The Mezunian

Die Positivität ist das Opium des Volkes, aber der Spott ist das Opium der Verrückten

Problogger Is a Website that Focuses Mo’ on Commercial Factors than Intelligence- or Creativity-Based Factors, o’ which I Am Not Particularly Fond OR Problogger Fucking Blows

I’ve oft risked mental deterioration—e’en mo’ than what has already transpired—while perusing these money-grubbing hacks’ simplistic top-14 lists, but Problogger.net‘s so shitty it almost crashed my browser with its artery-clogging ads—the equivalent o’ having a trash can dumped onto your face. I know they’re the McDonalds o’ writing, but do they have to give my computer a heart attack as badly?

For god’s sake, they actually have a link in the top bar called «Make Money.» One with a smidgen o’ self-awareness would’ve realized that such lofty promises o’ riches are a stock joke.

Which made me realize: these websites are the modern form o’ those after-midnight infomercials. You know the 1s: with their tacky production values & lecherous ol’ men gripping tightly to their books in all-caps like drunken millennials1—«MAKE MONEY WHILE SCRATCHING YOUR ARMPITS.»

The web design certainly fits. Let’s gander @ all o’ the «business website» tropes seen in a million websites already:

1. Ugly bar @ top pestering me to join their newsletter.

Problogger‘s isn’t so bad, however, ’cause it disappears inexplicably after a while—so much so that it took me a while to make it reappear, to the point that I almost thought I only imagined it.

O wait, now I see: it’s s’posed to change, but that other stuff hadn’t loaded yet.

2. Ads to themselves—nobody else wants to waste money on their crap—that stay on-screen no matter how you scroll.

These are like telemarketers who breathe into your ear, «You can’t ‘scape from me darling»; & as hot as that is, rather than making them just stay in the same place using basic CSS, they for some reason added this delayed screeching animation like Wile E. Coyote.

O, & sometimes it doesn’t work, ’cause Problogger‘s scripting just sucks that much.

3. Content that’s inane or obvious.

Not only does this article have a title that screams, «¡We have all o’ the answers!» like a cult, their answer is simply «stuff that people want is what they want most.»

This article gives immensely rare advice, such as «be original,» «use storyboards,» & «understand how money works, dumbshit,» for planning.

4. Their style & diction makes me want to tear my eyeballs out.

Let’s face it.

Faking emphasis.

Through over use o’.

Rare breaches o’.

Proper writing style.

Doesn’t work.

When this rare tatic.

Is overused.

Any questions?

Yeah, ¿do you expect me to answer you through my monitor? Otherwise, ¿why would you be asking me a question?

¡If you have any questions, post a comment!

To be fair, «Let’s get hacking,» is honest.

They also use buzzwords like «effective» that Dilbert’s been making fun o’ since the last few decades.

5. They take ideas from that hack Goins.

This brilliant idea involves manufacturing a «struggle»; make oneself an artificial Cesar Chavez, but ‘stead o’ the goal being to help fruit-picking workers not have to use said fruit as their toilet, make the goal ’bout oneself getting as much money as possible. An honest person would call this «emotional manipulation»: tricking dopes into loving you even though you only love their money. This is, indeed, an effective trick, though 1 that doesn’t need the silly euphemism o’ «fight.»

6. They praise not doing anything as the key to success.

I never understand how this fits with the optimistic tone: success isn’t based on how much work you put in, but that you think & look as some hive mind wants. Where I come from, this is called an Orwellian nightmare. ¡No thanks! Silly ol’ me would rather succeed by working hard & still maintaining a shred o’ individuality, thanks.

7. They created this eldritch nightmare o’ English, the apex o’ cottonswabbery.

Please don’t make me discuss it.


Footnotes:

1 Just ’cause I’m in their age group doesn’t mean I’m 1 o’ them, ¿you hear me?

¿How can you hear me through this article? ¡Stop that wizardry, now!

Posted in Uncategorized, Web Design, Yuppy Tripe