The Mezunian

Die Positivität ist das Opium des Volkes, aber der Spott ist das Opium der Verrückten

Bellis

Dear Luigi,

I know you’ve ne’er heard o’ me before, & that an absolute nobody like me shouldn’t waste your time with irrelevant talk when you still have so much important ghost-catching work to do, but I just wanted to tell you how much o’ a fan o’ you I am & that, whatever anyone else says, you’re still the 1st player in my heart.

I’m probably being presumptuous,—especially since, e’en if everyone else seems to think you’re 2nd to Mario, well, that’s still ‘bove almost all the rest o’ us—but I feel like I sorta feel the same way, but e’en worse. See, I have this “amazing” older sister, Angelita, whom everyone thinks is so great & so shiny & so powerful & has so much experience… I still remember in secondary school this Lakitu who was s’posed to be going out with me, but I later found out only pretended to so he could get closer to my sister, telling me once that she was such a “rare encounter.”

I know I probably shouldn’t be wasting your valuable time whining. I just wanted to let you know, if you cared—not that I think you’re callous or anything; I just mean that I’m not important ‘nough to care ’bout is all—why I look up to you so much, & was wondering if maybe you could sign this copy o’ Luigi’s Mansion for me, please, so I’ll have something to give me a milliliter o’ warmth when I wake up in the morn. & maybe if it’s possible I could e’en meet you sometime—but it’s OK if we can’t; the autograph by itself would be like a thousand 3-up moons.

Thank you for reading my long, pathetic scribblings without burning this into a million ashes.

¡Luigi fan numbah 1!
Bellis

Dear Luigi,

Sorry to be bugging you. I just wasn’t sure if you received my last letter. If so, you can just ignore this 1.

If you didn’t receive my last letter, I just wrote to say how I’m such a fan o’ yours & how I myself have an older sister whom everyone loves mo’ than me & just asked if you could sign a copy o’ Luigi’s Mansion for me (I’ve played it & Dark Moon so much that I’m able to A rank the former on Hidden Mansion PAL in less than 1 hour & 28 minutes & can 3-star & 100% all o’ the latter in ’bout 3 hours ;) ).

You have no idea how uplifting hearing back would be. Thank you so much.

¡Luigi fan numbah 1!
Bellis

Dear Luigi,

I’m sorry. I’m sure you’ve gotten my other letters & are just too busy to read them, as well as all the others I’m sure you get from people far mo’ important. I’m just sending this to be extra sure. Maybe Parakarry lost 2 o’ them.

If you did receive the other 2 & just aren’t responding ’cause I’m being annoying or rude—people say I’m annoying a lot—please just send me a short letter telling me so. It’s so hard for me to stare @ the mailbox every day, perking up when I see Parakarry actually open my mailbox, only to get credit card offers & election ads. If you could just send me 1 letter telling me to screw off or something, a’least I wouldn’t need anything mo’ to expect…

Thank you still, though.

Thanks,
Bellis

Dear Luigi,

Luigi, or anyone else who might be reading this for Luigi (you seem like an important ‘nough guy to warrant a personal assistant–& if not, I’d love to take the offer), I know I’ve been annoying & whiny & just everything bad, but could you please send me any kind o response—anything will do. I know I’ve probably been wasting your time & that I’m a complete stranger & that I truly know nothing ’bout you, but I feel as if I have nothing with which to help me & was hoping that e’en this sliver o’ a similarity ‘tween us would make you able or willing to help me in a way that nobody else is.

I know I probably shouldn’t say this, but I bought a poison mushroom a few weeks ago & have been thinking o’ eating it. ¿I mean, what value do I have? Nobody needs a “2nd player enemy”; & I’m not e’en 2nd place, but all the way in last, e’en under the lowest Goomba. ¿Why waste precious memory when there are so many better sprites that could use it? Especially when, not to whine, but waking up every day with my worthlessness, hated e’en by underrated people like you, has been so unbearable…

I just wanted to ask for your advice on the subject, since you seem like such a wise person on feeling low, since I’ve seen you sometimes feel low compared to your older brother.

Love,
Bellis

Dear Luigi,

You’re right: ’twas stupid o’ me to procrastinate when I know I should just get it o’er with. Thank you for everything.

Goodbye.

Bellis

Dear Bellis,

I’m so very sorry that I didn’t respond till now. I was in a party that would not end because the Wario robot would not stop to use the wristwatch item. I’m sorry also for writing badly: Mario & I still aren’t very good @ English.

I’m always proud to get requests for autographs & am especially happy that you are so much a fan o’ li’l ol’ me. I am also sorry for hearing that you feel inferior than your older sister. If it makes you feel better, maybe someday you’ll win a fake contest & need to save your older sister from ghosts & get your own game! (Just be careful ’bout the ghosts themselves, hee hee).

Thank you for writing & I hope to get ‘nother letter soon.

Your green friend,
Luigi

Posted in Short Stories