The Mezunian

Die Positivität ist das Opium des Volkes, aber der Spott ist das Opium der Verrückten


You remember those websites that look as if they were made in the late 90s—when the height o’ sexiness was beveled table borders—spouting ’bout the conspiracies “nobody” in the “liberal” media will tell you—but I will! Well, it’s good to see that Careerealism’s taking good inspiration.

O, & unsurprisingly, this article is just here so the author can peddle videos.

By the way, do we live in some Kafkaesque nightmare or is that just the fantasies o’ Careerealism’s writers? Why are these employers so obsessed with every li’l detail o’ how you act—’stead o’, you know, the quality o’ your work or knowledge—just so they can latch onto 1 like a Job Nazi, “No job for you!” & then they refuse to tell anyone their shibboleth—probably for fear that the spies will sneak through their screening process. Ha! They’re not looking for employees: they’re looking for recruits into their conspiracy group!

We can all thank Careerealism for their hard-hitting report on cracking the Employer Cabal. True fucking Deep Throats, they are!

See, look @ this bitter dose o’ reality:

Reality check: Those who are failing to make a good first impression get put in the “no” pile and are never contacted again [emphasis mine].

1 fuck up & you’re blacklisted from the guild for life. Apparently nowadays having a “smelly physical appearance”1—whatever that is—is the modern equivalent o’ being caught as a card-carrying communist.

This is like a marketer-fundamentalist version o’ those overly Christian children’s books from the Victorian era:

You may not like what you read, but the good news is with a little attention and practice, all of them can be improved upon. So, ask yourself, “Am I guilty of the following?”

All true! I am a filthy beast & need the Jesus o’ marketing to cleanse me o’ my clammy handshakes.

By the way, her lists look less like something that actually required thought, & mo’ like an exercise in creating Ad Libs. If there was an 11th tip, it’d surely be, “Your hand gestures are too slow/too fast/too medium/too sexy/too handy.”

& then she says it all comes down to attitude. Presumably, the videos she made are just her showing you various poses you can try out, such as crossing your arms & tilting your upper body with your chin held up like you hip kids with your backward caps & Super Nintendos.

1Your physical appearance is disheveled/outdated/sloppy/smelly/overpowering (i.e. too much perfume) [emphasis mine].”

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