The Mezunian

Die Positivität ist das Opium des Volkes, aber der Spott ist das Opium der Verrückten

Let’s Live-Stream the US’s 21st Century Beer Hall Putsch Committee

Later Addendum: Since I ne’er revisited this lovely topic, I ne’er got a chance to update on my latest opinion on these committees. Believe it or not I did watch the rest o’ them & I did find the later ones far mo’ enlightening, but clearly not worthy material for satire. Thus, don’t put much stock in my dismissive opinions o’ this 1st committee, which was mostly already-known info.

Yawn. Ordinary Americans don’t care ’bout silly things like an attempted coup to set up a fascist dictatorship. ¿Why isn’t there a committee on gas prices, sis? ¿Who cares ’bout the possibility o’ any citizen being arrested & e’en killed without trial when I have to pay an extra $ per mile?

You have no idea how goofy it feels to see such a serious committee shown on YouTube — ¡but a’least the January 6th Committee got their checkmark! — next to a chat full o’ conspiracy theorists & dank memes — ’cause ’course — & videos by meme music critic, Red Hot Chili Peppers music video, & Pokémon challenge video:

I’m glad that the chairman decided to start for several minutes babbling ’bout US history for several minutes ’stead o’ getting to the point o’ what happened on 1/6 — the actual point o’ this committee.

On the other hand, that sick Day At The Fair song reference is worth it all. I ne’er would’ve guessed Mr. Thomson was a pop-punk fan.

Cheney: “You will hear that Trump was angry @ the idea o’ doing mo’”. Well, that’s no news in any situation.

Deadpan Cheney: “A bunch o’ proud boys invaded the capitol”. Lesson: don’t be committing infamous insurrection when you can’t be bothered to write a better name for yourselves.

Genius on Reddit asking the important questions:

A bunch o’ criminals acting on Trump’s behalf ask to be pardoned by Trump. Sounds like the glorious Constitution letting the US president pardon anyone they want was a stupid idea.

I almost forgot ’bout that: “We love you. You’re very special. Go home”. I love how that is both unquestionably collusive & incredibly silly. Imagine baffled schoolchildren being forced to read that in a history book.

Cheney’s empty speech: “…to be ruled by law, not by men”. Me, obnoxiously anal-retentive: “¡But laws are just made by people, you fool!”.

I’m not surprised Jefferson called Washington stepping down a miracle: he hated him.

“¡These are our streets!”, chud says as he pointed to sidewalk.

“¡We love Trump!”. They couldn’t e’en come up with clever slogans.

It’s morbid for me to says so ( ¡’Cause I’m ne’er one to be morbid! ), but I can’t help noticing how good this video editing for the footage o’ the insurrection is, going back & forth from the riot & the congressional meeting.

“The Crypt is breached”. (Laughs). ¿What? So e’en congress admits they’re ol’ zombies.

I’m mixed on this committee — similar to what I felt watching the presidential debates: on 1 hand, it’s mostly obvious shit that’s been out there for anyone to find for themselves if they had the smallest semblance o’ curiosity, elongated with long, sappy, emotionally-driven empty words with easy meat ’bout being American; on the other hand, the vast majority o’ Americans are uneducated, so you can’t just lay on thick but curt details & facts & expect them to comprehend it.

Also, I will ne’er feel myself die inside whene’er I hear some serious politician say “Proud Boys”. ¡God damn it, he just did it ’gain!

Former Proud Boy looking real hipster.

I can’t believe that cringe Darth Vader video by Señor Proud Boy there.

You may be paying attention to all those li’l facts ’bout quick reaction forces & all the illegal weapons they had on them, blah, blah, blah, but you probably missed the most vital crime: “The hotel was not as satisfactory as we hoped”.

Everyone else online makes dumb jokes ’bout tacos, which aren’t e’en funny in & o’ themselves. I can’t believe they’re all e’en less funny than I am.

A’least The Onion is still funny as always:

Genius 4D Chess Conspiracy Theorist: “‘F. U. C. K. Antifa’. That just proves that they were antifa”.

Mo’ controversial news: those cowards @ Fox News caved on their promise not to show the Committee. Guess they’re greedy capitalist side o’erran their fear o’ hurting their ulterior goals, so they couldn’t miss out on those sexy extra views. “Aw, ¿Hunter Biden? ¿’Gain? I’m watching the committee on CNN”.

Mr. Thompson summarizes Officer Edwards’s testimony: ’twas very violent. Thanks, I didn’t know that. I saw those photos o’ the capitol on fucking fire & thought, “This is fine”, like that dog.

Typical Democrats: “¡Let’s hear the insurrectionists’ side!”.

I love the idiot saying, “What disappointed me was that Trump said he’d be there & he wasn’t”. Probably still hasn’t learned. The scam ne’er ends.

Chud: “Trump only asked me for 2 things: he asked me to vote & to cum on January 6”.

Yeah, not that I don’t doubt that Trump is responsible for 1/6, but I didn’t find this committee very illuminating. Most o’ the information was already known, the only new information was a few Republicans trying to distance themselves from Trump, mainly that one guy who was focusing on pardons during the insurrection, & that British documentarian finding that info ’bout the secret weapons & going to the capitol before Trump’s speech to scope out the place, which was smothered in irrelevant bullshit ’bout where they ate lunch & the hotel they went to, & then most o’ the 2 hours were dedicated to showing how violent & extreme ’twas, which isn’t new information. In short, I give this committee a 4/10 & I give this live blog a 2/10, ’cause it turns out, shockingly ’nough, that I can’t be funny when trying to furiously type shit out as it’s happening. I’ll stick to my usual strategy o’ taking several months to a year to mull o’er shit I write so it can become outdated & irrelevant by then.

In fact, I would say this committee & my blog post specially were…

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Posted in Politics