in Metered, Mezunian Sonnet, Poetry

Keynes’s Greatest Fan Offers Advice On How to Help the “Left”: Do Exactly As He Says ‘Cause He Says So

Lord Keynes is so fervent a follower o’ the “Post-Keynesian” cult that he literally named himself after Keynes—something I don’t e’en think Marxists or Misesians have e’er done; & when you look mo’ cultish than Marxists & Austrian-schoolers, you know you’re fucking something up.

Anyway, he wrote his own list o’ principles for his Keynesian Manifesto for Milquetoast Liberals that isn’t based on hardly any arguments—’cept the controversial proposition 9, which I’ll get to—so much as knee-jerk rants gainst petty annoyances some yahoos on YouTube have caused him. He demands that the vacuous blob known only abstractly as “the Left” obey these laws @ once or suffer the worst punishment known to civilization: being made fun o’ by a tiny cobble o’ rich white men whom the vast majority o’ the world have ne’er heard o’. I’m sure these thought criminals will totally fall on their knees & beg “Lord” Keynes for forgiveness, saying, “¡You’re totally right! I have seen the light o’ your clearly self-evident Bible passages,” & not laugh in derision @ him & forget ’bout it when they get distracted by some silly “Lenincat” picture, or whatever stupid shit Millennials like to waste their time on.

The 1st rule is that one must give up Marxism & bourgeoisie big-C “Communism” (li’l-C “communism’s” still OK, though, as well as “socialism,”—¡Such as Magical Socialism! ¡We’re in the clear!—“collectivism,” & whatever other meaningless words you like). This is ’cause believing in these things will automatically make you totalitarian, since some Marxists ran totalitarian countries (some Keynesians did, too, & some Marxists won seats in parliamentary systems; but that’s irrelevant). See, Engels—who is Marx’s alter-ego, by the way—once said that revolution was “authoritarian,” & Keynes interprets that to mean “totalitarian,” e’en though Engels clearly meant “the masses committing mass violence”—also known as war, which is how “revolutions” kind o’ work—not a tiny group controlling the majority completely (to be fair, said “revolutions” could certainly be described as “horrific” by people who find not living in a miserable war zone to be quite comfortable; just not “totalitarian.”). Clearly, believing in Marxism means believing everything Marx believed. Similarly, in order to believe in Keynesianism, one must believe in eugenics, since Keynes believed that1, & we don’t want to be a hypocrite, ¿do we, Lord Keynes, Master Debater?

The 2nd rule is basically the true crux o’ the 1st, making the 1st redundant. Great editing, Lord Keynes.

It’s the most important: everyone must obey my particular ideology. It’s strange how many ideologies, no matter how different, demand this rule. & it’s e’en stranger how there’s so many people who refuse to obey it.

Still, we shouldn’t discount Lord Keynes, for he did give a solid defense o’ Post-Keynesianism. It’s just truly well hidden (well, ‘cept for lists o’ books you have to pay for–¡You can join the Grand Order o’ Keynes’s Ghost for only 20 payments o’ $19.99 if you call within the next 10 minutes!)

&, hey, the 3rd rule is just an extension o’ the 2nd rule, banning e’en mo’ thought crimes that conflict with God’s chosen economic philosophy (‘cept, in God’s defense, a’least mo’ than 1% o’ the population gives a shit ’bout God, whereas nobody cares ’bout Post-Keynesianism, or any economic philosophy, save something ‘long the lines o’, “the government’s doing too much for other people & not ‘nough for me”).

4 & 5 are both the same, & thus shouldn’t be divided. It’s the same PC schlock that Jonathan Chait spewed: Lord Keynes’s butthurt ’bout some “real” (no evidence given, though, so we’ll just have to trust the unquestionable wisdom o’ Lord Keynes’s Li’l Red Blog Post) conspiracy o’ feminists & civil rights fanatics to keep idiots like Lord Keynes from saying stupid things—as we can clearly see he’s unable to do in this blog post he didn’t post.

Also note that gender, racial, & other class issues “draw attention” from “serious” economic issues, says the unbiased economist. I’m sure every black person reading this (0) will be thinking, “You’re right: my fear o’ being murdered by corrupt police is so unimportant. I should focus all my attention on Lord Keynes’s need to constantly feel smug superiority @ having his philosophical neuroses stroked, since he’s so important, & I’m just some shabby regular person.”

Though many o’ these points show it (see proposition 9 later), I think this best shows what I think would be the best advice: ignore the sham that is the “Left.” &, better: women, black people, LGBQT, & people who think Super Mario World is better than Super Mario Bros. 3 (sniff, we’re the true victims): I’d recommend you tell Post-Keynesians to go fuck themselves & ignore them. Lord Keynes has already said flat-out that he doesn’t give a shit ’bout your feelings or concerns; ¿why should you care ’bout his? He can’t e’en say, like most exploitive moderate liberals, that you need Post-Keynesians ’cause they’re purportedly the only ones who can save you from the concentration camps that conservatives are planning to set up if they have power; he already said straight-out that he considers your issues utterly unimportant—in fact, worse, that they are hindering distractions. ¿Why not consider Post-Keynesian pseudoscientific garbage a distraction from true, concrete issues & ignore them?

See, that’s what the “Left” is: it’s a way for narrow interests to try snaring everyone else into serving them without caring ’bout others’ interests. It’s nothing but political narcissism. & that ‘splains why the “Left” is such a vague blob o’ a concept: what is “true” leftism depends on whom you’re talking to. Obviously a woman who’s been raped (or just ‘fraid to be, ’cause look @ the statistics on sexual assault) will consider feminism to be the utmost o’ leftism, just as a poor white male will consider economics the heart o’ leftism, or rich white men who spend their lives studying abstract bullshit that’s ’bout as important as the statistics in Pokémon will consider the heart to be some abstract bullshit ’cause that’s what’s most important in their empty vessel o’ a wasted existence.

The 6th principle calls for Western leaders who commit war crimes to be actually charged for it, e’en though the chances o’ such calls actually succeeding are ’bout the same as the chances o’ the Zombie Marx rising from his grave & riding in on his flying phallosaurus to bring communism & letsstickdicksineachothersbumsism to everyone—as prophesized in The Economicon. This would be especially hard in the US, where I’m pretty certain every president’s committed some war crimes–a’least according to Lord Keynes’s & my favorite almost-dead white male.

Hey, wait a minute: so class issues are distractions from the “serious” economic issues, ¿but putting politicians no longer e’en in power in jail isn’t? Lord Keynes must truly not care ’bout people who aren’t white & male.

The 7th principle is that leftists must finally stop spewing such nonsense that Super Mario World is better than Super Mario—

O, all right, the true 7th principle is just ‘nother dig @ postmodernism—which is just the name everyone gives to any philosophy that one can’t understand, whether it’s due to that person’s idiocy or the philosophy’s idiocy with communication (to be fair, it’s usually the latter). It also strangely argues that the left should stop being so open ’bout religion in politics & school—as the left always is, ‘course.

So, basically, my version would’ve been as relevant.

This becomes funnier when Sir Phillip Pilkington–disguised as “The Illusionist” to protect him from all the communist spies lurking ’bout who won’t let him join their club–calls LK a hypocrite for supporting what rich organizations called “colleges” call “science” in every other subject, but criticizes mainstream economics–which, by definition, makes Lord Keynes “fringe” in economics. Lord Keynes is, ‘course, not impressed by this logic; clearly the economists aren’t scientists, while the others are, ’cause that’s just objectively true–I just say so.

You appear to be saying that when policy-makers need advice they shouldn’t — as a general principle — turn to experts?

Again, this is totally absurd. The problem you are referring to is that they are asking the WRONG experts **in some cases**. Are you going to tell me that if a UK government called in leading UK Post Keynesian economists to give policy advice that this would be wrong?

No, see, the narrow elites who try to control people are OK if they’re “Post-Keynesians,” ’cause “Post-Keynesians” are “good,”–we could e’en call them “proletarian”–while the “Neoclassicals” are “bad”–“bourgeois,” we could say.

“The Illusionist” has a hilarious response to Lord Keynes’s claim that he believes that the earth revolving round the sun is a conspiracy by the League o’ Evil Scientists:

That’s not what I’m saying. Read my comments and try again.

This is similar to Keynes’s reaction–in the comments o’ this 100th time he reiterated his views on the Labor Theory o’ Value, since the man loves padding his blog to a billion posts–to someone criticizing his interpretation while still criticizing Marx–also known as this mysterious species LK has ne’er heard o’ before called “someone with a speck o’ independent thought”:

So, wait, you are not a Marxist but you write comments that sound like you are defending the LTV, the core of Marxism?

Lord Keynes’s 4-bit brain short-circuited @ this logical impossibility so much that he somehow missed the “An Anarchist FAQ” under the guy’s name. Reading comprehension’s muy importante, LK.

But this just demonstrates Lord Keynes’s simple-minded thinking. Though sometimes, just due to the law o’ averages, he’s logical or accurate (when there are authentic flaws in his opponent ideologies), it’s clear that he doesn’t care a pixel ’bout truth, but ’bout trying to bulk his petty ideology on the flimsiest foundation possible. & despite his sneers gainst the crazy, extreme laissez-faire libertarians & Marxists, he consistently proves himself to be just as theocratic–it’s just that the Bible he’s thumping is Keynes’s works, ‘stead o’ Marx’s or Rothbard’s.

Anyway, the 8th principle is Lord Keynes’s hate gainst the EU, supposedly in support for “national democracy” (though without supporting authentic, direct democracy within those actual countries) but truly ’cause it’s a block to his ideology. That he calls it “one of the most outrageously regressive forces in the world today” is hilarious. Forget ’bout the distraction that is the Middle Easterners being blown into Mortal Kombat gibs by drones; ¡the EU’s policies are inspired by a belief in exogenous money!

& the 9th, controversial principle, is that Europeans need to learn to stop immigrants from coming in, which leftists bizarrely support—almost as if they seem to care ’bout these “racial equality” distractions that keep getting the ‘way o’ poor white bigots getting their rightfully-earned welfare—unlike those nonwhites, who are just sponges.

This is given 3 reasons:

1. Consistent immigrant tolerance is apparently “anarcho-capitalist libertarian,” & thus “crazy.” It would cause “catastrophe” that “everyone sensible can see”—¡it’s so obvious that Lord Keynes doesn’t e’en have to bother providing evidence!

2. The majority is gainst immigrant tolerance, & rather than, I dunno, maybe trying to change the majority’s mind while keeping some modicum o’ independent thought, we should just obey what the majority says. So much for communists being “hive-minded” & Keynesians for supporting “liberal individualism.” That the group o’ eligible voters from which this “majority” comes doesn’t include said immigrants doesn’t make this fact any mo’ surprising than the fact that rich people generally oppose welfare for poor people—it’s this li’l thing we call “narcissism.” But this becomes laughable when they pretend that this is based on some “liberal principles” & not the fact that they just-as-greedily shove classes lower that themselves out o’ economic prosperity with police force as the conservative businesses do to European-born lower-classes.

3. Immigrants get in the way o’ pure-born Westerners getting mo’ money. Why leftists should care mo’ ’bout spoiled Westerners than starving immigrants from war-torn countries is a mystery. But then, that’s the pattern o’ hypocritical moderate liberals: they pretend that they’re fighting gainst those greedy, powerful rich people while helping the middle class fuck o’er authentically poor people. Since they don’t give a shit ’bout other people, the rational response is to not give a fuck ’bout them. Fuck Europeans: let them starve as hard as Africans.

Also, apparently these immigrants aren’t authentically destitute people desperate for a way to stay ‘live, but a conspiracy created by Big Business® to foil the working class.


Also, ¿am I the only one who realized that “Post-Keynesian” means “after Keynes”–as in, rejecting Keynes & going past him? ¿Why, then, are so many “Post-Keynesians” such worshippers o’ Keynes?

¿Am I also the only one who’s noticed that any ideology beginning with “post” is vapid nonsense?

Other fine work by Lord Keynes:

Dead White Males Defended by White Male (& from the Looks o’ Him, Probably on his Way toward Death) Noam Chomsky

All right, all right: sorry for being so “politically incorrect” with you Anti-PC Nazis. Wouldn’t want any white men to cry.

OK, I understand plenty o’ black people saying, “Hey, you know, maybe I can like some Aristotle, too, e’en if he doesn’t have the same amount o’ melanin in him—I mean, I don’t complain ’bout all the whites I see rapping ‘long with Jay-Z.” & since I can imagine tons o’ black people thinking that way, I’m just thinking, ¿wouldn’t it have helped Lord Keynes’s case if he could’ve found just 1 black person saying this, & not some white guy pretending to know how black people think? If the Republican Party can find a’least 3, it shouldn’t be that hard for Post-Keynesians. I mean, you guys don’t want to be whiter than the Republican Party, ¿do you? That’s like solar-eclipse-flare white.

Karl Marx’s Night Out on London Town

This is meant to slander the Zombie Marx as some uncouth rapscallion who would ne’er fit in with clean bougie types like Keynes; but ‘stead it makes me wonder why Keynes ne’er did badass shit like this (& still produced mediocre economics based on just-as-simplistic deductive bullshit).

Marx’s Phrenology and Racial Views

¡& here’s ‘nother! (¿What, no mention o’ Marx calling Ferdinant Lassalle the N-word, & calling his “importunity” “nigger-like,” as well as mocking all his filthy Jewishness, all ’cause he wouldn’t give Marx money so Marx could pay his rent [¿Didn’t Lassalle realize that his interest & capital were guaranteed?]? I guess in this case Lord Keynes’s rabid anti-PC fanaticism actually supplanted his rabid anti-Marxist fanaticism somehow.)

My favorite part is the Glenn-Beck-style bullshit @ the end:

Finally, lest I be accused of trying to use ad hominem argument, let me state that of course none of this disproves any of Marx’s ideas on economics at all, which stand and fall on their own merits. I am simply interested in Marx’s personal opinions and intellectual ideas [emphasis on the apex o’ bullshittery mine]

& then there’s the comments section o’ “Karl Popper on the Labor Theory of Value”

Read on as Lord Keynes somehow makes a ditzy Marxist Utopianist look less Utopianist with Lord Keynes’s “government guaranteed minimal income (say, $40,000) and transfer payments to people who lack inherited wealth or money savings” plan, that can be proven to be practical by the fact that we have a welfare system where we throw the dirty poors a few bones—that, & apparently using fantasy economies made up in Lord Keynes’s head is perfectly valid… so long as they back Post-Keynesian rules. Those familiar with Post-Keynesianism will recognize this as the same tactic neoclassicals use to defend their bullshit (¡don’t forget Noah Smith’s sci-fi thriller with the income distribution that randomly & abruptly changes!), which Post-Keynesians criticize them for. After all, Post-Keynesians are s’posed to be the ones who look @ the economy as it truly is… ‘less that gets in the way o’ moderate liberals’ equally-contrived—though mo’ boring—Utopian nonsense.

Here Lord Keynes Jerks Off to Christopher Hitchens

No surprise, he just praises Hitchens for things that follow Lord Keynes’s particular beliefs & bashes anything that strays. Anyone intelligent would find it worse to share beliefs with Hitchens, since he was a loudmouthed moron who replaced logic with bombastic style & thus soiled any ideology his lips have e’er kissed. That was why Fox News loved having him on, e’en before his conversion to neoconservativism: his loudmouthed jackassery perfectly fit the conservative stereotype o’ atheists–& Hitchens fit that shit like a latex glove.

I especially love Lord Keynes’s acute psychoanalysis skills:

[L]ike so many left-wing intellectuals and especially members of the New Left generation, he obviously thought it was “cool” to be a Marxist[.]

You could say that the Marxisms “got all the fishsticks in their grits,” as those “down with the sickness” say.

This is right up there with Mises’s The Anti-Capitalist Mentality in the study o’ bullshit ideologues pull out their asses to distract from actual logical points for which they have li’l to contribute.

Lord Keynes is stupid when he’s praising someone & he’s stupid when he’s bashing them. I sense a pattern…

Lord Keynes bitches ’bout how nobody likes the moderate left now

‘Course, this is due to the moderate left not becoming brainwashed by fringe economic pseudoscience & caring mo’ ’bout the feelings o’ psychologically-traumatized people not to be traumatized o’er privileged white idiots saying stupid shit, & not due to the moderate left just sucking ass.

This Article is Authentically Delightful to Read

¡Ha, ha, ha! ¡Yes!¡ You catch those Russian spies led by Lord Palmerston–or as most people call him, “He Who Shall Not Be Named,”–Marx! ¡They’re trying to take ‘way our bazookas!

O, all right, his critical summaries o’ Das Kapital & the Labor Theory are mostly free o’ bullshit

I’m actually mo’ bummed out by LK’s stupidity than I am by the others I mocked. I don’t have any faith in Noah Smith, Mankiw, or any o’ the numbskulls @ the churches o’ Mises to e’er become anything but clowns for me to mock; but LK could have the potential to be in the narrow category o’ people who write ’bout economics & aren’t numbskulls2 if he could free himself from the clutches o’ the Cult o’ Keynes.


[1] After all, the working class are too “drunken and ignorant” to keep from filling the world with their filth says the great Moderate Liberal Prophet who will totally be the savior for the lower class by bashing them in the most bigoted o’ terms

Lord Keynes, e’er the ideologically-blind hypocrite, would argue that Engels’s views on authoritarianism are intrinsic to communism—he did invent communism all by himself, after all—but is indignant @ the ad hominem in people who imply that Keynes’s elitist hatred o’ weaker classes has anything to do with a philosophy that supports having a tiny cabal o’ upper-class people known as a “parliament” dictate what is good for the lower classes—since the lower classes are clearly too drunken & ignorant to decide for themselves.

[2] For the record, I am not a part o’ this class–but only ’cause I don’t support any o’ your filthy bourgeois classes. Only clean bourgeois classes for me, thanks.

Posted in Politics


Dear Luigi,

I know you’ve ne’er heard o’ me before, & that an absolute nobody like me shouldn’t waste your time with irrelevant talk when you still have so much important ghost-catching work to do, but I just wanted to tell you how much o’ a fan o’ you I am & that, whatever anyone else says, you’re still the 1st player in my heart.

I’m probably being presumptuous,—especially since, e’en if everyone else seems to think you’re 2nd to Mario, well, that’s still ‘bove almost all the rest o’ us—but I feel like I sorta feel the same way, but e’en worse. See, I have this “amazing” older sister, Angelita, whom everyone thinks is so great & so shiny & so powerful & has so much experience… I still remember in secondary school this Lakitu who was s’posed to be going out with me, but I later found out only pretended to so he could get closer to my sister, telling me once that she was such a “rare encounter.”

I know I probably shouldn’t be wasting your valuable time whining. I just wanted to let you know, if you cared—not that I think you’re callous or anything; I just mean that I’m not important ‘nough to care ’bout is all—why I look up to you so much, & was wondering if maybe you could sign this copy o’ Luigi’s Mansion for me, please, so I’ll have something to give me a milliliter o’ warmth when I wake up in the morn. & maybe if it’s possible I could e’en meet you sometime—but it’s OK if we can’t; the autograph by itself would be like a thousand 3-up moons.

Thank you for reading my long, pathetic scribblings without burning this into a million ashes.

¡Luigi fan numbah 1!

Dear Luigi,

Sorry to be bugging you. I just wasn’t sure if you received my last letter. If so, you can just ignore this 1.

If you didn’t receive my last letter, I just wrote to say how I’m such a fan o’ yours & how I myself have an older sister whom everyone loves mo’ than me & just asked if you could sign a copy o’ Luigi’s Mansion for me (I’ve played it & Dark Moon so much that I’m able to A rank the former on Hidden Mansion PAL in less than 1 hour & 28 minutes & can 3-star & 100% all o’ the latter in ’bout 3 hours ;) ).

You have no idea how uplifting hearing back would be. Thank you so much.

¡Luigi fan numbah 1!

Dear Luigi,

I’m sorry. I’m sure you’ve gotten my other letters & are just too busy to read them, as well as all the others I’m sure you get from people far mo’ important. I’m just sending this to be extra sure. Maybe Parakarry lost 2 o’ them.

If you did receive the other 2 & just aren’t responding ’cause I’m being annoying or rude—people say I’m annoying a lot—please just send me a short letter telling me so. It’s so hard for me to stare @ the mailbox every day, perking up when I see Parakarry actually open my mailbox, only to get credit card offers & election ads. If you could just send me 1 letter telling me to screw off or something, a’least I wouldn’t need anything mo’ to expect…

Thank you still, though.


Dear Luigi,

Luigi, or anyone else who might be reading this for Luigi (you seem like an important ‘nough guy to warrant a personal assistant–& if not, I’d love to take the offer), I know I’ve been annoying & whiny & just everything bad, but could you please send me any kind o response—anything will do. I know I’ve probably been wasting your time & that I’m a complete stranger & that I truly know nothing ’bout you, but I feel as if I have nothing with which to help me & was hoping that e’en this sliver o’ a similarity ‘tween us would make you able or willing to help me in a way that nobody else is.

I know I probably shouldn’t say this, but I bought a poison mushroom a few weeks ago & have been thinking o’ eating it. ¿I mean, what value do I have? Nobody needs a “2nd player enemy”; & I’m not e’en 2nd place, but all the way in last, e’en under the lowest Goomba. ¿Why waste precious memory when there are so many better sprites that could use it? Especially when, not to whine, but waking up every day with my worthlessness, hated e’en by underrated people like you, has been so unbearable…

I just wanted to ask for your advice on the subject, since you seem like such a wise person on feeling low, since I’ve seen you sometimes feel low compared to your older brother.


Dear Luigi,

You’re right: ’twas stupid o’ me to procrastinate when I know I should just get it o’er with. Thank you for everything.



Dear Bellis,

I’m so very sorry that I didn’t respond till now. I was in a party that would not end because the Wario robot would not stop to use the wristwatch item. I’m sorry also for writing badly: Mario & I still aren’t very good @ English.

I’m always proud to get requests for autographs & am especially happy that you are so much a fan o’ li’l ol’ me. I am also sorry for hearing that you feel inferior than your older sister. If it makes you feel better, maybe someday you’ll win a fake contest & need to save your older sister from ghosts & get your own game! (Just be careful ’bout the ghosts themselves, hee hee).

Thank you for writing & I hope to get ‘nother letter soon.

Your green friend,

Posted in Short Stories

When that Ol’ Curmudgeon Mezun isn’t Ranting ‘Bout All Bananas Being “Socially-Necessary Labor Time,” He’s Babbling On ‘Bout the Good Ol’ Days o’ those there Pokémons

Though it seems both a lot o’ fans agree with me, I’ll admit that my preference for generation 2 probably stems from nostalgia, as ’twas the 1st Pokémon game I e’er played, when I was 9. I’ll admit that my preference for the original Game Boy Color versions o’er the DS versions, which fans seem to prefer, probably does, too.

For the latter comparison, this mainly stems from aesthetics. Call it shallow, but I’m an artsy type & consider aesthetics to be as integral a part to a video game as to any painting or movie, as integral as style & diction are to literature. Gold, Silver, & Crystal were probably some o’ the most gorgeous 8-bit graphics e’er, save for maybe Kirby’s Adventure or some o’ the Mega Man games; generation 4 had early-N64-quality 3D graphics. I may be making this all up in my head, but I always felt that the 2nd generation games had a sort o’ watercolor look to them—probably ’cause the official art @ that period had that look. You know, wherein everything didn’t look perfectly colored-in. Take this official art for Feraligatr. ¿See the way Feraligatr’s highlights were smudgy whites?

& don’t get me started on the music; the remakes utterly butchered most o’ them. Songs that were mostly simple & melodic in tone became jangling messes o’ bell notes. Listen to what they did to “Goldenrod City”1: if you listen closely, you can kinda hear the original song buried in the mountain o’ notes. Or how ’bout “Dark Cave”: the original’s crunchy riffs become washed-out generic sounds. It’s like watching your favorite maple tree from your childhood home be chopped down & replaced by cheap office plants. Fuck Mother 3‘s or any o’ those games’ “sad” storylines; if you truly want me to cry @ a video game, make me listen to HGSS “Dark Cave.” In general, the remake’s music is washed-out messes o’ what were originally clear & focused songs, with only maybe the “Kanto Wild Pokémon” theme being an improvement. That’s probably why they put in a way to listen to the original soundtrack: they knew they fucked up. But in order to use that, you have to pretty much beat the whole game, ¿so what’s the point, ‘less you’re anal ‘nough to fuck round with collecting Pokémon or creating Pokémon with perfect IVs & Evs & all that shit.

The 1st generation games’ remakes also had inferior music to the originals’. Oddly, the 1st generation games’ music, when it wasn’t obnoxious nursery-rhyme shlock that makes me need an aspirin, like “Celadon City,” it’s actually rather menacing music for children’s games. I mean, it’s not frightening or anything; but it’s certainly not happy. While I remembered the infamous “Lavender Town” & “Pokémon Tower,” which are ghostly places, so it’s expected, I didn’t remember till much older that “Viridian Forest,” the song that plays in 1 o’ the earliest areas, where you catch Pikachu & fight Metapods that can’t e’en do shit to your Pokémon, goes “DUN DUN DUN DUN, DUN DUN DUN DUN” like the soundtrack to some countdown to mass destruction.

In general, the 1st generation games seemed eerier, probably due to their old aesthetics that bordered on awkward. I don’t know why, but ’cause the graphics & music were less complicated they felt dimmer. Granted, the fact that the graphics were so ghastly that most o’ the Pokémon looked like eldritch abominations & that the official sound track had an echo effect to it (as well as the stranger fight sounds & Pokémon cries added in) helped. Strangely, this didn’t apply to the 2nd generation games, which felt much brighter & softer in tone.

Still, like the 2nd generation (though not as much), the 1st generation’s original music matched the right tone better than the remakes’. The remakes felt brighter & cleaner, & its music felt softer. I’m sorry, but the remakes’ “Lavender Town” will ne’er be as eerie as the originals’. That said, it’s not as bad a butchering as Heart Gold & Soul Silver. The mo’ jangling songs, like “Cerulean & Fuscia Cities” actually sound better. Hell, e’en their remixes o’ 2nd generation songs “Violet City” & “Azalea Town” sound better in Leaf Green & Fire Red than Heart Gold & Soul Silver.

I will admit, however, that I have some nostalgia for the 1st generation remakes, though I’m not sure if it’s any mo’ than the originals (or a’least Yellow). I think I’d still prefer the aesthetics o’ the original. In addition to the music fitting the tone better, I rather like the effect o’ the changing monochrome in Game Boy Color Yellow or Super Game Boy Red & Blue.

Interestingly, while I have huge nostalgia for generation 2 due to being so fond & familiar with it, I’ve become somewhat sick o’ generation 1 ’cause o’ how familiar I am with it. Whereas generation 2’s Pokémon, music, towns, gym leaders, & graphics are rare ‘nough in general Pokémon media to still feel somewhat fresh, the originals, due to being the originals, are all o’er. ¿Who isn’t already immensely familiar with all o’ the 1st 150 Pokémon, or the towns, or the music, & all that? ¿Who’s mo’ familiar with Silver & his lustuous long red hair than Blue or mo’ familiar with that whiny asshole Whitney & her Mootank than Brock or Misty.

1 thing the 1st generation did better than the 2nd generation, & both did better than most o’ their followers, was give the player mo’ control o’er how they proceed through the game. Sure, you have to beat Brock & Misty @ the beginning if you don’t cheat or screw with glitches, but other than beating Koga before Blane (so you can surf to Cinnabar) & beating Giovanni last, you can fight the gym leaders in any order. The 3-by-3 grid layout o’ the heart o’ Kanto probably was the best layout o’ any Pokémon game. You could get to most towns through multiple directions, with mo’ opening up as you progress further—mainly after you get the guards their lemonade or tea. I believe the 2nd generation games did allow one to go rightward after Goldenrod ‘stead o’ leftward, but I ne’er went that way, since it’s less convenient. Still, it’s sad that the later generations didn’t allow players nearly as much creativity in how they can progress through the game, ‘specially since the looseness o’ Pokémon’s difficulty (e’en Pokémon who are dozens o’ levels ‘bove yours can easily be beaten if one has a good team) would make this easier than in an action game.

Apparently the generation 3 games are viewed as a low point in the series, but though I do remember feeling rather bummed out ’bout not being able to trade ‘tween it & the previous generations & not being able to go to previous regions, I don’t remember e’en letting that influence my opinion o’ the games that much. Ironically, I remember when I 1st saw screenshots for Ruby & Sapphire I was awestruck by how much better they looked than the previous generations—¡actual backgrounds in battles! ¡No mo’ fighting in white voids!

While people harangue this generation for not bringing back day & night changes from generation 2 (¿why don’t they complain ’bout generation 6 not bringing back seasons from generation 5?), they ignore the many improvements generation 3 made. This was where abilities originated & where the berry, Pokémon stats, Pokémon box, & item systems were rehauled into something less simplistic & tedious. Also, while not as cheesily fun as Team Rocket or the odd mix o’ cheesiness & actual threat as Team Plasma, Teams Aqua & Magma were probably the best-written villains o’ the series (they were also the most subtle). Their goal was the most believable & they weren’t nearly as strawmanned as any o’ the other villains. Team Rocket outright calls themselves evil; Team Galactica have stupid motivations & are otherwise forgettable as the rest o’ that generation; Team Plasma & Team Flare are too ludicrous to take seriously, & the latter’s motivations were also silly (the closest I could comprehend was that Lyssandre believed in a lot o’ outdated economics, like some Malthusian shit & the ol’ myth that the world is o’erpopulated & that that’s bringing economies down).

The generation that I feel is the low point is the 4th generation, which infects my view o’ the Gold, Silver, & Crystal remakes mentioned ‘bove. I don’t know, Diamond, Pearl, & Platinum just felt bland—like Game Freak were just phoning it in. Whereas I feel as if all o’ the other generations had some freshness—like Game Freak were making a new Pokémon game with new elements that made them feel different—the 4th generation felt sterile. Yeah, they brought back day-&-night cycles, & added internet & a touch screen as practically mandatory for a DS game; but what did generation 4 truly contribute, save for mostly forgettable Pokémon & the physical/special divide that technically had already been implemented in Pokémon XD. I didn’t feel as if these games had a personality @ all. The 2nd generation games had the intermeshing o’ modernity & tradition, with the contrast o’ the glitzy cities like Goldenrod gainst the ol’ towns like Ecruteak & Kanto, which was both familiar & changed @ the same time. I’ve heard many who discuss the game describe it as feeling closer to the previous generation than any other generation did to any other; but that closeness seems to make the differences feel stronger. Generation 6 also seemed to have something like this, which I’ll discuss later. Meanwhile, the 3rd & 5th generations felt like reboots that seemed to jolt life into the series. Generation 4 doesn’t seem to have any o’ that, though: it somehow doesn’t feel particularly different or similar to any o’ the other generations.

But worse than that, Diamond & Pearl just feel clunky. They’re so slow that it’s almost intolerable to play. Pokémon balancing is terrible: there’s only 2 fire Pokémon lines in the entire main game, & 1 o’ those are 1 o’ the starters. If you don’t pick the fire monkey (see, I don’t e’en remember this generation’s Pokémon names), you’re stuck with Ponyta or no fire Pokémon @ all. This despite the fact that 1 o’ the Elite Four trainers specializes in fire Pokémon—’cept since there are so few fire Pokémon, he’s stuck with a bunch o’ irrelevant Pokémon. You’d think @ that point they’d realized they fucked up, but they apparently didn’t. I don’t know: I feel as if there was less attention put into this generation—that they were just filling in #s rather than creating a game they actually cared ’bout. I guess Platinum apparently fixed some o’ these; but the 3rd game o’ a generation shouldn’t fix a game. Yellow, Crystal & Emerald didn’t have to fix their originals ’cause the originals were still good.

To show that this isn’t just ’cause I’m an ol’ curmudgeon who hates anything new (I just realized that the 4th generation is almost a decade ol’), I actually remember being excited ’bout generation 5 when ’twas coming out & finding that it mostly met that hype. Unlike generation 4, which did li’l interesting for the franchise & was barely playable—seriously, it’s that sluggish—I remember generation 5 improved a lot o’ elements that many were clamoring for: making TMs not disappear after being used, changing that awful beeping when a Pokémon’s life is low, talking ’bout the ethical issues o’ Pokémon raising & the idea o’ someone trying to dominate the world by monopolizing all Pokémon (maybe this latter was just what I was clamoring for). Its Pokémon designs also seemed mo’ memorable, but I guess most people have mixed views ’bout that. I hear many complain ’bout how they hate Pokémon who are inanimate objects & are simple, whereas I like these Pokémon & hate the Pokémon they like: that same dog- or beast-shaped design they use for almost every modern legendary with a million seemingly random spikes (the primary legendary for the 4th & 5th generations are ample examples). I don’t know ’bout you, but I thought the trash bag & snowcone Pokémon were hilariously awesome. ¿& how could anyone hate those jangling keys, Klefki?

Speaking o’ generation 6, it’s OK. 1 interesting thing ’bout it is the counterpoint it makes to generation 5’s treatment o’ Pokémon inclusion: whereas the 5th generation had the most new Pokémon since the 1st generation & only used those new Pokémon, generation 6 has the least & focuses on mixing together the Pokémon from all the earlier generations, with a li’l mo’ focus on some o’ the ignored Pokémon, like Mareep (granted, there are still a lot o’ Pidgey & Zubats). I guess Mega Evolutions are fun & they improved a lot o’ tedious stuff, like having to use Max Repels manually each time 1 runs out & letting one ask for Pokémon one hasn’t seen yet on GTS. Pokécommunism (Exp. Share) makes the game a joke, difficulty-wise, though: ’twas the 1st time my Pokémon were higher levels than all o’ the Elite Four, e’en the champion. The story was also forgettable, other than maybe the cheesy Matrix-bad-ass style Team Flare’s going for.

As for the aesthetics… (yawns). Other than Lyssandre’s battle theme & maybe Laverre City, the music is so bland & boring. It almost makes me fall asleep. The UI—mainly the text prompts—also looks like some cheap schlock I could make in Photoshop in a few minutes—you know, like they have in those cheap cellphone remakes, like those heinously anus Final Fantasy remakes.

It’s still better than Diamond & Pearl, though. Those games’ gameplay makes me fall asleep.


[1] It’s so bad that e’en these simple fan remixes are 1,000 times better.

Posted in Video Games

The Socialist Paradox & the Law of Orwell (Also a Rant ‘Bout Milton Friedman in a Footnote)

Law: If you support economic democracy, you support economic totalitarianism.


Supporting economic democracy means supporting socialism.

Supporting socialism means supporting totalitarianism.

The law is gotten through the transitive property.

In mathematical notation, for the (nonexistent) economists in the audience:

A = B

B = !A

Therefore, A = !A

‘Course, the real-world manifestation o’ this paradox is due to the Law of Orwell: Politicians’ intent may vary from their promises, or in layman’s terms: Politicians are full o’ shit. Those who promise the sweet candy o’ democracy may truly be trapping you into totalitarianism.

It should be pointed out, however, that the Law of Orwell applies just as much to any other ideology. One should only look up Friedman’s support for dictators in Chile & China1 or Hayek’s defense o’ “liberal” dictatorships for the cousin paradox, the “Authoritarian Libertarians.”

[1] Friedman once complained ’bout the left being hypocritical for criticizing his fraternizing with genocidal dictator Pinochet, but not criticizing his fraternizing with totalitarian Marxist governments in China. I won’t make that same mistake: fuck you, Friedman, for rubbing dicks with capitalist totalitarians & fuck you for rubbing dicks with communist totalitarians. The 1 thing you proved yourself to be consistent in was schmoozing with any crony dictator who’ll let you force your petty economic rituals on people (since the mass majority wouldn’t voluntarily swallow his vapid nonsense)—as is typical o’ “libertarians.”

Also, fuck the pathetic bootlickers in that linked article. ¿You know what’s different from Friedman & those other people? They didn’t pump themselves up as “libertarians” & lovers o’ “freedom.” ¿You know what legitimate libertarians do? They don’t give advice to goverments @ all; they tell them to fuck off.

Posted in Politics

Peppermint Pink Sonnet

Accompanying music.

Light that leads me through the blizzard,

white in flakes, such snuggled blankets.

Tangy sugar never withers,

though this season never bakes it,

only baked so long ago,

you remind me o’ soft bread,

warm tan crescents made o’ snow.

Noses itch in strong, fresh scents.

Red lights warn you: stop & breathe,

drown the death in breakfast tea,

touch the crystals on the leaves.

Posted in Metered, Mezunian Sonnet, Poetry