Accompanying music

For reasons I can’t comprehend, I’ve been playing Cool Spot quite a lot recently, despite the fact that I have many better games. I think I had this crazy idea o’ trying to speedrun it or something. @ the very least I want to see if I can 100% the game on hard.

Cool Spot was an ol’ platformer released for various systems o’ the time, most notably the SNES & Genesis / MegaDrive, based on a 7-Up mascot I only know ’bout ’cause o’ this game, which only means that it was a successful ad, & a bearded commie like me likes my ads to be good — preferably with a crazy Dr. Wily cosplayer involved. This doesn’t have that, but it does have some nifty level design.

Cool Spot straight goin’ the wrong way after spending all that time looking @ the map. You know he’s cool ’cause he don’t follow any fascist rules.

Cool Spot’s bretheren have been kidnapped by something that is ne’er ’splained — we’ll just say it’s the Coca-Cola Corporation — & you need to reach their cage & shoot the lock off. This has an interesting quirk in that you can sometimes beat a level early by shooting @ the lock through a wall, such as in “Off Da Wall”.

Actually, according to the official manual, they were kidnapped by a loon named Wild Wicked Wily Will ( who presumably does cosplay as Dr. Wily ) who wants to prove to the world & his subreddit that spots do exist. ¿Why? ¿Who knows? Maybe he thinks 7-Up is a Marxist conspiracy. Those li’l bastards are red.

Either way, you ne’er see Wily Willy Woe Wimpleton in the game, so it doesn’t matter.

But that’s not all: in order to release the spot & beat the level you have to collect a certain # o’, um, smaller spots out o’ the 100 total, depending on the difficulty. Easy requires only 30, normal 60, & hard 90. You can also get a bonus level if you get 75, 85, or 95 for the respective difficulties, where you can win continues & a chance to win a 1-up ( @ a total o’ 6 bonus levels ). Finally, if you collect all 100 you’re guaranteed a 1-up @ the end o’ the stage.

The difficulty levels is where the game gets annoying. This is 1 o’ those games wherein if you beat it on easy, the game says you have to beat it on hard. In addition, you have to collect 6 continues represented by “UNCOLA” letters & keep them till the end.

Back then if you did beat it on hard with all the “UNCOLA” letters & sent a picture to 7-Up you’d win some contest. Online all I found were a bunch o’ conflicting stories ’bout what one actually won, but I doubt you’d get anything for doing it now — well, ’less you’re The Completionist. But I’m not, so fuck that shit. I love how e’en 7-Up’s twitter said, “Deserved it!” Damn right they deserved it: Cool Spot on hard’s cheap as fuck; I’m not surprised this guy looks so grizzled & angry. “If I e’er see a wasp ’gain, I will crush it with my bare hands”.

¿What happens if you don’t have a camera? Tough shit: that’s what happens.

Strangely the game ends after this, not e’en giving you the credits. Apparently they acknowledged how boring credits are & decided to only subject losers who couldn’t beat the game the real way to them.

As you rise in difficulty, the # o’ enemies they throw in ramps up; but what makes hard mode so hard is finding all the spots. As I mentioned, you need 90 in every level & 95 in the majority to get all the “UNCOLA” letters ( assuming you don’t end a bonus stage without getting a letter, which is quite easy on the later stages, since these bonuses don’t give much time ).

& this game is dickish ’bout hiding spots. They love hiding them ’hind every piece o’ scenery. E’en after playing the 1st few levels dozens o’ times & checking ’hind every piece o’ scenery, I’ll still oft miss spots. I still haven’t been able to find all the spots in “Toying Around”, & I looked all o’er. That level just has so much scenery clutter that trying to sift through it all is headache inducing. ¿Why do I like this obnoxious game?

While getting all 100 spots in normal levels is challenging, getting them all in the bonus stages is much harder. Like I said, they give you li’l time, & once you run out, your chance is gone. All you get is a 1-up, so it’s not a huge loss. The game gives you plenty o’ lives & caps you @ 9, anyway. But the collectivist part o’ me still hates it. It’s like 101% Donkey Kong 64 while only getting 75% o’ the bananas in each level — it’s wrong.

Time is also strict on harder difficulties to the point that I don’t e’en know how you’d get 95 spots & beat “Toying Around” without losing a life to time-out a’least once.

Interestingly, the bonus stages don’t seem to change in difficulty — not e’en in terms o’ less time or mo’ spike balls.

Despite that, it does have some nifty level design. The levels are open & mazelike, but the game provides arrows on easy & normal if you start going in wrong ways ( which is usually where you want to go if you want to get all the spots ). The themes are also mo’ exotic than in most platformers, with an o’erarching theme o’ being small in a big world: you have a sunny beach full o’ balloons; a pier with rope & fish hooks; an attic with severed wires for ladders & mouse traps as, well traps; a bathtub with rubber duckies & tadpoles for platforms & parade Zeppelins tied to strings hanging high ’bove; & a toy room full o’ all kinds o’ crap: upturned sneakers, stacks o’ quarters, glasses, towers o’ playing cards, fire trucks with upward sloping ladders that can be used to reach higher places, & shoelaces that can be used as ladders. Considering how my entire life was inspired by that fateful coffee can o’ my youth, it shouldn’t be too surprising why I’d love the toy room levels, e’en though they’re the most infuriating in terms o’ hiding things.

I think we can see why I like this game so much: pure nostalgia, nothing mo’.

Cool Spot also has a cool gimmick to how it shows the level themes: rather than going through all the levels o’ a theme @ once per theme, it mirrors through them: it goes through them, has 1 unique pinball level in the middle, & then goes back through them in the opposite direction, so that the beach levels are the 1st & last, the pier levels the 2nd & penultimate, the attic levels the 3rd & 3rd-to-last, & so on. There is a bit o’ a question ’bout the 4th & 4th-to-last level: they both have the same background, but different music, & while the 4th focuses on a bathtub, the 4th-to-last focuses on a train.

A quirk ’bout these level themes is that the difficulty seems to stay similar ’mong levels o’ the same theme, with the exception that “Dock & Roll” is much harder than “Pier Pressure” & matches its place as the penultimate level, “Surf Patrol” becomes ridiculously cheap & hard on the hardest difficulty ( but is 1 o’ the easiest levels on easy & normal ), & “Loco Motive” is actually easier than “Wading Around”, despite coming after it. The 3rd & 3rd-to-last level are similarly easy ( actually, probably both easier than the 2nd level ). Then ’gain the middle level, “Radical Rails”, which is the only level o’ its pinball gimmick, is probably the easiest, with no enemies ( though time is as dangerous as e’er ); but then, I think that was meant as a kind o’ bonus intermission.

As many note, the game has no bosses @ all — not e’en a final boss. This shocked me @ the time & led me to believe that you had to beat the game on hard with the “UNCOLA” letters to get the final boss, only to learn the truth later. I’m not as bummed ’bout it as other people, though, since I ne’er liked bosses, anyway. ¿Doesn’t hard mode have ’nough enemies to fight already?

Cool Spot’s physics are annoying & make the game harder than it should be. There’s no run button: ’stead you have to build momentum by walking, & how off you are significantly affects Cool Spot’s jump length. He also in general feels sluggish. Sometimes the hit detection can be finnicky, too. You have no idea how annoyed I’d get when I’d keep falling off ball platforms in “Toying Around”, forcing me to either lose half a level’s progress or kill myself to return to the nearer checkpoint.

It also has a terrible camera that makes every jump a blind jump. I’d say this is what makes the bonus stages as hard as they are. When you’re falling, since you’re so close to the bottom o’ the screen, you have no time to react to anything so it’s luck whether you hit a bubble or spot you’re aiming for. ’Cause Spot can hit bubbles from below & bounce up, it’s easy to jump up & hit a bubble you weren’t aiming for, throwing you off. In the level proper, ’specially in hard mode where the game loves flying enemies, it’s common for levels to just throw enemies into your face out o’ nowhere. I’d say it’s outright impossible to not get hit in this game without memorizing most o’ the enemy locations.

WARNING: Bullshit ’head.

To be fair, the game is rather generous with lives. I don’t know if it’s ’cause I’ve just practiced ’nough that I’ve gotten better @ the game, but I’m currently halfway through hard mode with the maximum 9 lives, & I died a lot ( sometimes intentionally to avoid going through a bunch o’ stuff ’gain after falling a long way down in “Toying Around” & “Wading Around” ). If you get a lot o’ spots ( which is necessary to get the bonus stage, & thus the “UNCOLA” letters necessary to truly beat the game ) & have a decent ’mount o’ time left on the clock when you beat a level, you’ll get an extra life after every stage. Levels are also full o’ extra lives. Also, I think the developers realized the toy levels are brutal ’cause they filled them with full-heals 7-Up bottles. The downside is that they don’t come back if you die, e’en though the enemies do.

As a note, the 7-up bottles offer an element o’ luck to the easy & normal difficulties: defeated enemies would randomly spawn them, which can either be extremely helpful or redundant depending on when you get them. It’s not too rare for a bottle to spawn just after ’nother or to go through an entire level without any — though I do feel like the game offers them mo’ if you’re low on life. Hard mode doesn’t have these @ all, which means that on most levels which don’t have hard-coded versions ( such as in “Toying Around” ), you have to be extra careful ’bout getting hit. I don’t like this change as it gets rid o’ the strategic benefit o’ killing enemies, making a lot o’ them not worth bothering with ( ’specially since some enemies, like the Pencil Goblins in the toy levels or the Clams in the pier levels take fore’er to die ).

This leads to interesting per-level difficulty changes ’tween the different difficulty modes. Some levels like the wall levels don’t become much harder — just a few easily-dodged spiders. The 1st & 2nd levels, meanwhile, become much harder, since they now have mo’ flying enemies. The 1st & last levels have the greatest difficulty spike, since it now has wasps all o’er the up-high balloon section & getting hit will cause you to drop off a balloon, forcing you to go all the way back up. Some o’ them are hard to dodge & thanks to the camera seem to come from nowhere if you’re not going slowly & carefully or don’t know they’re coming. Normal mode doesn’t have them @ all; the balloon section is perfectly safe. It’s interesting as when I played the game on easy & normal I found the last level, “Surf Patrol”, to be much easier than “Dock & Roll” or the toy levels; but on hard I couldn’t beat it without cheating. I could get up to it with plenty o’ lives, but couldn’t beat it. It’s just full o’ wasps that snipe you from offscreen ( meanwhile, you can’t kill them while they’re offscreen, as they despawn ). The vast majority o’ the spots are up in the balloon area, & it’s just too easy to get hit & fall back down. If you didn’t kill the millions o’ enemies swarming the ground, you’ll likely get hit a few times trying to get back up ’gain. If you did kill them all, you’ll ’ventually lose all your life & die & either have to go through the level spending minutes killing all the enemies ( & likely lose a few hit points from sniped shots from a spontaneous wasp ). It’s infuriating.

I do have to give them that: their difficulty levels are fitting. Easy is stupidly easy, normal is, well, normal, & hard is, well, hard. It offers a nice way to gradually build one’s skills. Unfortunately, the difficulty’s just not well-done: it’s almost all cheap, with the only solution being to memorize where enemies are & take advantage o’ the lives the game throws @ you. There are many times when the game just hits you when there was nothing you could do to prevent it.

Different Versions

The Genesis version is worse than the SNES version that I’m usually used to in every way ’cept for maybe the music. Not only are its graphics much worse, its physics are e’en worse. Jumping & hit detection feels mo’ finnicky, & Spot grabs ladders automatically just by touching them, rather than when you press up or down, which makes it hard to get off the damn things.

The PC / DOS, Amiga, Game Boy, GameGear, & Master System versions are e’en worse. The amiga version comes close to having almost bearable music, only for that music to be constantly interrupted by sound effects. The PC & Amiga versions were so bad that soft-drink 3rd wheeler Dr. Pepper / Snapple Group didn’t want their logo or the word “UNCOLA” in it… ( ’stead you spell out “virgin”, teaching kids that abstinence is way cool ) e’en though it still has their mascot Cool Spot. This also apparently applies to the European versions ’cause they have a different mascot… e’en though the mascot is the 1 thing that stayed in the games. This is why Coke & Pepsi are still beating you guys. Well, that & ’cause you didn’t have hilariously bad cutscenes with hilarious bad acting in your game. ’Cause if Pepsi knows anything it’s that stereotyping your target audience as fat, lazy, idiotic slobs is the best way to get customers.

In short: only play the SNES version & only listen to the music from the SNES & Genesis versions.

Graphics

I have no complaints ’bout the SNES Cool Spots’s graphics. They all-o’er look nice & are full o’ creative detail. I already mentioned how much detail they went into for the scenery. It’s not just that it looks nice but that it also has character to it that makes it look interesting. For the attic level, they didn’t just use realistic wood textures for everything but added wires for climbing, tacs & mouse traps for dangers, mice in pajamas that throw cheese for enemies.

As you can see, the Genesis graphics are worse, which is no surprise, since the Genesis had inferior graphical abilities than the SNES. Not only are the graphics less colorful & detailed, different levels o’ the same theme don’t have different palettes.

Compare the 2 pier levels in the SNES version, the 2nd o’ which has a sunset cast:

The Genesis versions both have baby-blue skies:

I don’t know why, but I always liked seeing the return o’ enemies or levels later on with different palettes, usually in a much harder form. It’s that strange mix o’ familiarity & yet also difference.

Music

Cool Spot’s music is either very catchy or annoying depending on the track. Most oft it’s amazing — ’twas made by Tommy Tallarico, the guy who did the music for the Earthworm Jim games, after all. This is the 1 case wherein the Genesis version sounds good in its own right. It’s not as detailed or smooth as the SNES versions, but the rawer texture o’ its instruments sound good in their own right. ’Cause o’ this, I’ll be linking to both versions so you can listen to them both. I won’t be listing the other versions though, ’cause they’re ass. In fact, if you look on YouTube, all you’ll find are the SNES & Genesis soundtracks ’cause nobody liked the other soundtracks.

Bonus Level / Rave Dancetune

This is the song most people know ’bout & is most people’s favorite. I’d put it in the middle: better than “Shell Shock” & “Pier Pressure”, but worse than “Toying Around” & SNES “Off Da Wall”. I definitely prefer the SNES version, not the least o’ which ’cause it better emulates the sound o’ the song it’s obviously inspired by. The Genesis version also sounds choppier & less energetic.

Shell Shock / Beach Music

This is the most moderately good SNES track. It’s not as annoying as “Radical Rails / Parade Tune” or boring as “Loco Motive / Western Tune”, but it’s @ the bottom o’ the list o’ others. This is where I think the smoothness o’ the SNES version makes it not sound as good as the Genesis version. The Genesis version sounds like it has mo’ contrast & seems to bring out the beach sound o’ the instruments mo’.

Pier Pressure / Jazzy Tune

I think I prefer the SNES version, but it’s not a strong preference. It actually feels like it has mo’ contrast, & its bass & percussions sound much richer.

Off Da Wall / Wall Tune

The SNES version is definitely better. This is a track wherein the SNES’s smoother, deeper sound works better than the Genesis’s simpler, grungier sound.

This is the only track that doesn’t sound like it truly fits its level theme. ¿Does this sound like attic music?

Wading Around / Play da Blues

Like “Shell Shock”, this music sounds better on the Genesis — e’en mo’ than that song. The instruments sound — ’specially the electric guitar & some percussions — too weak on the SNES version. The Genesis version has that bumpiness to it; & I love the echo effect on its electric guitar.

It only loses points ’cause I’m getting sick o’ them using “da” for “the” as some hokey gimmick.

Toying Around / Groovie Tune

See, now this is my favorite song o’ the game, for the best theme, too. I definitely prefer the SNES version, since its smoother, deeper sound gives it the warmth it warrants. It’s where the soft percussions actually work better. The Genesis version still sounds good in its own way, though. ¡That rusty bass!

’Nother difference ’tween the Genesis & SNES versions: the Genesis version plays “Parade Tune” when you beat a level while SNES version has silence while the 2 characters scream for joy. I actually prefer the SNES version’s ’cause “Parade Tune” is bloody obnoxious.

O’erall

Cool Spot has great art, music, & level design ( not counting enemy placement ); but its basic game design — physics, controls, camera, & enemy placement — suck. I’d recommend playing it on normal or easy, but don’t bother with hard: it’s cheap bullshit.

There are a bunch o’ other games, like some crappy board game ripoff for the NES simply called Spot & Spot Goes to Hollywood, but nobody cares ’bout those games; & I didn’t grow up with them, so I certainly don’t. I think someone adapted McKids for the Game Boy & replaced all McDonalds stuff with Cool Spot, but it sucks & you should stick to the NES McKids.

¿Where did Vanity Fair get the silly idea that they had any brain cells to talk ’bout politics. Stick to interviewing brain dead actors, please.

Internet clickbait promotes mental tooth decay[.]

“Duh, ¿what’s a mixed metaphor? I don’t have to think when I write figurative language, ¿do I? ¡But that’s too hard!” That’s right up there with “rectal cancer of the mouth” in sense-making.

If Donald Trump speaks Jerkish, according to retired novelist Philip Roth, Jones’s broadside was written in Snarkish:

If your biggest complaint ’bout a president dangerously ignorant o’ basic science & who inspires rises o’ hate crimes is that he “speaks Jerkish”, you are a pampered dipshit & need to get o’er your fucking self. If your biggest complaint ’bout a blogger is that they spoke “snarkish”… ¡You’re speaking “snarkish”! ¡& stupid!, which is e’en worse.

“That I should live to see the day when Meryl Streep’s speechifying at a Hollywood awards show is admired as solemnly and discussed as fervently as Lincoln’s second inaugural address is a personal nightmare. Lectured by Streep! And about how her and all her Hollywood pals, decked out in everything that costs the earth and sparkles in the spotlight, are among the true victims of Donald Trump’s American authoritarianism!”

Sounds right to me.

Vanity Fair: “¡How dare this… snarkish person be insensitive to the plights o’ the rich & airheaded! ¡Do you have any idea o’ how much I bled to come up with that whipped cream metaphor!”

Streep’s chastising of Trump in her acceptance speech at the Golden Globes was derided as a sniffy display of royal hauteur, as if her ladyship had gotten her blue sash in a twist.

No, ’twas rightfully mocked for being self-indulgent & airheaded. The irony is that it’s the lack o’ pretentious inanity in the critics that’d make them ne’er write something as inane as this sentence.

But here’s the twist: Eileen Jones is no righty coveting a rotation spot in the Fox News greenroom. She teaches film at Berkeley—and you know what it’s like at Berkeley, radical fervor springing from every hair follicle—”

Stereotypes are the best political points to make. “Duh, there’s no right-wingers in Berkeley like there are no liberals in Texas”.

We also have a naive cliché: that leftists making fun o’ airheaded celebrities who exploit anti-rightwing rhetoric for their own shallow interests is rare. It isn’t; we’ve been making fun o’ you for decades.

[A]nd her Streep denunciation was published in Jacobin, which bills itself as “a leading voice of the American left, offering socialist perspectives on politics, economics, and culture.”

They have standards almost as low as Vanity Fair.

Disillusionment with Obama’s presidency, loathing of Hillary Clinton, disgust with “identity politics,” and a craving for a climactic reckoning that will clear the stage for a bold tomorrow have created a kinship between the “alt-right” and an alt-left.

Interesting. Here, let me try:

With their use o’ ad-hominem association attacks gainst political enemies with popularly reviled figures based on superficial similarities, their focus on label-based attacks rather than descriptive analyses, such as “alt-left” or “commie”, & their use o’ pretentious, empty buzzwords to hide the lack o’ substance in their arguments, Vanity Fair has created a kinship with the alt-right.

The “[d]isillusionment with Obama’s presidency” isn’t e’en right. The alt-right wasn’t “disillusioned” with Obama ’cause they ne’er liked him, dipshit. As for the “disgust with ‘identity politics’”, yeah, Jacobin shows it — when it’s appropriated by the alt-right. ’Course, Vanity Fair doesn’t bother to actually give a link showing any evidence that this nebulous “alt-left” hates “identity politics” or offers a definition o’ what that nebulous phrase is s’posed to mean. Presumably he’s accusing Jacobin & the rest o’ the “alt-left” o’ being bigoted — without any evidence to back it up.

Like I said: stick to interviews with rich idiots talking ’bout their fancy dresses. That’s all this ditz has the brain power for.

They’re not kissin’ cousins, but they caterwaul some of the same tunes in different keys.

Read: “They’re not actually allies, but I found some superficial similarities”. E’en he acknowledges he’s a liar.

The alt-right receives the meatiest share of attention in the media, as it should.

Yeah, ’cause what hurt the alt-right so hard was too much attention. That’s why they try to avoid it as much as possible.

I can’t get o’er how li’l political savvy this idiot has.

It’s powerful, vicious, steeped in neo-Nazi ideology, nativist white supremacy, men’s-rights misogyny, and Ayn Rand capitalist übermensch mythos […]

Um, ¿what evidence is there that Hairpiece was particularly popular with Objectivists? Most I’ve read hate that evil socialist ’cause they’re crazy, take any tepid criticism o’ excess neoliberal economics as being “socialist”, & forget that their own god was a crony who profited off politics & used government funds for her cigarette-fed medical bills. ( Shocking how an ideology that praises selfishness & narcissism would lead people to be narcissistic hypocrites who praise their own actions done for purely selfish reasons while attacking others who do the same as “corrupt” ).

The alt-left can’t match that for strength, malignancy, or tentacled reach, but its dude-bros and “purity progressives” exert a powerful reality-distortion field online and foster factionalism on the lib-left.

As opposed to Vanity Fair, which slipped up in that sentence before & pretty much acknowledged that they’re being propagandist liars.

“The alt-left isn’t actually as bad as the alt-right; but some empty terms I made up trick people into thinking… ¿they’re similar?” ¿How are they “distorting” reality? ¿By being bigots? ¿Are they somehow tricking other leftists into being bigots? That’s not necessarily deceitful. It’d be a lot smarter to actually start with the examples, & then give the conclusions, so I don’t assume you’re full o’ shit. But I’m gonna guess you won’t e’er give any arguments.

The closest we get to an argument is “dude-bros”, presumably a reference to “Bernie Bro” pro-Bernie bigots. ¿Why not focus on them? ¿& what evidence is there that Jacobin supports them?

Interestingly, Jacobin, through Matt Bruenig, does provide statistics that show that Bernie had ’bout the same even male-female ratio as Clinton in terms to support. You have no idea how refreshing it is to see actual data & proof, & not just a bunch o’ clunky mixed metaphors & bitching.

Sorry for a second: I have to relocate my place in the Vanity Fair article ’cause it keeps moving me round ’cause their web design, like most big newspapers, is shit. The ratio o’ actual competence vs. perceived competence is leagues low for big newspapers like Vanity Fair or CNN.

He then goes on to list random left-wing & right-wing papers & websites, mentions 1 guy who became a Hairpiece-supporter ( &, ironically, considers himself pro-neoliberal, making him not on Jacobin or Naked Capitalism’s team, since they despise neoliberals worse than pond scum ), & 1 other politician who went on to gladhand Hairpiece in hopes o’ getting a spot in his crony bin. So this vile “alt-left” includes 3 people, 1 o’ which committed the crime o’ calling a celebrity a self-indulgent airhead.

O, sorry, we have 1 mo’:

Cornel West, once an orator at every social-justice convocation who got so uncoiled by his rancorous contempt for Obama and cast adrift into the hazy fringes of the alt-left—see Michael Eric Dyson’s definitive autopsy, “The Ghost of Cornel West,” the New Republic, April 19, 2015—that in 2016 he supported the Green Party candidacy of Jill Stein, that stellar mind.

O, ¿you mean that stellar mind who talked a lot ’bout the problems o’ the US’s electoral system, such as its inane electoral system or lack o’ instant-runoff, which caused Clinton to lose in the 1st place while that genius Clinton talked ’bout Hairpiece’s fucking tax returns? ( But she’s a 3rd party, & therefore dumb, ’cause independent thought is too hipster ). As opposed to that genius, Clinton, who lost what should’ve been a cinch ’cause she couldn’t be bothered to so-much-as visit Wisconsin. That genius.

I should add that Dyson’s “definitive autopsy” is nothing mo’ than a multithousand word pile with li’l actual analysis o’ Obama or West’s politics, but plenty o’ words ’bout West being a hypocrite ’cause he made fun o’ Dyson dicksucking Obama while West dicksucked Prince — when any sane person given the choice ’tween sucking Prince’s dick or Obama’s dick would choose Prince every time. ’Specially now that Prince is a ghost: if you’ve ne’er sucked a ghost’s dick, you’ve ne’er lived.

To be fair, this writer for once provides actual evidence o’ an actual target showing actual political naivity:

It was Jill Stein who said Hillary might be the greater evil in a Trump matchup (“Hil­la­ry has the potential to do a whole lot more damage, get us into more wars”), a sentiment shared by actress Susan Sarandon, who told an interviewer she believed that Clinton was “more dangerous” than Trump because she was more hawkish and better able to ram her agenda through Congress.

On 1 hand, it’s important to remember that during the election itself, Hairpiece did spew some talk ’bout backing ’way from wars, caged in the name o’ antiglobalism, since the only way to get idiot bigots to oppose bombing foreigners is to tell them that that’d mean forcing the soldiers to go near them. Then ’gain, anyone who takes Hairpiece on his word for anything is an idiot, & we’ve seen this when he sent drones to Syria.

In words I suspect Sarandon wishes she could reel back, she discounted the threat level posed by a Trump presidency: “Seriously, I am not worried about a wall being built . . . . He is not going to get rid of every Muslim in this country.”

“As long as we still have a few Muslims left, I won’t have to worry ’bout putting on brown face for the movie version o’ Arabian Nights. The rest o’ those Muslims, though, they’re collateral damage — fuck ’em”.

While Jill Stein is certainly a relevant example, Sarandon’s just some dimwitted celebrity — just like Meryl Streep. Shocking she’s dumb, too.

Let’s have a compromise, Vanity Fair: all actors shut up ’bout politics, whether liberal ditzes, “alt-left” ditzes, or conservative 1980s presidents.

He follows this with some Russian conspiracy theories, which, following the pattern o’ subconscious realization o’ his own idiocy, involves self-referencing cold-war scares without a sense o’ irony.

See, it used to be that left-wingers opposed warmongering, ’cause it doesn’t solve anything. If people like this guy who support warmongering so long as it has the stamp o’ approval by Clinton & the Democrats had any semblance o’ nuanced political savvy ( or didn’t have their fist up the Democrats’ asshole ), they’d remember that the Cold War ended not ’cause Reagan constantly threatened military force gainst Russia but ’cause Reagan was actually rather genial ( while still being outspoken in his opposition to the Soviet Union’s government system ) with Gorbachev, convincing him to moderate the Soviet government. Contrast that with the Soviet Union’s reaction to JFK’s blitheringly stupid actions during the Cuban Missle Crisis: alarmed by the US’s cowboy, “Fuck you all”, they booted Khrushchev, who was relatively moderate, & tightened control o’er the populace. Anyone with a basic understanding o’ human psychology knows that that’s what happens when you act belligerent toward someone else: they’re mo’ likely to act belligerent back. But then, assuming this writer has any knowledge o’ basic psychology is silly, since he doesn’t have any basic knowledge, period.

It ends with the best:

And here is where the alt-right and the alt-left press foreheads for a Vulcan mind-meld: the belief that the real enemy, the true Evil Empire, isn’t Putin’s Russia but the Deep State, the C.I.A./F.B.I./N.S.A. alphabet-soup national-security matrix. But if the Deep State can rid us of the blighted presidency of Donald Trump, all I can say is “Go, State, go.”

It’s ironic for someone who criticizes Hairpiece for being authoritarian to pledge support for a military coop with the lines “Go, State, go”.

I could throw round a bunch o’ labels @ this writer, like “neoliberal stooge” or “rich liberal who cares mo’ ’bout ideological tripe & having their shallow team win o’er the real suffering o’ poor people” ( oops: still couldn’t keep myself from being mo’ descriptive ); but there’s a much mo’ fitting label: this writer is a fucking idiot who doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking ’bout.

Worse, he’s a destructive idiot. His idiocy is destructive to the left-wing. He lumps all critics o’ the Democratic Party, e’en those, like Jacobin, which hasn’t shown a single shred o’ support for the alt-right with those “leftists” who authentically show no concern for women or racial minorities as a pathetic attempt to deflect from the fact that the Democratic Party are fuck-ups. He doesn’t want to admit that Clinton wasn’t sabotaged by an evil conspiracy o’ those vile leftists who don’t show 100% devotion, but that Clinton was authentically a shitty politician. He doesn’t want to admit that Clinton was widely unpopular ’mong leftists, not ’cause many o’ them are secret women-haters, but ’cause Clinton supported truly awful things, like deeply homophobic murderous tyrants in Haiti ( & these fucking Democratic sycophants have the gall to accuse other people o’ not caring ’bout “identity politics”, when Clinton showed a shocking lack o’ concern for the worst o’ attacks gainst a minority group ), supported drone strikes gainst middle easterners ( hard to take leftists seriously when they attack a president for kicking Muslims out o’ a country while praising a politicians who supports mass-murdering them ), & supported economic policies that hurt poor people ( though not as much as Hairpiece, you dumb “Hairpiece leftists” ).

A’least the alt-right is consistent ’nough to stick by something. They despise Muslims, & they live by it. When leftists attack bigotry on 1 hand while supporting bigotry on the other ’cause it’s “convenient” or “practical” ( the Democrats are so practical that they keep losing ), you can’t be surprised when much o’ the populace becomes cynical & stops taking you seriously.

But the alt-right did teach 1 lesson I’d been hammering ’bout for years: compromises can actually hurt just as much as they help, & so can having too low o’ standards. The alt-right succeeded while bashing many other right-wingers for sometimes letting their silly li’l conscience get in the way o’ screwing o’er weaker people. ¿Why can’t this work for the left? ¿Could not the left benefit by cutting off these hypocritical idiots who simply get in the way rather than dragging us all down with them?

After all, it’s not like anybody likes them. “Hollywood liberal” is such a popular taunt ’cause it strikes a nerve with those who otherwise might be open to either side: privileged ditzes who throw platitudes ’bout disadvantaged people, but don’t care ’bout them in any concrete way. ¿Wouldn’t the left look mo’ serious, look like they actually care, if they cut off these exploitive wastes?

Obviously this review is facetious: but I give this review credit for a’least being funny.

The highlights:

You can’t jump in Ocarina of Timeless Piece of Crap. It ruins the game. Why can’t you jump? Is there something wrong with your legs? In UnderTale, not only can you jump and even double jump, you can even triple murder jump. I know Zelda is white, but if you really think white men can’t jump, then you’re racist. Anyway, even if it was true, he’s only a man for half the game. The rest of the time, he’s a kid and I can tell you my two boys can jump, so why not in this game? Plus, he wears a skirt, so you can’t use the excuse that his jeans are too tight and he doesn’t want to tear them.

[…]

I tried to show Cockarina of Time to my five year old, but as soon as he saw the title screen, he flicked his lit cigarette at me, told me to “Eat it, you old fuck,” and screeched away on his motorcycle. I haven’t seen him since. This game destroys families.

I wouldn’t bother reading any o’ the later 1s. I read the Super Mario Bros. 3 1 & it’s clear this person used all their jokes on this review.

Accompanying music

Accompanying music

Porcelain Dreams

As the video shows, the main gimmick is faucet handles attached to thin air ( or thin water ) that raise or lower the water to their level — a blatant ripoff from Super Mario 64.

I’ve actually been working on this level for a while. I’m sure I’ve mentioned it in earlier updates, might’ve shown screenshots, & you would’ve seen the unfinished level if you looked @ the source code or paid attention during level select screens.

The problem I’ve had with this level was that I just felt like ’twas too small, too insignificant. Originally there were no enemies & it took ’bout 15 seconds to beat. You just hit a handle to move the water up so you could jump up some place, go down, get to the end so you can raise the water higher, & then reach the goal. For a while, I did have 2 enemies round where the eels are, but they were awkward spikes that jutted out & in & were impossible to dodge consistency due to their dicey hitboxes. The eels mostly fix that — their hitboxes can be questionable, but they leave a wider gap ’tween their runs through the pipes, so you’ll probably only hit them if you’re rushing & mismeasure them by a few pixels, rather than trying to guess which milliseconds in the spikes’ second-long pattern count as harmful or not.

Actually, I should admit that the video isn’t accurate to the current version o’ the level. If you pay attention you’ll note a subtle graphical glitch: sometimes the eels go past the end o’ pipes, popping back out. I fixed that by lengthening those pipe ends, but after I’d already recorded the video & o’errode the save. It’s probably better this way, since it saves evidence for the original flaw.

The future

I’m currently working on ’nother sewer level with 2 gimmicks: being able to warp to the other side o’ the screen from the sides, like Mario Bros., & constantly-rising water that you need to keep ’head o’ to avoid drowning. I’ve also been trying to draw graphics for a train level that’ll probably be the 2nd-cycle desert level. My planned gimmick for that level would be to make Autumn be able to shoot enemies & to have a bunch o’ enemies shooting @ you, forcing you to hide ’hind crates. Just thinking ’bout all that I’ll need to finish that level, I can already tell that it’ll take a’least a month.

I had the idea to have a space world, but that would require reorganizing the map, so I don’t know. Also, transitioning from sky to space to ice may be awkward. Plus, it may not be that creative an idea.

Download lame source code

We’re going to skip the world intros, since we’ll be jumping round rather erratically & they’re getting ol’.

Bootropolis ( revisited )

Music: “Shy Guy’s Toy Box”, Paper Mario

Probably should’ve done this back when I did the regular exit, but forgot that its “prize” was so inconsequential. You’ll see what I thought it unlocked in the next update.

Something I don’t show in this video: you don’t need to go to the hassle o’ getting the silver P if you already know where the doorway is; it works whether you hit it or not. The silver P just reveals it. Probably should’ve let myself die for a ’scuse to demonstrate that.

The graphics for the attic area are from Garfield & his 9 Lives for the GBA, which was surprisingly a decent game with nice graphics & music, unlock its bretheren Garfield: the Search for Pooky, which is shit — e’en shittier than this hack.

’Course, I can’t talk ’bout this level without mentioning the infamous game-breaking glitch that probably was the prime reason this hack wasn’t accepted into SMW Central 1 o’ the 2 times I tried. I don’t know how it happened, but the top block o’ those move-throughable blocks ’bove that ladder was solid ’stead o’ a ladder, making it impossible to get the golden mushroom, & thus impossible to get this exit & 100% the game. Considering how oft I tested this game, I have no idea how that flaw made it in, but somehow it did.

Though you were expected to use the shell o’ 1 o’ the yellow Koopas, as I show, to hit the turn block so you can get back o’er the wall, you can just throw the key @ it. This was unintentional, but is a nice way to keep players from accidentally screwing themselves o’er by destroying both shells.

• P-Switch level count: 29 / 48
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 14
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 8

Shroom of Streets

Music: “Dark Cave”, Pokémon Gold, Silver, & Crystal

& our message is just a hilarious 4th-wall-breaking joke ’bout everything wrong with these shrooms. Deleting my save file & filling my computer with viruses would’ve been a better reward.

The 50s & 60s ( revisited )

Music: “Hippie Battle”, Earthbound Beginnings

Finally we see where the “60s” part comes in.

While the palette gimmick feels cheap, I feel I did rather cleverly use it by forcing the player to puzzle out where the blue Koopa is. ’Course, as the end o’ the video shows, the player can just fly straight up @ the start & skip mo’ than half the level; & I could empathize, size that 1st part is annoying, ’specially if you fuck up in such embarassing ways as I did. I e’en feel bad ’bout having to raise the P-switch count, since the use o’ both P-switches is actually clever in psychedelic land. Then ’gain, if I didn’t use so many switches in superfluous ways, this wouldn’t be a problem, so I don’t feel bad, ne’ermind.

I read some people complain ’bout the palette in the 2nd area somehow being “godawful torture to the eye” or something. Yeah, making the gimmick o’ a level just a different palette, ’specially 1 as lazy & ugly as “invert all the colors” is, well, lazy. This is from the same person who, when much younger & making awful sprite comics ’stead o’ awful rom hacks, thought “Mario & Luigi with inverted colors” & “Mario in grayscale & 5 times as big” were compelling character designs.

• P-Switch level count: 30 / 48
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 15
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 8

Lab of Secrets

Music: “Revenge of Meta Knight – Halbert”, Kirby Super Star

Those lava sections are completely pointless. Due to the recording setup I have ( using Zsnes movies for recording, believe it or not ) I couldn’t show me turning off layer 3; but if I could, it’d show you that there are no fireballs anywhere nearby — they’re all way up ’bove the screen. The idea was that this was s’posed to be sort o’ a troll, sort o’ what I called @ the time “psychological challenge”, or something. Basically, it’s s’posed to make players worry ’bout cheap hits only to realize that they’re perfectly safe. It’s dumb & wastes time on subsequent attempts.

Which is relevant, ’cause I die all the time in that 2nd section, as shown. I actually expected to die many mo’ times, but I think I found a kind o’ rhythm to it that I didn’t know ’bout before. This was a case wherein I struggled ’tween what I thought was a clever & unused gimmick & my worries that ’twas too cumbersome & hard & not worth keeping. However, looking @ other playthroughs, it didn’t seem as if other players had much trouble with it.

What truly shocked me, though, was the section that came after it, which must be so late in development that I forgot ’bout it. I remember this level having you go through each o’ the previous lab bosses ’tween each room & having trivially easy ice section followed by some buggy sewer room wherein you bounce o’ breaking blocks or something, which is easy to screw yourself out o’ any chance o’ victory, & which I did see other players get annoyed with. Since neither o’ these rooms were any good, nor were any o’ the bosses save for 1, who was not good ’nough to fight ’gain, the replacement was definitely a good idea.

Though I die a lot, I don’t think this section is bad. I’m surprised I hadn’t done such an obvious gimmick as that till then, & it’s certainly 1 o’ the few all right layer-2 parts. It doesn’t o’erstay its welcome a’least. I can’t say my problems with this level were due to anything but my incompetence.

The Thwomp boss is all right — not much o’ a boss, but then none o’ the Super Meat Boy bosses were, either. I just don’t like how Thwomps are used in a 2nd boss. Since I couldn’t get the Custom Boss Sprite @ SMW Central to not make my rom shit its pants in Zsnes & didn’t want to reuse the boring Koopa Kid fights, I didn’t have many tools for making bosses but regular enemies.

• P-Switch level count: 30 / 49
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 15
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 8

& with that we finally enter the true final world o’ the game: the bonus “Warped Void”.