The Mezunian

Die Positivität ist das Opium des Volkes, aber der Spott ist das Opium der Verrückten


Our story starts on a breezy afternoon, the creamy pastures o’ Donut Plains stretching as far as the eye could see—a’least from west to east; from north to south, the land was the thinnest slice. Koopez ne’er knew what’d happen if someone attempted to move latitudinally; he ne’er saw anyone dare.

But Koopez didn’t let such thoughts ruin such a magnificent morn, where the sun covered everyone in a blanket o’ warmth; nor did Koopez let said sun’s stormy anger ruin his day.

“Mr. Sun, ¿why are you always so angry when there is so much to enjoy in life?”

“Whatever enjoyment you get in this game we call life is temporary, whereas cruel game over will be inevitable & permanent,” Mr. Sun replied; “thus I’m getting a head start.”

Their conversation was interrupted by the loud thumbing o’ boots ’pon grass. Koopez turned to the source, only for his already-enormous eyes to balloon.

¡What a sight this fellow was! Though Koopas considered themselves tall creatures, this fellow easily matched Koopez’s height. ¡But this was no mere Koopa! Garbed in fetching blue o’eralls & matching red shirt & hat, this man stood straight as a hieroglyph with his gloved hands & head turned to the side. ¡A stature fit for an emperor! Koopez swooned. But what truly made drool drip from Koopez’s maw was the creamy black fur sprouting under the man’s meaty nose.

Koopez’s heart pounded faster than the speediest TAS as he gazed ’pon this living god. He wanted to greet him, but suddenly found his mouth clogged with Fuzzies—& his head dizzy, as if he’d swallowed these Fuzzies.

Koopez opened his mouth to speak, only to stop when he saw the red-hatted man leap into the air. As Koopez’s eyes rose ’long with the red-hatted man’s amazing height, his jaw dropped in accordance.

So stunned was he by this feat that he neglected to notice the red-hatted man’s shadow loom o’er him, till he felt the force o’ a truck fall onto him, shoving him into his shell.

“¡Ack! ¿What happened?”

Suddenly he felt the world rush below him. This & the sight-slaying darkness surrounding him caused him to shiver as he’d ne’er done before.

As an added poison mushroom, he later felt a heavy smack from the front, & then the world zoomed in the other direction.

¡If this doesn’t stop I’m going to puke & embarrass myself in front o’ him!

Eventually he did feel the world stop by a force crushing down on him from ’bove. Still so frightened, though, he waited a full minute before he carefully reached his head out & rejoined the outside.

When Koopez looked around him, he saw that everything was gone. Mysteriously floating bricks had mysteriously disappeared, & their ?-branded brethren were now signless. Moreo’er, the Koopas, Goombas, & e’en the angry sun, were nowhere seen.

Worse, Koopez’s dream mate was gone.

Koopez hung his head & gazed glass-eyed @ the still grass. I didn’t e’en have a chance to get his name. ¿What if I ne’er see him ’gain?

Well, just in case, I’d better prepare for if I do see him ’gain.

So Koopez wrote out a gorgeous poem full o’ such breathtaking metaphors as, “Your bushy mustache is like a worm that infects my heart,” & paced in wait ’tween the same 2 pipes he stood ’tween earlier for the mysterious red-hatted man to reappear.

The hours sped by in their big turn-key boots, Koopez watching the sun tire himself with exasperation to sleep under the horizon, replaced by the great white sphere o’ the moon. When Koopez stared @ its grizzled face—which looked like a slightly uglier version o’ his newfound love’s, but with triangular nose & zigzag moustache—he thought he saw it wink. He added it to the stock o’ good signs he’d seen that day, such as the 1 that said “Koopa Air” or the 1 that showed a Bob-omb crossing the street.

The sun returned, & so did the red-hatted man. Wary that the red-hatted man’s presence would be brief, Koopez wasted no time reciting his poetry:

“¿How can words do justice to the exquisite perfection o’ your every pixel? Wh—¿Hey, where are you going?”

Turned out that the red-hatted man wasted no time leaping o’er Koopez & scampering on his way. Koopez turned & watched as the man hopped under 1 o’ the many ?-blocks, knocking a brunching Goomba from below.

While the red-hatted man was distracted by some strange species o’ flora Koopez had seen many times before, Koopez leapt @ him, wrapping his arms round the red-hatted man’s neck—which he found quite difficult, since the red-hatted man didn’t appear to have a neck.

“¡Wait! ¡Don’t go without telling me your name! ¡Please!”

To Koopez’s shock, the man seemed to shrink under his very grasp with rapid flickers. He gaped @ this newly half-sized person as the red-hatted man jumped back in shock, slipping through Koopez’s hold as if immaterial.

The red-hatted man then edged backward, but was too late to escape before Koopez clutched him ’gain.

“¡Wait! ¡I don’t mean to harm you, sir! I just want to get to know you. ¿Would you like to join me for a couple cans o’ Chuckola?”

The red-hatted man threw his arms out & jumped; but this time, rather than moving longitudinally, he went o’er the thin edge, disappearing down into the abyss with a melancholy jingle.

Koopez’s face hang so low it almost touched the ground, & the corner o’ his eyes filled with steamy tears.

“I can’t believe he hates me so much… ¿Am I so ugly? ¿Do I smell so bad?”

Shattered senseless, Koopez trudged forward without seeing where he was going, sighing @ every tuft o’ red grass that passed his feet. Eventually, he reached the end o’ a cliff; but he didn’t care: his lives weren’t worth preserving.

And so he fell into the ether, disappearing just as his love had.

The sun stared down @ this with a surly smirk still smothering his visage, shaking his face.

“As I said: game over will eventually come & wipe ’way all happiness fore’er. As if hard-coded, it never fails.”

Posted in Short Stories