The Mezunian

Die Positivität ist das Opium des Volkes, aber der Spott ist das Opium der Verrückten

But Lispers Are Worse

Last week I made fun o’ Ruby for the crime o’ being used by idiots who don’t e’en know why they like it.

But Lispers are hilariously crazy. Just read through the “SmugLispWeenies” pages on C2Wiki, a TV Tropes for programming that bewilderingly has e’en fewer standards & civility.

Just look @ this:

Most “commercial grade” coders are little better than faeces hurling monkeys randomly bashing at their terminals and making the odd primitive grunt in the machine’s general direction. Really, it’s an insult for a computer to have to tolerate some of the shit I have seen spewed at them by their neuronally challenged masters. Go away and learn to actually reason about code before you start the “Language X is superior to language Y” pissing competition; otherwise you just look like a pack of nitwits. I can shoot a stream of piss much farther than you can, but that’s because I’m standing on top of a mountain. Keep that in mind next time you think it’s raining.

Remember this next time somebody tells you programmers are geniuses. This is them when the cameras aren’t rolling, just like your grampa talking ’bout the black folks ( Well, ’less your grampa’s black & not that black KKK member from that Dave Chappelle sketch ).

That italic ( er… non-italic now, since it’s in a usually-italic blockquote ) is someone else jutting their text into someone’s paragraph. It’s quite common on this site & makes reading it feel like reading the raving rants o’ a schizophrenic. I’m not e’en sure which is the Lisper & which… ¿isn’t? ¿Maybe they both are? Maybe some drunk guy just randomly stumbled on this site & decided to post this & nobody e’en realized ’twas irrelevant.

Just afterward we get a nice paragraph ’bout some Lisper fantasizing ’bout being God & using his totalitarian powers to banish object-oriented programming & Java, the Lisper’s greatest enemy, from all schools & that people with such “prior exposure” “should be considered mentally mutilated beyond all reasonable hope of recovery and should simply be shot on compassionate grounds”.

Hilariously ’nough, 1 guy who labels himself a smug atheist ( ¿isn’t that a redundancy? — hur, hur ) goes on some anal-retentive tangent ’bout how that guy’s comparison to banning OOP & Java to banning heroin from pre-schools is inaccurate, <squeaky voice>since it’s truly the Federal government that bans it everywhere, which simply cascades down to the state level & schools, Sir</squeaky voice>. He then goes on to say that he still understands that other person’s “pain & suffering” & “largely agree[s] with what [he’s] communicating”. The guy wanted to make a eugenics system for people who learned Java in college. It wasn’t e’en particularly people who liked Java — anyone who was e’en “exposed” to Java in college was incurably infected & fit only for the gas chambers.

I mean, I hate Java people now, too, & take back all the nice things I said ’bout Clean Code & its writer’s creepy threat to heathens who don’t recompile & redeploy ’cause I made the mistake o’ taking their advice to refactor my game project based on their super-serious OOP rules that, as it turns out, aren’t exactly consistent in detail ( “Single Responsibility Principle” is hopelessly vague & contradicts “Law of Demeter”, & “Uncle Bob” should go back to writing large books for me to read while I’m on the shitter ) & only made things a bigger hassle & messier. But e’en I think that’s too far. Punishing them by forcing them to make banal business programs for the rest o’ their lives is fine ’nough.

My favorite part ’bout crazy online communities is the conspicuous lack o’ any voice that says, “I’m sorry, ¿but is it me, or are you guys all crazy?”

Man, I joke ’bout language fanatics; but if there e’er was a programming language that’d actually inspire programmer to strap a bomb onto his back & blow up a building, I think it’d be a Lispers. These fuckers are crazy. You don’t fuck with them. Somebody please make them some half-decent GUI libraries so they don’t have to use C++ & break all their fingers on all the colons & angle brackets to make Steam games. Our safety depends on it.

Posted in Programming, What the Fuck Is this Shit?