The Mezunian

Die Positivität ist das Opium des Volkes, aber der Spott ist das Opium der Verrückten

My Mindless List o’ Rules You Must Follow to Write Great Literature

As usual, these rules aren’t going to be based on any empirical evidence or anything resembling a science o’ “good literature”, however one might define that, but be just a bunch o’ assertions I puked out in 10 seconds. As I do so, I’ll make sure to reference a bunch o’ books I’ve vanity-published on Amazon with schlocky Fabio covers on them, which should prove my point, since no bad writer has e’er had anything published, & “appeal to authority” isn’t a thing.

1. Write random.randint( 200, 10000 ) words a day

As we all know, quantity is quality.

’Ventually you’ll be able to stitch together a book from this garbage, & in this literary environ o’ “dump all my shit onto Amazon”, that’ll work great. After all, it’s the sucker reader who’s too dumb to know they can get Shakespeare & the English languages’ greatest classics online for free that has to sift through all this shit, not you.

2. Write said words @ the same time, in the same pretentious coffee shop

In conjunction with the previous rule, the less convenient your means o’ writing is, the mo’ you’ll be able to trick yourself into thinking you’re a serious worker, e’en though you’re still not producing anything o’ any worth to soceity.

3. Write your rules for writing in curt, simplistic demands

This will totally convince readers & not make them want to punch you in the face through the screen in annoyance.

Also, make sure you tell readers they have “no ’scuses” not to follow your advice, like a lack o’ actual evidence o’ its quality. This is mathematical proof.

4. Use the same language everyone else uses

Nothing turns readers off mo’ than anything new. After day-after-day o’ hearing the same cliches like “turns readers off” that have lost all meaning, nothing gives them mo’ joy than to hear this same mediocre-minded speech in the literature they buy in the hopes o’ ’scaping dull reality. But a’least now they’ll get to see a spunky teen fight off dystopian tyrants & Ancient Greek mythological creatures while spewing hashtags, LOL.

Don’t e’en think ’bout touching such dirty concepts as internal rhyme, alliteration, or similies, or your reader won’t take your made-up stories seriously.

5. No, you can’t e’en use these things in poetry anymo’

¿’Cause who e’er cared ’bout playing with language in poetry?

Only cliche Marxist drivel from someone too dumb to have e’en read Das Kapital & choppy, navel-gazing pretentiousness for you, son.

6. Base your novel round simple ad-lib sentences like, “A rogue physicist goes back in time to kill the apostle Paul”

This shows that you’re thinking ’bout what’s truly important: marketing slogans. Everything else can be padded in like compost in a fast-food burger.

7. Don’t worry ’bout being original

As mentioned constantly, readers are utterly sick o’ originality. ¿Somebody else already made a successful trilogy out o’ “average teen fights gainst evil dystopian totalitarians by dressing in fancy costumes”? ¿What’s that? ¿You mean there’s multiple series ’bout that? ¿What’s 1 mo’? If the market’s proven that people’ll buy 1 book ’bout that, surely they’ll buy mo’, e’en if they have much less creativity.

8. Ne’er use semicolons

I just don’t like them, OK.

9. Carefully plot out your book & write the beginning after the end

That way things won’t happen as natural outcomes o’ what happens before, like in silly realistic worlds, but acts as if ’twas conspicuously planned out by some author deity. It’s not as if you can go back & rewrite the beginning, anyway — once something’s written, it’s set in steel.

10. When writing rules, make sure you talk with faux tough-guy language like you’re some schmuck on Shark Tank

Make sure you talk ’bout “nailing pitches” & making “slam dunk proposals” so as to emphasize that you care purely ’bout gouging suckers who don’t know any better rather than anything resembling a creative process.

The general theme is, you want the reader to want to punch you in the head while reading your work as much as possible.

11. If you’re on Something Awful, you have to talk ’bout how much you love Cormac McCarthy, & if you’re on TV Tropes, you have to lavishly praise Terry Pratchet & call him by a stupid name.

It’s law, fineable for up to $500.

12. Warhammer 40,000 books are some o’ the greatest sci-fi literature

Seriously, 1 guy @ Reddit claimed this was the case in some thread. Let’s all point @ him & make fun o’ him for his crime o’ holding odd opinions.

Meanwhile, no Asimov, no LeGuin, no, uh… I actually don’t read that much sci-fi, so I wouldn’t know who else.

¡O! ¡Ray Bradbury! He did sci-fi, & some o’ it was quite great, like “All Summer in a Day”. Too bad his most popular novel was kinda crappy. Seriously: the fact that that dystopian hand-me-down gets so much attention & not his October-themed stories or Something Wicked this Way Comes or Death is a Lonely Business is a greater crime than that guy who listed some crappy Warhammer 40,000 books as the best sci-fi.

You know, that reminds me o’ this 1 site I was reading that had this same dipshit advice so they could peddle some mindless advice book, & the idiot was praising fucking Issac Asimov for writing that amazing story. After screaming @ the monitor, I was thinking, ¿How the hell do you expect me to trust your advice on writing when you can’t e’en tell the difference from the guy who inspired the “Laws of Robotics” & the guy who always bitches ’bout how technology is ruining the world & how photographers gotta get off his lawn, they can’t steal his house’s soul, god damn it?

I’d post a link, but I can’t find the article, ’cause I think the person replaced all her posts with the same advertisement. Might as well get straight to the point.

13. The only 2 important literary lenses for writing are “plot” & “marketing”

14. Just get a degree in business

Since you clearly despise writing as anything but a chore you can pimp out as a marketing tool, you might as well do so in a way that’s much mo’ profitable.

15. Don’t fucking do it

The secret reason you spend mo’ time reading ’bout Pokémon glitches is ’cause it’s actually mo’ enjoyable than puking out 400 words o’ day o’ mindless busywork.

16. Get a real job, asshole

I’m serious. I know ’twas cute when we said that chapter book ’bout Pikachu & Squirtle was great when you were 7, but you’re 26 now & they’re hiring up @ Burger King.

¿Liked it? ¡Take a second to support this idiot on Patreon!
Posted in Literature Commentary