The Mezunian

Die Positivität ist das Opium des Volkes, aber der Spott ist das Opium der Verrückten

The World’s Worst Review in which I Agree with Its (Sort o’) Conclusion

‘Cause I’m a serious jackoff who writes ’bout bourgie toys, I don’t just criticize reviews that disagree with my tastes, such as this dumb ass review by some video game character that isn’t e’en real gainst the magnum opus that is Game & Watch Gallery 4, but also those reviews with arguments in which I agree. Thus, we have this review that argues that Wario Land 3 is the best game on the 3DS Virtual Console (sort o’), with which I agree.

Let’s start with some nice ad hominem:

Stephen Swift lives in Boston with the world’s tiniest and loudest cat.

Jonathan Swift should be choking in his grave to know that his great great great great great great great great great great grandson’s stooping to making cat jokes.

It starts by blabbering ’bout the 3DS’s eShop, while Swift contradicts himself: though he contrasts it with Steam, most o’ the games he mentions are on Steam, too.

Honestly, the fact that he praises the 3DS eShop’s kind o’ a flaw itself, since it sucks compared to the Wii-U’s—& e’en arguably the Wii’s. It doesn’t e’en have Game Boy Advance games, ‘less one was an early-adopter, for god’s sake. Hell, it’s e’en missing a bunch o’ NES games. I guess e’en the “New” 3DS wasn’t powerful ‘nough to play Earthbound Beginnings—though it can play its sequel (not like you’d want to play Beginnings, ‘specially when you can play the sequel…).

My for-real, hand-to-god, pick of the litter? Out of alllll of them?

I’m sorry, but no dictionary I know tells me that “alllll” is a word. I can’t accept financial advice from someone who can’t e’en correctly spell Kindergarten-level words. Once you learn not to treat typing articles like a fucking Shmup, then maybe I’ll pay attention.

It’s the vanilla Virtual Console port of Wario Land 3.

I was as surprised as you.

That level being “not surprised @ all,” since the big bold title o’ this article already kind o’ spoiled that precious fact, & you decided the fact yourself.

By the way, ¿how could he praise the 3DS for all these aspects nobody else knew ’bout, like that it has Cave Story, but not the fact that its Virtual Console games came in ice cream flavors, which e’en I didn’t know. Well, genius, ¿why would anyone prefer vanilla Wario Land 3 o’er, say, Chocolate Chip Mint Wario Land 3? ¿No answer? Not a very good review then.

His 1st few reasons after his strange Charlie-Brown-haired divider actually resemble good arguments, so we won’t talk ’bout them much—though I must praise his hilariously zany renames for Wario’s status conditions (¿What’s the name o’ that condition where Wario briefly clips into the ground, like in that 1st wacky animated GIF?)

That doesn’t stop him from speaking as obnoxiously as possible, since shouting @ people is always the best way to convince them. It’s good to see that Virtual Village writer on super-serious website writes ’bout the same as some jackoff on YouTube comments. Have some god damn respect, man.

I also question some o’ his arguments. For instance, I love how he says @ 1 point that Wario Land 3 is “soaking in Metroid” (ew), & then goes on to talk ’bout how it isn’t like Metroid. But e’en if his arguments aren’t entirely coherent, you can’t argue with such points as “It. Is. So. Dope. [the emphasis is all his credit].”

As for point #4, I disagree with his point that forcing tutorials on players & treating them like idiots is good. I’m also not sure what he means by “hands-off.” It’s certainly “hands-off” for the player, since they get to just sit & watch for a minute not being a “player.” That’s right up there in quality with books that force you to go a minute without being able to actually read them.

I also disagree with point #5—& apparently the reviewer does, too, since he followed such refined arguments as “It’s horrible,” with the e’en mo’ refined, “I LOVE IT.” I disagree 1st with the claim that forcing an irrelevant minigame to progress is somehow a contrast to modern game design, 2nd for his providing any praise for that tedious golf game, & 3rd with his irrelevant animated GIF o’ Wario being spliced & unspliced painfully o’er & o’er like a scene out o’ “I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream.” ¿Maybe that’s s’posed to represent the player’s feelings when she realizes she has to play that minigolf game for the 20th time? E’en I’d say that’s an exaggeration—a’least it’s not that fucking memory game from 2.

The organization o’ this article doesn’t e’en make sense. 5b is ’bout how “minibosses” (since they’re the only bosses, ‘cept for maybe the final boss, I question that word choice) defeat you by using your status conditions to push you out o’ the room, rather than kill you, since you can’t die in this game. That’s mo’ related to his 1st point, where he brought this fact up to begin with, than this point ’bout… ¿being “Warioian” ’bout not being like modern games? “Minibosses” that don’t kill you outright are hardly mo’ ol’-school than modern. & yeah, it’s “Warioian” in the sense that you defined—like Wario Land 3—’cause it’s in Wario Land 3. It’s great to see that Wario Land 3‘s bosses are designed round Wario Land 3‘s gameplay—like everything else in Wario Land 3.

O wait. But the minigolf game was “Warioian,” & that was described as being a complete departure from the regular game… which is apparently an aspect o’ Wario Land 3 design… to depart from Wario Land 3 design…

Point #6 is that you can be a cheating scrub & savestate through the game, which applies to all Virtual Console games & is probably needed less in this game than most games.

Point #7 makes fun o’ itself: “Replayability… in MY Metroidvania?????” Since we already learned that Wario Land 3 is “soaking in Metroid” while being completely different, this isn’t a surprise @ all. It’s also ‘nother aspect that is far from unique ’bout Wario Land 3. I can’t help but note that Swift seems to be excited ’bout things that are in just ’bout every video game. HOLY SHIT: YOU CAN GO BACK INTO LEVELS YOU ALREADY BEAT CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT.

Though point #8’s title is just a reiteration o’ the article’s thesis, it does approach a coherent argument that makes sense, though the “every floor tile serves a purpose” point returned to the flaw I just mentioned. Yeah, they all serve a purpose: they all keep you from falling off the screen, since the game has no death routine to call if you somehow do. Good thing the designers didn’t forget ’bout that & just let players fall off the screen & enter a glitchy minus world.

But point #9 veers off into a completely irrelevant subject, which partly contradicts his whole thesis. “It is only barely better than most other VC Gameboy [sic, ¿how the fuck can you misspell “Game Boy”?] Color titles.” ¿Then why are you singling it out if it’s not much mo’ special than the other games? Duh, logic: ¿what’s that? If Attack of the Friday Monsters is so great, ¿why aren’t you talking ’bout it? For instance, I’d like to know what the fuck a “Friday Monster” is e’en s’posed to be.

¿& why’s this review called “10 Reasons Wario Land 3 is the 3DS eShop’s Best Game [emphasis mine]” when you only listed 9? ¡I can’t take financial advice from someone who can’t e’en count!

Wario Land 3 reviews are ruined fore’er now. Great goin’ it, Swift.

Posted in Video Games