The Mezunian

Die Positivität ist das Opium des Volkes, aber der Spott ist das Opium der Verrückten

I Think the #1 Sign that You’re “Socially Retarded” Is that You Don’t Know What “Socially Retarded” Is

Ugh. Mo’ #’d lists. But this 1’s hilarious–‘cept for those god-awfully trite zany images–in that it completely lacks self-awareness.

Let’s hurry past the glaring but trite acknowledgement that this site’s name, “Rebel Circus,” is trying to hard to be random humor & lacks the self-awareness to use the word “rebel” to describe 1 o’ the million manufactured Buzzfeed wannabes pumped full o’ tacky ads ’bout weight loss. But let’s do please laugh @ the hubris in the line in the typical spam invite @ the bottom offering to send you “the stories everyone is talking about” (e’en though you can clearly get them without signing up)–& Not just ’cause this phrase is cliche to the point o’ meaning nothing to most people.

Anyway, let’s see this writer show us what they think is “socially retarded”:

1. You always hold the door open for people when there’s an awkward distance between you and them.

As opposed to meticulously measuring the distance ‘tween you & the other person to ensure that it precisely fits some imagined interval o’ proper distance–what all the normal people do, ‘course.

Nothing’s funnier than stick figures copied straight from The Oatmeal making exaggerated facial expressions that just make them look like they’re having aneurysms. That ne’er gets ol’–¡nope!

2. You hum along to elevator music that doesn’t exist when you’re in an elevator with a stranger.

It exists now, motherfucker, ¡I’m making it!

That’s not “socially retarded”; that’s just annoying, & something quite a lot o’ people do (e’en though it’s annoying). That’s like calling littering “socially retarded.”

3. You never know if you should handshake or fist pound, and you usually switch it up right in the middle. Thus, ruining everything.

Nobody does this. No one this socially incapacitated would e’en think to fist bump, so I think there’s clearly some research failures going on in this scientific treatise.

That said, I do sincerely like the high drama o’ the line, “Thus, ruining everything.” It’s the comma that makes it special–like a line out o’ the Bible.

4. You will think about something in your mind for a few minutes, then randomly burst out with your final thought. “That’s why I can’t stand TiVo!”

That’s also something nobody does, & is also something mo’ annoying than truly debilitating. I can’t see how this impairs someone so much that they truly have trouble surviving in the social world.

I love how the animated GIF that looks like it was made with the same technology from which Donkey Kong Country got its graphics (& wisely traded those silly extra colors that actual reality uses so they can show the character’s mouth move up & down a li’l–¡which is o’ utmost importance!) initially had its vitally important text covered by an ad–’cause there weren’t ‘nough o’ those. Honestly, considering how bad this content is, I don’t know why the whole site isn’t just ads. I can’t see how’d be any less entertaining, & it couldn’t hurt ad revenue, ‘least, & might e’en improve it. I’ve intentionally watched ads before. & honestly, that ad showing a picture that looks like it came from some Victorian softcore porn trying to entice me into reading info ’bout old-fashioned hygiene tactics that are “gross” interests me mo’, simply from bile fascination.

5. When you order food, you’re too embarrassed to ask them to repeat your order, and you just eat whatever you get.

Eh, fair ‘nough.

6. When you see someone you don’t know from far away, you practice your greeting about 14 times before you two meet. Only to say “hey what’s up!”

That must get mentally exhausting in crowded cities. OK, I can see this significantly hindering one’s ability to function in society.

‘Course, I’m skeptical o’ a socially debilitated person not, you know, just not interacting with someone they don’t know as much as possible–almost to the point that I think the writer just made this shit up in their head without e’en considering how it might actual work in reality… But nitpicks.

What’s much mo’ socially problematic is this SNES-quality animated GIF showing this bug-eyed woman glancing back & forth @ this mohawked guy giving somebody offscreen a blowjob. ¡Give some people privacy, Madame!

7. You trip over things, and begin to examine the culprit as if it was done on purpose.

I’m not e’en sure what that’s s’posed to mean. ¿You mean these people trip on a bottle o’ booze left on the curb & then stop & waggle their finger @ it, saying, “Naughty, naught, beer bottle.” That’s not socially inept–that’s just plain inept. I wouldn’t trust that person ‘lone with a can opener, much less in public.

It’s good to see that their best example was Rafari from The Lion King, in what was clearly a deleted scene from an earlier version wherein Simba’s the one who dies. Whether this would become a comedy o’ the problems Rafari’s social ineptness causes or a tragedy o’ the struggles o’ social ineptness, we’ll ne’er know.

8. Either that, or you laugh before anyone else does.

I actually took a break while this 1 loaded, so when I 1st read it I was confused. It seemed mo’ like the writer was the nutjob.

The irony is that most people who actually have social awareness know that the majority don’t give that many shits ’bout what other people do, whether they laugh a few seconds before others or anything else, ’cause we’re all narcissists who think mostly ’bout how we’re doing. It is, ironically, the people who focus so much on whether they laughed too early or too late that are probably the less socially adjusted.

I mean, ¿why talk ’bout that when you could talk ’bout this crazy fucker who just gets enraged by long brown hair taking up half his camera space?

¿Whence come these fucked up images, anyway? I’m mo’ interested in trying to imagine the process by which these videos were taken than these trite lines pooped out in seconds. ¿Was there a director somewhere offscreen telling this guy, “OK, now I need you to imagine your bowels suddenly imploded on themselves.”? ¿Or was there some convoluted logic that ‘scapes me that led this man to believe that expression he made emoted any kind o’ useful body language @ all?

9. Your Facebook statuses are literally never funny to anybody but you.

We can clearly see that this writer has a low bar for “socially inept to the extent o’ having serious trouble surviving in the social world.” That’s like calling the average person bad @ math regular ol’ “retarded.”

¿& why after all those crazy pictures before do we have this average person with a normal, if albeit plastic, smile with no text? ¿What’s socially inept ’bout this?

10. When you make eye contact with someone, and they catch you, you pretend like they’re eye sight is bad and they actually saw nothing.

I don’t know much ’bout social ineptitude, but I can say that 1 sign o’ regular ol’ ineptitude is writing shit that’s so grammatically bunch-fucked that it’s not e’en sensical. I think you’ve actually gone beyond “socially retarded” when you start pretending that other people are bad eyesights; those motherfuckers are just headlight-headed crazy.

11…

No… ¿What’s wrong with just 10? If it’s good ‘nough for Letterman, it’s good ‘nough for you uppedy bastards.

I think you’ve made your point quite well, brain-damaged Jerry Seinfeld: if you do anything slightly off… Well, let’s list it somewhere, ’cause we have filler to fill–¡Fill! ¡Fill! ¡Fill!

¿How do I keep stumbling on all this useless shit?

O, yeah: Google. Fuck you, Google. Maybe you should retire that whole web search thing you’re not very good @ anymo’ & focus mo’ on self-driving cars or other zany shit that I can’t e’en find by searching ’cause Google’s search sucks so much that it gives me websites that take fore’er to load & fill my browser with tacky pop-ups & chopped up into a million pages that take fore’er to load &, O god, just stop sucking websites, please.

I’m not e’en going to bother revising this article. If none o’ you idiots–I blame all o’ you, everyone collectively, like a good communist–can be bothered to make your websites halfway readable without the need for headache medicine, I don’t need to bother ensuring I didn’t make a typo on any o’ the HTML code for those zany upside down ?s or !s I used. You’re just going to have to figure out what “&iquestl” means.

Addendum:

Sorry, 1 last tangent to the list o’ many: check out Reddit’s patented triteness that somehow still stays amusing (I ought to do a bunch o’ articles on Reddit–it’d be much mo’ interesting than these filler farms). Summary: somebody narcissistically tells the whole world he thinks he’s socially inept for slight problems–which is, to be fair, quite socially inept in itself, since most people don’t go round advertising their personal problems to the public. The 1st reply diagnoses him with autism, ’cause that’s just what everyone has, I guess. No self-awareness from any.

I ‘specially loved this line from someone else:

Being socially retarded is understandable, these creatures behavior is quite the conundrum.

Beware o’ creatures behavior, everyone.

Posted in Yuppy Tripe