Like Puddle of Mudd, Hinder is 1 o’ those bands you know rookies don’t know ’bout when they call Nickelback the worst post-grunge band e’er. Hinder is Nickelback, but somehow e’en less interesting, as a’least Nickelback sometimes make songs ’bout prom queens dumping their newborn babies in the trash, whereas I’m pretty sure the most out-there song Hinder has e’er wrote is 1 ’bout having hate sex after smoking weed. ¿So why am I covering this band? Well, for 1, the other band I was considering, Buck Cherry, seemed e’en less interesting…

The album we’re reviewing is the only 1 anyone cares ’bout, Extreme Behavior — extreme for boomers, that is. You can see how extreme this album is by the super sexy vanilla woman in heart-red lingerie, which certainly pops 1 o’ my monocles.

1. Get Stoned

If this sounds like a generic hard-rock song, prepare yourself: this was its 1st big single & with its ringing opening, marching verses, & catchy chorus o’, “go home, get stoned”, — that is the extreme behavior this album opens with, doing 1 o’ the least dangerous drugs that e’en my nerdy ass does — which was clearly meant to be relatable to all the white trash couples ( no hate ), this will surely be the least generic o’ this album’s repertoire.

& honestly, it’s a banger, I guess. I’ve thrived thru several years o’ not listening to it, & will probably not go back & listen to it again hereafter, so I wouldn’t exactly call it a fav, but I do have nostalgia for it, a’least — & I do like that growled, “LEEEEET’S”, that opens up the chorus with all its cheese.

Grade: B

Music Video

The music video is just the band singing on stage with them surrounded by sexy women. Yawn. Worse, the band doesn’t e’en have rizz: the lead singer is a twink who looks like he belongs in an emo bad & does awkward movements with his arms as he sings that makes him look like he has some motor dysfunctions.

Grade: D

2. How Long

This song is low-key kinda a banger, too, with its fast-paced chorus, especially the growly way the singer sings, “I can’t see him with you”, as he leads into the chorus. Howe’er, here is where I start to notice the terrible lyricism, especially in the chorus, where we get the double-decker o’, “¿why’d you go & break what’s already broken?” ( if it’s already broken, ¿how could one break it after? ) & “I try to take a breath but I’m already choking” ( trite ).

Worse, this song in general is a childish incel anthem, whining ’bout some woman who’s with someone else & how she tries to friendzone him, to which he replies, maturely, “with 1 finger I said, ‘¡fuck that!’”. Yeah, you sure burned her, bro. You sure triggered that mom from 7th Heaven. This is surely the extreme behavior we were promised by this album’s title.

Grade: C

3. By the Way

( Sigh ) I was hoping we would go longer before we got a lame, whiny ballad. & this particular song offers nothing: it is the most generic o’ hard rock ( that isn’t e’en hard ) songs. I’ve already forgotten the riffs & drumbeats, so let’s talk ’bout the lyrics. We get this great chorus:

& by the way
by the way
¿what made you think you’d have it your way?

Yeah, ho, it’s my way or the highway. Great to see we’re rhyming the same word with itself. This is literally a lamer version o’ the famous chorus from a Backstreet Boys song. I repeat: Hinder is being mogged by the Backstreet Boys. Also, I’d much rather listen to that song. With its bouncy chorus & snappy drums, it’s probably harder, too. ( Tho, ’course, not as hard as this memetic version from the ol’ internet that only the real ones know ).

The rest is no better. The refrain has the singer state plainly that he is having a breakdown. As I mentioned when reviewing Papa Roach’s “Binge”, I love when songs just tell you directly how they feel without any poetry or cleverness. This is nothing compared to Breaking Benjamin’s classic, “WHAT I FOUND IN THIS TOWN / I’M HEADED FOR A BREAKDOWN”. Take notes, Hinder… o’ 2 decades ago, I guess.

Grade: F

4. Nothin’ Good About Goodbye

A song so generic, it literally starts with cowbell — & a basic rhythm on it that’s basically the iconic 1 from Nazareth’s “Hair of the Dog” but slowed down & lower-pitched, to boot. Then we get the annoying, simplistic, thumping chorus, with the 1 exception being the way the singer drops his tone when entering the eponymous line.

The lyrics, on the other hand, are hilariously insipid. The 1st verse ends with the bizarre lines, “but then you called to say / you forgot that broach of your mother’s” ( replacing the mo’ natural possessive “mother’s broach” with the awkward prepositional phrase, “that broach of your mother’s”, to contrive a rhyme ). The 2nd verse matches that with, “but then you called again / to tell me how you’re going to blow my best friend” ( doesn’t sound like such a tight friend to me if he’s cucking you ).

Unfortunately, the rest is just boring & repetitive, with 2 whole section o’ just saying, “fa-faling apart”.

Grade: D

5. Bliss ( I Don’t Wanna Know )

Ugh. Technically, this probably has the singer’s best vocal performance on the chorus, but his best is just D-tier Sick Puppies singer, who is already a C-tier Three Days Grace singer. Meanwhile, the verses, as well as their drumbeats & main riffs, are all so snore-inducingly predictable.

The lyrics are no less predictable, & lack the cheesy humor o’ the previous song’s attempts @ lyrics: as a highlight, the chorus rhymes “kiss” with the totally original phrase, “ignorance is bliss”.

Grade: 😴

6. Better Than Me

I think you can do much better than me…

You’re right, Hinder: I could be listening to much better music than this. ¿What’s wrong with me?

This is a post-grunge ballad, which you know will suck, with its basic-bitch piano notes & strings. We do get a return to the odd lyrical choices o’ “Nothin’ Good About Goodbye”, with the singer singing with the deepest o’ agony, “I really miss your hair in my face / & the way your innocence tastes”. True poetry.

Grade: D

Music Video

I’m honestly surprised a song other than “Get Stoned” & “Lips of an Angel” got a music video. Apparently this album had 5 singles, including “How Long” & the upcoming “Homecoming Queen”. I ne’er heard any other than “Get Stoned” & “Lips of an Angel” on the radio, because nobody likes Hinder ’nough to need 5 singles in their life.

Anyway, this song’s music video radically reinterprets the song from a man sitting in regret in an empty house o’er the relationship he destroyed to a man literally killing himself by doing drugs, which also destroys a relationship. Unsurprisingly, it’s melodramatic, especially the way the man smashes the lightbulb to cook his evil drugs & the weird headscarf the woman wears to his funeral — which is to say that the music video is much mo’ entertaining than the song itself.

Grade: B

7. Room 21

This song is so amazingly trash. We have the goofy-ass Taco-Bell-cowboy fake country twang & the singer trying this sleazy voice, but just sounding goofy — especially the way he o’erannunciates, “this BYIIIITCH blew me away…”. Then we get to the chorus where whate’er cowboy tone we were trying to convey is completely blown ’way by the boy-band “buh buh-buh buh buh…”s. Later on the singer is apparently too chickenshit to say “cock”, so he says, “she said she loved the taste o’ my O, O, O…”, like an elementary school child.

This is what Genius had to say ’bout this song:

It’s that song about a 1 night stand! LOL Yeah Austin, it certainly is!

No comment.

Grade: 🤠

8. Lips of an Angel

¡Nooooo! ¡Not this song again! I already talked ’bout this song in the divorced dad rock album review, where this astonishingly only got an A, tho I think I should’ve bumped that up to an S.

Well, I didn’t really review it in detail, since I was focused more on relevance than quality; but I did say there that this song blows ass, & I stand by that. It’s a cheesy, schmaltzy ballad ’bout a dude talking lovingly to a woman he’s seeing on the side on the phone, with such heartwarming lyrics as, “O, well, my girl’s in the next room / sometimes I wish she was you”, as well as telling this other woman, “it’s hard to be faithful / with the lips of an angel”. Apparently this protagonist has ne’er heard o’ “emotional cheating”: bro, you ain’t be faithful.

Honestly, this drama wouldn’t be a bad concept for a song, but Hinder can’t write for shit & this song wastes its paltry verse lyrics ­— you know, what would be the meat o’ the song — on inane small talk. We don’t e’en know why this dude likes this woman, beyond I guess her voice being sexy. There’s no development o’ the drama o’ his girlfriend finding out or anything. E’en the song title is a waste: you’d hardly imagine a title like “Lips of an Angel” to refer to a side fling, nor is it particularly memorable or clever. It’s easy to get distracted from the main drama by the generic schmaltzy language. Imagine a trite, “I lovey lovey lovey love you, baby…”, & a few times there’s a few brief mentions o’, “O, yeah, so my real girlfriend’s in the room, so…”.

But mostly, this song just sounds like ass, with its twinkly opening frets & the melodramatic way the singer sings, especially on lines like, “sounds so sweeeeeeeet”. This song exploits e’ery cheap ballad trick in the book, & I hate it for that.

Grade: F

Music Video

The music video only makes this scenario look e’en mo’ absurd: the song has his girl in “the next room”, while here she’s in the same room, clearly looking @ him while he bellows into the phone ’bout how much he’s in love with another women.

I also feel like ’twas a bad idea to make his girlfriend a blonde bombshell, as it makes the protagonist look e’en dumber cheating on her for someone else he praises purely in aesthetic qualities — unless the twist is that his girlfriend has a gremlin voice, which would explain the protag’s emphasis on the other girl’s “lips of an angel”.

Also, we get more o’ the lead singer’s awkward arm gestures as he sings. I do like the extra drama o’ his yanking on his hipster tie like it’s a noose during the chorus near the end.

Grade: C

9. Homecoming Queen

Cool, so we’re starting out by ripping off the famous guitar riff from “Sweet Child o’ Mine”. Surely nobody would notice, certainly not the kind o’ boomer hard-rock fan who’d listen to Hinder.

If you could believe me, this is the worst song on the album. We have schmaltzy crooning singing o’er what sounds like music from a cheesy TV show opening. But the absolute worst is the chorus, with the “SHAME, SHAME, SHAME / THAT OUR HOMECOMING QUAAAAAENN”, with the singer intentionally mispronouncing “queen” just to keep the rhyme. Truly a sonic war crime.

The lyrics are clearly trying to be poetic without anyone actually thinking ’bout what they’re talking ’bout, so we get nonsense like, “she’s the holy ghost lost without a trace” & “& she never walked on water…”. Yeah, it’s crazy that some homecoming queen isn’t Jesus: I remember in Revelation they promised he’d return as a homecoming queen.

This song also has this condescending aura o’, “O, this poor girl ruined herself by getting into so much whoredom”, specially with the vomit-inducing lines, “she’s just somebody’s daughter / just looking for somebody to love her”, which seems hypocritical, given how the rest o’ this song treats women. & like all o’ Hinder’s songs, this song is so vague & abstract that I don’t really know what the problem is. For instance, we get the following lines:

but loved partin’ & havin’ too much fun
then she hooked up with the wrong someone
& he promised everything under the sun
& it seems to me
she’s a casualty of all the pressure
that he put on her
& now we’ve lost her for good

But no elaboration on what any o’ that means. ¿Who was this “wrong someone” & what did they do? ¿Were they a pimp who turned her into a prostitute? ¿A drug dealer? ¿What “pressure” did he put on her? ¿& what happened to her to make her “lost for good”? ¿Did she also give birth during prom & throw the baby in a dumpster? This could describe anything from a life-ending tragedy to some dude butthurt that another dude got the girl he wanted.

Grade: F

10. Shoulda

Hinder just keeps making these songs based round phrases that are both cliché & corny as hell: in this case “shoulda, woulda, coulda”, which sounds like what a child would say. But to be fair, this song’s concept isn’t terrible, & this time Hinder does give enough details while still being poetic, with the lines, “if I could go back in time / I’d say those 3 words”, clearly referring to “I love you”. It’s not amazing, but it’s the best lyrics I’ve seen from Hinder so far. Unfortunately, the rest o’ the lyrics are goofy. We follow that up with the bathic, “when you said those 3 words / I kinda freaked out”, as well as mo’ trite & corny rhymes, like, “& this can’t be saved if you can’t be found / you hung up & left me for dead on the ground”.

As for the music… I don’t care ’nough ’bout the music to talk ’bout it. Somebody is certainly playing drums & guitar on this song. I assume there’s bass, too: I think it’s buried in the mix.

Grade: D

Conclusion

& now we see why Hinder has been forgotten while Nickelback still stays firmly lodged in our minds: Hinder isn’t e’en memorably bad, just bland. They had a couple hits which weren’t e’en that good or outright awful & a bunch o’ padding round it. My deepest apologizes for how boring this review was, but if we are to get a clear look @ 2000s metal / hard rock, we must acknowledge the tediously bad as well as the wonderful awful.

Final Grade: D

Encore was an album so bad that people theorize Eminem made it bad on purpose to deliberately sabotage his own career due to becoming so jaded with his rap persona, e’en tho I haven’t seen any quote from Eminem backing this up. ( Mo’ likely ’twas a mix o’ being on drugs; rushing out songs to replace songs that were leaked… because for some reason he couldn’t just release the album with leaked songs, for no reason given; & just wanting to get this album out, & thus lacking the ambitious care that went into his earlier albums when he was trying to make it, now that he had already made it ). After 3 classic albums & only 2 years after what many consider possibly his best song e’er, “Lose Yourself”, his devolution here is striking.

As a kid who didn’t have the most discerning tastes, I didn’t notice quite as much, tho as I went down my older sister’s collection o’ albums in chronological order, I did lose interest round albums 3 & 4. In particular, I mistook the goofiest songs on this album for the usual wackiness he exhibited back on The Slim Shady LP, where he would have songs involving him rapping ’bout raping a fat woman o’er Italian soap opera music & ’nother where he rapped ’bout beating up Foghorn Leghorn with an acorn. Tho those songs were considered the worst on this album, those were actually the ones that stuck with me the most; & since this is a series that revels in fascinating disasters, they will surely be the songs we fixate on the most today.

1. Curtains Up

Like all Eminem albums, this is full o’ kinda pointless skits. This a’least opens the album’s o’erarching story where he walks onstage to cheering crowds with a gun hid ’hind his back ( which you wouldn’t know unless you looked @ the insert o’ the CD ) & continues the theme introduced in its earlier twin, The Eminem Show, o’ the irony o’ people hero-worshipping someone as fucked up as Eminem.

Grade: A

2. Evil Deeds

Eminem: “¿What if I repeated the last phrase o’ each line multiple times to pad out the 1st verse?”.

“& also, ¿what if I randomly interpolated a remix o’ ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’? Also, ¿have I mentioned that my dad was a deadbeat yet?”.

predominantly, predominantly,
everything’s always predominantly
predominantly white, predominantly black
well, ¿what about me?
¿where does that leave me?
well, I guess that I’m between predominantly both of ’em

it turns out Logic is not the 1st “biracial” rapper, after all.

We also get such gems as, “it’s such bullshit, it’s tuch mull bish” — no, I didn’t mistype that last part: he just says a bunch o’ gibberish for no reason — & him interpolating “Ring Around the Rosie” for no reason. What we don’t really get is much o’ the multiple internal rhymes that is kind o’ why people like Eminem so much. This whole song sounds halfassed, from the rambling lyrics, basic chorus, & generic bump-clap beat. Hell, it’s so halfassed that the last verse ends with Eminem talking ’bout passing the baton to 50 Cent, only for the song to end. ¿Did somebody leave 50’s verse out or was Eminem just, like, “¡psyche! ¡fuck you, 50, if you think you’re featuring on my album!”.

Grade: F

3. Never Enough ( feat. 50 Cent & Nate Dogg )

O, here’s 50 Cent.

In contrast to “Evil Deeds”, which was a hilarious trainwreck, this song is just… fine. It’s got a dramatic beat, Em’s typical catchy “miracle spherical lyrical” rapping, & an e’en catchier chorus with Nate Dogg’s smooth voice. Granted, Em’s voice sounds weirdly strained in the chorus, but whate’er. I could put it in the background & enjoy it perfectly fine.

Howe’er, none o’ the lines are memorable for being good, & the lines memorable for being weird aren’t as funny as the kind o’ trainwrecks we’ll see later. Eminem whines ’bout how people don’t respect him ’nough, as he does all too oft, despite being 1 o’ the most respected rappers out there; 50 Cent says some generic gangster shit, with 1 particular line standing out to me: “i go ballistic as hieroglyphic”. Genius tells me it’s a reference to the phrase, “to go up the wall”, & I believe them, since it makes mo’ sense than anything I could theorize; but I was already familiar with the phrase & somehow putting together the riddle o’ “¿what do ballistic & hieroglyphic have in common?” didn’t lead me to that phrase. It doesn’t help that it awkwardly uses an adjective as a simile: would’ve made mo’ sense to say “i go ballistic as hieroglyphs”. Whate’er: I’d take a weird-ass line like that o’er forgettable lines like, “you gon’ say the wrong shit & get your whole face split”.

The other line that stood out to me was in the middle o’ Nate Dogg’s smooth chorus o’ normal, serious lines, where he suddenly bursts out, “no matter how many magazines on my nuts”. I can’t tell if this is bragging ’bout magazines loving them or mentioning Eminem’s long beef with the owner o’ the hiphop magazing The Source, Benzino — yes, Eminem beefed with a magazine owner, & that wasn’t e’en the goofiest beef he was in round the time. All I imagine is somebody holding up a large stack o’ magazines on their cock… which, now that I think ’bout it, would mean having a strong, presumably large cock, so… I guess it actually works great as a brag.

Grade: C

4. Yellow Brick Road

Well, it’s certainly not Breaking Benjamin’s “Home”, that’s for sure.

I’d already heard that this was the song Eminem made to respond to the excavation of ol’ racist raps he made in response to a black girl dumping him. What I didn’t know till I relistened to this song is that he “addresses” it by rambling for 3 verses ’bout irrelevant shit ’bout his past like Grampa Simpson before finally coming up the story o’ the girl who dumped him & being all, “Yeah, it was racist, sorry ( ¡tho some people thought my rapping was so good! )”. I love how he claims he was only dating this black girl to piss off his on-again / off-again girlfriend, Kim, which makes it sound worse: it’s easier to empathize with someone who was racist due to having their mind clouded by emotional pain than someone who was just annoyed their scheme didn’t work.

Also, lol that X Clan was “racist” ’cause ’twas Afrocentric. I don’t e’en know where this idea that white rappers were out in the early 90s: the Beastie Boys still had plenty o’ hits in the early 90s, like “Pass the Mic”, “So What’cha Want”, & “Sure Shot”, toured with respected rap acts like Cypress Hill as early as 1992, & collaborated with respected rappers like Biz Markie & Q-Tip. Em could’ve just learned to play the guitar & drums & became a rock-rapper: problem solved.

Also, this song sounds like ass: I hate the click drums & the weird mouth sounds Eminem makes in the background thruout & the goofy squeaky notes, as well as the country-bumpkin chorus. Tho “Evil Deeds” is, from a critical level, mo’ half-assed, I would actually rather listen to that than this song, which isn’t funny, just boring & annoying.

Grade: F

5. Like Toy Soldiers

I think fans generally like this song. I am not 1 o’ them, howe’er: I ne’er liked Eminem’s super serious songs. I’m sorry, but you can’t go from rapping ’bout wrapping a rope round your penis & jumping from a tree or raping your own mother to making this kind o’ mawkish ballad comparing yourself to a solider ’cause you beat a rap beef with the owner o’ a fucking hiphop magazine or Ja Rule, who is so unimportant people only remember him from losing a beef to Eminem. Famous bitch boy Drake wasn’t this whiny ’bout his beef with Kendrick — & Eminem won this beef.

Also, the lyrics are lame & uninspired, with the 1st 2 lines rhyming “solider” with “never blows his composure” with “i hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders”. Usually when Eminem has wack lyrics they’re a’least memorably goofy, like “that’s an awfully hot coffee pot” or “you bring the buns, i’ll bring the asperger’s”: this song’s mostly shit any rapper could write.

Grade: D

Music Video

The music video adds extra bathos to the melodrama by trying to depict 1 o’ Eminem’s homeys dying in the hospital with all o’ the acting props o’ a 12-year-ol’ school play & plenty o’ poorly-hidden green-screening. My favorite part is when Eminem suddenly tosses a food cart o’er while in the hospital waiting room, presumably with rage, but he has the dullest o’ expressions on his face.

Grade: D

6. Mosh

I think Eminem fans also genuinely like this song, which shows how easy they are to impress, given that there were many, many better antiwar songs by rock bands like System of a Down. The beat & rap meter are so stock, the political commentary is rudimentary, the 1st verse goes into a weird tangent ’bout Eminem’s achievements for some reason, &, worst o’ all, it tries to make this cringe comparison ’tween moshing — a type o’ dancing — & protesting. & it’s not like Eminem couldn’t do good political songs: “White America” is a great mockery o’ the hypocrisy o’ conservatives criticizing him, dripping with the thickest o’ irony. But the problem is that this song is 100% serious & genuine, & I can’t take seriously the idea that The Real Slim Shady is going to lead his listeners into dancing the bad politics ’way. People call stuff like American Idiot or Muse’s weird cyberpunk album or e’en some people consider Rage Against the Machine cringe, but none o’ them e’er made songs ’bout revolutionary dancing. All I can say is, for someone notorious for his very, very naughty homophobic language, Eminem sure made the gayest political song e’er, & it’s not e’en ’bout gay rights. ¿Where was the outrage @ that injustice?

Grade: F

Music Video

Congrats to the 15-year-ol’ Newgrounds animator for their great work on the animated parts. Honestly, I kinda like how weird this music video looks with its tacky blend o’ different animation styles & live action, e’en with the cliché conspiracy theory stuff ’bout Bin Laden being fake or the weirdly irrelevant tangent that isn’t in the song @ all ’bout racist police.

Grade: 🕺

7. Puke

All right, now here’s the kind o’ stuff I want to listen to: a goofy-ass song that starts with the sound o’ puking where Eminem drunkenly wails ’bout his bitch ex, with plenty o’ elongated line-ending syllables & off-key falsetto. I think my favorite line is the 1 where he ends a line early with “instead of a letter that you’d probably just shred up”, & then fills in the remaining space by just going, “yead-dah”. Genius claims he’s saying “yeah”, but that’s complete bullshit: he’s saying, “yead-dah”.

Honestly, tho, some o’ these lines are kinda metal, like the part where he just goes off on his ex, calling her a “fucking cokehead slut” & saying he hopes she goes to hell & that “Satan sticks a needle in your eye”. If only the average post-grunge “my ex is a bitch” song from the likes o’ Theory of a Dead Man or Puddle of Mudd had this much spiteful energy, they’d… well, they’d still suck, but a li’l less. E’en funnier, Eminem follows these hateful lines with, “but please don’t get me wrong, I’m not bitter or mad”. Whether Eminem is in on the joke or not, I don’t care.

E’en the stomp-clap beat with the heavy bass is pretty catchy.

What I’m saying is, I actually kind o’ like this song, tho I’m not sure I could e’en decide on a real critical grade for it, so we get the obvious grade:

Grade: 🤮

8. My 1st Single

This song is a shitpost: the chorus is Eminem basically saying, “lol, I made a shitty song”, while burping in the background while the most horrendous clickity-clack beat plays on endlessly while in the verses Eminem sputters absolutely nonsense — e’en by his standards. ¿E’er wanted to hear the riveting story ’bout Eric waking from swallowing generic-brand sleeping pills to find that he had gay sex with his best friend, Derrick? ¿Who’s Eric & Derrick? Fuck if I know. ¿Want to hear ’bout a fictional sex tape o’ underage Britney Spears & Justin Timberlake while they were Mouseketeers in the Mickey Mouse Club? ¿No? Well, fuck you, that’s what you get. I guess you could say the verses’s lyrics are somewhat imaginative. But there are much better shitposts on this album, already. This is nearer to “Evil Deeds” in terms o’ lack o’ effort.

Grade: F

9. Paul (Skit)

O’ all the skits revolving round Eminem’s manager, Paul Rosenberg, this is 1 o’ the least inspired. Yes, Eminem, you’re really edgy & dangerous for making the same jokes ’bout Michael Jackson that e’eryone else was doing @ the time.

Grade: D

10. Rain Man

Here’s a much better shitpost, especially with the weirdly catchy chorus, “’cause I ain’t got no leeeegs / or no braaaaain / niice to meet you / hiii, my name is… / i forgot my naaaaame”, only to pause after trying to say his new name & to say in a very quiet, monotone voice, “Rain Man”. In this case the song is less ’bout Eminem intentionally making a bad song & mo’ implying that Eminem’s too mentally retarded to make a good song, which, given the effects the drugs were having on his brain @ this point, was probably somewhat true. I find the line, “i just did a whole song & i didn’t say shit” ironic, as he says mo’ in this song than “Evil Deeds” or “My 1st Single”: we get to learn that Eminem was the 1 who killed Superman by putting him next to Darth Vader & we get to learn the complex intricacies o’ what is & is not gay sex on the 2nd verse from him & his friend, Dr. Dre.

Grade: 🌧️👱‍♂️

11. Big Weenie

¡Here we go! ¡The best song on the album! This song is essentially a parody o’ what all diss tracks are: claiming one’s “weenie” is bigger than their opponent, with the ’bout the same essential maturity o’ this song’s chorus:

you’re just jealous of me ’cause you, you just can’t do what i do
so instead of just admitting it you walk around & say
all kinds of really mean things about me
’cause you’re a meanie, a meanie
but it’s only ’cause you’re just really jealous of me
’cause i’m what you want to be, so you just look like an idiot
when you say these mean things, ’cause it’s too easy to see
you’re really just a big weenie, a big weenie

Interspersed ’tween these choruses are absurdist verses wherein the protagonist tries to investigate why the addressee is being so “mean” to the protagonist. This includes putting sunglasses on a frog & asking the addressee what they have in common. The answer to this brilliant riddle is that they’re both “green with envy & look like idiots with sunglasses on ’em”, which ’course made the sunglasses completely irrelevant. Squeezed into this song’s short 3 verses are further gems o’ brilliance: for instance, we get the deep philosophical musing: “¿now why did they make Yoo-hoo?”, only for Eminem to reveal the absurdity o’ such an assumption that there is a why to anything with the following nonsequitor, “pippity-kaka poo-poo”: food exists purely to come back out as feces. Such is the frivolous cycle o’ existence in which we find ourselves trapped. & we can’t forget the profound moral @ the end o’ this song: “that if you say mean things, the weenie will shrink”.

We also get a poetic description o’ just how much bigger Eminem’s weenie is than our unnamed addressee’s: “mine is like sticking a banana between 2 oranges”, somehow rhyming the infamously rhymeless “oranges” with “yours is”, “doing this”, & “pointless”, thanks to Eminem’s weird accent. ( We get similar bizarre rhymes in verse 2 with “booth all day”, “truth, OK”, & “tooth decay” as Em smoothly transitions from bragging ’bout his rapping prowess to pointing out his rap opponents bad dental hygiene ).

People like to portray this song as an attempted ( & failed ) diss track gainst Benzino, but given how self-deprecating this song is, I doubt it. @ the beginning o’ the 2nd verse Em flubs in the middle o’ the 1st line, only to stutter out in the tone o’ someone clearly bullshitting that, “that’s just what you wanted to hear is that i fucked up, ¿ain’t it? that i can’t bust 1 take without looking @ no paper”. & in the middle o’ verse 3 we get the line, “you look like i sound like singing ’bout weenies”.

’Hind this whole song is an absurdly dramatic & repetitive pounding beat & chord. But as a garnish @ the end, after the final chorus Eminem mutters, “fuck off my dick”, followed by some weird monster voice sounding like it’s crying. Truly this is art.

Grade: S

12. Em Calls Paul (Skit)

This is just the previous Paul skit, but from Eminem’s point o’ view, & with the weird voice effect Em uses when he’s playing as “Christopher Reeves”, for some reason.

13. Just Lose It

This song’s mo’ annoying than funny, & is the most dated on this album, revolving round the same jokes ’bout Michael Jackson that e’eryone’s already made by now, as well as some other pop culture references — many o’ which were already dated back then, like the random references to Pee-Wee Herman — & some randomly thrown in potty humor, none o’ which has any connection to any part o’ the song like in Em’s magnum opus “Big Weenie”, for flavor.

I think what’s most absurd & dated ’bout this song, that strangely nobody seems to mention, is in the chorus, where Eminem makes a joke ’bout saying, “yeah, boy, shake that ass — oops, I mean girl”, & then in the music video it shows a li’l boy being replaced by a li’l girl shaking her ass. Only in the early 2000s could someone imply that paedophilia is only bad when gay without becoming a source o’ ridicule.

Also, the juicy synth beats are gross to listen to.

Grade: F

Music Video

If you ignore the terrible music, the music video is actually pretty good. It actually goes into greater depth on the Michael Jackson mockery, making fun o’ him getting his hair set on fire, as well as all the flashy costumes he & other artists like MC Hammer had. I think this would’ve worked better if the references were just left as visuals & the song, I dunno, focused more on the absurdity o’ Eminem’s fame in comparison.

Grade: A

14. Ass Like That

& then we get the tragic tale o’ a racist Indian stereotype possessed by a dog puppet being hassled by the police just ’cause he popped a boner in the movie theater while watching some movie stars he finds attractive, some o’ which are underage. ’Twas brave o’ Eminem to use his platform to speak out on this lesser-known example o’ police brutality gainst minorities. While ridiculously racist, I have to admit the fake Indian sitar music with the deep bass is catchy, as well as the ridiculously childish, “¡da-doing doing doooing!” @ the end o’ each line o’ the chorus.

Genius calls this “what many consider to be a low point in Eminem’s career”, but I refuse to believe this song is worse than “Just Lose It”: “Just Lose It” is a song anyone could make in a few seconds; its jokes are all stock, & it’s somehow e’en mo’ paedophilic. While this song may not be good or well-written or e’en funny, it’s the kind o’ bizarre concept that nobody else could come up with, & I have to give it credit for that.

Grade: Da-Doing Doing Doing

Music Video

You can’t say the music video wasn’t well-made, given the source material, especially with the opening scene where Eminem fights with a dog puppet ’cause it insulted him, that explains how this all happened. I particularly want to highlight the use o’ puppets for when Eminem is possessed by the dog & the goofy way it parodies ass anthems o’ the time with all the women in the background shaking their ass whole Eminem’s in front playing with a slinky.

Grade: A

15. Spend Some Time (feat. Obie Trice, Stat Quo, 50 Cent)

I love how after a string o’ intentionally absurd songs, we get this song that tries to be serious, but is e’en mo’ absurd because o’ that. After some terrible, off-key singing from Em, trying to speak from the heart ’bout heartbreak, only to kill any chances o’ me taking this song seriously with the 1st line, “if there’s any bitches in this room”. His guest features don’t help: Obie Trice starts his verse with the Shakespearean lines, “I never woulda thought that I’d see you outta control / even though my penis was deep down in your hole”. This is immediately followed by Obie Trice being so desperate to find a rhyme with the poetic word, “hoes”, that he mangles the term “soulmates” into the awkward, “mates of soul”.

His verse is then followed with somehow e’en worse singing from Eminem, with his voice twisting highly in a particularly annoying way on the rhymes “mine” & “right”, but this time Em is accompanied by a woman with the most hilariously high-pitched voice in the world, as if this woman sucked a whole balloon o’ helium.

& then, in stark contrast to Em trying too hard to sing, we get Em barely e’en trying to rap, with many lines seeming to not e’en rhyme, which is kinda what he’s s’posed to be good @: the 1st 4 lines end with “before”, “truly are”, “daughters”, & “drawers” — &, no, e’en Em’s weird accent can’t contort those into rhymes.

I love how the 2nd chorus with its tragic singing is interrupted by Stat Quo laughing out, “ha ha, yeah right, bitch / spend some time on my dick”.

& the last verse has 50 Cent being terrible @ flirting with women, with such suave lines as “you have very nice lips”, but somehow getting the woman anyway.

Forget “Ass Like That”, “Big Weenie”, or “Rain Man”: o’ all the songs on this album, that this song exists is the most baffling — which is probably why nobody remembers or talks ’bout it. Eminem is the kind o’ rapper where him singing a serious song ’bout heartbreak is mo’ baffling than him singing a song ’bout jerkin’ it in a movie theater.

Grade: F

16. Mockingbird

This song is just as lazy as the rest, but because it’s ’bout his daughter fans eat it up. Eminem is less rapping than mumbling thruout the song, barely rhyming, — which, again, is kinda what he’s s’posed to be good @ — & the main beat is the most cliché nursery rhyme music. On the plus side, Em’s singing on the chorus is pretty all right, as opposed to the rest o’ this album. The final chorus with the intensity @ the end is high & above the best part o’ the song & the only time Eminem does something serious well on this whole album.

If anything, this song is the biggest wasted potential on this album &, really, the biggest casualty o’ Em’s drug-induced state: as far as I’m concerned, any song worth remembering on this album up to this point is only worth remembering ’cause it’s a drug-induced fever dream; this is the 1st song that would’ve benefited from being made by a sober mind & polished into a real song. Whereas most o’ the other songs are just random bullshit, this song’s lyrics are saying something, but are basically just typed out prose that needed to be revised into an actual song structure. O well. I guess @ the same time you could say this attempt @ serious self-reflection while under the grips o’ drugs is interesting in itself.

Grade: D

Music Video

The decision to use home videos certainly fits this song. Honestly, the footage is mo’ interesting than the song itself. Hope none o’ the people in this footage — if it’s real footage & not staged with actors — are too embarrassed by it now.

Grade: B

17. Crazy in Love

I feel like it’s blasphemy for Eminem to blend the music & chorus from 1 o’ the biggest hits from 1 o’ the greatest women-led rock bands, Heart, with more o’ his mumbling misogynist rants ’bout his bitch ex who he, ne’ertheless, is still in love with. Let’s face it: this is a fucking Theory of a Dead Man song, but rapped — it’s “divorced dad rap”. I don’t want to hear Eminem clumsily compare his toxic relationship with someone else — where he sweetly croons, “you let me beat the shit out of you before you beat the shit out of me” — with… ¿his relationship with Dre? ¿Are they gay lovers? ¿Eminem’s daughter, Alaina’s, relationship with Hailey, her ( nonbiological, yes ) sister? OK, I don’t e’en want to continue with this line o’ thought. People complain ’bout the goofy, dumb songs on this album, which were clearly muddled by the drugs, but I would say those were mo’ harmless & less embarrassing than when Em tries to talk ’bout his serious life problems & it gets muddled by the drugs. It’s like the difference ’tween being round a zany drunk who spews goofy conspiracy theories or just says whacked-out shit & being round a morose drunk who mumbles ’bout some tragedy that befell them in muddled nonsense: the latter isn’t funny; it’s just awkward & depressing. I don’t e’en feel like I should have the right to listen to this song — like I’ve stolen Eminem’s personal diary.

In any case, I’d much rather just listen to “Crazy on You” by just Heart themselves.

Grade: F

18. One Shot 2 Shot

¿Why is the “1” spelled out, but not the “2”? You know, people blame Eminem for being whacked out, ¿but where was the quality control from all the producers round him, who were presumably mo’ sober? ¿You’re telling me Paul Rosenberg complained ’bout outraging Michael Jackson, but didn’t notice this obvious blunder?

Anyway, this song is the riveting story o’ Eminem’s rap group, D12, being caught in the middle o’ a shootout narrated in the least interesting way possible, with repeatedly exclamations o’ the general variety o’, “¡Holy shit! ¡This is crazy!”, mixed with needless details o’ what street so & so is on. We ne’er e’en find out why this shootout happens & it ends anticlimactically on the very last line with Proof just shooting someone in the knee — ¡which wouldn’t e’en be fatal!

The beat on this song, while repetitive & bland, is actually 1 o’ the better 1s on this generally musically sterile album; but the chorus is just annoying & goofy. Eminem sounds like he’s in a Dr. Seuss book the way he childishly counts off the gunshots, as well as with goofy euphemistic lines like, “this is where the fun stops”, which is hurt further by the sing-songy bouncy music. This is like the least gangster song ’bout a shootout e’er.

Grade: D

19. Final Thought (Skit)

A nice climactic build-up. Honestly, the o’erarching story o’ Eminem going on stage with a gun hidden ’hind his back & ending his show by blowing his brains out is the most interesting part o’ this album.

Grade: A

20. Encore / Curtains Down

This is a fun song, & a good swan song to this album & to what we might call an entire era o’ Eminem’s music. It’s hands-down the best unironic song on this album; & yet it’s nowhere near the greatness o’ the surrealist lyricism o’ classics like “Role Model” or the force o’ the bitter sarcasm o’ gems like “Marshall Mathers” — or any song off The Marshall Mathers LP, for that matter. I will almost certainly forget e’ery generic gangster rap line on this song. ¿Wasn’t Eminem liked specifically ’cause he was an alternative from the generic gangster rappers who flooded the 2000s?

Grade: C

Conclusion

This album is a mess, with 1 thing consistent thruout: sloppiness & just throwing shit @ the wall & seeing what sticks. I will go to my grave insisting that the “worst” parts o’ the album — the goofiest — are the best in that they are a’least fascinatingly bad, while the rest is all forgettable & mediocre.

FInal Grade: D