“Divorced dad rock” is a common derisive term used gainst a vague mass o’ music, usually late 90s – early 2010s post-grunge, hard rock, & nu-metal music that had a style o’ mellow angst that would seem to apply to the kind o’ stereotypically regressive divorced ( usually white, since the assumption is that the average black man would be e’en mo’ disheartened @ the prospect o’ listening to these ignoble sub-genres & seeing what the crackers did with the rock genre they’d spawned; & in any way most o’ them had long past given up mainstream rock — we can’t include hipsters who listen to hardcore punk or black metal, as their whole goal is to be anomalous — as a lost cause to the crackers & have long moved on to hiphop & R&B ) man who is in need o’ catharsis from their music, but are too toxically masculine for traditional sad music, whose lyrics oft include bitterness o’er relationship troubles with a woman, oft with misogynous undertones, tho it may just be ’bout vague conflict gainst some “enemy” or angsty self-aggrandizing ’bout being “alone” or a “demon”. The stereotypical image is o’ a middle-aged beer-chugging ( usually working-class, since, let’s be honest, this stereotype was largely devised by college-educated middle class self-elected music-listening “elites” to look down @ the rabble ) trailer-park-dwelling white trash loser in a wife-beater & a motorcycle they bought during a midlife crisis & the common bands given as prime examples are either fake tough-guy angsty hard rock like Godmack or Five Finger Death Punch or masculine wangst like Nickelback, Creed, or Staind.

Now, I am no self-elected music elitist: in fact, tho I am college educated & middle class now ( & I am a hipster effete ’nough to prefer robes & denim skirts o’er wifebeaters & prefer public transportation o’er motorcycles ), my family are white trash ’nough that I once did spend a summer living in a trailer when I was in high school, & I did, in fact, grow up with a healthy dose o’ all 5 o’ these bands. Howe’er, as those familiar with other entries in this series know, I am also not music elitist ’nough to be insecure ’bout the music I listen to, which is why I have no problem polluting my YouTube recommendations with shit like Saliva ( in any case, the music I actually like listening to is the kind o’ weird mix o’ hipster experimental & mainstream trash like el horso that makes Creed look like real art ), so I have no problem joining in on the fun o’ making fun o’ this kind o’ music.

Howe’er, for this album I’m less interested in meming ’bout each o’ its enormous 43 tracklist, — tho I will be doing so, too — but seeing how well these songs fit within the genre o’ “divorced dad rock”. I’ve seen plenty o’ playlists & they oft include bizarre, seemingly arbitrary choices, so we’ll see if this seemingly official album does better.

1. “Here Without You”, 3 Doors Down

We start this album with a weepy, sad song that would be considered emo if 3 Doors Down weren’t a band so mainstream & plain they make Matchbox 20 look like Joy Division. I don’t hate on this band as much as other people — e’en tho, yes, I know they cringily played for the 2012 Republican Convention ( contrast that with Rage Against the Machine, who were far less biased: they played for both conventions ) — but I’m not particularly fond o’ this song unless I’m playing the Rock Band 3 version, which is a great way to test hammer-ons.

¿But does it make a good divorced dad song? I mean, it is sad & is ’bout losing someone & is from a band one would expect the kind of ol’ boring person who’d sit round listening to music while pining ’bout their divorce would listen to. Granted, I always suspected this song was ’bout a dying loved one, since it’d be very creepy to sing ’bout how their ex is “still on [ their ] lonely mind” & how they “think about you, baby” & how they “dream about you all the time”; but then Genius showed me an interview by this song’s composer where he outright says that, yes, ’twas inspired by an ex. I’d be curious to know how she felt ’bout it.

So, yeah, this 1st track is a perfect fit for divorced dad rock.

Relevance: S

2. “Scars”, Papa Roach

We can ne’er escape Big Poppa Roach. This is from an album we surprisingly haven’t looked @ yet, Getting Away with Murder. It’s cheesy & melodramatic, but I can’t not love this song for the same reason — tho the decision to not go with the Spanish-language version is cowardly.

In stark contrast to the previous track, which is ’bout someone stalking their ex, this is ’bout how the protagonist wants nothing to do with the ex. Or a’least that’s what it sounds like it’s about: apparently, according to composer Jacoby Shaddix, it’s ’bout a “horrible night in Vegas that changed my fucking life”, whate’er that means. Still, people reinterpret songs to fit their needs all the time, — I still insist that Arctic Monkeys’ “Crying Lightning” is literally ’bout a lightning storm, e’en tho I’m pretty sure that’s also ’bout relationship troubles — & I could definitely see a divorced dad getting drunk & singing karaoking to this to vent his frustration @ his mean ol’ ex.

Relevance: A

3. “Whiskey Hangover”, Godsmack

E’ery song by Godsmack is divorced dad rock, especially 1 with the title, “Whiskey Hangover”, so we don’t e’en need to waste any time making any kind o’ argument.

Relevance: S

4. “She Hates Me”, Puddle of Mudd

This is the kind o’ song I bring up whene’er anyone has the audacity to claim that Nickelback — much less Limp Bizkit or Creed, who sound like Led Zeppelin compared to this band — are the worst band, when nothing Nickelback has made comes e’en close to this sonic atrocity.

&, yeah, with its drunken guitar plicking & “singing” that doesn’t e’en sound like Wes Scantlin is trying to sing ’bout how she fucking hates him, this is a perfect song for some lame-ass divorced dad.

Relevance: S

5. “You’re Gonna Go Far, Kid”, The Offspring

After a strong 4-track streak, this album starts to really lose me with this song, which is a sarcastically peppy pop punk song ’bout some vague master manipulator — probably Bush or some vague US president, given the single’s cover showing the US bald eagle looking angry, tho, given this came out just before the end o’ Bush’s presidency, I’m not sure what the point o’ the former would be. I could see someone interpreting the lyrics ’bout some lying, manipulative ex & singing ’long to the song as mo’ snarky bitter venting than beer-in-hand depression, but it still feels like a weird choice, especially since The Offspring have a much, much better option in the form o’ “She’s Got Issues” or “Feelings”, both from their much mo’ popular album, Americana.

There’s also the genre mismatch: ¿aren’t divorced dad rock s’posed to be in the realm o’ post-grunge or hard rock — you know, boring bands trying to sound tough but failing that are s’posed to appeal to middle-aged people who wear wifebeaters & own a motorcycle they ne’er ride or some shit, like Godsmack? ¿How does a snarky 90s pop-punk band by a bunch o’ nerds whose lead singer has a PhD in molecular biology appeal to that stereotypical wifebeater-wearing motorcyclist? Yeah, they’re ol’; but you can’t just call any ol’ band “divorced dad rock”, or it means nothing. Nobody considered boomers who listened to Led Zeppelin or the Beatles in the 90s divorced dads; they were just out-o’-touch boomers. The divorced dad boomers were the ones listening to the fucking piña colada song or the original version o’ “Feelings”. No sane person considers all out-o’-touch millennials divorced dads; only the ones who still listen to bands like Hinder or Puddle of Mudd unironically & not just so they can snark ’bout it on a blog.

Relevance: D

6. “Fly Away”, Lenny Kravitz

& we just get worse from here. ¡“Fly Away”? ¡“Fly Away”? ¿The funky, catchy song ’bout wanting to fly ’way like a dragonfly or to see the Milky Way? ¿In what world is that divorced dad rock? It’s so happy & hopeful & just a fun song that has nothing to do with divorce. I mean, yeah, a divorced dad may indeed want to listen to this song to distract himself from his unhappiness: but a divorced dad just as may want to listen to Kirby music for the same reason. Again: @ this point the term becomes meaningless.

I mean, if you were going to pick a Lenny Kravitz song, it should’ve been “American Woman”.

Relevance: F

7. “The Kill (Bury Me)”, Thirty Seconds to Mars

¿A fucking emo song that isn’t e’en ’bout lost love? ¡A’least pick a Fall Out Boy song! This sounds less like a song a divorced dad — certainly not the stereotypical wifebeater-wearing motorcycle-owning dudebro mentioned earlier — would listen to & mo’ a song your cringe middle-aged millennial mom & dad would listen to @ their high school reunion after having a few too many drinks & singing it to themselves incompetently while trying to pretend they’re back in high school again.

Still, it is sad & the lines “I am finished with you” & “what if I wanted to break” a’least could be interpreted as breakup lyrics, so it’s far from the worst example.

Relevance: C

8. “Father of Mine”, Everclear

¡IN WHAT UNIVERSE DOES IT MAKE SENSE FOR A DIVORCED DAD TO WANT TO LISTEN TO A SONG FROM THE PERSPECTIVE O’ THE CHILD O’ A DEADBEAT DAD WHO THE CHILD SAYS BEAT HIS WIFE & WHOM THE CHILD CLEARLY DESPISES? This is s’posed to be songs that divorced dads listen to, not songs about divorced dads.

Relevance: F

9. “My Own Prison”, Creed

I mean, Creed is very much a divorced dad band, & this is a very mopey — but in a HARD, angsty way — song. ¿But would a song ’bout being stuck in “my own prison” really fit divorce? ¿Is divorce the prison? Sounds like it’d fit a dad who wishes he could get a divorce, but doesn’t want to have to pay child support or lose custody, so he sticks around “for the kids”.

For the record, I absolutely adore this song in all its cheesy melodrama: the deep “& I SAID OHHH…”s during the chorus & the absolutely gunky way Scott Strapp growls “SHOULDA BEEN DEAD ON A SUNDAY MORNING BANGING MY HEAD…”. That said, for me this is mo’ an “idiot trying to grind for a rare enemy encounter in Final Fantasy” song — that’s my own dorky-ass prison — than a divorced dad rock, but I admit my experiences aren’t e’eryone’s.

Relevance: B

10. “All American Nightmare”, Hinder

Ugh. As mentioned earlier, Hinder is a grade-A example o’ a band that divorced dads would listen to; ¿but this song, which is ’bout all the sexy girls the singer s’posedly gets? I mean, I guess it could be a song for divorced dads who are happy they’re divorced so they can have all the all night stands they want now. I feel like there were better choices that were mo’ popular: “Lips of an Angel” would fit well with a dad divorced for cheating with an ol’ flame or “How Long” for dads divorced ’cause the wife was cheating. But by the standards o’ this album so far, this is a much better choice than fucking “Fly Away”.

Relevance: B

11. “Simple Man”, Lynyrd Skynyrd

& now we’re back to the weird examples — not the least since I’m surprised, given this album’s focus on 2000s rock, this wasn’t the Shinedown cover. This song is ’bout, ’mong other things, how the young protagonist’s mother is telling him how he’ll eventually get married, making this a weirdly hopeful song for a past-his-prime divorced dad. It’s also too classic &, quite frankly, well-respected a song to be the kind o’ novelty cringe a divorced dad would listen to. Again, you can’t just call any boomer song divorced dad rock.

Relevance: D

12. “Call Me When You’re Sober”, Evanescence

Including a song by a woman in “divorced dad rock” is an interesting choice; tho there’s no reason why a divorced dad couldn’t find just as much solace commiserating with a woman who’s had a break up as with another man; & this song literally is ’bout the singer breaking up with someone: specifically the lead singer o’ another band, Seether, Shaun Morgan. I expect to see that band somewhere on this list, since they have tons o’ divorced dad rock material. &, you know what else, it’s also just a very good song in itself. Hell, I’ve ne’er e’en been interested in being in a relationship with anyone & I like to sing along to this song ’cause it’s just got great vocals.

Relevance: B

13. “Anthem of the Underdog”, 12 Stones

I don’t e’en know who the hell this band is, but as soon as I heard this song’s opening strained post-grunge singing that sounds like bootleg Skillet I knew this band a’least was divorced dad rock material. & indeed, looking @ the lyrics, it sounds like it might be ’bout someone whose been broken up with the lyrics, “& you’re here now feeling the pain of a thousand hearts”, which would sound emo if not for the bombastic hard rock sound — & that’s what I interpret divorced dad rock to be: hard rock emo.

Relevance: A

14. “Tear Away”, Drowning Pool

I mean, if anything, it’s nice to get acknowledgment that Drowning Pool did mo’ than the “bodies hit the floor” song, especially this song, whose calm, cool chorus crooning ’bout how the singer, “don’t care about anyone else but me”, especially the end o’ the 2nd verse leading up to the bridge, where the singer says with heavy filtering, “god damn i love me”.

& I guess you could interpret this song’s lyrics as being ’bout someone whose selfishness pushes ’way love interests & I guess this band’s nu-metal mellow angst sound would be popular with divorced dads… but I just feel like there are far mo’ fitting choices that we haven’t seen yet. Plus, the implications o’ the stereotypical divorced dad is usually that he lacks the self-awareness to blame himself for the relationship falling apart, certainly not in the calm way this song does.

Relevance: C

15. “Say It Ain’t So”, Weezer

Sigh, this is the same problem as “Father of Mine”, but maybe less egregious, since Rivers Cuomo seemed much mo’ conflicted ’bout his feelings for his father & stepfather than Art Alexakis’s righteous vitriol gainst his alleged wifebeating father. Yes, this is a song ’bout divorced dads in a way, but, ’gain, it’s ’bout the child’s perspective & the lingering affect it left on them, making it mo’ “child o’ divorced dad” rock than music a divorced dad would want to listen to. & again, this is pop-punk emo, & a band that is a bit o’ a meme ’mong gen z, to boot. Calling Weezer divorced dad rock is like calling Smash Mouth or My Chemical Romance divorced dad rock: it’s just wrong, not the least ’cause most Weezer fans are probably still too socially maladjusted to get a girlfriend @ all, much less a wife.

Grade: F

16. “Touch, Peel and Stand”, Days of The New

Days of the New is 1 o’ those post-grunge bands barely anyone remembers, but ’mong those who do, they’re considered a bit o’ a cult classic, 1 o’ the few post-grunge bands with any kind o’ critical respect, probably due to the relative obscurity & due to the early end o’ the band & the sad way it came ’bout, too. & indeed, I did always loved this song’s swampy guitar & bass notes.

That being said, we have to be honest with ourselves & admit that this is far from the worst example o’ divorced dad rock with its mellow angst post-grunge sound. & while this song is almost certainly ’bout the singer abusing himself with drugs, the lines, “you’re always talking back to me / you won’t let it go”, show how this self-abuse includes pushing ’way ones loved ones, leaving one alone. @ the very least, it’d be hard to deny that this would make a good song for a dad who ended up divorced due to drug problems, which I can only imagine is a common cause for divorce.

Relevance: B

17. “New Tattoo”, Saving Abel

Saving Abel is ’nother post-grunge band that isn’t very well known; but unlike Days of the New, they’re not respected critically, & that’s probably ’cause, unlike Days of the New, they blow ass. Also, Days of the New hit it in the late 90s when grunge was still somewhat fresh, whereas Saving Abel came up in the late 2000s when people were sick o’ post-grunge. I’m almost certain I won’t remember this song with its plodding drums & weak vocals trying & failing to sound smooth & tough before I’m e’en done with this post.

This song is like Hinder’s “All American Nightmare” in that it’s mo’ ’bout going out on one night stands with women, so mo’ for dads happy they’re divorced. If the band weren’t completely forgotten by e’eryone but me, I’d think that the band Rehab’s “Last Tattoo” would fit better, as that is clearly ’bout a man bitter ’bout a breakup & has the same white-trash mellow angst sound.

Relevance: B

18. “If You Could Only See”, Tonic

Terrible choice, absolutely terrible. You boneheads, this song is ’bout someone being in love with someone, not breaking up with someone. ¡This is the last song a divorced dad wants to hear! Especially an older, past-his-prime divorced dad, since it’s ’bout a young man being in love with an older woman. Also, an alt rock band like Tonic feels way off course for the stereotypical divorced dad demographic.

Relevance: F

19. “My Sacrifice”, Creed

Since I’m probably ne’er going to do a post on the album whence this song comes, now is the only time where I can come out in say it: this song sounds nice. Honestly, in general Creed isn’t that bad a band & have genuinely good music; they just have a terrible singer who sounds like he’s choking on a squirrel as he sings & has a lot o’ drama surrounding him — most seriously getting a felony for domestic abuse gainst his wife — & has goofy, sappy lyrics — as evident by Alter Bridge, which is just Creed with a better lead singer, being liked as much as they are.

Also, this is an e’er weirder choice than “My Own Prison”, given how hopeful this song sounds & how it’s ’bout trying to build back one’s life after terrible times. I guess that fits for a divorced dad trying to rebuild his life after said divorce… Honestly, thinking ’bout it mo’, Creed feels less like divorced dad rock & mo’ like “person who converted to Christianity because they ruined their life with drugs & feel like they need some kind o’ external magic to keep them from being a fuckup” rock. I’d ne’er gotten a sense that a Creed fan would wear wifebeaters or think o’ themselves as that tough as, say, a Godsmack or Five Finger Death Punch fan.

Also, since we’re talking ’bout this song in particular, I have to bring up the hilarious MadTV parody o’ postgrunge, which includes a parody o’ this song’s goofy music video with them rowing a boat thru a flooded city:

Relevance: C

20. “Lips of an Angel”, Hinder

O, here we go: I was waiting for this. As I said, this is a perfect song for a dad who got divorced ’cause he got caught cheating, & Hinder is the perfect sound for the stereotypical divorced dad.

God, this song sounds so bad. It makes the worst 80s metal ballad sound like Otis Redding. Unlike, Creed, whose sappiness is funny — mainly ’cause Scott Strapp is so bad @ sappy singing with his gremlin voice — this song has so much cheese it makes me feel sick listening to it.

Relevance: A

21. “Forever”, Papa Roach

E’en when this album doesn’t pick weird bands, — Papa Roach is a perfectly good choice for divorced dad rock — sometimes the songs they pick are surprising, especially when they’re lesser known songs, like this 1. ¿How many people remember this 1?

This is, like the 1st track, a creepy example, since it’s a romantic song ’bout how the singer’s “feelings for you are forever”; howe’er, unlike 3 Doors Down, Jacoby Shaddix is not a complete creep ( as far as I know ), & this song isn’t ’bout an ex o’ Shaddix’s, but, hilariously, ’bout drug use: it’s apparently ’bout Shaddix deciding to give up on his “7-8 years of debauchery” & presumably a bittersweet feelings he have ’bout giving up something that is so unhealthy, but also probably brought a lot o’ fun & good memories. Honestly, that’s a cool, funny idea for a song & makes me like this song mo’.

This song loses points on relevancy because e’en if maybe a divorced dad might want to listen to this song to commiserate ’bout his ex, he shouldn’t, & while Papa Roach in general oft sounds like a divorced dad rock, this song sounds like 1 o’ their lesser o’ that sound, having a much gently, smoother sound: it’s certainly mellow, but there’s hardly any angst.

Relevance: B

22. “I Stand Alone”, Godsmack

“I stand alone” sounds like the perfect cope a divorced dad would tell himself while putting on his wifebeater & revving up his own midlife-crisis motorcycle while cranking up his good ol’ Godsmack.

Relevance: S

23. “Everyone’s Fool”, Evanescence

OK, I defended the earlier Evanescence song, ’cause ’twas literally ’bout a break up, but this is a song primarily aimed @ teenage women feeling pressured to fit in with society. I’m not saying a divorced dad couldn’t like this song: I’m saying one who does is either too progressive to fit into the denigrating stereotype that people harbor when they use the term or is way too interested in matters regarding teenage women to not merit being put on a list.

Relevance: F

24. “Savior”, Rise Against

I don’t care how ol’ this song or I am: this will always be a youthful anthem. Also, pop punk is not divorced dad rock — just stop. This is less egregious than the earlier pop punk examples, since this song is ’bout a breakup; but it feels mo’ like an angsty teenage breakup than the breakup o’ a douchy, past-his-prime dad.

Relevance: D

25. “Paralyzer”, Finger Eleven

No, no, no. ¿What idiot put this on the list? This is a club dance jam ’bout getting ladies, not ’bout getting divorced. The last thing some mopey divorced dad wants to hear is this happy song ’bout going out & partying when he clearly isn’t. It doesn’t e’en have the bitter cope that “All American Nightmare” & “New Tattoo” have, either. Furthermo’, the singer sings with a kind o’ youthful wallflower shyness o’ someone who probably hasn’t had a girlfriend yet, much less been divorced. Finally, this indie-pop sound doesn’t gel with the “divorced dad” energy @ all. Like the Thirty Seconds to Mars song earlier, this sounds mo’ like a song a cringe ol’ married couple would sing to each other @ the bar; it’s too romantic for divorced dads.

Worse, there are much better Finger Eleven songs: ¡“Talking to the Walls” is literally ’bout whining ’bout how “bent & broken” the singer is “since I’ve been without you”! ¡& that was from the same album as “Paralyzer”!

Relevance: F

26. “The Diary of Jane”, Breaking Benjamin

I was waiting for ol’ Ben to show up. Sigh. I love this song, but, yeah, I can see this as divorced dad rock. I mean, when I look up “divorced dad rock” in Google, 1 o’ their top questions is “Is Breaking Benjamin divorced dad rock?” & Google’s “AI Overview” answers bluntly, “Yes” — & as the wise Karl Jobst said, “AI never lies. I mean give me a single example that AI was every wrong. You can’t”. & tho this song is mo’ ’bout the protagonist obsessing pining o’er a women he probably has ne’er been able to get, I can see a divorced dad twisting that to be ’bout his obsession with his ex or just his obsession with having love or sex after losing it.

Relevance: A

27. “What If”, Creed

These opening notes sound eerily similar to the Beatles’ “She’s So Heavy”. This is especially funny, given that after this nice sounding symphony, we suddenly get Scott Strapp shouting @ the listener like Cletus from The Simpsons with corny-ass whitebread riffs. Also, ¿this was made for Scream 3? I ne’er watched that movie, but the idea o’ asking Creed to make a horror movie — e’en a comedic horror movie — song is hilarious.

Anyway, this is a better choice than the other Creed songs, since it sounds angry & bitter; & tho it’s probably not ’bout an ex, the vague vitriol gainst someone else who “lied” & how the singer wants “an eye for an eye” could certainly be twisted to serve an evil ex.

Relevance: A

28. “One Headlight”, The Wallflowers

While sad, this song is not ’bout divorce, but maybe ’bout a loved one dying; & there’s no bitter sad angst, but weak hope. Also, nobody thinks alt rock is divorced dad rock material. I’m pretty sure the stereotypical “divorced dad” would find this song “gay”.

Relevance: D

29. “When I’m Gone”, 3 Doors Down

God damn it, now you’re fucking up with bands that could be candidates for divorced dad rock. Listen to the fucking lyrics to this song: ¿does it sound like divorced dad material? “So hold me when I’m here, right me when I’m wrong”. ¿Does that sound like bitter divorce material? No, it’s romantic love gestures from someone who has to leave his lover to the regret o’ both o’ them, presumably temporarily, & probably either to go on tour or to go fight in a war. Only a divorced dad under the delusion that he’s not divorced would want to listen to this.

Relevance: F

30. “Addicted”, Saving Abel

I’m gonna go apeshit:

I’m so addicted to
all the things you do
when you’re going down on me
in between the sheets

I think it should be completely uncontroversial for me to assert that no romantic song or song ’bout making love or being addicted to someone should be a contender for “divorced dad rock”, e’en when by a band as buttrock-ass as Saving Abel.

Relevance: F

31. “Between Angels and Insects”, Papa Roach

¿Did the curator for this list just read this song title & assume it’s ’bout a broken relationship & not antimaterialism? I mean, yeah, maybe a divorced dad might cope by saying, “take my money, I don’t need that shit” when his wife & her superior lawyer takes him to the cleaners, but that requires some creative imagining.

Relevance: C

32. “Bound for the Floor”, Local H

OK, this band was ol’ when I became a young adult, & I still think this is a youthful band, especially when this song involves a bunch o’ kids on… whate’er that playground wheel thing is. ¿Who else is divorced dad rock? ¿Nirvana? ¿Sonic Youth? This song is ’bout the grunge angst the youth felt during the 90s, not an ol’ man whining ’bout his mean ol’ ex leaving him.

Relevance: D

33. “Control”, Puddle of Mudd

God damn it, they did it ’gain… O’ all the Puddle of Mudd songs that would’ve made perfect fits, you picked the song ’bout how the singer is having so much filthy sex & how he “hates it” ( read: loves it ) & “you’re not the one for me” ( read: “you’re bad for me, but I love it” ). This is, ’gain, a romantic song. It’s a gross & stupid song, — especially the way he keeps talking ’bout how he loves “the way you smack my ass” in the most white-trash-ass drawl while dramatically increasing his voice — but still a romantic song.

Relevance: F

34. “With Arms Wide Open”, Creed

¿How many Creed songs are on here? ¿Why does Nickelback get no love? They make a better divorced dad band.

This is a hopeful song ’bout the singer realizing he is ’bout to become a father, which is almost the opposite o’ a dad becoming divorced & most likely losing custody o’ his children. Congratulations, curator: you picked literally the least-fitting Creed song.

Relevance: F

35. “Re-Education (Through Labor)”, Rise Against

¿What the fuck? OK, this just makes me laugh out loud, ’cause it’s such an out-there pick: this is a political radical pop punk song whose title ironically compares the brutality o’ capitalist societies to the prison systems o’ totalitarian communist regimes. ¿What does that have to do with divorced dads? I mean, yeah, I guess it’s possible for a divorced dad to, while pondering the breakdown o’ his marriage, turn his attention to the material conditions that might have led to that breakdown & may come to blame the capitalist system o’ production for his divorce & become a radical communist as a result. Again: requires a lot o’ imagining to get to that conclusion, tho.

Relevance: F

36. “All Over You”, Live

OK, this is just the curator being an idiot who wasn’t paying attention to the lyrics: they heard “all over you” & interpreted it as being ’bout breaking up with someone; but if you pay close attention to the lyrics, the singer is actually talking ’bout how they’re all o’er each other like water & how she lays him down — it’s a song ’bout having sex. So we have yet ’nother romantic “divorced dad” song.

Relevance: F

37. “Hands Down”, Dashboard Confessional

Yes, this twink-ass emo song is totally what a wifebeater-wearing middle aged divorced man would listen to & not what a mopey middle-class teenager would listen to while putting on their mascara.

Relevance: F

38. “Downfall”, TRUSTCompany

Honestly, by this point I’m so numb to bad choices that I just feel like shrugging @ this choice. Sure. ¿Why not? It feels a bit too calm for the stereotypically wangsty divorced dad & a bit too emo & it seems to be mo’ a plea to the other to break up with the protagonist, not complaining ’bout being rejected, but maybe a divorced dad could view this as cope: “I was the one who broke up with her”. I mean, nobody e’er specified that the divorced dad wasn’t the one who initiated the divorce — that was always implied, but technically ne’er specified.

Also, I had no idea this song came out in 2002. It’s not that surprising stylistically, since this kind o’ postgrunge / nu-metal / emo kind o’ music was common then. It’s not too far from Chevelle or Taproot. But I remember hearing this song on the local buttrock station — 99.9 ¡THE ROCK!, which, I shit you not, back when I listened to it in high school had talk shows called “The Morning BJ” & “The Men’s Room”, which were exactly what you’d expect — in the early 2010s, so I figured ’twas part o’ that era I called the “undead grunge” era, when postgrunge had really started to decay, with bands like Redlight King, Halestorm, & 10 Years. I can feel the nostalgia flowing into me while thinking ’bout these long-forgotten bands already.

Relevance: C

39. “Whatever It Takes”, Lifehouse

O, god, yes, this fits great with its hokey fake KFC twang & the stalkerish wangst ’hind lines like, “i’ll do whatever it takes to turn this around”. Also, this chrous’s melody sounds like a copy o’ Buckcherry’s “Sorry”, which is probably ’cause it sounds like the most cliché wangst melody.

Relevance: S

40. “Fix Me”, 10 Years

¡Speak o’ the devil! Now this song did come out 2010, when I remember hearing it all the time on that aforementioned buttrock station. &, yes, its petrified postgrunge angst telling you, “don’t try to fix me”, & how they “feed on the friction” fits that “fuck you, I’m not mad, but I’m gonna listen to a bunch o’ songs ’bout being mad” energy that defines divorced dad rock.

Relevance: S

41. “Suffocate”, Cold

As soon as I heard the sewer-sounding low guitar strings, followed by a voice with an accent I don’t recognize but sounds like the accent a poor white person somewhere would have saying, “i could take e’ery fuckin’ word she said / throw it in her face”, I knew this was a perfect fit for this album.

I almost thought I’d ne’er heard o’ this band, — I certainly don’t remember this song — but ’pon looking them up, I ran into this song called “Just Got Wicked”, which I do remember ’cause… just listen to that song & tell me you wouldn’t remember how goofy it is. I think they stopped playing this nu-metal wannabe band on the radio before I got into rock, so I missed this band ’long with other early B-list nu-metal bands like Coal Chamber, Mushroomhead, & Skindred, & only found this song a couple years ago while watching random music videos.

Relevance: S

42. “Crawling in the Dark”, Hoobastank

I’m not feeling this choice. This sounds mo’ like ✝-rock than divorced dad rock & sounds mo’ like what some teenaged emo would make an Inuyasha AMV for, — &, in fact, I was able to find a’least 4 do exist in amazing crusty Game Boy Advance resolutions — not something a divorced dad would listen to while drinking beers in his man cave. “¿is there something more than what i’ve been handed?” just doesn’t sound like a line from divorced dad rock.

Relevance: D

43. “Overcome”, Creed

This album compiler overcame @ the thought o’ adding Creed songs to this album, as I think this is the 5th song. & this is from their 2009 “comeback” that e’eryone ignored, — I ne’er heard this single on the radio — which is surprising, as it sounds better than a lot o’ their earlier work with that guitar solo in the bridge & Scott Strapp sounding less stuffy & mumbly in his singing. Honestly, it’s a better choice than nearly all o’ the earlier choices, since it has a mo’ southern sound than their other work, is much less gentle-sounding, & is ’bout overcoming some vague troubles, which could include being divorced.

Relevance: B

Conclusion

As you’ve probably already gathered, I was not impressed by the song choices in this list. In fact, this list had some o’ the worst song choices imaginable. There was also a lack o’ variety & a shocking lack o’ expected bands. I can only imagine there were licensing issues behind Nickelback being missing, as ’bout half o’ All the Right Reasons could be considered divorced dad rock. Same could be said for the absence o’ Theory of a Dead Man, which is near the top o’ divorced dad rock.

Because o’ this, I’ve decided to provide my own list o’ songs I think would’ve worked better, not including the songs I praised from this album, like “She Hates Me”.

“No Surprise”, Theory of a Deadman

It was certainly a surprise this song wasn’t on this album with its squeaky bootleg saloon guitar melodies & with a chorus like this:

well it ain’t no surprise
that you turn me on & leave
it ain’t no surprise
that you turn it around on me
i don’t know why
you won’t give me what i need
it ain’t no surprise
that that bitch is leavin’ me

If that ain’t divorced dad rock material, I don’t know what is.

I would also add “Bitch Came Back” as another excellent choice. If you’re sitting their with curiosity & dread, I have to confirm your worst fears, but, yes, that is a remix o’ the ol’ blues song, “The Cat Came Back”. & that’s not e’en the worst song this band has concocted, either. People who call Nickelback the worst band e’er are blissfully ignorant o’ the true depths music can stoop.

But the upside o’ this is that it gives me surely my 1 & only chance to show you guys this ol’ Canadian cartoon, which will make a nice break from divorced dad rock:

“Someday”, Nickelback

Speaking o’ Nickelback… — & Canadians — It actually took me a bit to decide on what song to prioritize, since many, including “Should’ve Listened”, “Do This Anymore”, “Flat on the Floor”, &, as mentioned earlier, practically half o’ All the Right Reasons would’ve been good candidates. I picked this song ’cause o’ how big a single ’twas & how much it whines ’bout relationship problems while blaming the other — tho I probably would’ve chosen “Do This Anymore” if ’twas a single.

“Sorry”, Buckcherry

A better choice than the Lifehouse song.

“Walk Away”, Five Finger Death Punch

¿& how was Five Floured Danish Pies not on this list? I picked “Walk Away” because, I mean, just listen to the passive aggressive way he croaks out, “I’m sorry… for the demon i’ve become”.

Also, ¿has this song always been so shittily mixed or did Five Fantasy Dragon Power’s official YouTube video just upload an MP3 they found off a file sharing site? The high hats sound like someone dropping a bunch o’ silverware in the other room.

“Right Here”, Staind

Tho I’m surprised not to see this band on this list, to be honest, like Creed, this band’s a questionable choice, being on the gentler side, especially since I think most o’ Staind’s songs were ’bout angst toward parents rather than toward an ol’ lover. But “Right Away”, with lines like, “i’ve got some imperfections / but how could you collect them all & throw them in my face”, followed by a chorus talking ’bout how she’ll always have him “right here waiting” — for her restraining order, that is — & just the general passive aggressive tone makes this song a perfect fit.

Also, speaking o’ the band Cold from before, my YouTube recommendations tell me that Cold had a song featuring Staind’s lead singer. It sucks.

“Breakdown”, Seether

I’m also shocked @ the lack o’ Seether, given how many songs they made that would fit. I mainly included this song ’cause ’twas a response to Evanescence’s “Call Me When You’re Sober” above after Evanescence’s lead singer, Amy Lee, — that black-haired woman in the music video is clearly her — broke up with Seether’s lead singer, Shaun Morgan, & so it would’ve made a funny inclusion.

“Always”, Saliva

It’s a Saliva song & he’s nasally whining ’bout how he can’t live without you. I need to say nothing mo’.

“Home”, Three Days Grace

Sigh. I s’pose I should be glad this band was left off the list, but as much as I love this band, they’ve made plenty o’ relationship angst songs that could be classified as divorced dad rock. I picked this song o’er “I Hate Everything About You”, ’cause that song could arguably be a love song. “I Don’t Care” by Apocalyptica featuring Adam Gontier as the singer would also be a good choice, but probably isn’t nearly as well known as this song nowadays. Same could be said ’bout “Bitter Taste” — tho that song, ’long with its whole album, has a softer sound, so I don’t think it works as well as this song.

“All The Same”, Sick Puppies

& while we’re @ it, we should include the Australian Three Days Grace bootleg, the Sick Puppies. This is far from a well-known song, — honestly, ¿does anyone else e’en remember this band, & if so, do they remember any song other than “You’re Going Down”? — but this has a music video, which is good ’nough, & the cheesy shout during the bridge, “¡JUST GO AHEAD SAY IT! — you’re leaving / you’ll just come back running”, fits perfectly.

“Send the Pain Below”, Chevelle

I really like this song, — e’en if Chevelle is clearly bootleg Deftones — but just lol @ this song’s title. You can’t tell me a song that symbolizes a toxic relationship thru the emasculating image o’ genital mutilation isn’t prime divorced dad rock material.

“Happy?”, Mudvayne

You know, I’ve ne’er thought ’bout it, but I’m pretty certain this is a breakup song, with lyrics like, “tear me from myself / ¿are you feeling happy now?”.

“If You Only Knew”, Shinedown

Surprisingly, I don’t recall Shinedown having that many relationship angst songs, — a’least ’mong their singles; I’m not sifting thru their whole discography to find a fitting deep cut — but I found this song, which was apparently written ’bout an ex pregnant with the composer/singer’s kid.

“Last Time”, Fuel

“Hemorrhage (In My Head)” was way mo’ popular, this song being a deep cut, but that song’s ’bout the singer’s grandmother dying & seemed too sad & not angry ’nough. This song fits much better.

“You Oughta Know”, Alanis Morissette

I mean if we’re going to include songs by women like “Call Me When You’re Sober”, I don’t see why we’re leaving out “You Oughta Know” — I would certainly put it @ the top for “divorced mom rock”.

2nd Conclusion

I could probably find many mo’ better examples, but I think you get the point.

¿Remember Saliva? They did that song “Click Click Boom” & the album Every Six Seconds, which apparently went platinum. While not as popularly hated as the big nu-metal lolpigs like Limp Dick, Staind Boxer Shorts, or since their recent crashout brought them back to attention, Trapt Being Fascist Edgelords for Scraps o’ Attention, there are quite a few people who’ve memed on them, & my main rival in meming ’bout 2000s rock, Rocked’s “Regretting the Past”, covered the aforementioned Every Six Seconds.

I, howe’er, will not be covering that album, but what is apparently their least-selling album, Cinco Diablo, which, as this post’s title says, is just Spanish gibberish that translates to “5 Devil” & which no Spanish-speaking person says — which is why Google searches for that term just show this album or some sandwich — ’cause it sounds dumb as hell. Yes, that’s right: we’re digging e’en deeper than Rocked & going after the bottom o’ the bottom o’ the barrel.

¿Why did I pick this album? Where, I’ll just reveal how the sausage is made & give you my 3 ( nonbinding ) guidelines I follow when deciding what albums to review:

1. Ideally, Rocked hasn’t already covered it in “Regretting the Past”
2. Ideally, it’s not something that e’eryone on the internet talks ’bout
3. Ideally, it’s something I actually listened to in the 2000s & for which I harbor some nostalgia/embarrassment

While Every Six Seconds only fits 1 o’ those 3 criteria, unfortunately, Cinco Diablo fits all 3. I remember I stumbled ’pon this album @ my local library where I checked out albums instead o’ buying them, ’cause ’twas too broke & cheap & lol on the idea o’ e’en high school me paying money for fucking Saliva, & checked it out ’cause I remember this band as the “Click Click Boom” “Your Disease” — I actually preferred that song as a teen — band. I haven’t thought ’bout this album much since then beyond seeing it sometimes when digging thru my ol’ MP3s.

1. Family Reunion

¿Where do I e’en start? I love how the singer, Josey Scott, sings all tough & badass, but covers up his filthy mouth by saying “motherlovin’”. For all the flack they get for their goofy emo lyrics, Linkin Park were able to avoid swearing on their 1st 2 albums without anyone really noticing, ’cause they didn’t have to resort to words like “motherlovin’”, but for Saliva that would’ve taken actual creativity, so let’s just replace common profanities with substitutes your grandma would say instead for no reason.

Add to that the fact that this song is yet ’nother “let me make a big deal ’bout how I’m singing a song as the topic o’ the song itself”, clearly made to get crowds going in concerts, with Josey telling the audience to “sit back while i wrestle this microphone” — yeah, you show that microphone who’s tough. This song also sounds like the most halfassed attempt @ cultlike emotional manipulation o’ trying to pretend your crowd o’ randos are a “family” having a “reunion” & how them all coming together to watch a C-list nu-metal band sing 1 o’ their least successful singles will “make you feel all right” & make you “forget the world’s confusion”.

But forget the lyrics… That chorus… If you made the wise decision to avoid partaking o’ this song into your ears yourself, imagine a high-pitched squealing voice singing some hoedown-type ditty: “’cause here we come agiiiiiiiin / everybody get all your friiiiiiiiiiends”. People who are used to my reviews will note that I am by no means a full-on hipster: I’ve defended songs by Nickelback. Hell, I kinda like “Click Click Boom” & “Your Disease” in all their goofiness. So it says something when I, who grew up listening to this crap on the radio thruout the 2000s, wonder to myself how they e’er let this on the radio. I don’t e’en have anything to say ’bout the guitars & drums other than that they’re there, I guess.

Grade: F

2. My Own Worst Enemy

Believe it or not, this was a song I willingly listened to — & off the radio, too — back in high school, & possibly e’en burned to a CD from a CD I checked out from the library. In a world where I knew o’ far less music than I know now & now have @ the tip o’ my fingers much better music than the slop I’d happily take from mainstream radio, when I could tolerate any song with heavy drums, chugga-chugga riffing, & a man growling o’er it, I guess I could see myself liking this in the background.

&, you know, e’eryone hates on Josey Scott’s nasally voice, but I don’t think it’s always terrible. I think he does fine when singing the prechorus in this song. I mean, the lyrics are vague trash ’bout how “you” ( which guess is the protagonist, since he’s calling himself his own worse enemy ) made him bleed & killed his dreams. ¿What dreams? ¿What the hell are you talking ’bout?

But his singing gets much worse in the chorus proper, where he enunciates “you’re gonna be dead & gowan” in such a goofy way, &, as if mocking the listener begging for a reprieve from the sound o’ ass — & I think that’s a humble request IMO — the music becomes quieter & you get to hear him much mo’ clearly enunciate that “life goes owan”. As this album promised, this is, indeed, diabolical.

I should add that the rest o’ this song’s lyrics are no better: “i’m outta control”, “i sold my soul”, “i dig this hole”, “abomination”, “hesitation”, “revelation”, “devastation”. People oft say AI generated something when they call something low-effort slop, but I actually think AI would’ve made better lyrics.

Grade: D

3. Best of Me

See, this song isn’t so bad. I kinda like the somewhat menacing way Josey sings the verses, only to burst into thoughtless shouting ’bout how he’s bending & breaking. Howe’er, we get a sharp turn into balladlike crooning just afterward, “out of the best of me / you took everything”, which e’en a mental breakdown couldn’t ’scuse. E’en the music isn’t too bad, especially the way it builds from the weird chants @ the beginning.

Grade: C

4. How Could You?

¿How could you follow that decent song with this lame-ass nu-metal ballad? Ugh, the twinkling plunking guitar strings starting with possibly the most cliché post-grunge phrase e’er, “i’m addicted to [every single thing] you [do]”, only to build into melodramatic bombast during the chorus.

Just read these poetic chorus lines:

¿how could you cheat on me?
then turn your back on me
you told me all the lies
& hypnotized & I believed

Yes, Josey, if she successfully hypnotized you then, by definition, she made you believe — that’s how hypnotizing someone works. Pure lyrical filler.

¿What is with nu-metal & post-grunge bands & being unable to do e’en the bare minimum o’ not just stating outright what kind o’ song you’re writing? This is why people shit their pants @ Deftones making the most basic o’ abstract imagery: ’cause it’s legitimately shocking to see baseline competent lyricism in a genre where it’s OK to just write, “that bitch cucked me with my friend / now this is the end”, which I’m pretty sure is a real Theory of a Dead Man song.

Grade: F

5. Hunt You Down

A bunch o’ generic riffs, a pause, & then, “¡HUUUUUAGGGHHH!”. Brilliant.

But it doesn’t stop there. Next we get Josey in his squeaky voice valley-girl-rapping ’bout how “i am the master of this game / & everybody knows my name” & how “you have thrown the gauntlet down” & how he’s the “one who wears the crown” & how “when you chose to raise your hand / that’s when a boy messed with a man”. This sounds like shit a sword collector on YouTube would write. But then he ends the chorus by growling, “i will always hunt you DOOOOOOWWWWN…”.

This song sounds like ass with its sputtering drums & weird beep in the background during the verses & basic guitar chugging during the choruses… But it does make me laugh, so I’ll save it from a F grade with an emoji grade:

Grade: 👑

6. Judgment Day

OK, this is where e’en my high school self had too high standards to keep listening, so the rest o’ these are mo’ blurry to my memory. I can say that I’m already starting to get a headache from the thick, textureless guitar riffs that fill e’ery 1 o’ these songs, clearly falling into the philosophy that louder is better. I can only assume that if I were to look @ the wavelengths o’ these songs in Audacity they’d just show blue rectangles. The annoying chorus o’ “BANG BANG BANG / another body goes”, both hokey sing-songy & thudding, a terrible combination, doesn’t help.

Arguably, this is a better song than any o’ the previous songs, a’least lyrically, as it’s mo’ than just vague boasts ’bout how tough the singer is or whining ’bout some ex, but is instead the cliché hard rock trope o’ a song ’bout the troubles o’ soldiers in the war & how they just want to go home & raise their families. It’s something, I guess — it’s something weaker than the average song off Disturbed’s Ten Thousand Fists, which I considered 1 o’ their weaker albums, so not much. Then again, the western style matched with the description o’ desert-like weather — presumably referencing the middle east — is kind o’ an interesting mix.

Sonically, this song’s only reprieve is the weird noodly faux-southern guitar solo during the bridge.

Grade: D

7. Forever And a Day

Another shitty love ballad. ¿Why would a band named “Saliva” make so many love ballads?

The music’s what you’d expect, — a blend o’ the worst elements o’ pop moaning & tweening with stock hard rock elements for “flavor” — so I’ll focus on the lyrics, which are the worst on this album so far. You know it’s all downhill when you start with the lyrics, “the complicated ways of love / become all you’re thinking of”. Later we get an e’en better rhyme pair with “compromises” & “eyes and”.

E’en this song’s concept is stupid: “forever and a day” is both inane in itself, being no greater than just “forever”, & yet still a cliché. ¿Couldn’t you come up with something mo’ creative, like “till the day i learn to write good lyrics”? I’d argue that that would hammer in the eternity angle e’en better.

Grade: F

8. I’m Coming Back

This song’s beginning is just storebrand “Down with the Sickness”, with the bland marching drums & the whispered, “¿are you ready?”, but without all the funny stuff afterward. Instead, Josey whines ’bout some vague badness going on now like an ol’ man yelling out clouds, crying, “¿what happened to the world we grew up in? / ¿was it this serious?”. It’s all stock clichés with agonizingly corny rhymes: “road’s too long to follow”, “pain’s too much to swallow”, “seems there’s no tomorrow”. If they needed a 4th rhyming line I would bet money it’d be “feels like my time is borrowed”.

Meanwhile, the verses have the other problem o’ not e’en trying to rhyme, “rhyming” “dangerous” with “serious”, & then “serious” again, which is rhymed with “back to us”.

& then in the bridge they do the generic marching drums & “¿are you ready?” & I’m like, dude, this isn’t a hard song, stop adding this weird bravado shit ’tween whining ’bout how much pain you’re feeling. It’s like if partway thru “Crawling” Chester Bennington suddenly shouted, “¡now i’m slappin’ ya with my big dick!”, ’cept that would actually be funny & probably would’ve made that song better.

Grade: F

9. Southern Girls

¿Do I need to review a song called “Southern Girls”? ¿Do you think a song called “Southern Girls” by Saliva has any chance o’ being good? No, I don’t need to hear Josey in his valley-girl country accent jizz all o’er me with lines ’bout girls with “baby faces” ( CERTIFIED LOVERBOY CERTIFIED PEDOPHILE WOP WOP WOP WOP WOP ) & “orange knee-high hips” — hold it, ¿what the fuck does that mean? 1st, ¿why is the girl orange? 2nd… ¿“knee-high hips”? ¿DO YOU IDIOTS KNOW WHAT HIPS ARE? HIPS ARE BY DEFINITION NOT UP TO YOUR KNEE BUT WAY HIGHER. AUUUUUGGGGGHHHH.

If that kind o’ alien doesn’t turn you on, Josey also talks ’bout wanting a girl who will “milk your cow” & “climb your tree” — you know, as all the bros say when talking ’bout their lays down @ the pub: “Aw, man, she totally milked my cow, dogg”.

I refuse to listen to anymore o’ this song to hear what it sounds like, but it’s ass. You can listen to yourself & dare tell me I missed some great guitar licks somewhere or just accept that a song with the line “they can milk your cow” could have the riffs from “War Pigs” & still not make up for it.

Grade: F

10. So Long

¡Thank god!

¿Why does this song start with weird spacey electronic notes? ¿Who said to themselves they wanted fucking Saliva to do space rock but shitty? Well, good news, it ends soon & is replaced by the same generic soft riffs & crooning on all the other lame ballads — tho they do add some goofy spacey filter that makes his voice sound far away @ the start o’ the 2nd chorus for no reason.

Grade: F

Final Verdict

Tho the Hollywood Undead album was far cringier, I honestly would rather listen to it, given that it had a’least some catchy moments. This album was shockingly bad, e’en by the standards o’ what we normally listen to. I’m not surprised this album was the worst-selling Saliva album: e’en if you liked Saliva’s hits like “Click Click Boom” & “Your Disease”, hardly any o’ the songs on this album e’en match their caliber. ¿Who would listen to Every Six Seconds & think, “this band should do schmaltzy emo ballads & fake country shit”? ¿Who do you think you are, Saliva, Machine Gun Kelly?

Final Grade: F

S’posedly 2 reviewers called this band Deftones the “Radiohead of metal”. Now, I don’t know anything ’bout music beyond what my early 2000s radio stations let me listen to, so I don’t know what this “Radiohead” is or why it’s been detached from its Radiobody, but we can assume it must be cheesy & lame, given that Deftones is a nu-metal band, & e’eryone knows all nu-metal bands are silly & lame.

So we’re going to look @ their biggest album, White Pony.

1. Back to School (Mini Maggit)

We start with the greatest song Deftones has e’er made. ¡Just look @ that amazing music video!

This song, which shows off Chino Moreno’s amazing rippity rapping skills with these hard bars ’bout the street thug life in high school:

while everyone’s out trying to make the cut (what)
& when you think you know me right, i switch it up
behind the walls, smokin’ cigarettes and sippin’ vodka
i hop a fence to catch a cab, ain’t no one can stop us

Yeah, ¡cracka! ¡We be smokin’ cigs & jumping the fence to catch a cab! Paragraph to yo’ auntie.

Then in the chorus he boasts ’bout how back in school, we are the leaders o’ all. ¡Yeah! ¡Fuck being an adult! I’m going back to school to be a leader! ¡Push back that square!

Unironically, this song is musically excellent, especially thanks to those opening high-pitched noodly strings & those menacing low-tuned guitar riffs that bounce up & down thruout the verses while less low guitar noises break thru.

Grade: S

2. Feiticeira

Sadly, we don’t get any mo’ hippity hop songs & the next song is some droning song with super clear, clacking drums that’s ’bout… ¿a Brazilian woman being kidnapped?

Chino Moreno sings here from the perspective of a person who has been kidnapped. He explained on Deftones World: “It’s named after a Brazilian female, but its lyrically about a kidnapping scenario. It details a few hours of being held captive. There’s a lot of dialogue in there that was fun to write.”

That’s, um, an interesting topic to write ’bout. Glad you had fun writing ’bout it.

Tho it’s not as amazing as their previous magnum opus, this song has some great music itself, including the aforementioned super clear, clacking drums, the revving opening strings, & especially the bellowing low notes during the interlude ’tween the 1st & 2nd verses.

Grade: S

3. Digital Bath

Still doing this weird slow, droning singing instead o’ that amazing rapping from “Back to School” for some reason… O, well, this song’s all right with its beautiful imagery o’… ¿somebody leading a girl into a bathtub & murdering her by electrocution by throwing a toaster in it & then standing her corpse up & dressing it? OK, Deftones, ¿what the fuck? Real talk: ’tween these 2 songs & that album cover leering down @ a woman’s cleavage, this band are starting to sound like those weird edgy incels that women avoid in school. ¡You’re not going to be leaders back in school like that, Deftones! Ironically, the fact that this song is so much better written than the average misogynist nu-metal song — & there are a lot — with its strong imagery & detail contrasted gainst the average nu-metal bands’ generic, abstract word salads makes it sound worse.

& for a song with such imagery, ¿who the fuck decided to make the music video just trite footage o’ them playing on stage, them screwing around in their tour bus, crowds cheering, a few scraps o’ unclear imagery — I think there’s 1 shot o’ a bubbling bathtub — &… ¿a custodian mopping the floor? We really needed that clip. Good o’ Deftones to show some support for the underappreciated blue-collar worker, I guess.

Anyway, despite all those flaws, this is a very nice-sounding song, especially its opening smoky whistle noises, more o’ those super clear drums, & those moody notes. I might e’en go far ’nough to say that the bizarre droning singing that goes from tired to loud moaning works well for a bizarre song ’bout killing a woman with a toaster in a bathtub.

Grade: S

4. Elite

I was going to criticize this song as a forgettable banger where the singer just keeps shouting in his whispry voice — ¿where is that rapping, Chino? You’re wasting your Eminem-like skills, man — with a clunky, repetitive melody in both singing & playing, mixed up only with unimpressive filter effects that make the singer sound like an alien. But then I read the lyrics, which are impossible to hear thru Chino’s singing, & they’re amazing: any song with lyrics that go, “stop parading your angles / ¿confused? you’ll know when you’re ripe”, deserves an S in my book. He’s right: people should stop parading their angles; angles aren’t special — e’eryone’s got ’em, folks.

Grade: S

5. Rx Queen

I was going to joke ’bout how I think Deftones is like Radiohead in that they just pull random lyrics out o’ a hat to sound deep, which is how we get lines like, “we’ll stop to rest on the moon”; but to be fair, other than that & most o’ the lyrics from the previous song, this song’s lyrics actually serve a clever metaphor o’ parasitical insects stinging another, killing it for sustenance, for a toxic relationship involving drugs, which fits well with the wasplike low drone o’ this song & the title o’ this song — presumably referring to his girlfriend. I know this song is still falling into the “dead girl syndrome” trope o’ cheap dark drama, but a’least this is a mo’ relatable problem, not just the singer out o’ nowhere coming up with the idea o’ women being kidnapped in Brazil or electrocuted in a bath tub. Plus, this time the song mostly works in abstract metaphors, & this time to the song’s benefit. So, sure, have ’nother S. ¿Why not?

Grade: S

6. Street Carp

Ah, now here we go; now we’re on familiar territory: a man whining ’bout his bitchy ex-wife.

Actually, being 100% honest, this song kinda blows ass. The way Chino sings, “ohhhh, well, here’s my new aaadrehhhhs / ¡6! ¡6! ¡4! ohhhhhh, I forgehhhhht”, sounds so terrible it actually impresses me. Like, you have to be very creative to come up with something so sonically toxic. Meanwhile, the singing & music are just repetitive, bland versions o’ what’s done better on other songs & the opening, where we have grinding guitars filtered thru what sounds like Game Boy Advance speakers & a sudden, “¡nyaaaaaah!”, is just goofy as hell. “It’s not that I care”, indeed. But this song makes me laugh, it has a funny name like “Street Carp”, which Genius tells me is probably this song’s protagonist calling his ex a ho bag, &, most importantly, I have already settled on my joke o’ giving e’ery song on this album as S rank for the memes, so here ya go.

Grade: S

7. Teenager

Not gonna lie: considering how creepy & weird this band has been ’bout women, I felt dread when I saw a song called “Teenagers” that I’d get a good ol’ fashioned Beatles-type “well, she was just 17…”. Luckily, in this case, the protagonist is also a teenager, & this is probably the least creepy song Deftones has e’er wrote ’bout a woman.

I’m a sucker for record player texture — which is why my hipster ass has a vinyl record player & such classics as 3 Three Days Grace albums, Korn’s Issues, & 311’s greatest hits on vinyl — as well as the weird alien sucking noises near the end & those soft drum beats, so have ’nother S.

Grade: S

8. Knife Prty

¿What does Chino have to say ’bout this song?

I made up this fake scenario of some kind of underworld society of knives, people who just get off on these erotic fantasies…or something like that. An ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ kind of thing.

OK, sure, yeah. ¿Does e’ery song need to be ’bout sex, tho? Like, you could just have the “underworld society of knives” without the sex & not make it weird.

Also, you have this weird-ass premise, ¿but you couldn’t come up with a better chorus than, “go get your knife, go get your knife”? ¿& why couldn’t you spell “knife” correctly in the title? ¿Did your “I” key on your keyboard fail to fire like mine keeps doing?

I do kind o’ like the muffled guitar notes that show up @ the beginning & keep coming back, but nothing else is all that interesting. I guess some woman is singing mo’ than halfway thru the song ’cause some woman happened to be singing in the next room. Yeah, that sounds like the reason this random part o’ the song is here.

Unfortunately, I can’t hear the lines, “’cause in here, we are all anemic”, which I’m sure are super deep &, uh, deep, but I can’t hear that line without hearing that e’en mo’ fantastic line from Young Thug: “i’m like i’m anemic too / a Neiman Marcus shoppperrrrr”. & by, “unfortunately”, I mean, “unfortunately, I have to give you an S grade for that”.

Grade: S

9. Korea

The only interesting part o’ this song is that we finally learn the reason this album is called White Pony: it’s cocaine. It’s too bad this is the least interesting song on this album, talking ’bout doing drugs & partying. It doesn’t sound bad, mind you: it has the same crisp production with sharp drumbeats & heavy guitar riffs; I’m just saying, if I had to remove a song, it’d have been this & not “Back to School (Mini Maggit)”.

I mean, e’en the title has no relevance:

While the album was released in 2000, Deftones have not toured South Korea until 2009. Unless they traveled there within that era, the title of the song seems to be unrelated.

Bro, ¿how do you name an entire song “Korea” & not tour in a’least 1 o’ them for nearly a decade? Unless this band did tour in North Korea, which would be pretty bad ass & would immediately merit an S grade, but also hard to believe, I’m afraid I can’t in good conscience give this song an S grade, so I’ll just give it a South Korean flag emoji instead:

Grade: 🇰🇷

10. Passenger

I’ve heard a lot o’ people lavishly praise on this song, presumably ’cause it features Maynard James Keenan, lead singer o’ Tool, e’ery hipster’s favorite prog-metal band, & A Perfect Circle, the band that people list when they want to be e’en mo’ hipster, & the guy whose name I always mix up with the economist John Maynard Keynes. I think it’s all right, I guess. Genius says, “this slow-burning ballad is rife with metaphorical imagery and atmospheric musical arrangements”, ¿& who am I to argue with them? I’ll tell you who I am: J. J. W. Mezun, certified nu-metal specialist. I don’t really see much metaphorical imagery in this song’s lyrics, which mostly seems to describe parts o’ the inside o’ a car mo’ than anything. I also don’t see what’s so atmospheric ’bout the repetitive “nuh-nuh-nuh nuh nuh” riffs thruout most o’ this song, broken off by the sparse, seemingly arrhythmic drum beats ’hind the verses. I do kind o’ like Keenan’s vocal performance on the choruses, I guess. I also find it funny that the Genius note assumes this song is ’bout people having sex in a car, ’cause presumably e’ery Deftones song needs to be ’bout weird sex.

But if e’eryone else is saying this song is amazing, I must be wrong, so here’s ’nother S:

Grade: S

11. Change (In the House of Flies)

You know, it’s ironic that the labels apparently pushed Deftones into making a new song that eventually became their magnum opus, “Back to School (Mini Maggit)”, ’cause this album s’posedly had no hits ( my apologies for the eye-searing white text on red background ), only for this other song to become a far mo’ iconic & successful hit for them. As amazing as “Back to School” is, this song truly defines this band, with its iconic opening notes, ghostly wind sounds, & following foreboding drums, followed by a perishing voice calling out, “i watched you chaaaaange”. Best o’ all, this song takes a break from this album’s typical thematic obsessions with sex & violence gainst women — a’least I think it does — & instead focuses on the classic literary trope o’ someone transforming into an insect like Gregor Samsa. There’s not much imagery to this song’s lyrics — or many lyrics @ all — but that sparseness fits well with this sparse song, which, like Franz Kafka Metamorphosis, is a mystery that is mo’ ’bout what isn’t said than what is.

There. ¿See? I can be just as good a hipster lyrical analyst — I just noticed how goofy that word looks, including the word “anal” in it, as if it meant “somebody who studies rectums” — as any upper-middle-class liberal arts college cracker who won’t shut the fuck up ’bout Tame Impala.

Grade: S

12. Pink Maggit

The acceptance o’ this song by critics & not “Back to School (Mini Maggit)” is proof that critics will love any slow, dreary song, no matter how inane, as this song literally has the same goofy-ass chorus as that song, ’cept now it’s trying to sound serious when saying “pushed back the square” & “’cause back in school / we are the leader of it all” — ’cept in this song we also get some extra violence gainst women with “now that you need her, but you don’t” replaced with “now that you kneed her in the throat”.

Since we are taking these lyrics seriously now apparently, instead o’ just laughing @ their goofiness, I should add that the sentiment ’hind this song is really dumb:

The title comes from a Kool Keith song. We just thought it was some funny stuff. The song is meant to be triumphant. I’m trying to spread a little confidence. Lots of artists try to make songs for the kids who are tormented in school, telling them it’s okay to be tormented. But it’s not okay. Don’t be ridiculed. Become the leader of your surroundings. Confidence is one of the most important things in life. If you are confident, you can do whatever you want.

Chino Moreno

That’s good advice to people being bullied: “¡just stand up for yourself & stop letting yourself be bullied!” This super deep album literally ends with fucking pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps self-help bullshit. Thank you, Deftones, for the best April Fool’s joke.

All that being said… I’m a sucker for the slow build up, with Chino sounding like he’s being strangled like a squealing horse — ¿a squealing white pony? — near the end o’ the intro just to hold it back e’en mo’, only for the song to finally stop edging & finally start cumming with its blast o’ rock-hard guitar riffs that make me rock hard, similar to Tool’s “Parabol” leading into “Parabola” — & therefore turning my cock into a parabola… Wait, I don’t think that’s the right shape.

Having said that, ironically I think this song ending the album only makes it make mo’ sense for this album to start with “Back to School (Mini Maggit)”, giving this album a bookends feel that wouldn’t be there when starting with “Feiticeira”, which also doesn’t start with nearly as iconic an opening as “Back to School”.

Grade: S

Final Verdict

White Pony is a 1-o’-a-kind album, instantly recognizable but impossible to copy, with lyrics taking sharp turns on e’ery song, e’en if many o’ those sharp turns are kinda dumb. ¿But does it have an angsty song ’bout The Wizard of Oz? Because it doesn’t, I’m afraid it doesn’t quite meet an S grade, but will have to settle for a, “白子🐎”.

Final Grade: 白子🐎

(həd)^p.e., which has the weirdest punctuation o’ maybe any band name, is a criminally underrated nu-metal band, especially their classic 2000 album, Broke, which is still an absolute banger, blending in punk & mo’ believably hip hop elements than most nu-metal bands for a much wilder sound.

1. Killing Time

We start with what I think is the best song, starting with those memorable noisy notes, 1st sparsely broken up by long, awkward pauses, & then building into droning regularity. Then we get verses where the singer ironically smoothly croons in his raspy voice ’bout what a fuck up he is, laying around all day doing drugs & watching Jerry Springer, before repeating, “just killing time…”, in an eerily calm voice & then breaking out into a manic snakelike screaming during the chorus, “¡KIIIIIIIIIISSS THE WOOOORLD GOODBYYYYYYYE!”. Then in the 2nd verse we get a different singing style: now the singer is pleading excuses for his empty life. & then during the bridge we get a hammy incoherent rant that seems to vaguely references the 2012 apocalyptic theories based on ( a misinterpretation o’ ) the Mayan calendar & Christian eschatology:

i keep my eyes on the stars
that’s where i come from
belt of orion
son of a sun god
you know my name i’m a conqueror
the lion king kamehameha come
2012 come 12 tribes
come 12 strands come 12 lives
12 steps 12 months 12 motherfuckas
will all make bail kicked ’cause o’ the crowded jail
sex & violence sells
12 serial killers 12 dead without a trail or a trace
it’s prime time the fight night pay per view suicide
the bee sting butterfly

Grade: S

2. Waiting to Die

“Waiting to Die” continues the nihilist theme o’ “Killing Time”, but is, if one could believe it, e’en mo’ unhinged audibly, with the singer growling the profanity-laden verses with weird up-&-down rhythms followed by screaming @ the edge o’ his voice, “¡EVERYBODY DIES!” repeatedly. It’s not quite as interesting as “Killing Time”, but I certainly love its frantic energy.

Grade A

3. Feel Good

This is the most well-known hit from this album, probably partly thanks to the accompaniment o’ System of a Down frontman Serj Tankian adding his own unhinged energy as they both singing in what sounds like a parody o’ duet sing-alongs, singing in pleading voices how they don’t care if the sky is falling, they just want to feel good, while the verses are made up o’ deep-voiced, mainly monotone rapped verses describing how the world is falling apart much like the previous 2 songs, as well as an inner skit o’ part o’ a conversation o’ someone doing drugs & having sex, & this bizarre section where the singer just says 1-word insults o’ increasing vulgarity sparsely separated by pauses & with particularly heavy, hammy pronunciation, especially on “mothafuckaaah”.

Despite the thematic repetition from the past 2 songs, the lyrics & medley o’ styles sounds distinct, with the lyrics being an anachronistic mix o’ Biblical prophecy — mo’ somber & coherent than the rant @ the end o’ “Killing Time” — & contemporary hiphop boast talk.

In essence, this is yet ’nother crazy-ass song.

Grade S

4. Bartender

This was the other hit from this song — apparently bigger back then, as it actually has a music video. This song goes back & forth from sleazy, smooth, jazzy verses o’ the protagonist trying desperately to get with a woman in a scuzzy bar with footage o’ strippers dancing on poles & standard nu-metal shouting choruses with the typical footage o’ the band playing ’hind a wire fence in front o’ cement walls with graffiti & plenty o’ red light, whose shouts o’, “I JUST WANT YOUR COMPANY”, only emphasize the protagonist’s desperation. The bridge then slows down into a hango’er-like slow slump, repeating the beginning o’ the 1st verse, “ain’t nothin’ working / ain’t nothin’ right / there’s a hole in me that i can’t fill / no matter how hard i try”, showing how li’l the protagonist’s vying for hedonistic excess has gotten him. None o’ this revolutionary artistry, ’course, but this song’s storytelling & the way it matches the music is much mo’ competently done than most o’ the nu-metal I look @. Just compare to something like Hollywood Undead’s magnum opus, “Everywhere I Go”.

Grade: A

5. Crazy Legs

I guess this is the party song, which weirdly remixes the chorus to The Notorious B. I. G.’s “Hypnotize” as its chorus. I think this would’ve worked better coming before “Bartender” instead o’ after: it’s a weird sequence to go from a dour song ’bout the emptiness o’ hedonism to an unironic celebration o’ sex parties. The singer’s performance on the 2nd verse & especially the bridge are great, but this song does feel like 1 o’ the less memorable songs on this album that treads themes that were better done in earlier songs; it kinda just feels like a weaker version o’ the 4 songs preceding.

Grade: B

6. Pac Bell

Thankfully, that song is followed by a much mo’ different song. Yes, it’s an angsty song ’bout troubled relationships & how it’s led the protagonist to suicidal depression; but albums almost entirely dedicated to that theme are hardly rare in nu-metal. Like many o’ the other songs, it’s the singer’s performance in the verses & how he twists his voice in such a deranged way, e’en when saying something as mundane as “¿why the fuck you fucking with me?”, that makes the difference.

E’en mo’ different, howe’er, is the chorus, with its autotune-sounding emotionless singing, “we used to drive all the time”, that sounds mo’ like the kind o’ songs you’d hear in the 2010s, not anything like what I’d hear in nu-metal albums.

To add to the surrealism, this song’s title is “Pac Bell”, the title o’ an ol’ phone company that 2 years later would be bought by AT&T. It’s relevant, since this song is ’bout someone trying to call his ex, & the song does start & end with the robotic voice o’ an automatic operator asking the protagonist, “if you’d like to make a call, please hang up & try again”.

Grade: A

7. I Got You

Wait, ¿this song had a music video, but not “Feel Good”? I ne’er e’en heard o’ this song before now. Granted, listening to this song, I can imagine this song was probably played @ many concerts, as it seems particularly made for such, with the following lyrics in particular seeming to call out to people to dance:

all my people come on
choose your side
you’re a long way from home
but not alone

To be honest, this song’s doesn’t have as much as the others on this album, with much vaguer lyrics — tho I do like the line, “yeah, eat the rich / but pay me motherfucker”. But, ’gain, I just love this singer’s performance, such as the way his voice dies out a li’l in his throat when he says “afraid” in “they are afraid of you” @ the beginning o’ the 2nd verse &, ’course, the houndlike way he barks, “yeah, I got you” in the chorus.

You can most clearly hear Korn’s influence on this bad in this song, with its music-box low, dreary start to the verse & the singer’s low, raspy, menacing sing-songy voice starting, “Mmm mmm mmm mmm…”.

Grade: B

8. Boom (How You Like That)

¿This had a music video, too? ¿How did all these songs have music videos & not “Feel Good”? That must’ve been some blacksheep hit then.

This song has a couple o’ highlights. For me the best being during the bridge when the singer calls out various people to say, “¿how you like that?”, & asks whiteboys to say it & a bunch o’ super honkey voices say it. That’s pretty funny.

That said, while the song in itself is a fun banger, compared to other tracks on this album it feels less interesting, repeating the same themes, with the same vague social commentary you’d find from many lower-tier nu-metal bands like Papa Roach: “we’re so desensitized, we were raised on TV, something something, American Dream”. E’en the call out for various people to shout, “¿how you like that?” goes on too long: ¿did he really need to ask virtually e’ery city in the US? Nothing in this song is cringe a’least.

Grade: C

9. Swan Dive

I’m surprised this song got a music video; but unlike the previous 2 songs, this time I have listened to this song before & this time it’s a pleasant surprise, as I always liked this song with its jazzy verses with the protagonist poetically describing himself climbing up a building, “putting distance between I & I & the ground”, only to then shout ’bout how it’s ’cause he wants to jump off & “swan dive” into the asphalt. In a genre where suicide is typically described either abstractly or with the cliché emo imagery o’ wrist-slitting, a song with the mo’ concrete ( pun not intended ) imagery o’ the very, very brutal death o’ smashing one’s body gainst the street from several stories high is refreshing.

& then in the bridge the protagonist seems to answer — well, maybe not really answer, given how incoherent it is — why he’s suicidal with rants up @ the sky ’bout all the evils in the world, which would be trite if ’twere just him asking, “¿where is the compassion?”, but is made mo’ interesting with bizarre questions like, “tell me, ¿who can control the floods?”, hinting @ the mental disturbance going on in the protagonist’s head, amplified by the bearlike growl the singer employs when answering, “¡NO ONE!”, after each question in the 2nd half.

Grade: A

10. Stevie

( Laughs ). What a weird-ass song:

come on, I’m not deaf or dumb
I’m not little Stevie Wonder
whatever
¡No more lies!

Yes, that’s the chorus & the basis for this song being named “Stevie”. The fact that he caps that imaginative comparison with the bland, “¡No more lies!”, only adds to the absurdity.

Other than that, this is 1 o’ the mo’ middle-ground songs on this album, neither relatively strong nor weak. I do like the jazzy, smooth, & sing-songy 1st 2 verses & the particular way the singer becomes unhinged round the 2nd half o’ the 3rd verse.

Grade: B

11. Jesus (Of Nazareth)

¡✝-rock jump scare!

Actually, unlike corny bands like Thousand Foot Krutch or Skillet, with their Kroeger-brand mass-manufactured WASP evangelism with generic celebrations o’ how wicked ( ¡in a cool way! ) Jesus is & fairy tales o’, um, a psychologist convincing a couple to hold a funeral for the woman’s aborted fetus… this song is much mo’ complex: the singer doesn’t seem to really believe in Jesus, saying to the crucifix on his wall, which inspires paranoid fear rather than hope or comfort, “I can’t believe a single word that you’re saying / I see your lips moving, but nothing’s coming out”, & seems to only be turning to Jesus out o’ pure desperation. & the song ends with the singer expressing doubt that it’ll work:

they’re telling me to take my own life
breathe my last breath, eat my last meal
you got what you deserve
¿how’s that feel?

This deliberate comparison to Jesus with “eat my last meal” makes it ambiguous whether or not the protagonist is criticizing himself or criticizing Jesus, including the line earlier, “mass murder, court convicted, terroristic creature of the night”. I mean, Jesus was convicted by a court; & if Jesus is God in human flesh, there was that whole flood that killed nearly e’ery human; & I would call passover, wherein God killed the 1st-born o’ e’ery non-Jewish-person in Egypt round midnight to scare Egypt into freeing Jewish people the act o’ a “terroristic creature of the night”… I’m probably reading too much into this… Still, a’least I can do that instead o’ just making jokes ’bout Thousand Foot Krutch making a song ’bout being sorry one wasted one’s life just jerking off all the time.

While not mindblowing, I like the shifts from the eerie sparse piano notes — which sound a lot like the ones on “meet the grahams”, just so I can keep talking ’bout that year-ol’ beef — with low bass notes & tired vocals vs. the loud choruses.

Grade: A

11. The Meadow (Special Like You)

( Note: this song also has a music video, but it’s just mo’ concert playing & hanging round their tour bus & doesn’t include the whole 9-minute track ).

This is a nice song, especially with the funk notes in the background, which was not something you saw much in nu-metal. The way the singer’s voice rasps out a bit during the chorus is a nice touch.

E’en better, this song ends with some woman babbling ’bout elephants thru a fast food speaker box.

To add to the absurdity — ’cause e’en this otherwise nice ballad can’t be normal — this track’s dour ending is flipped after a pause with a secret track that’s just outtakes & goofing around. Such is the emotional complexity o’ nu-metal.

Grade: B

Final Verdict

This album unironically holds up much better than most o’ the albums I’ve looked @ in this series, blending some o’ the weirdness o’ nu-metal with much less cringe edgy elements & a much wilder less polished sound. Tho thematically it does get a bit repetitive, stylistically it has mo’ variance & does mo’ that other nu-metal bands didn’t do. It’ll probably ne’er warrant the critical acclaim o’ bands like Sevendust or Deftones; or bands I’ve ne’er heard o’ that are probably only acclaimed on Rate Your Music because they’re obscure like The Shiznit, Ikd-sj, or Stepa; or… ¿Incubus’s S.C.I.E.N.C.E., ranked as the 10th highest rated on Rate Your Music? That’s actually pretty based. I’ll definitely be talking ’bout that 1 eventually…

Anyway, I think this album should be remembered mo’, especially since it makes a better balance o’ being mo’ fun than the drearier o’ acclaimed artists while being less embarrassing than your Limp Bizkits — up there with, like, Korn, maybe.

Final Grade: A

I think it’s time we take another look @ our friends, Breaking Benjamin. This time I’ve chosen their 1st LP, Saturate, for 2 reasons: 1, it gets less attention than their other albums, & 2, it has 1 song in particular that I’ve been dying to write ’bout. Hopefully the rest o’ the album gives me something to talk ’bout, too.

1. Wish I May

O, man, you know a song is hardcore when it starts with a scream.

Well, I’ll say 1 thing ’bout this song: Ben does a good job o’ sounding drunk on this song, with the way he slurs his speech & the tipsy way he says the incoherent line, “we left this land of shiny lights”. That’s not a snide “compliment”, either: this song is really ’bout alcoholism, so it fits.

Unfortunately, otherwise, this song sounds very generic, especially compared to the kind o’ songs they would write on this same subject thruout, say, the album Dear Agony, & doesn’t have the kind o’ cheese I’m looking for.

Grade: C

2. Medicate

This song’s an OK banger, but also not as good as a lot o’ the stuff they’d do later, & doesn’t have anything that stands out as either unironically good or good, either. ¿Did I make a mistake choosing this album? I do kinda like the menacing way Ben sings the verses; & while the lyrics are generic, the chorus is mildly catchy.

Grade: C

3. Polyamorous

the day has come to an end
the sun is over my head

¿What? ¿How?

Honestly, given how many anti-romance songs in these kind o’ early 2000s angsty genres like nu-metal & post-grunge blame it on the the significant other for being vaguely bitchy, it’s somewhat refreshing see a song that blames the protagonist for being a cheating douche. I also like the play on the title “polyamorous” sounding poetic & romantic itself while just being ’bout how the singer can’t control himself from sleeping around, which fits with this song’s lyrics involving the protagonist trying to justify & minimize the consequences o’ said sleeping around, repeating in the chorus, “I ne’er hurt anyone”. I also find it funny that this angsty anti-romance song starts & ends with Ben shouting in his raspy voice, “¡let’s go!”, like he’s ’bout to get the club going.

I also appreciate this music video’s set design for having the band play in what looks like a giant bath tub.

Grade: B

4. Skin

I always thought this song was ’bout becoming an ol’ has-been — a funny topic for your 1st major album, but 1 with which I, as someone who has dedicated an article e’ery month or so to waxing nostalgically ’bout ol’ nu-metal albums, can relate; but taking a closer look — or just reading the Genius annotations — & it seems this is ’bout Ben dumping some woman ’cause he thinks she’s gotten ol’ & he’s gotten bored o’ her. That’s kind o’ funny, too, I guess, especially with the catchy, poppy way he sings it. ¡& it is, indeed, catchy! I can’t help singing ’long, “”cause you’re old, & battered & beateeeeen…”, & especially the very throaty way he sings, “& we’ll throw” afterward.

Grade: A

5. Natural Life

I swear e’ery line o’ this song is a different cliché & Ben sounds bored singing, “your natural life, you’re born, you die”, in a nah, nah, nah, nah fashion. I do like the cannon shots during the bridge, like this is the 1812 Overture, tho it doesn’t fit this song @ all.

Grade: D

6. Next to Nothing

This song has, unironically, some o’ Ben’s best singing, especially during the 1st verse when he says, “you know I’ll always be around”. It’s too bad that lyrics & music are pretty meh. I guess the chorus is kind o’ catchy, in a poppy way. ¿Is it too late to switch this out for Phobia? I think I’d actually have mo’ to say ’bout that album.

Grade: C

7. Water

¿What the hell is this song? I don’t e’en remember this song. You’d think I’d remember a song with the mysterious title, “Water”.

¿what’s all this talk of emotion?
i’d rather drink from the ocean

¡Ha, ha! ¡Those are amazing lines to open with! That’s some “you were wrong, since the beginning o’ the bomb” type rhyming just to rhyme there, & I live for it.

Actually, I’ve come to like this song ’bout Ben arguing with a bottle o’ booze, specially the imagery o’ alcoholism being like an anthropomorphic bottle o’ booze holding someone’s head underwater; & realizing that’s what this song is ’bout, the 1st 2 lines e’en make sense now. I also like the choppy, foreboding sound to this song, which has a drowning-like sound to it.

Grade: A

8. Home

¡Here’s the song I was looking for! This song is a treasure & I will fight to my dying breath for it to be put in the registry o’ nu-metal songs worth meming ’bout: take Ben’s angsty perishing singing but mix it with lyrics ’bout, I shit you not, The Wizard of Oz. If you haven’t listened to any o’ these songs, ¡you have to listen to this song! This jabroni legit sings “& I’m gonna get you & your li’l dog, too” like this is a song ’bout his wife dying. If you’re too cowardly to sing ’long to the bridge —

in the black & the white
a technicolor life
then another arrived
¡it’s a cowardly lion!

— with as much dramatis as Ben does in this song, you are a fucking beta. ¡I said it!

I think this song is s’posed to be metaphorical, but you can’t go indepth into the lore o’ The Wizard of Oz as these lyrics do ’bout an “a man made of tin with an oil-can grin” when your song is s’posed to be ’bout something deeper.

I should also note that this “music video” isn’t official in the slightest — ¡but it should be!

Grade: S

9. Phase

In case you think Ben’s done trolling, we follow that masterpiece with what starts out sounding like Breaking Benjamin attempting a cover o’ “DK Island Swing” from Donkey Kong Country. But, you know: it actually works with this song, whose subject manner is interesting: it’s ’bout hypochondria & having several phobias & how people tell you — or you tell yourself — that it’s “just a phase”; such wild fear does fit with a jungle-like sound.

Grade: A

10. No Games

You heard Ben: he’s not fucking around anymo’. This game is o’er & he’s mean & older. Granted, the soothing croon in which he sings this doesn’t convey much meanness…

Hold on: ¿how does he end the chorus?

& i bend to your will
i’ve fellated myself

i dunno, that sounds like a pretty common game men play to me. &, yes, he does sing that last line with the urgency he sang, “& your li’l dog, too”. I’m not going to waste any time talking ’bout petty things like how this song sounds: you get an automatic S rank for that.

Grade: S

11. Sugarcoat

I love how his lines ’bout how he’ll “never know your sugarcoat” paired with “suck on your lies till your eyes turn red” imply he’s jealous ’cause she’s sucking some other guy’s dick in secret while he can’t e’en get a taste o’ that Wet Ass Pussy™. I ne’er realized how, um… mo’ vulgar this earlier album is ( then again, this is the band that made “Topless” for Phobia ).

Musically, I do like the contrast o’ the acoustic strings & soft singing in the verses gainst the banging riffs, beats, & screaming o’ the chorus.

Grade: B

12. Shallow Bay

¿Another song ’bout Ben being thirsty? ¡Finish up before getting in the booth, Ben! That’s just common courtesy. Especially when you hurt your chances with whoe’er this theoretical woman is with, “i don’t think you want to fuck with me”, sung with his voice crackling out weakly, which is certainly a sonic choice. I think the lines ’bout him “float[ing] upon a shallow bay” hint that the protagonist o’ this song is s’posed to be a pathetic drunk, so the irony is probably intentional.

During the few couple years that Breaking Benjamin were a band, the band would close the setlist with this song, with frontman Ben Burnley dedicating the song to “all you Shallow Bay-ers out there.”

Genius

That just makes my interpretation e’en funnier: “¡Here’s for all you drunk fuck bois out in the crowd! — ¡you know who you are! ¡You’re in your mid 30s & @ a god damn Breaking Benjamin concert!”.

Grade: C

13. Forever

This is just the song they put on during the end credits ’cause they know nobody’s going to sit there & read them all. I can take a cue: it’s time for me to leave this movie theater.

Grade: D

Final Verdict

¿Would you believe me if I said my opinion o’ this album actually improved on this listen? The lyrics were mo’ interesting than I remember, as are some o’ the musical choices. Granted, this mainly applies to the latter half; the 1st half was pretty forgettable.

Final Grade: C

I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before in 1 o’ these installments, but Linkin Park is 1 o’ the few nu-metal bands that people generally consider to not be embarrassing anymo’, which, to be cynically blunt, has a lot to do with the lead singer’s suicide — let’s be real: if it hadn’t happened, half o’ these posers out there would still be meming ’bout the crawling that was occurring inside his skin. I am the exception, ’course: I was defending them long before, as I defend bands that still haven’t become appreciated like classic Three Days Grace — but not that latest single they released with the original singer back in the band: that song like o’erproduced trash & I have no idea what they did to poor Adam Gontier’s voice.

Anyway, it’s 2024 & Linkin Park recently released their 1st album since Bennington’s passing with a new singer, Emily Armstrong. Said singer has some controversy surrounding Scientology & supporting or seeming to support that guy from That 70s Show who was sentenced to 30 years in jail for rape. It seems e’ery nu metal band needs to have some member doing something cringe, whether it be signing IDF missiles, bitching ’bout not being able to buy Dr. Seuss books on ebay & WAP for making a better song than his band will e’er make, participating in that shitty Nostalgia Critic review ’bout The Wall, & the billions o’ stupid things that guy from Trapt said, so unfortunately, I can’t only review the albums by innocent people like Papa Roach, who I know have ne’er done anything wrong in their life, & it’s not like me talking ’bout any o’ these albums is glowing recommendations to give them money. As a dirty commie, I don’t believe in giving money to anyone: that’s your money; hoard that shit like the gnomes do.

1. From Zero (Intro)

Linkin Park oft starts albums with throw’way intro tracks, going all the way back to Meteora starting with sounds o’ throwing shit around for some reason. I ne’er understood it as a kid & I still don’t now. This 1 is probably the weakest o’ them all: half o’ it is generic chanting & then the rest is some background clip o’ who I assume is the new lead singer trying to figure out why the album is named “From Zero”. ¿Who cares? ¿Does anyone know why the 2nd album is called “Meteora” or what that e’en means? In the past 20 years o’ that album’s existence I’ve ne’er heard anyone ask why, ’cause nobody cares: it sounds cool, that’s why.

Grade: F

2. The Emptiness Machine

The 1st single comes surprisingly right out the gate on this album. I like the calm way the song starts with low piano notes, muffled drum beats, & Mike Shinoda’s melodic singing, contrasted with the mo’ bombastic 2nd verse introducing the new lead singer, Emily Armstrong.

Not surprisingly, the Genius annotations are full o’ theorizing ’bout this song’s vague lyrics ’bout the vague “you” being nothing but critical o’ the protagonists & how they just “want to be part o’ something”, &, yeah, that could be the case… but Linkin Park has been writing ’bout this kind o’ stuff from the beginning — just compare to the lyrics o’ “Numb”, which, if it had come out on this album, would get the same theorizing, with lines ’bout feeling numb ( ’cause o’ the loss o’ Chester Bennington ) or struggling with the feeling o’ being “put under the pressure of walking in your shoes” — yeah, imagine the implications o’ Armstrong singing that line. Seriously, try out this game with all kinds o’ songs like “Papercut” or “Somewhere I Belong”.

In short, unless a line really sticks out, I’m not going to put much thought into it & treat it as the same abstract angst they’ve been writing since Hybrid Theory.

Grade: A

3. Cut the Bridge

I’m not so fond o’ the chorus for this song, which just sounds like melody-less shouting, which is too bad, as I do like the menacing way Armstrong sings the prechorus, which stands out much mo’. I must say that I’m happy Linkin Park didn’t try to make Armstrong sing like Bennington but allowed her to sing in her own style.

I know I mentioned I wasn’t going to focus on lyrics much, but this is different. ¿What the hell are with the verses Mike be spittin’?

& I can’t even tell if you’ve been tellin’ me a lie
every time you start it’s like the 4th day of July
reckless like you’re makin’ rockets just to blow up in the sky

1st, maybe this isn’t Shinoda’s fault, but I can’t hear a rhyme o’ “lie” & “July” without hearing that wack bar from Drake in “Slime You Out”: “July, that’s when I found out you lied”. 2nd… ¿What is this metaphor? ¿Shooting off fireworks on the 4th o’ July, a day for setting off fireworks, is the most “reckless” example you could think of? I guess it’s creative, a’least.

& then that’s followed by, “feelin’ like it’s chemical, all under my skin like it’s medical”, which doesn’t e’en make sense: ¿how is something being under someone’s skin inherently “medical”? I’ve ne’er thought Mike Shinoda was Nas or anything, but this kind o’ lyrical-spherical whiteboy nu-metal rapping is mo’ on the level o’ a Jacoby Shaddix.

Grade: D

4. Heavy Is the Crown

All right, here’s a much better song. While I wouldn’t consider the lyrics brilliant, they’re much better than “Cut the Bridge”’s, as is Shinoda’s flow, especially the subtle twists to the rhythm done @ the beginning o’ the 2nd verse. I also find the line @ the end o’ the prechorus, “’cause I’m tired of explaining what the joke is”, a genuinely clever twist on that cliché line that I’ve ne’er heard used in the context o’ what sounds like a failing relationship.

But the best part o’ this song is the opening mix o’ electronic symphony & electric guitar which sounds like what you’d find in 1 o’ the best songs o’ Meteora.

Grade: A

5. Over Each Over

But this song is less interesting — not quite as bad as “Cut the Bridge”, but not interesting. Honestly, it sounds like a lot o’ the generic post-grunge stuff I’d hear on the radio station literally just called “The Rock” @ the end o’ when I still listened to the radio, with the o’erproduced electronic loudness that doesn’t seem to know what tone it wants to portray & the way Armstrong o’ersings e’erything. Also, the constant refrain o’ “over each other” gets kind o’ grating.

Also, I swear the background talk noise clip @ the end where Mike Shinoda tells Emily Armstrong to “get her screaming pants on” is the worst thing I’ve e’er heard on a Linkin Park album.

Grade: D

6. Casualty

There are some vocal flourishes I like in this song — especially Mike Shinoda’s raspy singing, which I’ve ne’er heard on any other album before — & the slight back & forth the 2 singers had in the prechorus — tho I wish there was more o’ that. I also like a few o’ the record scratches; but for the most part the music just sounds like walls o’ heavy riffs & this song is clearly trying too hard to be the “heavy” song on the album without much else inspiration. While I appreciate the desire to add variety, it comes off as Linkin Park failing to play to their strengths & failing to bring what this kind o’ genre brings better. If I want this kind o’ wall o’ yelling & riffing, I’d rather stick with Lamb of God, who have mo’ rhythm & riff variation.

Grade: C

7. Overflow

Whereas the other songs that deviated from Linkin Park’s older sound sounded mo’ like pale, watered-down imitations of other styles, this song’s deviation sounds much mo’ creative & unique — with the exception o’ the main light tone in the background, which sounds kind o’ like the main notes to “Crawling”; but given that’s the only thing ’bout this song that sounds similar to that song, it’s actually mo’ interesting that they made the callback, if ’twas intentional. Mike Shinoda’s rapping sounds much mo’ modern than his usual ol’ school Run-DMC flow & fits the ethereal tone o’ this song; same with Armstrong’s dour singing on the chorus.

Grade: A

8. Two Faced

This is a Hybrid Theory style banger with plenty o’ catchy hooks, including the great idea o’ having the verses & choruses break into 2 catchy hooks each. In fact, it perhaps sounds a bit too much like Hybrid Theory, with the bridge sounding very similar to the famous “¡SHUT UP WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU!” bridge o’ “One Step Closer”. Granted, Armstrong does a great job with her version, especially with the various ways she whispers, “I can’t hear myself think” early on. & I’m a sucker for any song that ends with record scratching whilin’ out — it’s been too long since Mr. Hahn, who is truly the best member o’ the group, got to work his magic again.

Grade: B

9. Stained

While most o’ this album sounds like nostalgic throwbacks to noughties nu-metal, this song sounds like a throwback to 2010s “indie” electronic rock, including the millennial whoas. ¿Has it been long enough for those to go from being a hated cliché to fond nostalgic memory? Eh, as goofy as it is, it is kinda catchy. This song’s all right.

Grade: B

10. IGYEIH

Musically, this is very middle-o’-the-road — a “Runaway”, you could say. If you ask me, “¿What the hell is ‘Runaway’? ¿You mean the Kanye West song?”, that answers your question: it’s the Hybrid Theory song you don’t remember. I guess there is that weird squeaky sound in the background sometimes. It’s kind o’ annoying, tho, so I’d hardly consider it a +.

Lyrically, this song is mixed. There are some lines I would actually call pretty good, like the good ol’ emo line, “I write all the memories down all over my skin”, which is a metaphor I’m surprised I haven’t heard before ( for tattoos, yes; cutting oneself, no ); but then we get goofy-ass lines like, “The clock keeps ticking, the rules aren’t written” — ¿what rules? ¿what the fuck are you talking ’bout? — or “I give you everything I have, all you give me is your ugliness”. O, no, don’t give me your ugliness. & while “Forgotten doesn’t mean that it’s forgiven this time” is a relatively clever line, unfortunately I haven’t forgotten you used that same line on the previous song.

Grade: C

11. Good Things Go

For most o’ the song I didn’t have anything to say ’bout this song, ’twas so middle-o’-the-road, but then the bridge came on & Mike decided to rap like some mediocre modern rapper who for some reason making sounds like, “eh” & “oh” ’tween lines sounds cool. He should’ve gone all the way & made those weird sounds that mumble rappers always did, like, “¡brrrrddddup!” or “¡shoo shoo!”. That’s the new kind o’ nu-metal we’ve been needing all this time: mumble rap metal.

But, yeah, otherwise this is a very tepid sad song with standard low notes, ’cept for maybe the crescendoing melody @ the end o’ the chorus being somewhat catchy, only to be ruined by the lame lyrics, “sometimes bad things take the place where good things go”.

Grade: C

Final Verdict

E’en tho I’ve come across as somewhat dismissive in some o’ these song reviews, o’erall this album is better than I would’ve expected, especially given the circumstances. Since their 1st 2 classic albums Linkin Park has struggled to evolve, sometimes with disappointing results that seem to be tied too closely to trends, sometimes with interesting surprises. This album is probably Linkin Park doing their best balance o’ hearkening back to their ol’ sound while still sounding distinct itself & not sounding too much like a sad self bootleg. It’s pretty far from my favorite o’ their albums, but not @ the bottom, either.

In fact, I’d say my biggest complaint ’bout this album is its cover, with its random pink bubbling liquid o’er some random surface, which reminds me too much o’ Metallica’s Load album cover with blood & semen mixed together — no, I’m not exaggerating: that’s really what it is.

Final Grade: B

Like with Disturbed’s Believe, I don’t think anyone e’en remembers that this album, Papa Roach’s sophomore — unless you count their weird primordial albums like the EP Old Friends from Young Years or whate’er the hell Potatoes for Christmas was — album, lovehatetragedy — which, to its credit, was ahead o’ the pack by implementing the hipster all-lowercase, no spaces, style that many hipster indie rock bands like “lovelytheband” would use in the 2010s — after their big breakout hit Infest with classics like “Last Resort” & the song whose background music was used in the online classic, “Ram Ranch”, e’er existed. Like a surprising lot o’ nu-metal bands, Papa Roach saw the writing on the wall early & ditched nu-metal & whiteboy gangster rapping for… some sort o’ vague alt rock. It’s not surprising nobody remembers this album, as it doesn’t stick in the mind. I have some nostalgia for this album, & always liked its warm, moody guitar work as a kid, — what the zoomzooms would call “vibes” — but it’s mo’ an album you would listen to in the background while sleeping than something you’d actually pay attention to. It’s telling that I’m only learning ’bout much o’ the lyrics today as I review this, since I clearly ne’er gave a shit ’bout them as a kid.

There’s no good reason for me to be reviewing this album’s songs other than morbid curiosity @ trying to see if I can find something to say ’bout it. If you’re looking for funny memes, I’d move on. Only read these reviews if you, too, are morbidly curious to see opinions on an album that nobody else has e’er cared ’bout ’cause, seriously, ¿who the hell else is wasting their time doing a track-by-track review o’ the sophomore album by the “cut my life into pieces” band?

1. M-80 (Explosive Energy Movement)

This album starts with a standard banger that ne’er stuck with me. It’s not bad or cringe, but it’s also not funny or particularly memorable, specially if you start listening to better alt rock bands. I think my biggest problem with this song is Jacoby’s trying so hard to talk ’bout how “filthy” & “nasty” & “dirty” — so much that he says that word twice in the same line — he is, but the song sounds so clean & polished. Most o’ the lines are very generic or outright perplexing. ¿What is “demented as the night is long” mean? Nights are not always long — hell, in some places @ certain times, it’s daytime all day.

Also, rock songs talking ’bout rock itself — specially when you use the full phrase “rock ’n roll” like you’re a boomer — is cringe unless you’re ACDC.

Grade: D

2. Life is a Bullet

This song is a better picture o’ this album’s general sound: a dour song with dour downtuned guitars & generic lyrics with generic metaphors ’bout life: in this case life being a bullet — I guess ’cause life is mean, or something. It’s neither the best nor worst song. It exists.

I will say, tho, I do kind o’ like the line, “you caused the fire, now fuck the flame”; not because it means anything or anything: I just find the imagery o’ someone trying to go cock 1st into a flame like that dude did to the pie in American Pie funny.

Genius commentators clearly disagree, howe’er, as someone wrote an entire thesis paper on this song’s deep — like Jacoby’s speech, deep like the sea — meaning with references to, I shit you not, ol’ philosophers like, um… “Socrates Plato”, which is actually 2 different people. I mean, Plato did appropriate much o’ Socrates’ work, since Socrates was too lazy to write anything down, but still:

The song explains the forces that subject us to the brutality of our society, which does not care about you or me.
He could explain everything, the fire, and how our inaccurate perception of reality facilitates the brutality, but nobody is going to listen because our minds have been shut down, regardless of the pain we see in others and ourselves daily. Fuck the flame, separate our souls from our body, the goal of every philosopher, from Socrates Plato and beyond.
Life is a bullet, the experiences we face prove it, not our identity. Identity is a trick in which our creation of, is imposed on us for the soul purpose of developing a platform which can be exposed, by easily tearing of our fronts, spilling out what we conceal, as vulnerable individuals. This is what divides us into easily controlled segments of society.

Genius

Grade C

3. Time and Time Again

This music video is the “Pepsi version”, whate’er that means. The main difference is that they censor “pills”, ’cause we wouldn’t want kids to go taking too many Flintstone vitamins ’cause Daddy Roach told ’em to. Look out, guys: I just took my daily prescribed antianxiety meds. ¡’Cause I’m a reckless, I’m a reckless god damn son o’ a bitch! ’Course, committing various traffic violations & endangering road safety ’cause you’re too distracted jamming out to this sick beat is fine to show. I do like how they have a black guy — a nerdy black guy with glasses & a nasally voice — cosign these crackers’ hard rappin’ by telling them to TURN THAT SHIT UP only for them to turn it up so loud his glasses break — ¡O shit!

Anyway, I guess the verses have a better balance o’ having that rhythm o’ rapping but without sounding like a gangster wannabe, tho the chorus is bland. But then we get lines like “emotional swords slash my soul”, which… I dunno, man. I feel like giving your metaphorical noun an adjective that it’s s’posed to represent is cheating, like Super Scribblenauts players who just add the word “invincible” to e’erything, specially when that adjective is as broad as “emotional”. You could replace “sword” & “slash” with anything & it’d work as well: “emotional guns shoot my soul”, “emotional fists punch my soul”, etc. I guess there’s some alliteration.

I once read in a review I read decades ago that this song was apparently ’bout the lead singer’s dog dying, but can’t find any mention o’ this tidbit on Genius.com. In fact, Genius.com doesn’t say shit ’bout most o’ these songs ’cept the previous 1 — almost as if I’m the only person on earth who gives the slightest shred ( & as these reviews show, it’s a very slight shred ) o’ a shit ’bout this album. Also, the lyrics seem to be mo’ ’bout a breakup, so I think the review was making it up. Honestly, being ’bout their dog dying would’ve made it mo’ interesting. Maybe the reviewer got this idea from the song starting with Jacoby howling “¡OW! ¡OW!” like a dog @ the beginning.

Grade: C

4. Walking Through Barbed Wire

This is a much better banger than “M-80” whate’er ’twas called, with those rusty guitar riffs. Also, there’s a’least some imagery here with the whole “walking through barbed wire” thing… tho it’s a pretty cliché symbol, & the rest o’ the metaphors & similes filling this song are similarly trite, including outright stale figures o’ speech like “kissing death” & “walking tall like trees”.

Grade: B

5. Decompression Period

Honestly, this gets a much higher grade than probably all the other songs only ’cause “decompression” acting as both a metaphor for letting out one’s frustration & sounding like “depression” is probably the only legit clever wordplay Papa Roach has e’er done.

& as a ballad it’s not that bad, probably ’cause oddly for Papa Roach it’s not that bombastic or full o’ too much cheese. Granted there are a lot o’ trite phrasing & repetitive lyrics, but for a song as depressed as this it kind o’ fits. There are much, much better songs that do this same thing, but look @ where our standards are. Plus, I kind o’ like how the song gradually builds energy. That cheap trick always gets me.

The aforementioned review also claimed this song was ’bout some inner band turmoil, with the reviewer e’en joking ’bout this song being Jacoby singing ’bout how he didn’t want to hang out with his band anymo’. Like with “Time and Time Again”, I can no longer find any hint o’ this idea anywhere else, so this reviewer could’ve just made up this interpretation, too.

Speaking o’ out-o’-nowhere interpretations, here’s what Genius has to say ’bout the seemingly innocuous line, “& I need some space…”:

Metes and bounds is a system or method of describing land, real property or real estate. The system has been used in England for many centuries, and is still used there in the definition of general boundaries.

Set those boundaries wisely. People’re bound to explode.

Well, I’ve certainly become a genius with these enlightening words o’ wisdom that have been shared to me.

Grade: B

6. Born with Nothing, Die with Everything

Yup, ’nother banger, better than “M-80”, but not as good as “Walking Through Barbed Wire”, or whate’er that song was called. I have to say, @ this point I’ve come to kinda appreciate the weird mechanical warmth o’ the guitar thruout this album, which works better for a mo’ banal song like this than, say, “M-80”, which is trying to be a big blast up the ass, but was just, eh.

After Genius’s fount o’ knowledge before, you may be wondering, ¿what have these historians discovered ’hind the arcane words, “People wake up & sing along”? Well wonder no mo’:

When people sing along they do it because they have or want to have that same mind state illustrated in the song

Thank you, Explain-O-Bot 4000™ for that thorough explanation on how the flesh creatures operate.

Grade: B

7. She Loves Me Not

’Nother example o’ Papa Roach’s terrible choices for singles. I know it’d be silly to get all hipster when talking ’bout Papa Roach, but this is a bit too poppy for a band like Papa Roach, who can’t really pull off great pop, specially with the same generic, broad lyrics as e’erywhere else in this album. The return o’ the rippity rapping doesn’t help: when Jacoby’s rapping worked — if we allow ourselves to entertain the idea that it e’er worked — ’twas giving off this groddy, scuzzy feel. That was why they were called “Papa Roach”. Now this album has none o’ that, which makes the name “Papa Roach” not fit well here. For as much as people rag on how bad rap metal is, I can tell you, rap alt rock is a far worse idea.

But the lyrics here aren’t just broad, but flat-out terrible. E’en by Roach standards, the raps make Thousand Year Krutch sound like Linkin Park in comparison; not only are there 2 lines that rhyme “¿What’s the deal, girl?” & “Tearing up each other’s world”, which is trite as all hell, but then these are followed by, “We should be in harmony, boy & girl”, rhyming with the 1st word again! I know there aren’t a lot o’ good words that rhyme with “girl”; but none o’ these lines were good, anyway, so just throw them all out. & yet none o’ the other lines are much better.

The verses are arguably worse, as they are sung in such a clunky, stop-&-go way as if a robot is trying to describe heart break, with lines in stiff perfect trochee like “WILL this BE an AMPuTAtion” or clinical lines like “this situation leads to agitation”. Yes, romantic turmoil does in fact lead to some sort o’ “agitation”. There’s particularly nasty — & not in a good way — enjambment with the lines, “but I hesitate / to tell her I hate / this relationship…”; & after that awkward rhyme in the middle o’ a sentence, the verse gives up on rhyming or e’en following the meter & just sputters out, “I want out today this is o’er”.

Grade: F

8. Singular Indestructible Droid

This is the best song in this album. Actually, in complete contrast to the sentiment I gave in the previous review, this song kind o’ blends the best elements o’ Infest & this album, having the mad science elements that sort o’ showed up on songs like “Dead Cell”, but much less cringe & replacing rapping with a mo’ effective droidlike monotone singing, with the cleaner, but mechanical-sounding guitar work. I particularly like the guttural BUH-BUH BUH-BUH. Granted, I’m not sure how I feel ’bout the weird chanting & village drums in the background. I guess the droid is attacking the village.

Grade A

9. Black Clouds

’Nother song where the monotone delivery, bland lyrics, & clean but downtuned guitar fit, since, like “Decompression Period”, it’s just ’bout being depressed. For background music songs, this 1 is 1 o’ the best on this album. Just don’t pay too much attention to the lyrics unless you like the kind o’ trite emo poetry with such similes as “tears fall like rain” & “pain strikes like lightning”. O well: this song is thematically coherent, sticking to its bad weather metaphor thruout; that’s a lyrical accomplishment for this band.

Grade B

10. Code of Energy

In contrast to the previous song’s coherency, this song is a mess that doesn’t know what tone it wants to give, jumping from announced verses, sudden shouts o’ the song title ’tween only the 2nd verse & chorus, &, in contrast, the chorus being the most monotone part, while after some amping during the bridge, there’s this bizarre spoken-word section where Jacoby in some mad scientist voice babbles some trite sci-fi shit. You’d think I’d like it, but it’s not weird ’nough to be interesting, & this song doesn’t have the energy that “Dead Cell” & “Singular Indestructible Droid” had.

Grade C

11. lovehatetragedy

We end with the worst song on the album, the title track, a song with a kooky mix o’ a lullaby-like but loud verses followed by an annoying nursery-rhyme-like chorus going “traaageeeedeeee”, & then the 2nd chorus is followed by sudden clanging announcing & shouting, & then this perishing, higher-pitch version o’ “traaageeedeee”, & then after the final chorus we get 1 final “¡TRAGEDEDE! ¡TRAGEDEDE!”. E’erything sounds so thudding & loud but not exciting, specially when this song is s’posed to be ’bout love, but with lyrics as awkward & generic that it, like “She Loves Me Not”, altogether sounds like it’s from the perspective o’ a robot who has only briefly heard rumors o’ this “love” thing. Only by reading the linear notes today have I realized that apparently there’s a war that brought the singer & some other person together, but that’s ’cause it’s briefly hinted @ in 2 lines, while most o’ the song is just repeating the word “tragedy” o’er & o’er.

Grade F

Bonus: 12. Gouge Away

¡Wow, this song’s very good! ¡It’s amazing how Jacoby’s lyricism totally improved so much, with lyrics that have that creative & mysterious imagery that early alt rock bands were known for!

O, wait, that’s ’cause this is a cover o’ a Pixies song. It’s certainly a competent rendition, — no Wes Scantlin squeeling out “About a Girl” like a dying donkey or MGK belting out “Arials” like a 10-year-ol’ angry that his mom took ’way his Switch energy. Granted, Jacoby tries a bit too hard while singing this song: a big point o’ this song, & the Pixies in general, is their mo’ laid-back vibe. This rendition doesn’t stray too far from that, — they could’ve done far worse — but it does lack some o’ the charm o’ the original. For instance, Jacoby’s plainer “doo-doo-doos” aren’t nearly as good as CMKTIV’s warm hums.

Grade B

Bonus: 13. Never Said It

I only reviewed the bonus songs so I could make the jokes ’bout the Pixies cover, but by doing so, I feel obligated to also review the other bonus song, since it’d be weird to just review 1 o’ the 2 bonus songs ’stead o’ either neither or both. All I can say ’bout this song is that it certainly exists.

Grade C

Final Verdict

Save for 2 terrible songs, I still stand by this being a solid album to listen to in the background. Tho not as memorable or interesting as Infest, it’s mo’ listenable unironically — tho it’s not nearly as good as Disturbed’s Believe.

Final Grade: C

To make up for this low-key review, I promise I will do Papa Roach’s far crazier Potatoes for Christmas — I swear that’s a real album — next December.

No joke this time. It’s finally time we examine what may be 1 o’ the most memetic albums in all nu-metal, The Sickness, the album with the world-conquering “Down with the Sickness”.

I don’t think I mentioned it before, but @ 1 point in my life Disturbed was my favorite band, ’tween when e’en lamer bands like Papa Roach were & when I stopped relying on mainstream radio for music discovery. Now my favorite metal music is real art, like Ghost SiIvaGunner & DJ Cumberbund Pig Destroyer, Cattle Decapitation, Anal Cunt, & Death, which I listen to from my vinyl record player while sipping my glass o’ Sangiovese Grosso Kraken rum in my purple rope. While Ten Thousand Fists was the 1st album I listened to, The Sickness immediately became my favorite o’ theirs ’pon listening to it. As I hinted @ in my review o’ Ten Thousand Fists, that album has lost much o’ its charm for me. ¿Will the same happen for The Sickness?

E’en many Disturbed fans look down on this album as being “simple”, but they’re just fake hipsters ( if they were real hipsters they’d be listening to actually serious music, like Aborted Fetus ). As we will see, some o’ the songs on this album are, indeed, simple, but there’s also a bit o’ variety, especially compared to Ten Thousand Fists, which was hardly math metal, which I’m pretty certain is a real genre, or later albums, which mostly coalesced round the same sound, albeit 1 I moderately enjoy ( Evolution & onward would coalesce round a new sound, & that sound was “sucking like Imagine Dragon My Nuts ’Cross Your Face” ). Songs like “Fear”, “Numb”, & — for better or for worse — “Droppin’ Plates” employ styles & sounds that Disturbed would ne’er try ’gain.

1. Voices

This was always my favorite song off this album, essentially a better version o’ “Down with the Sickness”, with faster, catchier verses that are much funner to sing ’long to like “Liberate” from their following album, — albeit also as repetitive ­— a mo’ melodic chorus with mo’ interesting pitch variations, & a bridge that is o’er the top in a mo’ fun, fast-paced way than “Down with the Sickness”’s infamously cringe bridge, especially since the fact that the singer is s’posed to be insane makes it feel mo’ fitting & lack the pretensions o’ “Down with the Sickness”. Admittedly, the opening “¡SOOOAAAAH!”s aren’t as iconic as the famous “¡OH-WAH-AH-AH-AH!”s, but you can’t have e’erything.

In essence, this song has aged ’bout as well as a Disturbed song could & is still a certified spookyween banger.

Song Grade: S

Music Video

I love the concept o’ this music video: some dorky cubicle worker listening to Disturbed with cheap, shitty headphones — what I imagine to be the average Disturbed fan, tho nowadays we go a step further in being asocial by just working from home — while some bald ghost man who’s his schizophrenic illusion tells him to tie up his boss & coworker who keep fucking with him while he’s trying to work, or… tossing the papers on the floor to the woman who handed him too much work with a smug smile. Honestly, these violent fantasies are tame as fuck. E’en mo’ tame, when the man breaks, he doesn’t e’en do anything mo’ than take off his tie, mess up his hair so he looks like Jesse Pinkman, & go attend a Disturbed concert. Not the most exciting concert, either: it looks like it’s in some guy’s garage they weren’t using @ the time, so, sure, you guys can use it for you music video, I guess.

Music Video Grade: B

2. The Game

In contrast to the goofy vague “¡I’M SO CRAZY!” lyrics o’ the previous song, this song is way mo’, well, disturbing & a much less fun song to sing ’long to, since it’s impossible for me not to interpret this as an anthem from an abuser, specially when it ends with lines like, “THAT LITTLE BITCH SHE WENT AND SHE TOLD A LIE / NEVER FUCKING LIE TO ME”. Obviously I don’t think any members o’ this band wanted to portray such behavior as positive any mo’ than they think having “violence fetishes” is a good thing ( & in fact they have an anti-abuse anthem in the form o’ “Façade” off their 4th album ); but the exploitation o’ violence gainst women as a source for drama & horror — the “dead girl” effect — is a cheap effect that, like the general machoposturing — or “toxic masculinity”, as all the hip zoomzooms call it now — & edgelordism o’ nu-metal, hasn’t aged well — tho, to be fair, Deftones did e’en more o’ the same thing @ the time, with “Digital Bath” from their magnum opus, “White Pony”, exploiting the image o’ a woman being electrocuted to death in a bath tub for cheap horror, & has received li’l flack by critics. ’Course, the main character here presents this as mutual abuse, — mutual abuse that the singer apparently likes — but since the woman in question ne’er gets a word out herself, it’s a mystery to the listener whether or not the singer is being honest or making this up to justify his own violence. Thank you for reading my literary analysis o’ “The Game” from Disturbed in the House We’re Droppin’ Plates’s Pulitzer-winning classic, “The Sickness”.

In terms o’ the actual music, I have to admit the catchy chorus does make it hard not to want to sing ’long, being e’en faster & having e’en mo’ sudden changes in tone, pitch, volume, & speed to really drive home how bonkers the singer is. In contrast, the verses have a weaker, softer, mo’ morose voice to them, especially the bridge, sounding mo’ jarring in contrast & sounding mo’ like an actual killer. This is not the most mindboggling artistic decision, but is certainly mo’ interesting than, say, Five Singer Game Grumps’ nonstop “I’M SO CRAZY & ANGRY I DON’T GIVE A FUCK” growling that only e’er sounds like not just an actor, but a bad actor. David Draiman may not be anywhere close to winning an Emmy, but he’s a’least on the level o’ a theater club member, which is high standing in the world o’ nu-metal. I also like the goofy wub-wub music that plays thru most o’ this song, like this “game” is some ICP-esque game show.

Grade: B

3. Stupify

A song so garbled that hardly anyone knows what the hell Draiman is singing — including the censors for the radio versions, which oft censor the innocent “animal” during Draiman’s opening monologue, but let Draiman’s constant birdlike squawks o’ “¡FYAACK!” run unabated. That’s fine, as when you read the lyrics, they just read like random amping, leading me to believe that Draiman composed these lyrics based more on what words he could sing in an interesting rhythm rather than for their meaning: the 1st verse has him complain line after line ’bout how nobody will give him 1 teeny li’l fuck; — or, sorry, I mean, “¡FYAACK!” — the 2nd verse has him give shoutouts to people from all different walks o’ life, which seems to have nothing to do with the rest o’ the song, but, believe it or not, has mo’ to do with this song’s intended meaning than the rest; the pre-chorus & chorus have the singer seemingly arguing with his fraying mental state, accusing someone o’ “playing around with [their] narrow scope of reality” & babbling nonsense, like asking if “we could put it on credit”; & then, as the cherry on top, during the bridge Draiman chants what turns out to be the Hebrew word “תפחד”, or “tefached”, before pleading with some woman who came out o’ nowhere to not deny him & not be afraid. Apparently this song is an anti-racism song inspired by Draiman’s Orthodox Jewish parents forcing him to break up with a gentile girlfriend when he was a kid. As it turns out, it is us, the listeners, who are truly stupefied. Also, I think they spelled “stupefy” wrong.

While I find the pre-chorus & chorus insatiably catchy & fun to sing ’long to & like the weird chant in the bridge, specially since it has real cultural context & is not just vague Arabian Nights jibberish by some pretending cracker ( looks askance @ Godsmack’s “Voodoo” ), the verses are repetitive, meaningless, & thudding, & the music is pretty boring, with its basic riffs that just sound like walls o’ downtuned guitars & bass — I love downtuned guitars & bass, but not just solid walls o’ it — during the opening & choruses, &, specially, those annoying squeaky guitar riffs during the verses.

Song Grade: B

Music Video

Most o’ this music video is just the band rocking out in a super yellow grungy room with boarded up windows — the kind 2000s music videos loved. ¡But check out these dance moves from Draiman!

This is interspersed by random images o’ some poor, dirty kid in tattered pants sitting on a bed with a long stare & Draiman dressed in a straightjacket in a mental institute — which I guess the kid is in, too. Then the kid looks @ a fish, the fish tank explodes, & then he rises in a T-pose like Jesus, but then is replaced by Draiman in the same pose. What this has to do with racism, I have no idea; but I have long since given up on trying to comprehend this song.

Music Video Grade: C

4. Down with the Sickness

( Unfortunately, I could not find an uncensored version o’ this song on YouTube ).

There’s a reason this song is memed ’bout so hard — arguably memed the most o’ any nu-metal song. E’erything in this song is begging for you to remember it: the opening tribal drums; the animalistic “¡OH-WAH-AH-AH-AH!”; the goofy chorus that sounds like the singer is saying, “COME MONKEY DOWN WITH THE SICKNESS”, but is, tragically, only saying, “COME ON GET DOWN WITH THE SICKNESS”; &, ’course, the infamously hammy bridge where the singer shouts & threatens retribution gainst “mommy” after his pleads for her to stop hitting him go unanswered — a bridge so deranged that most radio stations cut it to keep listeners’ sanity. I have read from multiple sources that “mommy” is apparently a metaphor for mother nature & how, like, the world itself, like, totally abuses you, man, tho Genius’s game theory is that “mommy” is, like, society, man, & it, like, has “fascist tendencies”, & is possibly also Ness from EarthBound. Either explanation is so hilariously pretentious that they ne’er fail to bring a smile to my face.

So it will surprise my readers that my favorite part o’ this song was ne’er any o’ these elements, but the least-considered verses, where Draiman starts by singing a calm chant, only to gradually build into louder & mo’ erratic singing, as if the singer is going from sane to insane within the verses.

’Course, I can’t do a review ’bout the memetic quality o’ “Down with the Sickness” without bringing up the meme possibly just as famous, Dicksturbed”s “Down with the Gheyness”, a true LGBTQIA+ anthem for my fellow rainbow people, which I, unfortunately, can’t embed ’cause YouTube is homophobic & it’s age-restricted & for some reason I can’t tell YouTube that my blog isn’t G-rated.

Song Grade: 👇🤒

Music Video

I’m disappointed in how tepid this monumental song’s music video is: it’s just the band on stage playing while showing clips o’ them standing around or walking toward stage & their fanbase rockin’ out, yo. Literally the most cliché music video.

Also, I didn’t remember this, since it’s been years since I’ve listened to the radio edit version o’ this song where they cut out the “no mommy” part, — or years since I’ve listened to a radio @ all, really — but I just noticed how janky & abrupt the cut is.

Music Video Grade: F

5. Violence Fetish

& then you have a song literally called “Violence Fetish”. There’s not much to say ’bout this song: it plays the same trick “The Game” does with the soft morose voice during the verses as a contrast to the lurid title, tho here it’s a bit too squeaky for my liking. I do like the melody o’ the pre-chorus’s “you’re pushing & fighting yooooour waaaay…”, only to abruptly shift to growling, “¡YOOOOU’RE RIPPING IN HAAAAAALF!”. I also find the opening lines o’ the chorus, “bring the violence / it’s significant” weird in the contrast o’ such a trashy concept & the somewhat highbrow “significant”, especially the weird way Draiman o’erpronounces the word.

The music is a mix for me. I kind o’ like the bass thumps o’ the verses, but am not a fan o’ the screeching squeaks coming from the guitars during the 1st 2 choruses.

Grade: B

6. Fear

Now here’s an underrated song, & the 1st to truly use the electronic elements o’ this album to great use, opening with what was to me an iconic Halloween-type melody that seems to foreshadow the music style o’ Ghost later, only for Draiman to suddenly shout, “FEAR SOMETHING AGAIN” — which I always thought was “HE’S HAUNTING AGAIN” as a kid, but whate’er — followed by an onomatopoeia that I actually think is superior to “¡OW-WAH-AH-AH-AH!”: some distorted, faded, “¡HA! ¡HA! ¡HA!” or “¡AH! ¡AH! ¡AH!”.

The verses, backed by similar spook synths, are when Draiman starts to get into the kind o’ grade-A cheese whiteboy wannabe-gangster rap that nu-metal is famous for. Just listen to these hard-ass lines straight from the streets o’ Chicago:

punk ass, ¿are you listening? ¿can you hear me?
¿or are you deaf & dumb to my language?
¿do the real words seem to hurt you?
well, put ’em up, motherfucker

Tho I think e’en cheesier is when he actually says, “stand back, brother, take your hand back” in the bridge.

The 1 part I don’t like ’bout this song is those damn guitar squeaks during the interlude just after the 2nd chorus. Thankfully they don’t last too long.

Grade: A

7. Numb

An e’en mo’ underrated song that sounds nothing like any other song Disturbed has made: a doom dirge with stretched out guitar noise while Draiman sings in his deepest most morose voice I’ve e’er heard. The verse lyrics are all repetitive, following the pattern o’, “[verbing] in/out/down/now, I’m”, but that fits the numb theme o’ this song, & still manages to make it weird by breaking the sentences in half in each line, ending each like with the beginning o’ the next sentence as if the singer’s numbness is delaying him. It’s not quite as good a depression song as Three Days Grace’s masterpiece, “Drown”, especially since I don’t think the extremely scratchy voice Draiman uses during the choruses really fit all that well, but is a highlight on this album.

Grade: A

8. Want

Unfortunately, after that there is a falloff on this album, starting with “Want”, a song that’s repetitive in a way that doesn’t fit particularly well with this song as “Numb”, both in the verses constantly going, “your mind won’t let you…” & the verses going, “[verbering] now, [verbering] now…”.

This song is very gross, which I guess makes it effective. It’s some guy smarmily telling some woman, “your mind won’t let you see that you want me”, which sounds like a guy who won’t take no for an answer, which is made all the skeevier when talking ’bout this woman “quivering” & “harkening”. This guy sounds like he’s so obsessed with this woman’s mind that he wants to rip out her brain & put it in a jar so he can goon to it. I mean, he literally sings out, “¡SAVOOOR HER MIIIIIIIND, YEAH!” @ the end o’ the bridge. This all very well may be intentional — I must reiterate that this is a band called Disturbed, & believing that heavy metal singers truly want to murder people or be the devil is an amateur mistake. Still, this song goes so far in its goal to be repellent that it generally repels me from listening, which is either a great success or a failing, depending on what you want from art.

Also, lots & lots o’ guitar squeaks.

Grade: 🤮

Music Video

I’m shocked that this song o’ all songs has a music video. It is, like “Down with the Sickness”’s, just concert footage, but with the twist that some o’ the footage is very ol’ footage from I think when they were much younger. Or maybe it’s a fan-made video. All I know is that the singer has hair.

Music Video Grade: D

9. Conflict

& now we have a song e’en mo’ repetitive, constantly reiterating, “[something something] ENEMY” with generic thumping drums in the background. The chorus doesn’t e’en do much to differentiate it from the verses, still reiterating that same pattern, just slightly faster. The bridge tries to add some desperately-needed differentiation, sonically, a’least, with lower, soupier singing & music, but it’s still repetitive “DUH-DUH-DUH” rhythm & none o’ it is anything that wasn’t done better in earlier songs, like “Numb”.

Grade: D

10. Shout 2000

The obligatory 80s cover song. Tho I don’t consider this cover as a song itself near as good as their cover o’ “Land of Confusion”, or as good as half the songs on this album, unlike “Land of Confusion”, I do think this cover is much better than the original, since, honestly, Tears for Fear didn’t do a great job on their original version. They weren’t e’en shouting, for god’s sake. That’s not to say I don’t think this cover could’ve been done better: it’s nowhere the loudest song on this album itself, & all the weird electronic effects & verbal digressions — including a reference to Vanilla Ice, o’ all things — are distracting. None o’ it is funny ’nough to be memeworthy, but it also doesn’t particularly sound great. That said, this song’s all right. It’s inoffensive — not unlike the original Tears for Fear song, which didn’t have amazing lyrics, either. Honestly, I don’t think Disturbed could’ve made this all that great without just making a whole ’nother song, given how meh the original is. “Mad World” would’ve been mo’ fitting, but probably too cliché. Also, given Disturbed’s style o’ doing covers, it probably would’ve been a much worse cover, anyway.

Grade: C

11. Droppin’ Plates

Now here’s a memeworthy song. It is criminal that this song is ignored. ¡Just listen to it! ¡It oozes cheese @ e’ery word! I would have to just transcribe the entire song to list all its goofy lyrics. ’Course, the big 1 is the 1 I keep using to describe them, “Disturbed in the house, we’re droppin’ plates”. As that line indicates, this is Disturbed’s rap-metal song — ’cept sung from the perspective o’ someone whose only experience with rap is the Fresh Prince. Part o’ me thinks this song has to be an intentional joke; but Disturbed apparently were so proud o’ this song that they used part o’ the line “gonna fight the war & use my music as a weapon” to name their special tour.

But I also have to highlight “droppin’ plates on your ass”, which he repeats multiple times, “a little something for your ear hole, ¡GET UP!”, & the chorus, “you know I’m talkin’ ’bout / recogniiitiooooon”, sang/rapped in a weird mix o’ Draiman trying to sound like a rapper & his quiet dirge voice. I also love how this song starts with some

“Dropping plates” is a term where the plate is a vinyl record, basically meaning that Disturbed is making and releasing songs and albums. The whole song, as a matter of fact, is about how their music is the best around. Don’t start picturing David Draiman smashing plates on his kitchen floor anytime soon.

Genius

It’s too late: you can’t stop me.

Grade: S

12. Meaning of Life

& if that wasn’t goofy ’nough, this album ends with a sex song that’s as sexy as a Davey and Goliath fanfic, with Draiman shouting ’bout how he wants to “GET PSYCHO”, wants you to “give in, give in, DECIDE”, & wants “your power glowing, juicy, flowing, red hot meaning of life”, which I guess means the singer has a fetish for fucking a girl while she’s on her period, since I’m pretty sure cum isn’t red — I guess she’s his cherry pie. The last line they were so proud o’ that they repeated it in both verses. Then in the bridge Draiman goes full scatman while singing ’bout “pretentious whores”. That’s not the Scatman’s World I was promised.

The music… fuck, nobody cares ’bout the music. It’s a god damn Disturbed song ’bout being thirsty.

Grade: 😈🍆🍑🩸

Conclusion

So, ¿does this album still hold up? Sorta yes & no. Musically, no: most songs seem to just throw instruments & especially synth effects @ the wall to create loud noise rather than having much memorable. I don’t think anyone’s going to compare any riffs in this album to the likes found on classic Black Sabbath or Slayer, & those god damn guitar squeaks must’ve been chosen just ’cause they’re loud, not ’cause they sound good. Draiman begins to show his singing — & let’s be real, acting — versatility, but develops his singing better on later albums, especially Believe.

Howe’er, this is an album that sticks in your mind better than most “better” metal. It finds that perfect balance o’ luridness greater than most nu-metal, but not to the exaggerated, gory extent that bands like Cannibal Corpse do, which goes so far that it’s too easy to become numb to it, especially when the growling vocals are so o’erdone that you can’t e’en understand what they’re saying, in contrast to Draiman’s singing, which finds the balance where you can sorta hear what he’s saying most o’ the time. The softer theatrics & pop-catchy melodies, if anything, adds to the weirdness, as do the broader, mo’ down to earth lyrics, especially since they’re still weird — not in viscerality, like most metal bands, but in how ill-fitting they are, like they’re inaccurate translations from ancient texts. Essentially, what Disturbed has ’bove most other metal bands is camp: if other metal bands are the George Romero or Wes Cravens o’ metal bands, Disturbed is the Roger Corman: fascinating in how off the map it is & fueled by their shared lack o’ giving a fuck how nonsensical their work is. For better or worse, only a band like Disturbed could make songs as fascinatingly weird as “Stupify”, “Want”, “Meaning of Life”, “Droppin’ Plates”, &, yes, “Down with the Sickness”. ¿Could you imagine anyone else e’en coming up with a bizarre, false slang term like, “down with the sickness”? ¡Nobody e’er said that! ¡Nobody said “droppin’ plates”! Those were not things people said until Disturbed unleashed them on the world like the sins o’ humanity ’pon opening Pandora’s Box. I could probably survive fine without Ten Thousand Fists, & maybe e’en Believe; ¿but The Sickness? We would lose a lot a culture with that loss.

So while I don’t imagine this album getting anywhere near the top o’ Rate Your Music, where silly things like “musicianship” & “complex themes” play the highest importance, on Mezun’s scale o’ memeworthiness, The Sickness earns its legendary status.

Album review: S

Evanescence is 1 o’ those nu-metal bands that still gets a lot o’ slack & is still called cringe while bands like Linkin Park & e’en Limp Bizkit to some extent have been rehabilitated a bit, & I’m going to be that annoying progressive & say that it’s probably ’cause this band is girly, as well as having tinges o’ emo & goth, made most notorious by that infamously cheesy fanfic, which is still a meme, but now for all the mysteries surrounding its author. I find this strange, as there has been a backlash gainst the macho-posturing o’ nu-metal — especially their love o’ the homophobic F-slur, made most infamous by Fred Durst & Jonathan Davis’s attempt @ a rap battle that soils the otherwise good Follow the Leader, & which is definitely mo’ cringe than anything on this album — in contrast to, say, the mo’ sensitive Linkin Park, & a renewed appreciation for emo/goth bands — some nerds are going to rage @ me for just throwing those both into a single group, but nobody fucking cares, guys — like My Chemical Romance. After all, as the Boom-Booms love to say, younger generations are so sensitive these days, what with their functioning nerves that haven’t decayed into dead skin yet. ¿Is it time for J. J. W. Mezun, Certified Nu-Metal Expert, to rehabilitate Evanescence the way they single-handedly made Three Days Grace the biggest rock band o’ 2024?

1. Going Under

Amy Lee’s deep, filtered demon voice declaring, “now i will tell you what i’ve done for you”, is a great, iconic way to open an album ( tho I can’t help comparing it to the opening to the famous 90s “You Oughta Know”, where Alanis Morissette opens with, “i want you to know that i’m happy for you” in a similarly slow & menacing — albeit less spectral — voice ).

In fact, Amy Lee showed her versatility as a singer in this song, especially during the 2nd verse, where she switches from the opening filtered voice to an e’en mo’ ghostly, serpentine whispery voice, to mo’ melodic singing as it transitions to the chorus. Also, while most o’ the song’s music is pretty basic riffs, — albeit making a mo’ interesting contrast to Lee’s mo’ melodic singing than, say, Five Funky Dijon Lunch Ivan Moody’s standard metal gruff shouting — I like the subtle off-kilter piano notes ’hind the 2nd chorus.

The music video is just a clusterfuck, & yet still mo’ coherent than half the music videos for Three Days Grace’s self-titled. While scenes jump from Amy Lee swimming underwater like the Little Mermaid to their guitarist, Ben Moody, sweating while dealing with nosy reporters with distorted faces, it all revolves round the theme o’ the trials o’ fame… which would be mo’ believable if this weren’t the 2nd single o’ their debut album: you crackas weren’t dealing with the trials o’ fame yet. It’s like when Eminem was whining ’bout e’eryone trying to cancel him before anyone knew what his name was on The Slim Shady LP. Also, apparently Billboard listed this as 1 o’ the 15th scariest music videos in 2013. I can only presume this was written by a TV Troper who still insists that the original Luigi’s Mansion is scary.

Grade: A

2. Bring Me To Life

1 o’ the most iconic spooky, scary skeleton songs: the opening piano notes, Amy Lee’s saturnine voice singing, “¿how can you see into my eyes like open doors?”, & a few lines mo’, only for her to be accompanied by a ghostly voice in the background & the guitar riffs starting up, then a pause before the chorus… & then suddenly Mike Shinoda from Linkin Park some jebroni-ass cracka tryin’ to see Compton named Paul McCoy in some tough-guy standard Limp-Bizkit-ass nu-metal voice going, “¡Wake me up!” & “¡I can’t wake up!” like he’s Amy Lee’s hype man, her Favor Flav, while Lee tries to continue singing despite this distraction. Amy Lee was understandably not keen on her label forcing Evanescence to add a rapper to this song, — tho thankful that e’ery song didn’t need rippity rapping, like the label originally wanted, in stark contrast to Linkin Park’s label wanting the real Mike Shinoda to not rap, & for their DJ to wear a cowboy hat & lab coat, which, maybe they should’ve considered that other idea… — but I have to admit it adds to the cheesy charm o’ this song, especially when McCoy himself starts using his own spooky voice that sounds like he’s almost vomiting, with, “¡there’s nothing inside!”, just before the end.

But, no offense to Paul McCoy ( despite repeatedly dunking on him in the previous paragraph — I’m just playin’, Paul, you know I love you ), but the best version o’ this song is a live version with the 1, the only, “I love it when you call me big Papa” Jacoby Shaddix, where the band pauses just before the famous rap verse in the bridge with some amping music while Amy Lee hypes the fuck up his intro, telling the audience to clap their hands & calling out, “¡Jacoby, get out here, help me out with this!”, all for Jacoby to sing some short, goofy rap bars. It’s spectacular & the 1 time I wish I’d seen something live.

Grade: S

3. Everybody’s Fool

I can’t write ’bout this song without writing ’bout the amazing version o’ this song I found in some files I was rescuing from my sister’s corrupted hard drive, a version I thought was some troll YouTube poop version some wag making fun o’ Evanescence made: it started with cheesy sitcom music with some kid shouting, “¡Pepperoni!”, & then some cheesy Italian voice saying, “Mmm, ¡I love it!”, ending with some bizarre message, “There is nothing better than a good lie”, before the song actually starts. & just when you think it’s going to be the normal song, in the middle o’ it you hear random jackhammering noises.

So it’s to my shock when I finally saw the music video for this song & discovered, no, that wasn’t some troll: that’s the music video version o’ this song:

Also, the “jackhammering” was apparently the engine o’ a motorcycle fake Amy Lee was riding while Jonathan Davis from Korn in his Grandmaster Flash tracksuit gives an approving nod, just before she passed 1 o’ them a blue can o’ “LIES” cola, which should go well with the “Lies Pizza” sold @ the beginning o’ the music video. These scenes are interspersed with scenes o’ puff-faced emo Amy Lee dressed in a hoodie or track pants ( ¿why is it cool when the biker dude wears track pants, but the woman’s the loser for doing so? ) in dim lit rooms or elevators, trying to force herself to smile in the mirror; dealing with nosy Karens too naïve to know that you should ne’er fuck with a gloomy-looking cracka, ’cause they may be packin’ & ready to start a school shootin’ early; &, my own personal favorite pastime, laying in bed feeling sorry for herself. This juxtaposition o’ cheesy, dumb, faux-50s style fake adverts & 2000s-era emo depression makes this music video an S rank for me.

As for the song itself… it’s fairly catchy, tho I didn’t find the music memorable.

So far this song’s lyrics are mo’ focused than the mo’ abstract previous songs. Admittedly, I’ve always been cynical for as long as I remember & have ne’er been into celebrities, so I personally have trouble relating to the feeling o’ disillusionment with celebrities. We can’t say it’s not still relevant, tho: I know I keep referencing the Great Beef War o’ 2024, — & that’s mostly on purpose as a running joke — but the bridge where Amy Lee sings menacingly, “without the mask / ¿where will you hide? / can’t find yourself / lost in your lie…”, can’t not remind me o’ the final verse o’ “meet the grahams”: “take the mask off / i wanna see what’s under them achievements / ¿why believe you? you never gave us nothin’ to believe in”. I mean, obviously it’s not as dark as that song: this song is Luigi’s Mansion to that song’s Resident Evil. But I like Luigi’s Mansion, so that’s no problem. In any case, I’m standing on the take that this song is harder than anything Five Filing Debt Crunch has e’er written. If anything, our better understanding o’ the dark side o’ celebrity now — the way Britney Spears would later be treated, all o’ the sexual assault happening then that would only come to light later, & much mo’ — make this song’s message o’ celebrity deceit much darker in hindsight & make the warnings o’ not desiring to be a celebrity much mo’ resonant.

Indeed, during the research I did during the writing o’ this review, I discovered allegations by Amy Lee that guitarist Ben Moody was abusive toward her & that her manager, Dennis Rider, had sexually harassed Lee, as well as sexually assaulted other women a few years after this album came out, as well as Amy Lee claiming that she had been in an abusive relationship for 3 years ( presumably Moody ) while writing this album. I haven’t found anywhere where Lee specifically mentions this song & the fame they clearly imagined themselves to have after this album ( if the music video from “Going Under” is any indication ) being related to that, but, ’gain, it makes this song eerily resonant with the kind o’ revelatory songs that are coming out in 2024.

( I should note that the fact that this album’s composition was inspired by real trauma doesn’t surprise me as much as it might some, especially since I already knew ’bout the story o’ the younger sister dying, which we’ll get to later; in fact, a lot mo’ melodramatic nu-metal bands accused o’ being middle-class whiny white boy emos than people realize did: for instance, Chester Bennington o’ Linking Park & Jonathan Davis o’ Korn were both sexually abused as children, the latter o’ which became the basis for the Korn song “Daddy” [ & Bennington was poor before Linkin Park got big ] ).

Grade: B

4. My Immortal

O, the infamous song. I wonder if nowadays this song is mo’ well-known as the title o’ that infamously bad Harry Potter fanfic o’er, well, the song itself. ¿Has anyone e’er brought up the fanfic to Amy Lee? After a short online search, I found that the answer is apparently yes: her own sister. That’s pretty funny.

That being said… Yeah, I ne’er felt this song, & the same goes for now. That’s not surprising, since I rarely go for slow, sparse ballads, & this 1 doesn’t have the kind o’ creative lyrics that make up for that. I mean the pre-chorus literally has the line, “these wounds won’t seem to heal”, which I would assume was ripped off from Linkin Park’s “Crawling” if not for the fact that Hybrid Theory came out round the time this song was 1st released, so they must’ve been written independently. Considering how trite the phrase is, that’s not too strange a coincidence to believe.

I would feel bad ’bout dunking on this song, considering, unlike that cheesy song Five-Footed Daily Grunge had on their 1st album, a real relative o’ Amy Lee’s actually did die while she was young; but it turns out Amy Lee hates this song, too, — or this version, anyway — ’cause it’s a shoddy recording with fake piano & poorly-recorded vocals from an ol’ demo, tho this album’s version adds strings… which kind o’ just makes this song sound e’en cheesier. Why their label insisted on using a bad recording rather than let the band rerecord it, I have no idea. Also, apparently the song was written by Ben Moody & is “purely fictional” & ’twas when they were 15. So, no, I don’t feel bad for thinking a song by literal 15-year-ol’s sucks. In their defense, the songs I was writing when I was 15 were much worse & will, thankfully, ne’er see the light o’ day.

The music video includes a slightly better version, with real piano, better vocals, & guitar in the last 3rd or so. The guitar really does add a much-needed break to the monotonous piano melody that doesn’t seem to change much e’en in the choruses, but doesn’t make the song that much better, really. Hell, e’en the music video itself is boring, just showing black & white footage o’ Amy Lee sitting in a tree or lying on a roof or Ben Moody wandering random streets.

Grade: F

5. Haunted

Under no circumstance will any o’ the lyrics I wrote when I was 15 be released unto the world.

Anyway, this is more like the kind o’ spooky skeleton music I like, with the opening organ — ¿is that what that instrument is? — with building muffled drums while Lee drones her lyrics, only to pause with heartbeatlike beeps before going into the chorus.

The lyrics are, ’course, very cheesy, generic spooky stuff, which is fine —

The song’s lyrics are based off of a short story guitarist Ben Moody had written about an 8-year-old girl who gets trapped in a house after her ball bounces inside and is kept alive through another occupant of the house.

10 years later, she has grown dependent on the man who occupies the house for survival and while she wants to kill the man and escape, she has conflicting thoughts about the situation. On the one hand, she has the chance to finally leave the house if he dies and on the other, the man has been the only person she’s known for a decade and is the only constant in an ever-changing house.

Genius

( Genius doesn’t cite a source, but I was able to track down sources in the form o’ people claiming to be Amy & Ben — using the spy names “Snow White” & “efanar”, respectively, ’cause ’course those are the names those dorks would use — on an Evanescence fan forum. I have no idea why I’m putting this much effort into research like I’m deconstructing a political economics article, but I am apparently that afraid o’ being caught passing on fake news ’bout a 2000s rock band most people forgot ’bout. Guess I’m the dork ).

How the hell does a weird-ass story like that turn into vague lyrics ’bout feeling “so hollow inside” & how the singer “can feel you pull me down”. If I had to guess before this tidbit, I would’ve guessed this was ’bout the feeling o’ depression.

I also have to say it’s kinda weird that Moody wrote a short story ’bout a li’l girl kidnapped & groomed by some “figure” for 10 years, who is described as “rap[ing] her mind and watch[ing] her when she sleeps”, & then essentially develops Stockholm Syndrome ( insert cliché Twilight joke ), & that it’s written mo’ as a titillating spooky story, going into detail how “pale and dirty” her skin has become & how “Sun has not graced her flesh in over a decade” than any kind o’ genuine outrage against such things happening, especially given the aforementioned allegations gainst him. Personally, when I was that age I was making silly Pokémon comics ’bout an evil genius Torchic who tries to enslave all humans, not this fucked-up shit.

Grade: B

6. Tourniquet

OK, now this song’s lyrics are pretty metal, which is funny, as it’s actually a cover o’ a song by a Christian death metal band, — you know, the genre mainly inspired by such Christlike bands as Slayer — Soul Embraced, written by that band’s guitarist, Rocky Gray, who was a drummer for some o’ Evanescence’s live shows. This version is much better than Soul Embraced’s, as Soul Embraced’s singer does the Cookie Monster singing that for some reason so many death metal bands do, still under the delusion that it doesn’t make them sound e’en goofier than a nu-metal or ordinary Christian rock band. While some o’ the weird filters put o’er her voice dampens this a bit, Amy Lee still sounds mo’ like someone actually praying to God than, well, the Cookie Monster. Also, the opening riffs sound like the opening riffs to Nickelback’s “Because of You”. I don’t think that’s their fault, as “Because of You” came afterward, but it’s not my fault that that riff will always be associated in my head with that song.

This song makes a metaphor ’bout being damned to hell & separated by God by comparing that to a tourniquet being used to staunch the flow o’ blood before finally amputating the limb. Hell yeah. In this case I think it’s better that the lyrics themselves don’t go beyond mentioning tourniquets: knowing what they are & how they’re used gives the full story. What is important is @ the end where it’s revealed why the singer fears they may be damned to hell:

tourniquet, my suicide

Let me just say that, in contrast to the ✝-rock Thousand Foot Krutch’s tone-deaf song on ( maybe ) suicide ’bout how sorry the dead singer is for the trouble they caused for the “victims” still living & how they should just be an example for how the still-living should act ( by not dying ), this ✝-rock song showing genuine empathy with suicidal people with a Job-like protest before God is refreshing. I find religious songs where one writes honestly ’bout one’s struggles with their religion & the unquestionable injustice o’ the world much mo’ interesting than straight moralizing.

I’m mixed on the music itself. I like the opening noise, but some o’ the electric sounds don’t fit well, especially those fake-sounding drums, which sound like they belong mo’ in a Drake song than a 2000s rock cover o’ a death metal song. It’s a nitpick, tho.

Grade: A

7. Imaginary

I’m serious, I’m not fucking showing any o’ you assholes my shitty ol’ teenage song lyrics. They make Thousand Foot Krutch’s “Rawkfist” sound like “Big Poppa” in comparison.

I know this song is pretty silly, but I would argue it has some o’ the most creative lyrics, with vague abstract terms we’ve heard in so many o’ these albums ’bout pain & feeling hollow replaced by deep imagery o’ raindrops telling a story as they fall or “alarm-clock-screaming monsters”. I also like how that 1st bit o’ fantasy hints @ to the cause o’ this seemingly childish fantasizing, hinted @ in the 2nd verse, but mo’ fully revealed in the bridge: the singer’s insomnia induced by lonely fear o’ the real world. Maybe this is me reading my own experience too much into it, but I can tell you, in the past when I had a miserable job spending 13 hours a day filling liquor trays for airlines my alarm clock was genuinely the scariest noise for me; & the dread o’ such ticking time bomb going off eventually oft soured what was otherwise 1 o’ the few respites from said miserable job & wishing for sleep being 1 o’ the few escapes from said dread — especially since part o’ that dread was not getting ’nough sleep & being miserably exhausted the next day.

The twinkly piano notes & strings are a bit cheesy… but if one didn’t want cheesy, an Evanescent album probably isn’t the best choice o’ listening material.

Grade: A

8. Taking Over Me

Sigh.

Here is the chorus to some emo-ass song I wrote in October 2006, when I had just turned 15 — or a’least typed-up: I’m just going by the file modification date — called “Pain Game”, in all-caps, as if I was making fun o’ how dumb it sounds e’en back then:

TICKING, CLICKING
IT’S GOING DOWN THE DRAIN
YOU WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
KICKING, DEPICTING
IT’S HURTING YOUR BRAIN
YOU WISH YOU WERE OUT OF THIS GAME

I’m dead serious when I say I’m not letting the rap verses e’er ’scape to the public, as doing so would be chemical warfare on the general public, & thus a war crime. Clearly back then I had not honed the craft that I would later possess to create such classics as “I met Dr. Jekyll” & “I’m spillin’ ya beans”.

Anyway, back to the album review in progress. “Taking Over Me” is a fun song, I guess. Let’s see what Genius says it’s ’bout:

Evanescence would never again scale the heights their debut record Fallen propelled them to. When you hear a track like “Taking Over Me,” an album cut, it’s clear how they sold 15 million copies of this record. Amy Lee’s incredible vocals are matched by a heavily produced and flawless guitar riff carrying the message of a person losing their sense of self in an unrequited relationship. It’s a track that easily could have been a single.

The song was secretly written about Amy Lee’s future husband, Josh Hartzler.

( Laughs ). OK, I didn’t expect a review from their biggest fan. I think “flawless guitar riff” is a bit much, — ¿how is Ben Moody ne’er mentioned ’mong the guitar legends like Jimi Hendrix, Tom Morello, or Carlos Santana? — especially immediately after the phrase, “heavily produced”. Usually people are being disparaging when they say that.

Anyway, this song is basically a silly love song from the perspective o’ a stalker, which certainly fits well in an album like this. That’s not me making fun o’ it: Amy Lee says so herself:

As with Bring Me To Life, I was writing that one about Josh kinda too, secretly. A lot of my lyrics have double meanings. There is the main meaning and then there’s the secret, sub-meaning for me. The main meaning was storytelling from the eyes of the stalker – with the line, ‘You don’t remember me, but I remember you.’ It was sort of the prequel to Snow White Queen. But the underneath meaning was that I was having all these feelings for this guy that I couldn’t tell him about. Why tell one story when you can two? I do that so often!

It’s really precious that Amy’s treating the common literary device known as subtext like it’s some new invention o’ hers. Also, ¿are those really 2 different meanings? I mean, if you’re writing songs ’bout someone you’re romancing after but with whom you don’t actually have a relationship, I mean, we kind o’ call that stalking, too…

Grade: B

9. Hello

OK, here’s the song ’bout Lee’s dead sister. Thankfully, it’s much better than “My Immortal”, which makes me wonder why they picked that awful song to be the single ( not to say that either o’ these absolute bangers make the best radio hit material ). The lyrics are much better than you’d expect from a nu-metal song, where o’ersang wangst ’bout ¿HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO MEEEE?, e’en if sometimes based on real trauma, is the norm. Going with the mo’ unsettling vibe o’ someone refusing to accept the death o’ a loved one — as well as the dissonant tone o’ giving this song the friendly title, “Hello” — is a much better choice &, ironically, makes it feel mo’ real, as, unfortunately, all the “¿HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO MEEEE?” songs make it impossible to discern genuine tragedy from “My mom wouldn’t buy me those $40 name-brand jeans @ Hot Topic — ¡life is so unfair!”, like a musical form o’ the boy who cried wolf.

While the lyrics & piano notes are suitably creepy, the strings are a bit cliché, & it feels like it’s missing something to really make it stand out — tho I do like the falling, stretching notes ’tween verses.

Grade: B

10. My Last Breath

I like the imagery o’ a song from the point o’ view o’ someone on their last breath before death, tho I wouldn’t be surprised if someone else made a song with a similar premise.

There’s just 1 problem I have with this song:

“My Last Breath” is the tenth track off of Evanescence’s debut album, Fallen. The song was inspired by the 9/11 attacks that killed just under 3,000 people in New York City, New York and Washington, D.C., United States.

Genius

¿Who would’ve thought that making a song ’bout 9/11 would be the cringiest thing Evanescence did on their 1st album? Not to be 1 o’ those edgelords who think those random strangers totally deserved it, or whate’er, or that the reactionary religious fanatic who had no problem being on the same side as the US when they were ganging up on communists is some underrated genius revolutionary with his brilliant plan to attack a bunch o’ random civilians & do no damage to the US state itself, — that’s why Bin Laden is dead, Al-Qaeda is irrelevant, & the US… well, if the US falls, it’ll be self-inflicted & due to economic factors that would’ve happened without Bin Laden’s spectacle — but honkeys be acting like this was the 1st time thousands o’ people had died, & hardly any songs dealt with the political ramifications o’ the attack, which is weird, since it clearly was a political attack.

It’s funny that another quote, which seems to confirm that Genius isn’t making this up, has Ben Moody say, “‘My Last Breath’ came from right after the September 11th thing”, calling it “the September 11th thing”, as if he didn’t e’en care ’bout it.

That being said, I do like the line “look for me in the white forest”, which sounds majestic, till you realize it’s referring to a graveyard o’ white tombstones. There are far worse 9/11 songs & this 1 is broad ’nough to extend beyond that specific topic.

I do wish the song’s sound fit mo’ with the breathing motif, like Three Days Grace’s “Drown”, with its ending sounding like the song itself is drowning @ the end.

Grade: B

11. Whisper

¿Why does this album end with this rather forgettable song & not the song called “My Last Breath”?

E’en Amy Lee isn’t that proud o’ this song:

“Whisper” is something that we still play on stage a lot and I love playing it, it’s a great live song. But lyrically it doesn’t hold a ton of meaning for me anymore ‘cause I’m not really at a very dark place in my life at all right now.

I guess the Latin chanting @ the end is a decent album closer, tho kind o’ cliché.

Grade: C

Conclusion

Album Grade: B

Well, that was October’s nostalgic novelty nu-metal album. Join me next month as we look @ another album.

I have been very self-deprecating ’bout the embarrassing music I liked as a kid like Papa Roach, Skillet, & Breaking Benjamin, — tho I actually still liked the Breaking Benjamin album we listened to — but here is where I choose my battle & die on my sword: Three Days Grace — a’least the albums when they still had Adam Gontier as their lead singer — still holds up. I’m not going to sit here being all “hurr hurr, this shit was, like, so lame” pretending like this shit doesn’t still slap my ass back to the past to play some video games that suck ass. I’m not going to pretend I don’t cum all o’er myself when I hear Gontier’s grunge-light voice — that perfect balance o’ not too clean, with a li’l gravel, but not too far into the hurdy-gurdy Scott Stapp “singing while choking on a squirrel” style.

I’m also going to make the hot take that their 1st self-titled album was their best, a’least musically — it’s admittedly probably their worst lyrically. No album succeeds @ sounding as gloomy as this while still having ’nough pop sensibilities to actually be an enjoyable, catchy listen; no other album so perfectly evokes that feeling o’ a preteen sitting a dim-lit room on a rainy afternoon thinking dour thoughts for no reason ’cause their mother doesn’t believe in antidepressants or therapy. & since it’s September & autumn is starting to bring its gloomy weather here in the “Great Gray North” that is Seattle, now is the perfect time ( for me a’least: I don’t know what to tell you people near the equator where it’s probably still 30° Celsius ).

1. Burn

& we start with what I consider the best song o’ the album — & this band’s best song entirely. ¡It’s all downhill from here! This album opens with gradual crackling noise till we finally get those down-tuned guitars going in a jumping pattern, followed by thumping high hats like lightning strikes, & then some weird guitar riffs that go “WEAH-WEAH-WEAH-WEAH, WEAH-WEAH-WEAH-WEAH” while Gontier coolly sings the opening lines in his perishing alt-rock voice before bellowing out the chorus. I particularly like how the bridge solos go back to the main strumming, pause for a moment, & then start wilding out the riffs & drums & the different pitches Gontier sings the final word o’ the chorus the other 2 times he sings it.

¿But what o’ this song’s lyrics? ¿What is this song about? Beats me: as a kid I ne’er cared that much ’bout lyrics & would oft make up meanings for songs, e’en when I did know them. I’m pretty sure Arctic Monkeys’ “Crying Lightning” is ’bout a breakup or a toxic relationship, but as far as I’m concerned it’s ’bout lightning.

Let’s see what Genius has to say:

“Burn” is the riotous opening track to Three Days Grace’s eponymous album. Accompanied by clashing cymbals and thrumming bass, Adam Gontier incinerates his enemies.

¡Ha, ha, ha! That’s so cute: “Adam Gontier incinerates his enemies”. See, e’en Genius knows this song is great.

Grade: S

2. Just Like You

Unlike the previous song, I know precisely what this song is ’bout: it’s 1 o’ those cheesy “¡I’M NOT GONNA BE PART O’ YOUR SYSTEM!” songs.

But despite how cliché the lyrics are… the musical elements are just so good: that intro with those memorably downtuned riffs, the way Gontier shouts the verse lyrics, & then quietly sings the prechorus, only to build back to shouting for the chorus. The singing just has so many hooks & li’l twists that make it catchy. There’s a reason they made this a single.

The music video fits the song’s meaning, — spoiler: it’s the only 1 that does — & is the typical spooky sterile-white-clean authoritarian dystopian environment with e’eryone wearing masks; but I can’t not mention my amusement @ the fact that most o’ said masks look a bit like Trump, adding a whole new unintended interpretation decades later.

Grade: A

3. I Hate Everything About You

( Sigh ). Look, I know how cringe these lyrics are, — tho I don’t know if there were many songs with this love/hate topic when this came out, tho there were definitely many that came afterward — but musically this song is just perfect, e’ery part: the twanging opening acoustic notes, followed by drums, & then the best part, the quaking basslines while Gontier sings in that quivering voice that lingers on the final syllable, that feedback-filled guitar @ the end o’ the verses, the pause after the verse followed by rolling drums & shouted chorus, & then that chorus followed by the opening notes again but with those high “DUH, DUH, DUH, DUH-DUH-DUH” notes, the bridge, which sounds like a blend o’ the verse & chorus singing style, still quivering, but much louder…

I’m not e’en going to pretend to understand what story the music video’s trying to convey: from the looks o’ it, a bunch o’ zombie-faced teens come together to some neon-lit green valley to watch some dude get cucked while reliving the experience o’ being beaten & yelled @ by the same drunken ol’ man with a mean dog & then smashing picture frames on the ground. ¿Is it the ol’ man they both love & hate? ¿Why? ¿Is he the father to all o’ them? I’m not surprised such an abusive asshole would have such trouble keeping his shriveled dick in his pants to now spawn so many children.

I don’t think a song as simple but relatable as this needed to be given this kind o’ bizarre, abstract high concept; scenes o’ a couple yelling & fighting interspersed with footage o’ the band playing probably would’ve sufficed.

Grade: S

4. Home

This song has some strong elements, like the the guitar notes ending with that lingering echoing strum & the interesting way Gontier chances his voice’s emphasis on the verses. Howe’er, coming after the previous song, which was already ’bout a troubled relationship, this 1 feels a bit redundant & weaker. & while you could argue that all these songs are melodramatic, this 1 sounds especially so, with Gontier yelling ’bout his girlfriend turning off the TV & screaming @ him for no reason like it’s a soap opera. A’least the previous song offered a dilemma with the singer’s love/hate relationship; here the singer presents no positives to his girlfriend or living situation & gives no explanation why he doesn’t just leave. He e’en says, “I’m better off alone”. ¿So why not be alone?

Weirdly, Genius claims this song is ’bout “the heartbreaking effects of substance abuse on a relationship”, but I don’t see that: the only substance “abuse” mentioned is the singer getting stoned @ the beginning o’ verse 2, but that’s to deal with his already deteriorating relationship. Forgive me for not taking serious a dramatic song ’bout a relationship falling apart ’cause the singer kept smoking too much weed & ignoring his girlfriend to laugh @ ol’ The Three Stooges reruns. It would be an interesting twist if the singer, who seems to be presented as the sympathetic party here, is the 1 ruining the relationship: that the girlfriend is turning off the TV & yelling @ him to get up & live his life & that his griping ’bout how he’d be better off alone is his selfish hedonism — but that’s quite a leap to make.

The music video, which seems to tell 2 separate stories, 1 o’ which involves a pale-skinned “English-tittie vampire” smashing shit, including a room full o’ clocks & what looks like an owl cage ( ¡Kendrick promised no OVHOES would be harmed! ¡You lied! ), & a different story where the lead singer yells into a red payphone that is for some reason inside the ramshackle apartment in which they’re performing, adds no extra information regarding this song’s meaning.

Grade: B

5. Scared

This song’s an underrated spooky song with its memorable scare riffs with plenty o’ clashing high hats, Gontier singing the verses in a paranoid voice only to rise into a yell in the prechorus, & the muttering quietly in the bridge.

So this song, with its vague lyrics ’bout being “scared & lonely” & how he “wish you never told” him must be ’bout some deep, pathological fear, an existential dread that —

When the band arrived at one of the recording studios for the album, they were told that the place was haunted by the ghost of a little girl. The band initially dismissed the claims, but after strange occurrences during their time at the studio, the band felt more and more unnerved.

– Genius annotation

Or it’s ’bout a superstitious fear o’ the ghost o’ a child. ¿What were these “strange occurrences”, anyway? ¿A stuffed animal floating around with nobody holding it?

Anyway, the song still slaps.

Grade: A

6. Let You Down

This song’s all right. I like the rolling drum & bassline opening & the way it shifts thruout the verses. I also like the way Gontier sings in that quiet quivering voice for the 1st verse, but sings in a louder, almost hysterical way for the 2nd verse.

& lyrically, this might be 1 o’ the best songs on this album, with an actually clever pun on “letting one down” — offering to safely let someone down from somewhere dangerous playing off the opposite idea, being unable to support someone by letting them down, which bumped this song’s grade up a rank. The sarcastic way the singer sings it makes it ambiguous whether or not it’s applying this criticism to someone they trust or society in general or if it’s a self-deprecating criticism o’ their own tendency to let others down.

Grade: A

7. Now or Never

This is where the album starts to dip a bit. This isn’t a bad song: the downtuned guitars & Gontier’s singing — especially on the chorus — still sound good. But this is 1 o’ the less memorable songs, is a bit slow & hokey-sounding, & has the cringiest lyrics, with vacuous philosophizing ’bout “what does it all mean” & “¿why isn’t this word turning around?”. I dunno: ¿why should it turn around? ¿Did Lois Lane get crushed to death & does she need Superman to spin the world back in time to reverse it?

Grade: C

8. Born Like This

This song is e’en less memorable than the previous; tho it’s a bit harder & faster, there are no catchy hooks or any notable singing. & the lyrics are just baffling nonsense, especially the prechorus, proclaiming that “someone’s gun is laughing”. ¿OK? ¿Is this song ’bout school shootings? ¿Is this why the singer says in the bridge, “somewhere you’re floating high / you’re not living, we are”? ¿Is he talking ’bout someone who got shot to death? ¿& how does this relate to the following chorus lyrics?

it’s not what i gave to you
it’s not what i stole
we are born like this

¿Is he saying it’s not the laughing gun that’s the problem, it’s human nature?

Unfortunately, Genius has no annotation for this song, so I’ll probably ne’er know the answer to this mysterious laughing gun.

Grade: C

9. Drown

Good news: we’re back to the top-tier songs. This is 1 o’ the best songs about depression, not due to its lyrics, which are generic drivel ’bout not wanting to be controlled, — tho, to be fair, I would argue that this song’s vague incoherence, babbling ’bout how “it’s hard to fly when you can’t e’en run”, matches how many don’t really have a reason for being depressed or suicidal — but due to the absolutely dour, rainy sound o’ this song, with its sluggish bass notes mixed with soft piercing sirens in the background. The song itself sounds like it’s drowning, especially @ the end where the singer’s quickening whispering mutterings & the music become increasingly muffled.

Grade: S

10. Wake Up

A great drunken apology acoustic emo song — tho not as good as the GOAT o’ such, Blue October’s “Hate Me”. While the music supports the song, the song’s really sold by Gontier’s wavering & off-key singing, which sounds drunk & pathetic.

My 1 quibble with this song is these lines that only stood out to me now, as a much older, mature, & socially-aware adult:

i must be running out of luck
’cause you’re just not drunk enough to fuck

Um, ¿is this singer saying that he can only get sex from the recipient o’ this song ( or can only enjoy it ) when she’s too drunk to give reasoned consent? ¿Is this why she won’t “wake up” & won’t answer your knocking? Whate’er: I’m sure that’s not what the composer implied & I think back then we weren’t so conscious ’bout the iffiness o’ fucking drunk people.

Grade: A

11. Take Me Under

This song’s only problem is that it has a similar theme & sound to “Drown”, — suicidal depression — but isn’t quite as good. Which is not to say it isn’t good: I love those opening matching acoustic & bass notes, then a pause, then louder, rumbling drums & bass while the singer sings, “take me all the way”, in a voice fading as much as the singer seems to want to fade himself. That being said, the very loud chorus & e’en bridge don’t seem to mesh well with the general song’s tone. Contrast “Drown”’s chorus, which was louder than the verses, but didn’t rise to outright shouting.

Grade: B

12. Overrated

Unfortunately, this album ends with the weakest song, with pretentious but vague lyrics ’bout how the youth can’t relate to the system, man, in a voice that’s way too sinisterly cold & dour for such cheesy faux Rage Against the Machine lyrics, followed by shouting how, “¡YOUR SHIT IS OVERRATED!”. ¡Such an edgy radical!

Worse, the music is boring, with basic butt-rock-loud riffs for the opening & chorus. I guess I do kind o’ like the spooky notes under the verses, but e’ery other song on this album does better.

Grade: D

Conclusion

This album still holds up well & I won’t accept anyone who tells me otherwise. The council has made its decree.

Album Grade: A

Bonus

This isn’t part o’ this album @ all, but needs to be seen. The following is Three Days Grace performing a live cover o’ “Lose Yourself” — that’s right: the “Mom’s Spaghetti” Eminem rap song.