The Mezunian

Die Positivität ist das Opium des Volkes, aber der Spott ist das Opium der Verrückten


As hippie white liberals love to attach every race for which they may have a drop o’ blood from to themselves so they can think o’ themselves as brave victims o’ oppression, to a lesser degree, bourgeois ditzes love to apply the vapid term “introvert” to themselves even when it doesn’t apply so they can pretend they’re badass loners. ‘Cept: 1, loners aren’t badass; since networking plays such a large part o’ economic success, they’re actually weaker than outgoing people; & 2, most o’ these people writing this nonsense would slit their wrists if they had to stay ‘way from Twitter for mo’ than a day. That “introvert” is part o’ some mindless pseudoscientific faux-psychology bullshit shat out Carl Jung’s mental asshole also helps.

Idealist Careers, a website nice ‘nough to present itself in the kind o’ bright colors demanding to be mocked by curmudgeons like me, does this—that is, after a grayscale photo o’ a man sitting on a bench that’s immensely poetic.

Also, would you assholes stop shoving your shitty pop up ads into my face. No, I don’t want to sign up for your shitty newsletter. Nobody does. They don’t like you, Idealist Careers. Nobody does.

As a natural introvert, I’m sometimes annoyed by the many misconceptions people have about us. We’re not all shy and we don’t necessarily dislike people (I love people!).

“I’m annoyed that us introverts are always assumed to be introverts! We’re just like nonintroverts; we just applied some meaningless term to ourselves to make us look cool & haven’t realized that sane adults grow out o’ this shit after high school.”

The only meaningful difference between introverts and extroverts is from where we draw our energy. Extroverts are energized by their interactions with other people, while introverts replenish their energy with time spent alone.

O, I see: the difference is the Zen that each gets. See, I’m neither: I’m 1 o’ those strange humans who derives energy from sleeping & eating.

Fortunately, it turns out that introversion may not necessarily be the disadvantage that it appears to be in a job hunt.

Well, so long as “introversion” simply means not having the imaginary “energy” mentioned ‘bove. If one is paralyzed by the mere thought o’ shaking an executive’s germy hands,—I am, but not due to introversion; I have secret files that show what executives do in their spare time with those hands o’ theirs—they’re probably not going to get a job.

Consider what personality traits you have that would serve you well in a job search. Are you highly organized, goal-oriented, and self-reflective? Do you have strong analytical and research skills? Each of these are beneficial in your job search, and your task is to maximize these qualities.

Let’s unpack this paragraph so we can understand how nonsensical it is. 1st, most o’ these traits aren’t true things, they’re just words that sound nice. “Goal-oriented”? As opposed to what? Being a vegetable? If someone goes in for a job interview, chances are one has the goal o’ getting a job. The guy who just happens to stumble into an interview room, but decides to sit down & chat, anyway, is surely a rare occurrence. & “self-reflective”? Since most interview advice tells people to lie—they tell them to be honest, but just magically change reality so that they are truly passionate ’bout sticking exec dicks in their mouths, but they truly mean lie, just also be dishonest ’bout the dishonesty—that’s obviously wrong.

& if one already has these skills, how does one “maximize” them? & if one doesn’t have them, shouldn’t one maximize them even mo’?

& now we have tips!

Look for jobs that suit your personality, in organizations that match your mindset.

This is good advice. It took forever to find a company that let me be myself—the Brotherhood o’ the Orange Kool-Aid—but ’twas worth it. I always felt so… discouraged, feeling as if I needed to pretend ‘way my fetish for sticking knives into people. My employers understand & we all do it as our job. Who thought you could get a job that you love?

After telling readers that introverts should avoid jobs that require them to do things they’re uncomfortable with, she goes onto networking. I’d presume the advice would be not to do it, since that’s all that’s consistent, but then since Kane’s very definition o’ introversion vacillated ‘tween authentic shyness & that bullshit ’bout “energy,” I was unsurprised to see advice for how introverts should do they thing that they’re s’posedly uncomfortable with, ‘cept they’re not truly.

Introverts run the risk of coming across as arrogant, misanthropic, or shy, so you’ll want to conserve your energy so you can be at your best!

Ha, ha, ha. That’s not always due to a lack o’ energy.

You can do a lot of networking from the comfort of your own home by sprucing up your Idealist and LinkedIn profiles, sending messages to former colleagues, and spreading the digital word of your job search.

Ha! I love how Kane’s deluded herself that there are people with Idealist profiles. “Surely it’ll be the next LinkedIn!”

Also, I’m still not sure if this “introvert” species is so ‘fraid o’ the true world that they scream @ the sight o’ ‘nother flesh creature or if they’re just like regular executives, ‘cept they also write shitty poetry in their spare time.

Confidence has a certain look to it, and that look includes good posture, a strong handshake, and eye contact. These are things you can practice and perfect before your interview.

The mo’ I learn ’bout the business world, the mo’ intrigued I am by their savage superstitions.

As an introvert, you may be especially good at listening and practicing “silent” leadership. Don’t be afraid to talk about these qualities and how you can use them to help move the organization forward.

Show how much you listen to other people by blabbing ’bout yourself.

‘Gain, if introverts are capable o’ this, why can’t they just act like every other prospective employee? This “introversion” doesn’t seem to be a limit @ all in Kane’s brain.

I ‘specially don’t understand this “don’t be ‘fraid…” nonsense. Do you not understand how fear works? I can imagine all o’ Kane’s introvert readers—none—smacking their foreheads & thinking, You mean I’m not s’posed to be ‘fraid? I thought that was a good thing to have this whole time! Silly me!

Introverts like to think before they speak.

Most people do. I’ve never met an outgoing person who just babbles whatever words comes to his head. They may do shoddy thinking ‘fore speaking, but it’s still thinking.

O, & the introverts are enticed to comment—’cause I’m sure introverts are the type o’ people who spring into conversations.

Shockingly, there’s no comments. Or maybe their website’s broken. I don’t know what “Blog token not found” is s’posed to mean. Probably means I have to sign up for some email-clogging shit to see the comments.

By the way, I fixed this article’s insipid image so that it better fits my mission statement:

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Posted in Yuppy Tripe