The Mezunian

Die Positivität ist das Opium des Volkes, aber der Spott ist das Opium der Verrückten

Opinion: I eat cheese, but don’t need this $15 container

While trying to look up a weird Tyler, the Creator lyric involving eating all the cheese @ the store, I stumbled ’pon this gem.

If You Eat Cheese (Ever), You Need This $15 Container

I hard disagree. Beyond all expectations, I continue to survive while still eating the occasional cheddar without this ( exorbidant ) container.

I cannot tell you how often I’ve googled “how to store [insert type of cheese].”

If true, that depresses me. I don’t fall into this problem ’cause I’ve heard o’ foil sometime in my life.

Despite the amount of time I spend thinking about cheese and the amount of space in my fridge that’s devoted to cheese[…]

This ’splains why this $15 container is so vital: while normal people fixate on such topics as whether that lump they found a few days ago is cancer or their financial future in this slump, this poor writer’s mind is trapped by the conundrum o’ the logistics regarding the storage o’ cheese in their fridge.

Boss: ¿Where’s the next article? It was due yesterday.

Writer: I’m sorry, but I can’t concentrate on my writing. ¿Can’t you see my fridge is running out o’ space for all my cheese? ¿Don’t you see some o’ my cheese will go hard & grow mold any minute now? I just bought some milk, but now it’s going to have to go bad, ’cause the entire fridge is full o’ cheese.

[M]y brain just can’t seem to retain information on whether parchment paper, a resealable container, or the original packaging is the best storage choice and in which scenarios.

That’s ’cause none o’ those are the best storage choice — specially not the 1st. “Hmm… Maybe I should store my cheese inside the US Constitution…”. This ’splains e’en better why this container is vital: too many people have gone to jail for life for trying to break into where’er they keep the Constitution & steal it so they can use it to wrap their cheese.

The concern is that cheese needs to breathe[…]

Vegetarians obsess o’er the rights o’ chickens & cows — ¿but what ’bout the rights o’ cheese? Last week I saw blocks o’ gouda & parmesan filling the Seattle streets holding signs labelled, “¡I can’t breathe!”.

I actually looked this up, since I always smothered my cheese in foil, & its flavor ne’er suddenly changed from cheddar to rancid pork, while the many times the dumb nephew & neice failed to completely wrap the cheese with foil only accomplished making the cheese go hard & crusty. Tho I couldn’t find an answer that wasn’t other blog writers writing ’bout weird new ways to contain their cheese, I did find this inspirational bit o’ philosophy from some rando who teaches French:

Yes! It was the right message at the right time: cheese needs to breathe and so do humans and their projects. I’ve set aside the blog post I had been writing but I can give it to you in a nutshell‐‐[ sic regarding this bastardization o’ the em dash ]or in a fuzzy white coat en velours if you fancy.

Move o’er Satre & Foucault: France’s got a new GOAT philosopher.

Having to throw away cheese because of improper care on my part is certainly something I want to avoid — hence my frequent googling.

I love the “frequently googling” part, ’cause it implies the writer keeps trying to find answers but finds none & is just wasting their time or the writer has severe memory problems & has to keep reminding themselves that you wrap cheese in foil, not holiday wrapping paper.

While having my very own temperature-controlled cheese cave is just not in the cards for me at the moment[…]

Keep in mind the “at the moment”; they’ll ne’er forget their lifelong dream o’ the ultimate cheese cave.

I have been gifted with another wonderfully effective solution — one that’s affordable and requires no online searching to use properly.

“As opposed to the Raspberry Pi with which my other ‘friend’ gifted me, which I had to manually program to control my cheese’s temperature, which failed due to a rounding error ( ¡stupid floating points! ¡ne’er use JavaScript! ), causing my cheese to die o’ heatstroke”.

Anyway, the writer tells an epic tale ’bout their boyfriend’s mother showing them a container with holes in it ( accompanied by the weekly 2 tons o’ cheese ) as if ’twere the ring to rule them all & that this saved their fridge from being conquered by the horrible stench from this cheese their boyfriend’s mother insists on giving them. Nobody informs said mother that it’d be simpler if she didn’t give them stinky cheese, but cheese that can take care o’ itself & shower regularly.

You’ll no longer find cheese storage questions in my search history anymore and my fridge remains wonderfully full of cheese but free of their strong odor. And I haven’t wasted any cheese due to poor storage.

I’ve already accomplished all o’ this without paying $15 for tupperware containers with holes drilled into them, so I don’t know why you’re bragging.

All thruout this article I was finding myself mo’ interested in this weird ad on the side showing someone boiling macaroni. I have no idea what it’s advertising, — ¿macaroni? — but I couldn’t help being mesmerized.

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Posted in Yuppy Tripe