The Mezunian

Die Positivität ist das Opium des Volkes, aber der Spott ist das Opium der Verrückten

SCANDAL: Newspapers Write Articles ’Bout Biden Playing Mario Kart

I thought I’d ’scaped politics till next November, but looking up vital information on Lederhosen Luigi in some new Mario Kart thing I otherwise don’t care ’bout caused me to stumble on this juicy bit o’ conservative news that the liberal lame-pee media won’t tell you:

“Conservatives decry media coverage of Biden playing Mario Kart and his dogs after four years of critical Trump headlines”.

That is from the Washington Examiner, which sounds like it’s a conservative bootleg o’ the Washington Post — which means we have to do the unfathomable & imagine a newspaper with e’en lower standards than the Bezos in the Trap Post. I can’t wait till they sell themselves to eBay.

As the title hints, this article is nothing mo’ than the writer whining vicariously thru “conservatives” ’cause a newspaper wrote a fluff piece, like they always do for non-fascist presidents, ’bout Biden-His-Time, the most generic o’ Presidents, whose greatest achievement as President, in fact, was playing as best Mario character Luigi in Mario Kart. This is in contrast to all the negative coverage they had gainst TV star who stumbled himself into the presidency thru memes & almost sparked an insurrection &, mo’ importantly, ne’er played as Luigi in Mario Kart, Donald Trump. Conservatives, which, those o’ us with memories stronger than goldfish recall, hated Trump when they expected him to blow their chance to beat Clinton till he managed to stumble into a surprise victory, after which conservatives fell o’er themselves to suddenly start sucking his wrinkled balls, can’t fathom that the reason newspapers have such a stark bias gainst a president who sat by while millions o’ US citizens died o’ a disease whose containment they actively tried to sabotage is ’cause there is an authentic inequality in quality ’tween the 2 — which says something dire ’bout their precious beloved, since Biden isn’t e’en B-tier. Only absolute scrubs play as Biden; you wanna play, you better pick Abraham Lincoln — or Luigi, ’course — in Final Destination with no items, or you better get the fuck outta Super American Bros. Melee. But just like how scrubs who can’t figure out how to wavedash want Melee trophies — wait, no they don’t; only nerds still care ’bout that 20-year-ol’ game — conservatives want their participation trophies simply for having a president, e’en tho they constantly criticize other people for s’posedly wanting participatory trophies.

Fun social experiment: show this Tweet to someone outside o’ the US — maybe someone @ Nintendo o’ Japan — & watch them stare @ you in confusion. You people outside the US don’t realize it, but Mario Kart is sacred to our culture.

What’s funniest is that this article contradicts its own main point when it writes:

Melissa Cooke, Politico’s communications director, told the Washington Examiner that the outlet “is committed to vigorously holding the Biden administration to account — to the same standard that we have covered previous administrations.” She added that since Biden’s inauguration, Politico has reported stories about how Biden’s aim to isolate China on coal could blow back on the U.S. and about how Democrats are preparing for heartburn over Biden’s immigration plan.

Politico is, in fact, so determined to compromise & find some kind o’ fake balance ’tween moderate conservative Democrats & fascist Republicans that they manufactured flaws for Biden, like that some vague immigration plan o’ his will magically cause people heartburn, which doesn’t e’en make any sense. The Washington Examiner could’ve bitched ’bout other newspapers & been accurate if they just stuck with the simpler hypothesis that newspaper articles are written by morons with nothing insightful to say. After all, reading that he played this at Camp David indicates that he was there for something to do with the US involvement in the very controversial conflict ’tween Israel & Palestine. Maybe that would be something to discuss & what Biden-His-Time’s doing there. ¡I’m sure it’s playing “Imagine” for everyone & telling everyone “Give peace a chance, guys” & not giving mo’ money to the Israeli military ( money we definitely don’t have for single-payer health insurance or student debt forgiveness ) so the fun war games will ne’er stop! Perhaps Biden & his daughter should’ve played Call of Duty ’stead, to be mo’ fitting. & perhaps this super-serious newspaper should be deeply embarrassed that wacky blog ’bout Italian Plumber video games, poetry that seems like it’s written by a madman, & such savvy political commentary as jokes ’bout zombie Karl Marx & made-up religions like “Magical Socialism” or “laissez-faire economics” saw fit to discuss such a serious topic mo’ than they did. If conservatives want, they can read actually left-wing newspapers like The Nation, who do criticize Biden for, true to his name, biding his time on Israel policies or watch Noam Chomsky, who has apparently transformed into Gandalf the White in the last few years, @ Democracy Now criticize Biden for his jingo-red-meat policies gainst China & Iran, as well as Palestine. Turns out the solution to the “lamestream liberal media” is to read better newspapers.

But for the Washington Examiner, who sees fit mo’ to whine ’bout the “liberal media” that apparently has no problem with feeding racist wars ’tween 2 theocracies that worship the same imaginary god in the middle east like cockfighters & eats up jingo-red-meat for dinner every night for not criticizing Biden for… for what, they don’t say, since they ne’er bring up a real issue @ all ( I’m sure conservatives are staunchly gainst US involvement in these wars or the trade wars with China or their hypocritical dick-waving in front o’ Iran, considering how much their idol Trump… also did that shit ), that would be pot calling kettle black ( & conservatives are ne’er hypocrites, so that would be an impossibility ). You can’t blame newspapers ’cause they, gainst their will, live in a reality racist ’nough gainst conservatives to make the Democrat president not have nearly as exciting failures as the Republican president. Maybe if you guys elect a president who isn’t a complete fuck-up for once & only funds wars, rather than feed wars & do a lot o’ other terrible things, too, you can get your fluff pieces ’bout your president playing Fortnite @ an Afghan graveyard or some shit nobody cares ’bout ’cause only Boomers read newspapers.

This article doesn’t help Trump’s case, anyway:

The media has also overwhelmingly lauded the Bidens for bringing two dogs into the White House after Trump’s tenure saw no pets.

If conservatives can’t fathom the difference in inner integrity ’tween people who have cuddly pets & those who don’t, then they’re just hopeless nihilists.

While a headline from the Washington Post published on Tuesday reads, “Power Up: Scrunchies and dog walking: the country gets a taste of Jill Biden’s radical normalcy.”

It’s almost as if most o’ the country is revolting gainst the brain dead daytime TV show conservatives have been trying to turn the US into thru their assembly line o’ talking bobbleheads spouting moronic extreme rhetoric in desperation for their 5 minutes o’ attention.

The Washington Examiner then talks ’bout how vague “conservatives” — ¡not them, ’course, ’cause they’re unbiased & objective, unlike these other newspapers! ¡Buy a subscription for only $29.99 a month & get a free mug! — have no real problems unlike the islanders who are ’bout to drown thanks to climate change bolstered by the tax cuts given to coal companies passed by inherently repugnant conservatives & spend their time whining ’bout the media’s bias in favor o’ Biden’s wife, an Ed.D who runs a breath-health-awareness nonprofit gainst Melania Trump, a fashion model who dropped out after 1 year o’ college. It’s almost as if people literate ’nough to write for newspapers prefer educated people who do useful things for the world. This is just like all the times the liberal media showed bias in favor o’ immunologists when discussing COVID o’er what Uncle Roger barks ’bout on his Twitter page. The liberal media should feel ashamed o’ themselves for having such racist “standards”, as they call them.

“If this were a shittier president who utterly failed in the time o’ crisis, they would be accurately pointing out their failure ’stead o’ accurately discussing how boring this mo’ boring president is. ¡Damn the liberal media & their belief in individual responsibility! ¡Why can’t they just blame Democrats for bad things Republicans do already!”.

All I can say is that this is a great advertisement for the Washington Examiner. I can’t wait to spend my hard-earned money listening to entitled people whine ’cause mo’ & mo’ people are becoming smart ’nough to not respect them anymo’. This is worth so much mo’ money than the same insipid shit I can get for free on Reddit.

Update:

I happened to stumble ’pon news o’ Biden-His-Time doing something maybe, possibly better than playing as Luigi in Mario Kart:

“Biden responds to report that Trump tested positive for COVID before their debate: ‘I don’t think about the former president’”.

Good idea: maybe we should all stop thinking ’bout former presidents who don’t play as Luigi in Mario Kart.

Posted in Politics