Unlike the average American forced to stand in line for hours like a common animal, I’m lucky ’nough to receive my ballots in the mail, & thus have already voted & can just spend next Tuesday doing my brave American duty: making unfunny jokes ’bout people round the internet babbling ’bout the election & ’ventually making fun o’ Democrats when they fail yet ’gain. But that’s for next week. Accompanying these ballots are these pamphlets full o’ ads for the various politicos running. Normally I ignore these the same way I ignore Coke when they assure me that their product is sweeter than all the others, we pinky swear; but out o’ morbid curiosity I decided to look thru them this time, mainly to laugh @ how inane they are.

The main pamphlet starts not with candidates, but with “advisory votes”. Let me lightly translate the pamphlet’s own description in Mezunese:

Advisory votes are the result of Initiative 960, approved by [idiots] in 2007.

Advisory votes are non-binding. The results will not change the law [& are completely useless].

They always pass anyway, ’cause most people know how inane these votes are. They all follow the general pattern o’, “The legislature increased, without a vote of the people, a tax on ______, costing _____ for government spending”. It is, indeed, strange that these here “representatives” as they call them that we elect to “represent” us go round making decisions without a vote from the people — ’cept the votes they received when they won their role as representative in the 1st place, ’course. Sounds undemocratic to me.

& yet somehow I doubt the people ’hind this initiative would’ve been all that concerned ’bout the legislature making decisions regarding, say, criminal law, without asking the whole population their opinion 1st, e’en tho the consequences there are far greater than idle rich landowners having to pay an extra $2 a month on their $700,000 McMansions, specially since taxes & economic issues are, if anything, mo’ technical &, being so math-intensive, require better integration with other policies to not cause problems. Also note that there are no advisories for cutting taxes, e’en tho that could seriously impact other policies. Children getting bad educations, limiting their earning potentials or e’en their ability to avoid being preyed ’pon by scams, due to cuts in school funding or poor people becoming homeless ’cause their government assistance was cut is far less dire than that extra $2 on idle rich landowners’ taxes. It’s almost as if these advisories aren’t based on any logical or just principles & are just a part o’ a political-economic religion constantly shoved into our faces by a media dominated by rich people who just-so-happen to benefit from said religion.

Anyway, these advisory votes are boring & nugatory, anyway, so we’ll skip them for the meat o’ the candidates. That’s right: get your tierlist sheets ready.

But before we start, I made this drinking game:

Take a drink any time:

• A candidate mentions “common sense”.
• A candidate mentions “strong community”.
• A candidate jerks off parents, & not in a sexy way.
• A candidate talks ’bout crime, gas prices, or their inflation fetish.
• A candidate fails to mention any concrete solutions for solving these 3 problems.
• A candidate complains ’bout “partisanship” or brags ’bout being “bipartisan”.
• A candidate mentions that they have kids & run a small business
• A Republican candidate has no electoral experience, but “runs a small business”, which is what I also like to say when I waste a weekend smoking weed & writing blog posts.

1st we have the only senate race this year, Patty Murray vs. Tiffany Smiley — yes, her last name is truly “Smiley”. Patty Murray has been senator since I was 1 years ol’ & is a boring Democrat, so we won’t talk ’bout her, but ’stead talk ’bout her competitor “Smiley”:

Elected Experience

No prior elected experience, but —

Ah, a good start. OK, I’ll let them finish:

No prior elected experience, but an extensive background building coalitions and working with members from both parties to enact legislation reforming the Veterans Administration and improving veterans’ health care.

Well, that makes up for the lack o’ experience. I totally want my state to use up 1 o’ their only 2 Senate seats on someone who only cares or has experience with veterans’ issues — certainly an important issue, but not worth trading, say, economic expertise.

Other Professional Experience

Triage nurse, full-time caregiver, President and Co-Founder of “Hope Unseen,” veteran’s advocate, mother of three growing boys.

I’m glad that she specified that her sons were growing; otherwise I’d worry that her children had some rare growth disease that probably really does exist & makes me look like an asshole for making a joke ’bout it. I don’t vote for candidates who don’t have children with pristine genes.

But I’m most glad that they listed “traige nurse” 1st. You know, like how they’ll be nursing this government, ¿amirite? ¿Right…?

Education

Whitworth College- Bachelor of Science in Nursing

¿What the fuck is this sad ’scuse for a dash here? It’s just a hyphen & it’s attached to the left side but has a space on the right? ¿Did that college not teach you proper punctuation? They taught me, which is why I go all the way & use the utmost correct punctuation, like always starting my questions with an upside-down question mark.

These credentials are also inconsistent in punctuation: the 1st 2 end in periods, but the 2nd 2 don’t. Contrast that with Patty Murray, who consistently forgets to end her credentials with periods. Murray’s only flaw is her weird decision to write “&” in the ol’ fashioned way, “and”. This is what happens when your government is full of ol’ dinosaurs.

Anyway, let’s get to the picturesque statement:

Tiffany Smiley grew up on a farm in rural Washington and dreamed of becoming a nurse. When she married her high school sweetheart, Scotty Smiley, and achieved her goal of becoming a triage nurse it seemed she’d achieved her version of the American Dream. That dream was shattered in April of 2005 when she was informed that her husband had been blinded by a suicide car bomber in Mosul, Iraq. At 23, Tiffany quit her nursing job and flew to Walter Reed Army Medical Center to be by Scotty’s side.

People have been talking this & that ’bout the risks o’ voter fraud ( this is always & only true when the Englesist Magical Socialist candidate doesn’t win, ’course, which ne’er happens ’cause they’re drunkards the bourgeosie has sabotaged their fate down to their atoms ); ¿but who’s going to investigate the troll who snuck this blurb for a Dean Koontz novel in as a “candidate” for the Washington state senate¹?

At Walter Reed, Tiffany had to stand up to the federal government and fight for Scotty, his dreams and the care he had earned. For Tiffany, her experience with the military bureaucracy highlighted the challenges facing many service members and their families. Tiffany became their voice, going to Capitol Hill and meeting with anyone who would listen to her. She built coalitions with members from both sides of the aisle which ultimately resulted in real reform of the VA to help the catastrophically injured and their caregivers.

This is all very vague. ¿What was the federal government doing to Scotty Smiley that he needed to be fought o’er, as well as his dreams? ¿Was it just half-assed health care? The whole US has that — that’s not a veteran’s thing. You’d think Smiley could “triage” this criticism o’ the shoddy health care her husband received with the shoddy health care Americans all o’er receive in “infamous country with worse health care than vile communist Cuba”, but strangely candidate who prefers a political party that has expressed nothing but indifference toward the US’s health care problems would rather babble on ’bout cliché topics like “spiraling gas prices” ( no mention o’ the spiraling ecological calamity tied to that very same gas — a much bigger cost ) & inflation, 2 complex economic topics this nurse knows nothing ’bout, hence why nurses don’t make the best senators — tho, to be fair, they’re probably better than TV celebrities as presidents:

Drawing on her experiences as a veteran’s advocate, Tiffany will build coalitions and work for policies that improve public safety and protect Washington families, combat spiraling gas prices and the inflation that’s hurting the middle class and address the homeless crisis plaguing our communities. Tiffany will be a strong supporter of our men and women in law enforcement whose sacrifices keep our streets safe and allow Washington communities to thrive.

I didn’t know experience in being a veteran’s advocate was related to “public safety” & “protect[ing] Washington families”, which translates to “will whiteknight & abuse their government influence to shelter from the law lawless police who commit racially-targeted extralegal murder”.

I would also love to know the specifics for how she will “address the homeless crisis plaguing our communities”. I’m sure by the way she uses disease-laden language that it will be with great sympathy toward the homeless & won’t just be forcing them onto buses to California so it’s their problem now.

From a small farm in Eastern Washington to the nation’s capital, Tiffany will be a voice for all of Washington.

No she won’t, ’cause there’s no chance in hell this idiot’s winning.

While I appreciate the effort to write this airport novel blurb, which does stand out a bit from the other candidates, Smiley loses many points for devolving back into the same talking points as the other Republicans, which is made worse by the fact that they’re irrelevant to the original scene.

Tier: C

Next, we have the representitve seat for district 7. The Democrat candidate is Pramila Jayapal. She has not held her seat for as long as Patty Murray, but she’s just as competent, if not moreso, & therefore is boring.

’Stead, we want to talk ’bout the exciting Republican challenger, Cliff Moon — yes, that’s really his fucking name; this is the same state that once had a candidate named “GoodSpaceGuy”, who is apparently notable ’nough to have a Wikipedia article.

Elected Experience:

None

Well, a’least he’s honest & to the point here. ¿Aren’t people without experience s’posed to a’least make a half-assed attempt @ trying to twist their lack o’ experience in some positive way on their résumé?

Other Professional Experience

Consulting Oceanographer, Water Resource Engineer, Corporate President of Moon Construction Company

All vital skills for being a senator.

All right, let’s just get to the statement:

I am running for Congress because someone needs to represent normal, everyday, hardworking Americans. I am a hard worker and have always provided for my family in the greater Seattle area.

¿You know that joke where ol’-ass Steve Buscemi puts on a backward cap & says, “Hello, fellow kids”, & nobody takes him seriously? We need a version where it’s some rich guy dressed in a Levis & a checkered shirt, like Mike Rowe or “Joe the Plumber”, saying, “Hello, fellow working class Americans”.

Which is to say, no, Mr. Moon, you are not a hard worker, you’re a lazy corporate president. You’re not fooling anyone.

I am frustrated with the current situation. Our moral compass has been displaced.

Just retrace your steps to where you last had it or check under the couch cushions. We don’t need to waste a representitve on such a petty task.

Common sense has been exchanged for political correctness.

This guy’s so ol’ he’s posting dank memes like “political correctness”, when the term e’eryone uses now is “woke”. I can’t wait till 2025 when he discovers the term “SJW” & is shocked when all the hipster fascists are using some new inane term for the basic concept o’ “not fascist”.

I am a normal American who thinks families are the foundation of a strong community.

BEEP BOOP. THE REPUBLICANBOT IS FUNCTIONING CORRECTLY. I AM NORMAL AMERICAN WHO LOVES FAMILY & FLAG.

I believe that parents have a right to know what their children are being taught.

¿Why don’t they just ask their children? Maybe it’s their own children who don’t want them to know ’cause it’s embarrassing to be learing cool shit ’bout dinosaurs & evolution & grampa tries to interfere ’cause their favorite fantasy novel — which, let’s be fair, is a literary classic that deserves its renowned; but the genre has evolved since then & grampa needs to expand his reading & start reading Discworld, Earthsea, & N.K. Jemisin — insists that humans came before animals — or afterward: The Bible kinda goes back & forth on the subject. Next thing you know these woke schools will be blaspheming on Lord Shakespeare by trying to teach children that Bohemia is landlocked & doesn’t have a coast & making Othello black & having men dress like women — all the ways modern, “enlightened” liberalism has been destroying western society.

Schools should celebrate real diversity, not Progressive ideology, should encourage critical thinking over indoctrination, and should show how America is a force for good in the world.

The latter 2 are literally contradictory, since nobody with critical thought thinks the US is good @ anything but inventing a billion types o’ butter & winning heart disease competitions. Then ’gain, maybe he means the rest o’ America & that we should just acknowledge the US as an exception. I guess Canada & Brazil did a few good things in their lives.

I am a normal American who thinks [—]

Nothing shows critical thinking like repeating “I am a normal American” like an obedient zombie from the 50s. American brains are so polluted by their fascist flagworshipping that they mix up “independent thought” with “servile nation worshipper that would make Hitler jealous”.

[—] that the price of basic goods is just too high. We have seen the cost of gas, groceries and medications eat away at our incomes.

“Back in my day we got milk for only a quarter & a quarter for only a nickel & we walked 45 hours to school e’eryday in the snow & fought mountain lions with our bare feet…”.

This man has such an “ol’ man shouts @ clouds” vibe that he doesn’t e’en recognize that he’s a living Simpsons meme.

The costs have gone up because the ideologues have decided what you should drive, what you should eat, how you should live.

Give this man a PhD in economics, he’s figured out all the problems. Yes, the shadow spirits in their underground liberally-biased caves are brainwashing us to buy o’erpriced cars simply ’cause they were made in America ( that is, Canada ) when smart people know the cheaper Japanese cars are better. That’s why Mr. Moon always makes sure to wear his tinfoil top hat to protect himself from the brainwaves. When he becomes king congress representative o’ the Christian world he will decree that all must wear the tinfoil top hat & that e’eryone will drive SUVs that will cost a nickel each.

I am a normal American who thinks freedom matters.

But doesn’t quite understand what it actually is.

We should be free to say what we want, free to hold unpopular opinions without fear of losing our jobs or be attacked, [—]

Unless you’re 1 o’ those dirty communists, ’course.

[—] free to choose what we listen to, what we read, and when or where we pray.

Note that nowhere in here does he include the freedom to not pray,

Some want to take away our freedoms in the name of safety and diversity.

“I want to take away your freedoms in the name of a celebrity TV show host president emperor king. ¿Isn’t that much better?”.

I am a normal American who desires to represent people that want to raise their kids, work hard, have money left at the end of every paycheck, and who know they can be friends with people who don’t look like them or pray like them.

You ne’er will, tho, ’cause you’re not an ordinary working American, but a pampered spoiled rich person.

This was a boring advertisement that tried as hard as it could be to be generic & repetitive, which doesn’t fit with his last name, Moon @ all. ¡You’re a disgrace to moons!

Tier: D

Next we have district 8’s representative seat. The Democrat candidate is Kim Schrier, ’nother competent, experienced, & therefore boring candidate. Competing gainst her will by Matt Larkin:

Elected Experience

I’m not a career politician. I’ll bring fresh perspectives and private sector experience when representing the 8th District in Congress.

See, this is the kind o’ bullshit spin I’m talking ’bout. Not only does he present his lack o’ experience as not a problem, he tries to pass it off as an advantage. & since Republicans hate competency, since it drills into their minds the truth o’ their inferiority, it would probably work, too, if Washington State wasn’t super blue & didn’t normally elect boring, sane, ol’-school grifter conservatives like Dave Reichert, who are just interested in tax cuts.

No perspective is fresher in a capitalist theocracy like the US than that o’ a business owner, coincidentally what all the Republican candidates are.

Other Professional Experience

Business Owner of a 3rd Generation Manufacturing Company; Associate Director of Presidential Speechwriting in the White House for a former U.S. President; Veteran Attorney licensed in Washington and Oregon; Criminal Prosecutor in Pierce County

Note that he doesn’t specify for whom he wrote his presidential speeches — probably ’cause, as a Republican, ’twas either Trump or Bush, both notorious wordsmiths, & therefore he was too humble to brag ’bout possibly writing the kind o’ Proustian gold as, “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we”, or the historic, “I WON THIS ELECTION, BY A LOT!”.

Statement

I’m running for Congress because we all deserve a better, safer, Washington to raise our families in. As a father of 4 young children, Christian, business owner, former White House staffer, and prosecutor, I have a uniquely qualified perspective on the problems plaguing our state.

Yes, no perspective is mo’ unique in the US than a white Christian business owner. To be fair, Christianity is, indeed, a fascinating, exotic religion, which worships a god who is both 1 & 3 @ the same time & is his own son, whom they worship in an arcane faux-cannibalistic ritual wherein they feast on the flesh & blood o’ their god’s fallen mortal carcass. But he’s not going to talk ’bout cool shit like this or that Israelite who chopped his murdered wife’s body into 11 pieces & sent them to the other tribes o’ Israel. The only Christian I will e’er vote for will promise to turn the white house into 1 o’ those badass hell houses — e’en if they’re just a lowly state representative. The President must accept the wishes o’ the people ( o’ only 1/50th o’ states ).

My roots run deep in Washington‐‐‐I was born and raised here.

Hold on, shut the fuck up. ¿What the fuck is that dash? ¿3 hyphens? I’ve seen bootleg-ass 2-hyphens masquerading as a sweet, elagant “—”, ¿but 3? Get the fuck out o’ here. That’s blasphemy. You end up in the 8th circle o’ hell for that sin.

My family has lived here for 165 years. We own a 3rd generation, manufacturing company, employing over 600 people, making products in the USA which bring clean water to people globally.

Lemme guess, ¿is it o’erpriced bottled water the US tries to scam on the Latin Americas after their companies polluted their natural waters?

Washington is heading in the wrong direction. Enabling policies and our crisis at the border have led to skyrocketing crime, homelessness, and drug abuse. Our state desperately needs a leader to tackle these issues.

Yes, Washington state’s border with Canada is a major issue. You have no idea how many o’ those Mounties come in, smoking their legal weed ( which is also legal here ), shiving people in the stomach or tying women to train tracks while wearing a twirly moustache & ranting ’bout Dudley Doo-Right.

We need to give parents back their voices in their children’s education.

They already have voices in their children’s education: it’s called their home, where they raise their children. But they’re too lazy to take care o’ their own children, so what they actually want to do is browbeat underpaid teachers into becoming their parents ’stead, so now ’stead o’ teachers teaching historical facts they have to become their children’s preacher & moralizer & now e’eryone else’s children has to suffer.

We need to lower inflation so families can pay bills and fill their gas tanks.

No, the government needs to ban gas ’cause it’s literally destroying the planet & Americans need to get off their fat asses & walk for once so the US doesn’t win the “Most Heart Attacks” award for the 60th year in a row.

We need to ensure free, fair elections and a strong national defense which starts with energy independence.

None o’ these 3 things are relevant. The 1st 2 may be relevant in a sinister “I will support using the national defense to help Trump pull off a coup”. ’Course, he doesn’t go into detail ’bout the specifics o’ what a “free, fair election” looks like, ’cause it’s a dogwhistle for “I’m a loon who refuses to believe that hasbeen TV celebrity who was perennially under 50% approval rating could lose reelection after he made himself so popular letting people die o’ a disease he refused to believe in”.

Together we will reign in federal spending,

To hell we will.

Make Crime Illegal Again,

No, ¡fuck off! Conservatives are so fucking lame with the billions o’ dad jokes they spew ’stead o’ actual coherent ideas. Here, let me try: “We need policies for folks, not wokes. D-d’ya get it. See, ’cause it rhymes. See, it’s folks, & then wokes — I’ll be here all night, guys, ¡don’t worry!”. I can’t wait till conservatives start talking ’bout fucking “wokeswagons” & bringing up that they’re made by Nazis, & therefore le wokes are the real Nazis, not realizing that in German it’s pronounced “vokehsvahgun”, which sounds badass, I want that car right now & I hate cars.

Maybe to solve the energy crisis & ecological catastrophe we should start the slogan “Make Americans Walk Again”.

If you truly want to “make crime illegal again”, then you’ll surely support the Justice Department arresting the ex-president for his many crimes in office, including inciting an insurrection.

( Psst, “make crime illegal again” is just a dogwhistle for “arrest the blacks” ).

I’m a hard worker

’Nother pampered business owner who doesn’t know what real work is.

it’s time to roll up our sleeves and get to work!

How ’bout you actually roll up your sleeves & get a real job like shoveling dirt ’stead o’ trying to use your inherited blood money to buy the government. O, wait, that would take actual effort & skill, & you just want to look cool like a worker, not actually be 1.

Larkin almost got me with the beginning clever way o’ twisting his failures as accomplishments, but then pissed ’way all that goodwill with his bootleg em dashes & dad joke slogan.

Tier: E

Next we have the 9th district representative election ’tween Democrat Adam Smith — not to be confused with the OG Adam Smith father o’ liberal economics — & Republican Doug Basler. Adam Smith is a warmonger who’s on the House Armed Services Committee; but all Americans are war criminals, — or as the hip anarchists say in the burbs, AAAWC, which is pronounced like a crow squawk — so Adam Smith, who can’t squawk like a crow, is still boring. So let’s move on to Doug Basler:

Nobody fucking cares ’bout his lack o’ experience — tho I will bring up, to be fair, that he does claim to have supported homeless people with food as part o’ his church, so he is 1 o’ the few Republicans who doesn’t utterly despise the homeless. Maybe.

Anyway, let’s hurry this up, the election’s coming & my 5 readers who don’t live in Washington State won’t know who to illegally vote 20 times for without my unfunny jokes.

Statement

Career politicians are the biggest problem in government today, promising they’ll fix your problems and then, when elected, they ignore you until they need your vote again.

That’s a terrible way to hold a career, since in order to keep that career you need to keep being elected, which is hard when people get pissed @ you & don’t vote for you after your clever li’l trick.

¿Who is the alternative to a “career politician”? ¿A politician who’s honest ’nough to admit out loud that they don’t give a fuck ’bout being reelected & don’t bother not pissing off their constituents?

The 9th District deserves more than a longtime incumbent and tired promises.

“We deserve mo’ than someone with proven experience. We need some rando we found off the street who has no idea what they’re doing”.

¿What promises has Adam Smith failed to keep? It’s not as if Washington State’s Democrats masquerade as conservatives to trick some imaginary conservative majority to vote for them.

When we lose our voice, we can also lose our opportunity at the American Dream.

I’m starting to think these hopeless Republican joke candidates are here only so they can say they’ve technically had their doggerel poetry published.

We elect representatives to maintain a safe environment for our families and children, to protect our borders, our economy, and our constitutional rights.

Nope. Maybe some Washingtonians do, but not ’nough o’ them that their candidates don’t lose. “We, the privileged minority, keep voting for things that the majority have no interest in ’cause it screws them o’er, & then the majority o’erride us & vote for free gay weed & open borders with Canada so they can sneak in when the fascists inevitably take o’er Washington II. That’s undemocratic. Make Democrats Democratic Again”.

…

You know, to be honest, e’en this Republican candidate’s boring & just spews clichés ’bout “food on the table” & “gas in your car” & “dicks in my ass”. Dicks in my ass are ol’, the new hip, wokeness is “vaginas in my ass”. Get with the times, ol’ man.

Tier: Zzzzz…

The Secretary of State are both boring. Any Washingtonian reading this should vote for 1 o’ them, ’course, but that doesn’t mean we should read their statements.

I don’t e’en know who the fuck Bill Ramos is & I don’t think I e’en got to vote for this position, so I’m not sure why this is in my pamphlet, which is specific to my district. But I’m going to assume by his short blurb ’bout “commonsense solutions” ( ¡god damn it, now the Democrats are making me drink! ), public safety ( ¡hey, that’s a Republican bingo phrase! ), housing, reproductive rights, & the like, that he is boring.

As for Ken Moninski…

As a husband, father of two young girls and a small business owner, I understand the struggles many families face.

Moninski was reportedly sued for plagiarism by e’ery other Republican candidate on the planet.

The petitbourgeoisie seem to have an inflated sense o’ their population #s. There are apparently 30.2 million small businesses, so they are, @ most, ’bout 10-20% o’ the population.

We have watched as our neighborhoods have become less safe, our children have fallen behind in their education, and basic essentials have become more expensive.

When Democrats in Olympia voted to restrict policing, crime increased; when Democrats voted to raise taxes again, families suffered. We need a change. I am running to bring common sense solutions to Olympia that produce real results.

Republicans have a strange conception o’ “common sense”. To me common sense, as well as basic mathematics, is that if you cut the taxes that fund the schools, they will get e’en worse, or a’least not get better. & if not, well, then we shouldn’t care whether or not people lose more or less tax $, since apparently $ isn’t all that useful. It seems arbitrary to assert that schools, & only schools, have the magical property o’ not getting any value out o’ $. Similarly, it’s counterintuitive to think that cutting assistance to the poor, which is paid with tax $, will make it easier for them to get basic essentials.

Anyone who pays attention to the halfway intelligent capitalist economists understand the contradiction: the main conservative policy for driving down inflation, in the conservative Federal Reserve chair’s own words, is driving down spending by making it so that poor people can’t afford to buy things, the very thing this politician is complaining ’bout. This is also the outcome o’ decreasing spending: the only way government spending can logically create inflation is by buying things ( almost certainly for poor people, specially since that’s the spending that conservatives target the most ), so to drive down inflation is, ’gain, to drive down poor spending. I would love to know his magic solution, that doesn’t contradict all conservative economics, for decreasing inflation without decreasing poor spending. Now, I know a way to decrease inflation without decreasing poor spending: redistribute income so that rich people are buying less useless shit without hurting poor people’s ability to buy necessities. But this requires mo’ taxation ( which, by itself, I should add, should logically cut inflation, since it should cut spending by rich people ) & mo’ government spending, so this doesn’t fit in with this politician’s goals.

I should add that I doubt cutting poor spending will decrease inflation, anyway, since by cutting spending, you’re also cutting demand, which drives production, thereby cutting production, as well, which is the main impediment to inflation. The aforementioned conservative Federal Reserve chair & his fellow “serious economists” basically outright admitted that their main goal for driving down inflation is a manufactured recession. Granted, the other major cause for inflation are monopolies, which neither Republicans nor e’en Democrats seem fit to talk ’bout, since the idea o’ markets being competitive — you know, the thing that makes neoliberal distinguish “market” economies from “socialism”, which they merely define as a “government monopoly” — is an alien concept to our economically-incompetent politicians. In fact, breaking up monopolies would probably be the absolute best way to cut inflation, as competition is the main thing that drives prices downward & it wouldn’t dampen demand. But that’s “communist”, which is also “woke”, so a recession it is. That is what the serious people call “capitalist efficiency”: rich people deliberately weakening the economy’s productive capabilities, & their ability to gain profits, just so they can avoid paying probably less than they lose from this productivity loss, just to spite poor people.

Then ’gain, it’s doubtful this mediocre politician has e’en thought 10% o’ these things & just wants to have a ’scuse for cutting taxes & spending so rich people will give him lobby money. I’m embarrassed to just realize that I put mo’ effort & time & detail in that economic analysis I just shit out — which is surely full o’ simplifications & arm-chair theorizing — in a quick joke blog article than this professional politician did for their fucking election blurb. Not only is Moninski not qualified to be representative; he’s not e’en qualified to be published by Penguin Books.

Anyway, Moninski has gotten way mo’ attention from me than he deserves from e’eryone, so let’s move on.

Tier: Zzzzz…

Next we have Lisa Callan vs. Chad Magendaz. Callan talks ’bout keeping neighborhoods safe & helping small businesses & how she doesn’t like partisanship, so she’s basically a sane Republican, which is an exotic way to say “Democrat”, & is a way o’ saying she’s boring. Let’s talk ’bout Chad ’stead:

In an era of hyper-partisan politics, Chad has earned a reputation for building bridges.

Yeah, & he’ll sell it to you if you’re gullible ’nough.

An education champion in Olympia, he doubled school funding while reducing property tax rates for 44% of school districts.

Bullshit. Well, since this person has magically broken the laws o’ math & have increased funding while decreasing spending, surely he’s brimming with excitement to explain his brilliant strategy in detail…

He formed bipartisan coalitions passing landmark legislation on computer science education, innovative schools, electric vehicles, and cybercrime.

¿O? ¿No? ¿We’re just going to talk ’bout irrelevant other shit now? OK. Maybe it’s a trade secret.

The Seattle Times endorsed Chad in all his previous House races, calling him “one of the clearest thinkers in the Legislature” who “brings much-needed moderation and intellectual rigor to Olympia.

Well, they have shit taste, so we can ignore their endorsement.

If this cracker’s so good, ¿why did his ass get unelected in 2017? ¿Where’s his genius math formula to explain that problem?

Hold on, I almost missed this:

Other Professional Experience Computer science teacher (Bellevue SD); Software developer (Microsoft, Nike, Panasonic, etc.); U.S. Navy submarine officer

Nobody should e’er let programmers be politicians, since they’re socially incompetent, specially Microsoft programmers, who aren’t e’en good programmers. He must’ve learned his fudging bullshit #s skill show ’bove from Microsoft.

Ah, ¿but what does the Progressive Voter’s Guide say ’bout him that he modestly forget to mention?

Magendanz was proud of his “A” rating from the National Rifle Association during his last campaign, which raises questions about his willingness to keep our communities safe from gun violence.

A gun nut ( surprisingly, no talk o’ gun control anywhere in this pamphlet, ’cause e’en Republicans know gunhumping isn’t popular in Washington ). Nice try, Chad. It’s time to put down your 1st-person-shooters & get serious.

Tier: 🤓

OK, but fuck this nerd, ’cause we finally have an exciting candidate in Republican Stephanie Peters:

Elected Experience

Renton PCO since 2007. No War-Full Stop.

A PCO is basically just a Republican intern. I have no idea what “No War-Full Stop” is s’posed to be, specially what a “war-full” is. I think this is ’nother bastard em dash. I tried looking it up, but couldn’t find any organization with that name, so I think Peters just got so excited to give her opinion that she just spewed it in her experience section for an early treat.

Other Professional Experience

33 years in resource and finance management, auditing, implementing efficiency measures, turning problems into solutions.

This is the same empty padding that e’ery entry-level manager puts on their résumé to pretend like they’ve accomplished anything or have any skills.

Only that which is measured can be improved.

This sounds like something a dictator from a creepy dystopian work would say. Well, happiness can’t be measured, so I guess it must be expunged.

Government is no different. All the money spent in this state needs audited and any felonious usage recaptured and returned. Accountability in government – no matter who!

BEEP BOOP. I WILL FIND ALL THE OFFICIALS WHO ARE SNEAKING PENS HOME & WILL EXTERMINATE THEM.

Government is different in that it’s government & not business, & therefore requires different skills. For instance, what is “efficient” when it comes to running a laundry business turns into “violations o’ international law” when it comes to, say, military managing.

Statement

You have a right to assurance of election security and integrity, and our elected officials have an obligation to provide verifiable information so you can pursue and obtain that assurance.

So tell me, person who has no experience or expertise when it comes to the complex matters o’ elections, what assurances you provide in terms o’ “security” ( ¿does this include security from harrassment by pollwatchers? ) & “integrity” & what “verification” process elected officials are “obligated” to provide.

WA Voters are expected to “Trust the system,” yet we cannot verify that our voter rolls are clean, that our ballot chain-of-custody is sound, that our tabulation process has integrity, that our routers aren’t vulnerable to exploitation, that our systems aren’t being misused, or that our election management system is secure enough to withstand cyber attacks.

I mean, in a way, this in true, in the same way that postmodernists are right when they say that we don’t truly know anything, that all knowledge is merely an interpretation o’ senses. So I guess we should just give up on all elections, since our election system isn’t 100% verified to be proven mathematically correct thru objective science & this genius intern & bookkeeper can’t seem to provide any example for a “verification process” for our voter rolls that they are “clean” — clean o’ what, I don’t know. Call me radical, but I think that all votes matter, e’en those with cumstains on them. Cumstains on your ballot means you love democracy, so if you’re gainst cumstains on ballots, you’re gainst democracy.

Basically, this is all FUD by & for people who must experience this feeling a lot, since there is much unknown to their uneducated asses. I feel like actually reading a book or 2 & not being a moron is a far better solution to their crippling anxiety & uncertainty in this complex, technological world than trying to run for government.

Stand with me…demand change. Trust, but verify.

I think this last sentence came from some political speech generator.

Tier: 🤪

Next we have Steve Bergquist vs. Jeanette Burrage. Bergquist is an ordinary man in an ordinary flannel shirt & is boring. As for Burrage…

Community Service

Currently: Assisting a disabled man with shopping, bill paying and home maintenance[…]

The most entertainment I will get from this blurb is imagining this candidate thumbing this blurb out while standing in checkout.

Statement

Jeanette believes restoring safety in our communities needs to be a higher priority.

Jeanette is wrong: danger builds character, & as e’ery cartoon rich man will tell you, disruption is the lifeblood o’ dynamic capitalism.

She believes we need to restore respect for the role of parents concerning their children.

This is impossible, not the least o’ which ’cause the average parent is too half-assed to respect the role for themselves, much less will anyone else respect these slobs when they just sit there & let their brat scream & kick people on an 8-hour flight.

The State legislature passed a bill requiring all public school personnel to learn oppression-victim identity principles so they can be taught to students.

That sounds like bootleg Marxism, & I am aghast. ¿How much funding must we give these schools till they can afford to teach the real thing? I won’t have my kids learning anything but authentic, homegrown, GMO-free, American-made Marxism. Accept no substitutes ( ’cept teachers — they’re cool ).

¿Why do I have a feeling that this is something this idiot made up ’cause they’re an idiot & a liar? — such an idiotic liar that they couldn’t e’en come up with halfway convincing fake leftist concept. ¿“Oppression-victim identity principle”? That’s not a sociological concept — that’s a mathematical law.

Our children will be taught that their racial identity will determine their lot in life.

“¡They’re not teaching my kids happy lies & now they won’t end up as delusional as I am!”.

Parents should have a greater choice.

“I believe children are possessions, mere objects & slaves, to their parents & have no rights to an indendent life outside their parents & their parents’ tiny cult communes & should be kept ’hind iron curtains ’way from any alien knowledge like a North Korean citizen”. I love the hypocrisy o’ religious nuts who complain ’bout Marxism, e’en tho none o’ these tools could e’en comprehend a page o’ Das Kapital if their lives depended on it, but are in favor o’ forcing children to be subjected to lame-ass religious communes. Imagine choosing lame-ass religious communes o’er badass worker communes where e’eryone smokes weed & speaks German. Conservatives truly have no culture.

Jeanette Burrage will seek out root causes of problems and work with integrity for long term solutions to keep our district a thriving place to live for everyone.

Well, since the root cause o’ all problems, including heartburn, is capitalism, that means she’s going to o’erthrow it. ¡Radical!

This was mediocre, other than the slight spice o’ the CPR — also known as Capricious Pastry Rhino [ update: “CRT” has become such an empty conservameme that I legit forgot its initials & mixed it up with CPR ] — conspiracymongering, which put it down a tier, ’cause she couldn’t e’en be exotic with her mongering.

Tier: D

All right, next is Claire Wilson vs. Linda Kockmar. Wilson wants you to know that she loves “public safety” ( for white people ) so much that she italicized it & actually provided a realistic # & a specific economic policy she implemented, which many studies say is effective for fueling employment & decreasing poverty, & therefore wrote a better blurb than e’eryone else, & therefor is boring. As for Linda Kochmar…

Do you feel safe? We have vehicles being stolen, rampant shoplifting, drug-addicted homelessness, repeat criminals not being arrested, drive-by shootings, and violence in our schools.

¡Fuck that nerdy shit when we can talk ’bout shootings & crimes &… ¿drug-addicted homelessness? I didn’t know concepts could be addicted to drugs, but apparently Seattle’s love for drugs is so immense that it’s gone to that extent. It’s time to boycott Rockstar if they don’t make a Grand Theft Auto game in a Seattle parody already. I mean it — quit fucking around.

We can’t live this way!

Speak for yourself: I’m doing just fine. After the last mission I accomplished I already got my own car spray lot & finally got those pigs from blocking me from accessing Bainbridge.

Do you feel your current Legislators have let you down?

No — that would require me to have expectations o’ some kind, which is a strange thing to have for government officials.

My opponent voted for many of the failed policies that have brought us to this current chaos.

Um, ¿are you not e’en going to address the study I just linked to? You’ll ne’er win our debate this way.

I’ve fought for public safety, attracting living-wage jobs, and educational opportunities for you.

Unfortunately, you win these kind o’ positives thru the right economic policies, not thru hand-to-hand combat, so none o’ this fighting accomplished anything.

I’ve fought for common sense solutions to the problems affecting our community.

They’re so commonsense, she doesn’t e’en have to list them.

I’ve fought against raising taxes and for government living within its means.

Yes, I’m sure this noble representative’s living in a slum & living off ramen noodle with all that lobby money they make & “government living within its means” doesn’t totally mean “poor people get fucked while I get rich”.

Government must be transparent and accountable to the people.

What she means is “transparently full o’ shit” & “accountable for giving me lots o’ money”.

The hard-working families in the 30th District deserve better than rising inflation and soaring crime.

MezunFact Corp judges this as “Pants on Fire” lie.

When I am elected again to the Legislature, my heart and soul, my experience, and determination will be to represent you!

¿But will her run be pacifist or genocide?

I want to point out that her opponent is also a frail ol’ woman, so the opening screed ’bout Grandma Wilson’s radical antifa drugcrimelordism is specially funny.

Tier: D

Next we have Jamilia E. Taylor vs. Casey Jones. Taylor isn’t a hockey-mask wearing vigilante who hangs out with mutant ninja turtles, so she’s boring. As for Casey Jones…

Elected Experience

Not a career politician. Endorsed by Stand Up Federal Way, Washington Council of Police and Sheriffs, Federal Way Police Officers’ Guild, Federal Way Police Lieutenant Association, Des Moines Police Officers Guild.

Yeah, he’s not 1 o’ those filthy politicians, but a police officer, who solve problems not thru underhanded tactics but thru violence, which is much better. Well, I have good news for you, Casey Jones: once the militia Qanons finally bother to topple o’er the Democrats Jenga tower & set themselves up as Dictators for Life, we won’t have any more o’ these filthy career politicians anymo’ as the police will just run e’erything for us in what we call a “police state”. ¿Now doesn’t that sound nice?

Other Professional Experience

Current police commander. Prior police lieutenant, detective, and officer with assignments as a school resource officer, SWAT member, and bicycle officer.

This guy is jizzing so hard on all things police that he e’en mentions being an officer o’ bicycles. I, too, am sick o’ all these bike gangs, running o’er citizens e’erywhere, not staying on their side o’ the street, & honking loudly.

Almost certainly, you or someone you know has experienced increased levels of crime [—]

This is, in fact, 100% wrong.

[—] such as open-air drug use [—]

That’s only a “crime” if you’re a fucking square.

Radical groups have taken over policy development in Olympia.

¡Awesome!

These same groups have prevented officers from arresting criminals who needed to be arrested.

Clearly they didn’t need to be arrested if they weren’t arrested & the world hasn’t blown up, so you’re clearly being o’erdramatic.

Let’s send a first responder to Olympia to fix this mess.

Let’s send a loudly biased man to steal our tax $ & give them to his buddies in the police.

Tier: 💀

OK, I’m getting tired o’ these clones, so I’m just going to skip ’head to Chris Vance, who has no party preference. Let’s see what exotic stands he takes:

I’m running for the State Senate as a moderate independent because extremism and partisanship is out of control in our political system, too many politicians in both parties have let us down, and voters deserve more choices.

Unfortunately, I only vote for radical independents.

State revenues are up; we don’t need to raise taxes. But schools are still dependent on local levies. Our school funding system is unstable and unfair. Crime rates are increasing while police, prosecutors, jails and courts are underfunded. And there are major gaps in our transportation system.

Remember, this is an “indepedent”, which means, “liar”, which means, “Republican”.

Not only was this as lame as almost all the other blurbs, ’twas a dishonest bait-&-switch. & I can’t abide by a dishonest politician.

Tier: E

OK, here’s an interesting 1: Karen Keiser vs. Marliza Melzer. Keiser has been a state senator for 26 years & is competent & boring. ¿But what ’bout Melzer?

Our current career politicians have no problems lying, destroying our economy, taxing us out of our homes and vehicles, supporting pro-crime policies, and policies that sexually groom our young children while at the same time labeling concerned parents as domestic terrorists [emphasis mine].

To paraphrase the wise Kurt Cobain: if you think teaching kids sex ed is “grooming”, you are a closet paedophile.

Tier: 😬

After a bunch o’ unopposed candidates, who we don’t need to discuss, we have Democrat Sharon Tomiko Santos vs. Republican John Dickinson. Sharon Tomiko Santos has been state representative since 1998 & is competent & boring. As for John Dickinson…

Take big steps to legalize cannabis; restore Comet Lodge graveyard; develop the LoWay on ADA compliant Chief Si’ahl trail as passed by City and community in 08231999, for less advantaged. Big steps for only one term as term limits for elected officials are needed.

¿Who would vote no to restoring graveyards & mountain trails thru cities?

Unfortunately, Dickinson got so high he missed out on the fact that cannabis has already been legalized in Washington State. Also, 1-term limits is 1 o’ those ideas that sound cool to edgelords who hate government but is laughably disastrous.

Pro life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness driven by a trust in truth, justice, and reconciliation without the current Animal Farm Speak that destroys our representative government, guides this campaign to fix our woke, broke, and a joke of an education system while giving six thousand dollar credits to each household.

& then he loses me. I love how he complains ’bout “Animal Farm Speak”, but then spews literal government propaganda from the Declaration of Independence ( much as halfhearted atheists think Jesus, who wants to destroy the world in a cataclysmic holocaust o’ literal hellfire, was Way Cool™, faux-libertarians think George Washington, slaveholder, was Way Cool™ ). I’m sure George Orwell, who hated empty phrases that get repeated ad nauseum by people o’ the same party would have loved the word “woke”, specially when used as a ’scuse to plunder school funds for regressive economic policies that sound cool if you’ve ne’er read an economics book in your life but thought Milton Friedman was Way Cool™ ’cause he liked, like, freedom, man, & hated that Federal Reserve he heavily inspired.

Tier: 🎄

Next we have Tana Senn vs. Mike Nykreim. Democrat Tana Senn spends ¼th o’ her tiny blurb talking ’bout her brats nobody wants to hear ’bout & is competent & boring. Mike Nykreim o’ the Election Integrity Party doesn’t wait till you’re done reading their party affiliation to let you know that they’re a lunatic.

Other Professional Experience

Just “Bing” my name, plenty there on the web. Just please take the time to read our statement below.

Perfect proof that this is a mad man is that they think anyone uses Bing anymore or that anyone talks ’bout “binging” people in these here burbs we’re rocking. I’d Yahoo somebody before I Bing someone — fuck, I’d Dogpile someone before I Bing someone. Nobody’s binging anyone round here.

Also, I don’t feel like quoting the whole thing, but he lists his marriage as “community service”. I’m not sure if that’s his alien understanding o’ being “cute” or a hackneyed “marriage, ¿whattayagonnadoboutit?” Honeymooners granddad joke.

You have a right to assurance of election security and integrity, and our elected officials have an obligation to provide verifiable information so you can pursue and obtain that assurance. Washington voters are expected to “Trust” the system, yet we cannot verify that our voter rolls are clean, that our ballot chain-of-custody is sound, that our tabulation process has integrity, that our routers aren’t vulnerable to exploitation, that our systems aren’t being misused, or that our election management system is secure enough to withstand cyber attacks.

Stand with us….. demand change. Trust, but verify!

Wait a fucking minute… ¿Am I feeling déjà vu?

Stephanie Peters:

WA Voters are expected to “Trust the system,” yet we cannot verify that our voter rolls are clean, that our ballot chain-of-custody is sound, that our tabulation process has integrity, that our routers aren’t vulnerable to exploitation, that our systems aren’t being misused, or that our election management system is secure enough to withstand cyber attacks.

Stand with me…demand change. Trust, but verify.

He e’en copypasted the slogan “Trust, but verify” & used scarequotes round “trusting” the system like some boomer who listens to Rage Against the Machine & doesn’t understand their politics. I guess he did add 3 periods to his elipses.

That confirms it: these are Twitterbots set up by Trump to troll the Washington State election. I don’t see any checkmark anywhere on this pamphlet.

Tier: 🤖

That’s all I care ’bout writing ’bout now. I’d make a funny tier list graphic with the candidates’ goofy faces, but most o’ the tiers I used aren’t e’en real tiers & I have 1 hour to post this before antifa shoots me & burns my house down & inflates my prices.

Ah, fuck it, it’s November. You deserve a treat:

While Super Mario Bros. is certainly respected, its oft respected mo’ as a historical artifact than a game that’s still enjoyable to play — which is too bad, as I think the game is still excellent, much better than any o’ the New Super Mario Bros. games, despite all the technological advancements they have. Unfortunately, with this comes a major underestimation o’ Super Mario Bros.’s level design, which while not the best in the entire genre, was definitely the best o’ its time, by a large factor. Tho this game lacked all the sexy gimmicks Super Mario Bros. 3 had & oft had to resort to copypasta just to fit e’erything in such a tiny cartridge, Super Mario Bros. made up for this with strikingly subtle complexity & variety in its layouts & set the groundwork for what games like Super Mario Bros. 3 & the Donkey Kong Country trilogy would be able to do.

In some ways, Super Mario Bros. was actually better than later 2-D Mario games, e’en Super Mario Bros. 3: it was much mo’ consistent in allowing players to play thru levels @ their own pace, rarely forcing them to slow down, in contrast to some o’ the slogging autoscrollers Super Mario Bros. 3 subjected its players to. As much as the castle levels in Super Mario Bros. were weaker than its main levels, they were much better than the borefests that were Super Mario Bros. 3’s airship levels, which were remarkably e’en mo’ repetitive, e’en tho that game didn’t resort to any exact copypasta.

Super Mario Bros. managed to find the perfect balance ’tween the short, fast-paced, challenge-oriented arcade games o’ the past & those longer, slower, mo’ puzzle-oriented console games that it kickstarted. Its levels being fast-paced didn’t stop them from being full o’ secrets that offered mo’ patient players a reason to stop & explore, as well as a reason to go back & play thru the game mo’ than once — something very important in a medium like console gaming wherein people paid much higher prices to permanently own the game, rather than pay a quarter to rent it for a few minutes.

As an extra note, while they won’t affect relative rankings, I’ll be taking the time to critique the red-coin & Yoshi Egg locations in the Game Boy Color remake, Super Mario Bros. Deluxe.

32. World 4-4

Not including the 1 water level the player has to play twice, castles are, generally, the weakest levels in the game. Despite their threatening appearance, they’re usually not the hardest levels, either, as the firebars move consistently like clockwork, Bowser’s flames are so slow you can easily react to them, & Podoboos you can usually just wait for them to get out o’ your way. Breather levels are fine & all, but having the castle levels that end each world be breather levels feels counterintuitive & seems to just sap the drama from what should be thrilling, grand challenges.

But moreo’er, they just show a lack o’ creativity relative to normal levels, with a striking lack o’ variety: get used to those aforementioned firebars, Podoboos, & Bowser flames, ’cause they’re the bulk o’ e’ery castle ’cept 8-4. Added to this is an e’en mo’ striking plethora o’ copy-pasted elements, specially the holes @ the end o’ e’ery castle level ( ’cept, ’gain, 8-4 ), which are all the same even level with each other — presumably so they could compress their data & save memory. ’Gain, tho, it seems weird that the developers would choose castle levels, which should be some o’ the most important levels, to skimp on, & not, say, the 3rd level in each world, which tend to be some o’ the strongest levels.

Perhaps the weakest part o’ the castle levels is that they don’t have the best elements o’ Super Mario Bros. levels: the hidden secrets & bonuses. They’re just straightforward challenges. This isn’t by itself a crime: Super Mario 64, which has an e’en greater focus on exploring for secrets, does something similar with its Bowser stages, & those stages are great. But those stages are actually mo’ challenging than regular levels, unlike Super Mario Bros.’s relatively easy castle levels, & they have actual variety & creativity.

Add to this the fact that these levels are far less colorful, being mostly black & gray, with only the red fire & lava to spice things up a li’l. Tho the All-Stars versions have cool, giant paintings o’ Bowser ( repeated multiple times, ’cause Bowser’s just that much o’ a narcissist ) in the background, e’en they keep a monotonous dusty gray all o’er the foreground & background. In fact, since they lack the blackdrop, they’re e’en grayer.

4-4 is a particularly empty castle level for halfway thru the game, @ the end o’ the same world that introduced the notorious Lakitu & started 4-2 with its somewhat-less-infamous tricky opening. This level clearly banked on its introduction o’ the maze gimmick, which was, indeed, probably confusing for 1st-time players, specially on the original NES version, which gave no audible indication that players had gone the wrong direction, nor any indication @ all that going in any particular direction determined the player looping thru the same setpieces — tho the way the level breaks into conspicuous branching paths, which is rare in a game whose levels mainly go left to right, probably acted as a major clue. Then ’gain, considering how much previous castle levels borrowed from other castles, it wouldn’t surprise me if it took players a few runs thru to realize something stinky going on.

What the maze gimmick isn’t is fun or interesting, since it’s just trial-&-error whittling down the answers, & it’s not any funner or mo’ interesting when you already know the path to go down, as it makes most o’ the level mo’ frivolous than the very 1st level. They don’t e’en make the hardest paths the right paths, which would’ve been an intuitive clue. I guess I do kind o’ like the way you have to go back a bit & zigzag downward for the 2nd maze & I also kinda like the weird block formation before this.

Legit the most challenging part o’ this level is the ending bridge, where they put a firebar & a Podobo, tho it’s certainly not the most interesting arrangement, lacking a ceiling or elevator. E’en the sequence o’ pits before the bridge is the lamest o’ all castles: ¡there’s just 1 hole with ground @ the bottom! You’d think halfway thru the game it’d be safe to have lava pits, since they had 1 2 worlds ago. In fact, this level has a shocking lack o’ pits, which are all small & easy to jump o’er. I legit think it’d be mo’ likely for a player to fall in a pit or die in any way in 1-1.

While the 2nd & 4th red coin location in Super Mario Bros. Deluxe are interesting, it’s lame that you have to intentionally fail the maze to get the 1st & 3rd coins.

A’least they put the Yoshi egg round the most recognizable landmark.

31. World 7-2

Speaking o’ water levels… Yes, water levels have ne’er been the best levels in platformers, & this especially applies to Super Mario Bros., a game that had platforming physics still better than many contemporary platformers, but with very backward swimming physics that have not aged well. How fast the player falls & how high they go when you press the A button feels very inconsistent, specially when near holes, which warp your movement in ways that might’ve seemed clever in abstract from a technical standpoint, but just feel bad in terms o’ actually playing.

While water levels’ layouts are arguably mo’ intricate than castle levels, these intricacies don’t do much but slow you down, since you can just swim round them, & there’s no chance o’ being sucked into a pit ’less you’re playing the Super Mario Bros. Deluxe version & going for red coins placed right next to the bottom o’ a hole. It doesn’t seem like they programmed in hitting ?-blocks underwater ( tho they did in Super Mario Bros. Deluxe, as there’s a Yoshi egg block in these levels, just like e’ery other level ), nor are there any pipes with bonus areas, or any other secrets. No, you just go straight thru, weaving round the debris & dodging the whopping 2 enemy types.

Dealing with these enemies is particularly annoying. Technically, it’s easy if you go slowly, as the Bloopers for some reason are too dumb to hit you when you’re on the ground; ¿but who wants to go slowly? As much as I praise Super Mario Bros. for its positive influences on the platformer genre, I’m not happy it introduced the nonsensical trope o’ being hurt by hitting an enemy from ’bove, which, in addition to not making any sense, makes dealing with enemies boring & the challenge o’ the water levels very lopsided. While the fire flower certainly helped you in normal levels, you could still deal with most enemies by stomping on them. But underwater, without fireballs all you can do is dodge enemies; & thanks to their erratic, random movement patterns, that oft involves waiting round for them to get out o’ your way. I’ve seen e’en speedrunners sometimes get stymied by enemies being in the wrong place @ the wrong time, forcing them to wait.

The only positive thing I can think to say ’bout these water levels is that they’re rare & exotic, specially aesthetically, with their pink coral & music. But while the coral is fresh to see, the water is the same tiles seen in ground levels & the green rocks all o’er the level don’t look much different from the brown rocks in ground levels. The water music is probably the weakest song in the game. Mo’ importantly, tho, they ruin what novelty these stages might have in an e’en greater way than Super Mario 64 did with its 2 water levels by repeating this stage twice. & these levels have the least variance ’mong all cloned levels.

You’re so limited in what you can do in these levels, getting the score challenge in Super Mario Bros. Deluxe’s challenge mode for these levels devolves into just beating these levels quickly. That might seem questionably to judge a Super Mario Bros. level for its weakness in a remake, but this weakness stems from a weakness o’ the original layout — after all, the red coins in Super Mario Bros. Deluxe a’least mitigate the boringness o’ these levels just the li’lest o’ bits. Tho not by much, as they’re not in the most interesting locations — with maybe the exception o’ the cheap trick o’ putting 1 near the bottom, where you can easily get sucked down into the abyss.

The Yoshi Egg is in a much mo’ interesting place than 2-2, tho, in that giant pit, which is the most interesting landmark in the level.

30. World 2-2

2-2 is just 7-2, but with fewer enemies. Since that means fewer annoyances that slow you down mo’ than challenge you, that makes the original slightly better. Plus, in world 2 getting to play such a radically different kind o’ gameplay was refreshing ’nough to make what feels like the equivalent o’ a bad minigame forgiveable.

The red coins aren’t in any mo’ interesting locations, & they once ’gain have 1 near the abyss.

The Yoshi Egg is hidden in a seemingly arbitrary place, which is odd: you’d think they’d make the easier level have the mo’ iconic — & therefore easier to locate — location & the harder version have the mo’ subtle variation.

29. World 7-4

A much better use o’ the maze mechanic than 4-4, with mo’ memorable paths, like the 1 that makes you go from the bottom to the top & the tricky 2nd path where you have to leap high up without getting hit by the firebar & weave ’long the middle section under a low ceiling with many potholes that make you fall into the bottom path.

There’s also the surprisingly tricky 1st section with the quick-falling elevator platforms surrounded by Podoboos.

But despite these, this level’s still sparse compared to other castles & has a weak ending, which is just flat ground with holes you can hide in to keep you save from Bowser’s flames. It’s hardly any different from 1-4, & this is the penultimate world. Bowser’s bridge also has nothing ’bove to impede you, with just a single Podoboo to accompany him. From a difficulty standard, it’s e’en worse than 4-4, since by this point having such an easy castle is just farcical. But, truly, the problem isn’t easiness: it’s possible to have brain-dead easy levels near the very end that are good if they’re interesting. But just like 4-4, this level is just dull & repetitive. It has 2 interesting setpieces, which is 1 mo’ than 4-4 has, but far less than nearly e’ery other level has.

While the 1st red coin near the bottom o’ the 2nd elevator is tricky to get, the rest aren’t interesting, & ’gain the game makes you fail a maze 2 times for 2 red coins.

& it seems like they put the Yoshi egg in the least interesting place they could.

28. World 4-1

The infamous introduction to Lakitu & apparently the original contender for 1st level o’ the game, which shocks some people, but shouldn’t, as e’en me @ 10 years ol’ quickly realized that, e’en mo’ than the leaping Cheep-Cheep levels, you can just run thru most o’ the level, jumping o’er e’ery pipe that gets in your way, while Lakitu throws its eggs uselessly ’hind you. It’s certainly fortunate that they replaced this with the current 1-1 as the opening not so much ’cause this level is too hard as ’cause this level is not nearly as interesting, being mostly flat land & scattered pipes & ?-blocks.

Howe’er, e’en tho Lakitu is less interesting than the leaping Cheep-Cheep gimmick, this level is a bit mo’ interesting with its several scattered ?-blocks enticing players to waste their time while Lakitu swarms the level with Spiny eggs ( note that they go out o’ their way to make these blocks ?-blocks when other levels would’ve had most o’ them be bricks — they truly want you to hit all these ) & the long block formations near the middle, whose bottom line can trip new players up & force them to go backward ( where they will likely meet a newborn Spiny ) or risk jumping with such a low ceiling & possibly falling into the pit in the middle.

Strangely, this level’s hardest part is the middle, with the tall pipes that make you time your jumps mo’ precisely to clear them & their Piranha Plants, while round the end o’ the level the pipes get shorter for some reason. This especially applies to Super Mario Bros. Deluxe, which stunts Mario & Luigi’s jump height ( presumably ’cause their NES & SNES jump height are nearly the entirety o’ the Game Boy Color’s tiny screen height ), making it impossible to clear these middle pipes while Piranha Plants are up.

Most o’ the red coins make good use o’ the otherwise pointless ?-blocks, specially the multicoin block just before the flagpole.

The Yoshi egg, in contrast, is garbage, just ’bove an arbitary hidden ?-block out in the vast wilderness before the staircase. I guess it does add challenge, since you have to jump round while Lakitu’s throwing Spiny eggs e’erywhere.

27. World 2-3

This level doesn’t have the most intricate layout or any secrets ( well, outside Super Mario Bros. Deluxe’s challenge mode ), but the rare hopping fish gimmick does make this level stand out & does add thrill on its own, e’en without many setpieces. They do spice up the arrangements with a few green hills, & this level does have that section @ the end with the 3 small bridges broken up with holes; but I still feel they could’ve done a lot mo’ with this level. ¿Were there technical limitations that prevented them from adding mo’ bricks or pipes?

These levels also stand out by being primarily made up o’ bridges, a setpiece that’s very rare outside o’ castle endings. The background in the All-Stars version is specially notable, with its out-o’-place sandy dunes & Goomba towers.

They did a’least make the good call to make these 3rd levels o’ their worlds, so that players can give themselves the extra challenge o’ trying to jump for all the coins while weaving ’tween Cheep Cheep so they can get the hidden 1-up in the next world.

Being such a simple level, it doesn’t offer many interesting places for red coins, tho they do have 1 in a tricky jump just before the long palm-tree platform. The final red coin position on the ground right before the flagpole is lame, tho. A’least they added an invisible coin block gainst the back o’ the staircase so you can get back up to jump high ’nough to reach the top o’ the flagpole; if not, players would probably have to get the red coin medal & score medal separately.

I kind o’ like how they put the Yoshi egg in this easier version o’ this level on the long palm-tree platform, which stands out ’mong all the other elements, while 7-3’s egg is somewhere on the bridge, much harder to distinguish from other bridges.

26. World 7-3

7-3 is just 2-3, but with Koopas added in. This leaves me torn, as it does make the level a bit mo’ interesting by itself; but where it is in level sequence, much later than its twin, it’s much easier than its surrounding levels. That said, such “breather levels” can be useful for adding pleasant surprises & keeping the difficulty curve from getting too monotonous. So o’erall, I would consider this level an improvement o’er its twin. Still, I wish they could’ve created a mo’ complicated level to mesh with the hopping Cheep Cheep, like they do with Lakitu in 6-1.

Actually, half o’ me is morbidly curious ’bout if it’d have been possible to have a Lakitu with the hopping fish & whether that would’ve been awesome or horrible.

You can tell they used up what few ideas for red coins they had in 2-3, as they’re e’en worse here. 2 o’ them just require finding random invisible coins to go high ’nough to reach them.

25. World 6-4

6-4 is just 1-4 but with a few extra firebars, Podoboos, & Bowser now throwing hammers. While the extra firebars in the middle do make this section much mo’ intricate ( tho for some reason Super Mario Bros. Deluxe removes the 1st extra firebar ), the extra firebars & the Podoboos @ the beginning only pointlessly slow you down, & the extra firebar in the central hallway is just as laughably useless as the others. They don’t make this level much mo’ challenging — not ’nough for world 6. 1-4 may be simplistic, but it has a good ’scuse & benefits from being the 1st castle players will play, where these elements are fresh. By world 6, playing 1-4 ’gain, but with a few extra dangers, has neither o’ these benefits & is just a joke. “Breather levels” are useful when used in the right place @ the right time, but a world-ending castle is a questionable 1, specially in a game that already had castle levels that, on average, are easier than most normal levels.

It has a slightly better Yoshi egg placement than 1-4, but it’s still far from the most inspired location.

& the red coin placements are less interesting: they’re mostly just high up, exploiting the inferior camera in a cheap way.

24. World 3-4

3-4 may not be a true copy, but many o’ its elements are very similar to those found in 1-4 & 2-4, but with setpieces repeated extra times to make it a li’l harder.

We get that in its strongest form @ the beginning, where we’re hit with 3 copies o’ the same 3-block-wide platform from the beginning o’ 1-4, not e’en @ different heights like 2-4’s platfors, all with the same firebar going the same direction @ the same speed. But ’stead o’ a ?-block o’er any o’ these platforms, we just have Podoboos jumping up & down in the surrounding lava, which could look somewhat like a mix o’ what 1-4 & 2-4 started with if you squint hard ’nough @ it; but since these elements are so common, & are combined several other times, too, it’s hard to get much interest out o’ them. I s’pose it does add extra challenge in that you can’t just wait fore’er for Podoboos to be in just the right place before jumping while the firebar clock is ticking toward you.

Next we have the same kind o’ firebar jumps players did in 1-4, but now a block higher & all the harder version with 2 firebars per block, the final pair differing only in their relative position & timing, adding the slightest extra challenge.

The only setpiece worth talking ’bout is the 3-?-block formation with a power-up in the middle, which, if you release a mushroom, it can be easy to drop it into the lava. The same setpiece will be repeated soon in 4-2, tho, so e’en that doesn’t help this level feel in any way unique or vital to this game.

That said, the red coins are all in great locations, requiring precise high jumps off the edge o’ firebar-manned steps & low jumps o’er lava.

The Yoshi egg’s location feels arbitrary, tho: it’s just ’mong a bunch o’ invisible blocks in a wide-open empty space that’s hard to discern from the rest o’ the level.

23. World 2-4

The very 1st section that introduces Podoboos is much weaker than the 1st section that introduced firebars in 1-4. Maybe it would’ve been too trollish to put a Podoboo under the ?-block ( in fact, here I should admit that, in general, Podoboos are much weaker enemies than firebars, acting as just a place to wait for when it’s safe to pass thru, whereas firebars can a’least be placed in tricky arrangements ), but they could’ve done something mo’ interesting than just 3 platforms, 2 Podoboos @ the edges, & a ?-block in the middle. 5-4, ’course, puts a firebar there to add difficulty; but why they need to wait several worlds later to add difficulty in a way that the previous castle did is a mystery to me.

The useless firebar hall in 1-4 has now been split into 2 wherein the player has to estimate which path is safest, with the missing firebar @ the beginning telegraphing the bottom hallway as the safest. While the top hallway forces the player to wait round mo’ for the firebars to get out o’ your way, the bottom is essentially the equivalent to the hall in 1-4. On 1 hand, giving the player a split path is a li’l mo’ interesting; on the other, making the only alternative to 1-4’s straight run thru be the “challenge” o’ waiting mo’ is less fun.

The strongest part is the following elevator section, which is, if anything, perhaps too hard for this early in the game, specially the part just after it with a firebar &, most likely, 1 o’ Bowser’s flame taking up the only other formerly safe space. I would’ve left the firebar out in the earlier 2-4 version to better balance this castle level & add variety ’tween this & its twin, 5-4.

In contrast to this, after that is some pointless section with a block just sitting there, which is obviously just there ’cause it will have a firebar in the inevitable harder copy later. I would say that keeping the firebar here would’ve been mo’ useful than the previous, but e’en with the firebar it’s not an interesting setpiece, so it would’ve been better to just leave out this section in both versions entirely.

It’s odd that they start the ending gauntlet with jumps o’er lava & then make things easier by changing to jumps o’er safe ground.

I also question why they gave so li’l space round the platform ’bove Bowser in such an early level.

This level is a mix o’ setpieces too simple & too challenging for such a level & most o’ it feels like dead space & repeating setpieces so recently experienced in 1-4. A big problem with this level is it feels like too much o’ it is just setting up the added twists in its harder clone, 5-4, than being its own level. The elevator section almost made me rank it higher than 1-4, but 1-4’s strong start & middle are worth mo’ than it, so like Phil Leotardo, I compromised & put it ’tween 6-4 & 1-4.

The red coin locations aren’t too bad, ’cept the 2nd ( tho part o’ me’s glad they didn’t make it so that you had to take a certain path during the fork to get it ). I particularly like the 1 up in the elevators, making, well, elevating actually useful.

The Yoshi egg e’en makes use o’ the otherwise useless firebar block without its firebar.

22. World 5-3

5-3 is just 1-3, but with randomly-generated Bullet Bills & slightly smaller elevator platforms. Unlike the Bullet Bills who shoot from cannons & actually have some strategy to them, these are basically just repainted flames from the castle levels that range from being ordinary obstacles you have to deal with e’ery so oft to obstacles that are way out o’ the way & feel pointless to, on thankfully rare occassions, unlucky situations where you’re struck while already in the midst o’ a jump & it’s too late to change course. Granted, you can avoid these by only jumping just after a Bullet Bill has passed, before it has time to come round ’gain; ¿but who wants to stop & go so oft? 1-3 doesn’t have this problem, since there’s no luck factor in it @ all. Despite this, the Bullet Bills don’t add ’nough extra challenge to make this level fit in with world 5 — certainly not after difficulty bumps like 5-1 & 5-2.

Since this level is so simple & since 1-3 used all the halfway interesting locations, 5-3’s red coin placements are laughably lame: ¡3 o’ them are just floating out in the open, all scrunched together in the middle!

The Yoshi Egg’s location is strikingly e’en worse than the already bad location in 1-3: 5-3’s is @ the end, past the staircase, which has nothing to do with the main level & is too easy to locate after using Yoshi’s egg finder ( ’cause it looks nothing like the rest o’ the level ). The whole point o’ the egg finder is that it challenges you to remember the level to remember where the small screen they show you is; but that’s trivial when it’s the flagpole screen.

21. World 1-4

As you can imagine, the 1st castle level is the least challenging & complex castle level — tho I have to admit, having the firebar under the ?-block is a strong setpiece in which to introduce the firebars, & the arrangements near the middle, specially the 2 next to each other, forcing the player to weave round them, is also no slouch.

After this is a long passageway that looks dangerous, as it’s full o’ firebars, but you can usually just run thru with the firebars timed so that they’re out o’ the way when you reach them. Unlike later levels, this ease works much better in such an early level & does a great job o’ keeping such an early level exciting while still keeping it relatively easy.

Less interesting is the big area full o’ hidden coin blocks, which I guess could, on rare occasions, cause some cheap bullshit hits if you bonk 1 while trying to dodge Bowser’s fire — but that’s hardly a good element to have in the 1st castle, or anywhere, truly. These are only useful otherwise in Super Mario Bros. Deluxe’s challenge mode, where 1 o’ them hides the Yoshi egg; ¿but on any other version, who’s going to waste their time jumping round like an idiot for up to 6 coins?

The red coin locations are all strong, tho, specially the ones right next to firebars, forcing you to run in & out to grab them before the firebar swoops back round to hit you.

20. World 5-4

In contrast to 1-4 vs. 6-4, 5-4 is an improvement o’er its twin, 2-4. The 1st area is a combination o’ 1-4 & 2-4’s opening, but set up in a way that you can rush thru.

Similarly, while the 2nd hallways are mo’ challenging with mo’ firebars, you can still rush thru the bottom path without stopping with a well-timed duck jump.

The arrangement that now has a firebar after the elevator section is a bit silly with the lower passage; — ¿why would anyone want to go under it for those 3 coins when there’s such a high chance o’ getting hit ­— but I do quite like the challenge dynamic wherein it can be quite a challenge to jump o’er or e’en just not run into if you let yourself fall into that area, but can be easy to clear with a long jump straight o’er that whole lower section — with the caveat that this might open you to getting hit by 1 o’ Bowser’s flames.

In fact, 5-4 may be the hardest castle in the game, strangely ’nough. It’s certainly harder than the jokes that are 6-4 & 7-4. That said, it’s still just a minorly improved copy-pasta o’ an already not-very-good level, & it’s certainly not the most interesting castle level.

Unlike 2-4, this level is rude ’nough to force you to take the top path to get a red coin… which is the easiest path, so you want to take it, anyway.

I do prefer the last 2 red coins, tho — specially the way you have to actually dig for the red coin ’mong all the bricks while dodging Bowser’s attacks, rather than just having the red coin be awkwardly next to the bricks. I like how they add the extra challenge by making you slide under the firebar going toward you for the 4th coin.

The Yoshi Egg location is just dumb & arbitrary, howe’er & is right next to the 4th red coin, to boot, but doesn’t e’en take advantage o’ its danger. ¿Wouldn’t it be mo’ interesting if you had to hit & jump on the hidden ?-block ’bove this firebar block in 2-4, but with the firebar now there? I would’ve forgiven them for having the Yoshi Egg in the same place in both levels — it would’ve felt like a clever twist.

19. World 1-3

1-3 falls into that awkward middle o’ not being the kind o’ memorable introductions as 1-1 & 1-2, or e’en 1-4 after it, nor being as complex or intricate as later levels. With all the pits, it almost feels too difficult for how early it is, specially compared to the easier castle level after it, but not much mo’ difficult that it’s as striking as other palm-tree levels. The most interesting thing, other than its introduction o’ its fresh bright green hills tileset so soon after introducing the world to the normal o’erworld & underground tilesets, is the different staircase @ the end; & e’en then, it doesn’t serve much o’ a difference in terms o’ gameplay.

There are a few interesting setpieces, like the 3 times you jump up a high cliff guarded by a Goomba or Red Koopa, & to some extent they have multiple paths, such as the top & bottom palm trees near the middle.

There are also side areas, like the top palm tree with 4 coins & a Red Koopa & the lower area under the flying Red Paratroopa near the end, which could also serve as a safety net — tho why it’d be important to have 1 after plenty o’ unguarded pits is a mystery. ’Twas a smart decision to add the secret mechanic wherein you need to collect all the coins in the 3rd level o’ a world to unlock the hidden 1-up in the next world, as the need to collect coins is the only use for many o’ these side areas, tho the way they integrated this mechanic in such an obscure manner that would make few actually bother to do so feels awkward & is an example o’ how Super Mario Bros. was platformers still naively trying to find their footing leaving the arcade world & entering mo’ in-depth console gameplay.

Some o’ the elements feel forced or thrown in, tho. ¿Why is the 1st elevator moving up & down there? It doesn’t fit with the level theme & doesn’t accomplish anything, since you could reach the top hill without it & certainly the bottom hill without it.

The red coins do serve as a way to legitimize some o’ the aforementioned frivolous setpieces, like the high cliff near the beginning, the low cliff near the end, & the 1st elevator.

The Yoshi Egg’s in a nondescript place, tho — so nondescript the developers felt the need to add an extra cloud background ’hind it to make it stand out mo’.

18. World 3-2

3-2 is a striking step down in complexity & variety, not only compared to its immediate predecessor, but also to possibly e’ery other non-castle level, being mainly flat ground with long lines o’ Koopas & Goombas. On the other hand, this level trades that lack o’ variety for a greater level o’ thematic coherence, focusing so tightly on what we might later call the “gimmick” o’ kicking Koopas @ other enemies. It’s obviously not the 1st time the game gives you the opportunity to do so, but this is the 1st level that practically screams @ you to do so with its straight lines o’ enemies. While 3-1 gives you a tricky opportunity to nab a rare 1-up thru hitting 8 enemies in a row with a Koopa shell, this level introduces this properly with the 1st line o’ enemies, with just the right # o’ enemies to get a 1-up @ the end, making it stupidly easy to get the 1-up — tho also easy to lose it ’gain after the shell ricochets off the block just after the last Koopa. Considering they repeat this setup almost verbatim in 5-1, it’s surprising they don’t make this version easier by putting a pit @ the end.

This level is perfectly inconsistent ’bout where it gives players the opportunity to rack up extra lives. Just after the 1st opportunity, the level seems to offer ’nother opportunity right after, with a Koopa followed by 2 Goombas, but then pulls the rug out from under the player by having a wall early. They follow this with a Koopa in a tiny hole with an infinite-coin block not worth hitting, & then a hopping Paratroopa, who is also followed by too few enemies to win a 1-up from it, making taking the effort to clip its wings & kick its shell pointless, & then, when the level gets it into your head that kicking shells into enemies isn’t going to net you 1-ups anymo’, they twist this expectation & follow this with a section with a Koopa followed by 8 enemies, tho made e’en mo’ challenging than the hopping Paratroopa by putting the 1st Koopa so near the edge that the player has to speedrun to get there & kick it from the left in time — & e’en then it can be an awkward maneuver that leaves the player mo’ likely to get hurt. Finally, they follow this up with 1 mo’ section with a Koopa, followed by… not ’nough enemies to net a 1-up. All o’ these twists exhibit a perfect counterexample to the lazy mainstream view that all levels in all video games should follow a straight difficulty curve upward in regards to the evolution o’ setpiece challenges, but can, in fact, benefit from surprise ups & downs to keep players from getting bored.

Still, this level is perhaps too obsessed with its theme — which, to be honest, isn’t all that interesting, & isn’t e’en unique to this level. There are many other levels with gimmicks just as good if not better that also do a better job o’ balancing these gimmicks with other elements for variety. E’en something as o’erused as a bonus underground room — e’en if ’twere just a copy o’ 1 from ’nother level — would’ve improved this level. A’least this level is brief ’nough that its focus doesn’t become tedious.

Unfortunately, such a simple level doesn’t provide a fertile ground for red coin locations: they’re mostly just thrown out in the open. Many are just high up, requiring you to jump up other blocks to reach them or make mightly leaps. the 1st is literally just right on the ground.

The Yoshi Egg’s location is stupid: it’s @ the top o’ a pyramid o’ hidden ?-blocks that weren’t there in the original version in an indistinct place. Worse, they put a red coin round there — which, now that I think ’bout it, a’least acts as a hint that these ?-blocks are here.

17. World 8-1

8-1 is a mixed bag: it has a few excellent, tricky sections that remind you why it starts the final world, such as the plot pockmarked with holes & swarming with Paratroopas, the staircase broken up with several holes ( which you’re likely to be rushing up, due to this level’s length & tight time limit ), & the infamous 1-block jump surrounded by long chasms you have to run-jump o’er without stopping on the single block.

Howe’er, the designers felt the need to make this the longest level in the game, & filled most o’ that length with what feels like padding, just long lengths o’ basic enemies you’ve dispatched with ease many times before, oft with a shell you can kick to dispatch them all in 1 swoop, with just the need to jump o’er the shell when it ricochets back, as if you haven’t already done that many times mo’ than half the game ago.

Some sections, like the Koopa ’tween the 2 walls, where you’ll ne’er have any reason to go, are just baffling.

The red coin locations are all great, tho, & take advantage o’ notable setpieces for challenges, such as putting 1 ’bove 1 o’ the many potholes in 1 section or in the easy-to-miss multicoin brick round the middle.

They e’en make the small pit with the Koopa walking back & forth less useless by putting a red coin there, giving players a reason to go in there.

The Yoshi Egg is also in the perfect place, the most memorable place in the whole level: right on that single block surrounded by vast chasms.

16. World 8-3

I’m torn on this level. It’s so memorable, specially the way it just unrelentingly sics Hammer Bro after Hammer Bro after you, the hardest enemy in the game. It’s fitting for the final non-castle level. The brick castle backgrounds, unique to this level, also makes this level stand out — specially in a final world that so far had shown the least aesthetic variety, with both 8-1 & 8-2 having the same graphic style as the 1st level — & drive home that this is the lead up to the final castle.

That said, the level is very basic, 1-note, & repetitive. They focus a bit too much on the Hammer Bro theme, just straight-up copy-pasting them o’er flat ground 5 times @ the end. Granted, that does make them mo’ challenging, since you can’t just run under & bump them from below. They have some challenge variance in that they give you a Koopa whose shell you can kick & maybe ( if they don’t jump o’er the shell ) dispatch the Hammer Bros, while the final pair leave you with nothing but yourself to fend gainst them. The problem is, they don’t e’en go all that hard on you: the 2 pairs o’ brick platforms, with Hammer Bros. no harder to dispatch than when you 1st encountered them in this way back in 3-1, each have a power-up, giving you a relatively easy way to get a Fire Flower, allowing you to plow thru the rest o’ the level.

The best part o’ this level is probably the final “staircase”, the ultimate version: it’s so broken up, it’s barely e’en a “staircase”, but just a scatter o’ single blocks.

1 subtly strong element I do want to bring up is the staircase near the middle, which isn’t notable by itself, but does act as a stealth setup to the beginning o’ 8-4, which also has a downward staircase, but 1 where you actually have to steadily go down them without falling into the pit. Here you can mostly ignore the staircase, howe’er, as the hole after it is short ’nough to clear from the top o’ the staircase.

Tho the new gray wall background in All-Stars with parallax scrolling looks nicer than the 1 made out o’ regular bricks in the NES original, it ruins the effect o’ the multicoin block near the end, which is s’posed to be hidden ’mong the brick background, but stands out gainst the scrolling gray background.

This level is simple ’nough that it doesn’t have many great places for red coins, but the developers did certainly try. I specially like the red coin high up on the final staircase, requiring the player to make a dangerous leap back to get it, as well as the 1 on the downward staircase near the middle, forcing the player to go down the staircase like in 8-4.

Howe’er, the 1st red coin is the stupidest red coin in the game: it’s way up on the 1st screen & requires you to hit a hidden ?-block @ the far left to reach it. This could be in any level & it’d fit as well, that’s how generic it is.

Actually, the Yoshi Egg is pretty much the same, also requiring a hidden ?-block to reach ’nother hidden block, but thrown somewhere near the middle o’ the level. I guess that makes it harder to find. ’Cept not really, since finding 2 invisible ?-blocks isn’t much harder than finding 1: once you find that 1 that wasn’t in the original game, you have a good inkling where the other is.

15. World 1-1

It’s hard to appreciate 1-1, not the least ’cause e’ery game critic can’t stop creaming themselves o’er it — tho, funny ’nough, for the short period in which ’twas playable, Super Mario Bros. 35 made its players loath this level due to its ubiquity. It’s certainly o’errated in that the public tends to treat this as the only level worthy o’ discussion.

Many o’ the points o’ praise critics offer this level make mo’ sense in pure abstract principle rather than its actual implementation, such as the lavish praise so many critics give to the way this level has those mini staircases with ground ’tween them & then yet ’nother set, tho with an extra block on the left side & a hole ’tween them, the former presumably acting as training wheels for the latter. They talk ’bout this setpiece as if it’s the only time this game e’er does such a thing — probably ’cause they act as if this is the only level that exists. What they rarely mention is that there are plenty o’ bottomless pits before this section in this level, rendering the need for these training wheels nonsensical. The only interesting use for this safe spot is in Super Mario Bros. Deluxe, where they hide the Yoshi egg there.

I’m also skeptical o’ much o’ the armchair psychological assumptions for how players will “naturally” react to this or that setpiece. Take the 1st block formation: e’eryone talks ’bout the Goomba under the blocks & how this is perfectly set up so that you’ll naturally try to jump & bonk your head, releasing a mushroom, as well as likely die to the Goomba. Ignoring the questionable level design o’ having what they seem to depict as a beginner’s trap… ¿Have these people actually played this game? If you play 1-1, you’ll find that the Goomba goes past the ?-block long before you have a chance to jump o’er them, e’en if you’re running.

But despite my qualms with the o’erwrought way so many critics talk ’bout this level, I won’t criticize it too much. It is good for a 1st level: better than the 1st level in many platformers, e’en many other Mario games. In fact, ’mong traditional Mario games ( not including Donkey Kong Country or Wario Land 3, both o’ which I’d say had better 1st levels ), I’d say only Super Mario Bros. 3 bested it. It’s certainly better than the level they originally planned to be the 1st level, what is now 4-1. I’ve oft said that making good easy levels takes much mo’ skill than making a good hard level, as you need to make the level simple & easy without being too basic & dull, specially to veterans playing the game a 2nd time. Since, as stated in the intro, people were paying what in today’s money would be mo’ than $100 for the special ability to play this game as many times as they wanted, replay value was vital.

But while I can’t deny that that opening brick-?-brick-?-brick formation with the single ?-block higher up is an iconic formation, people oft miss the less brilliant parts o’ this level. For instance, the pipe section just after is quite repetitive. Perhaps this is to better hide the shortcut; perhaps these pipes are meant to offer practice for dealing with enemies in tight spaces, while also giving the player an easy way to skip the enemies completely by just jumping from pipe to pipe. 1-2 does the latter a bit better with less repetition & it makes much mo’ sense for that level to focus so much on pipes, being an actual sewer level.

The next setpiece seems to exists to introduce enemies that come @ you from ’bove & offers a way for players to learn that they can bonk enemies from below ( which players @ the time should’ve guessed, coming just after Mario Bros., where this was the default ). 1 minor quibble: I think they shouldn’t have shown their hand so much by making the mushroom block a conspicuous ?-block, but should’ve double-dipped & used this setpiece to introduce power-ups in regular bricks by making that block, which the player is likely to hit, anyway, when they try bonking a Goomba, a brick. My other quibble is that I think they could’ve made the gap after this setpiece a bit bigger, since they offer a higher route to mo’ easily pass it, anyway. A gap this small makes this set o’ training wheels almost as laughable as the aforementioned practice staircases.

What I’m surprised critics are less oft to note is the Starman hidden in a brick round the middle o’ the level, giving the player a way to safely plow thru the rest o’ the level ( which, conveniently, is much mo’ enemy-saturated that what came before ), giving a win-win for the level designer similar to the aforementioned shortcut by making the level easier but doing so in a way that makes the level mo’ exciting. This use is much mo’ interesting than the shortcut, not only ’cause it feels mo’ creative, but also ’cause it doesn’t just involve skipping the level: you feel like you’re playing thru the level but as an all-powerful god. So great is this technique that Rare did their own spin in the 1st level o’ Donkey Kong Country with Rambi. This version does have a bit mo’ urgency, tho, thanks to its limited duration, & this level takes advantage o’ this to create a twist: several ?-blocks scattered thruout the next area, 1 o’ which has a power-up, so that the player has to choose whether or not to hurry to the end with their invincibility or squander it slowly checking all the blocks for goodies. Granted, there’s a small chance the player doesn’t have full Fire Flower by this point.

Unfortunately, this level ends weakly. After the silly mini staircases, we have 1 mo’ formation o’ bricks & a lone ?-block with a coin, a formation much simpler & less memorable ( & less symmetrical ) than the very 1st formation, & 2 Goombas. It’s not terrible, ’course. Just… shrug. Maybe the developers figured that players were likely to rush thru this section, anyway, & didn’t feel like it’d be worth the effort to make this last section grade A material.

So you can see why this level is in the middle o’ my rankings: it has a mix o’ strong elements padded out with some weak filler.

As a testament to how basic this level is, quite a few red coins feel thrown in. The only 1 I really like is the 1 in that lone ?-block near the end that’s otherwise frivolous.

14. World 5-1

5-1 is mostly a superior version o’ 3-2, with the only weakness being the lack o’ the difficulty twists with the shell kicking for 1-ups: here, all the sections with several enemies that start with a Koopa — as well as 1 with a Koopa after 3 Goombas — offer an opportunity for a 1-up, tho the final 1 can easily be sabotaged if the player still has the star or squashes 1 o’ the opening Goombas before the Koopa later on.

Howe’er, this level does do a better job o’ balancing out the 1-note gimmick o’ kicking shells @ enemies by adding Bullet Bills & a few mo’ vertical-oriented setpieces, adding much needed variety. I particularly like the tricky section with the Bullet Bill blaster under the Piranha Plant pipe, forcing the player to choose ’tween a high jump timed gainst a Piranha Plant or a jump under a low ceiling timed gainst a Bullet Bill shot. E’en the ending staircase is changed up a bit — tho not in a particularly meaningful way: the hole in it just leads to flat, solid ground & falling in doesn’t e’en so much as screw you out o’ a high flagpole grab, as you can easily jump back up.

This level e’en gave a good hiding place for its obligatory hidden 1-up: rather than just being an arbitrary hidden ?-block in the middle o’ nowhere, it’s in a brick ’mong a row o’ them in a conspicuous place that seems otherwise pointless.

I’m half & half on aesthetics: 3-2’s night sky vs. this level’s wintry gray pipes. On 1 hand, the night palette is less rare, pervading both worlds 3 & 6; on the other, this level doesn’t e’en bother to make the ground gray, like in 6-3. In Super Mario All-Stars, this level is definitely less interesting visually than 3-2, since that remake makes 3-1 & 3-2 snowy, too. Still, this level does look better than a lot o’ the regular outside levels, & any attempt @ creating visual variety is appreciated in a game with limited technology that didn’t offer many opportunities.

Most o’ the red coin locations are meh — a lot o’ them are just very high up. I do like the 1 next to the 3-block-high wall that requires a tricky low jump to get & the 1 on the high-up pipe.

The Yoshi Egg is in as good a place as I could think to put it. Yes, it’s the staircase, but unlike 5-3, it’s a much different staircase & the Yoshi Egg location is in the part that makes it different. Furthermo’, most o’ this level doesn’t look radically different from the staircase section like 5-3.

As some bonus trivia: for some reason this level starts with a small castle ’stead o’ a big castle, the only level after a castle level to do so. This is almost certainly an o’ersight — 1 I ne’er noticed in the decades I’ve played this game till, well, right now. Funny ’nough, this error is kept in both Super Mario All-Stars & Super Mario Bros. Deluxe.

13. World 6-1

A much, much mo’ interesting use o’ Lakitu than 4-1, not just due to the mo’ exotic night sky, but also due to the mo’ interesting block arrangements that actually do a bit better o’ a job getting in your way, specially all the staircases, easy to snag gainst — specially the 1 with the backward-L-shaped hole in it — & offering greater elevation to Spinies, making it harder to jump o’er them.

I like the awkward position o’ the 2nd mushroom, which requires you to stop & go back a bit to get it, which is the last thing you want to do with Spinies being dropped all o’er.

I also like how the 1-up is hidden in a similar fashion, in a suspicious alcove to the left that you’d have no reason to go into otherwise. Part o’ me feels like it would’ve been better after the mushroom put the idea in the player’s head; but one could say it works e’en better they way they set it up as a replay bonus ( whether on a subsequent run or if they died — which is far from unlikely ) for those who remember the mushroom location.

I also like how these 2 sections make good use o’ the need for downward-sloping terrain after the staircases ( since the technical limitations required levels to be a flat, straight line rightward & couldn’t just keep going upward ), making them interesting, when they could’ve easily been generic filler.

This level has some subtly strong red coin locations, such as 1 right next to a downward step & a hole that’s easy to stumble in, 1 in the pit in the middle staircase, & 1 in the multicoin brick sandwiched ’tween 2 other rows o’ bricks. E’en the 1 that requires the 2 hidden ?-blocks is clever, since those hidden ?-blocks are actually in the original NES version, so it rewards players deeply familiar with the original, rather than just being an arbitrary invented twist that gaslights familiar players.

On the other hand, this level also has the dumbest Yoshi Egg location, which is similar to 8-3’s dumbest red coin location e’er: yes, it’s on the 1st screen & requires not 1, but 2 hidden ?-blocks to reach. But just like 8-3’s Yoshi Egg, it doesn’t make it harder, it just wastes extra time finding ?-blocks whose locations are obvious once you find the 1st, since there’s only so much space round the 1st you can reach from the 1st. & like 5-3’s Yoshi Egg, this Egg location is stupid ’cause it’s not e’en challenging to find from the egg finder, since that castle @ the beginning is obviously the beginning, as it is in e’ery non-castle level ( well, ’cept 1-1 ).

12. World 8-2

Probably the hardest level in the game, specially with the opening staircase with 2 Paratroopas, a Spiny, & a Lakitu. The last 3rd is also full o’ tricky arrangements, such as the crowd o’ Paratroopas o’er the lone shooter surrounded by a small & large gap, the staircase with li’l space before it with 2 Goombas on it, & the ending staircase full o’ holes & Paratroopas. These aren’t mindboggling, but they do make the level memorable to me, a’least.

There’s also the infamous 2 single blocks o’ ground with 1-block-wide empty space ’tween them before a large chasm, wherein I think you’re expected to run on the uneven ground & jump @ the end to make it, which requires the player to know they can just run o’er 1-block-wide gaps ( as well as that they don’t fall straight into that gap when going down from the pipe ), which would seem unfair; howe’er, I found you can actually just run & jump off the pipe.

They do balance out this level’s difficulty with the rare 1-up that respawns after you die & is guaranteed no matter how many coins you got in any earlier level. This 1-up is notable in that its setpiece is the 1st instance o’ a common puzzle in Mario games: the 1-up that you have to follow ’long with so it doesn’t despawn till you reach the end o’ the brick ceiling & can finally collect it. There’s a good reason they reuse this puzzle: ’twas a clever way to make players earn their extra life. Technically, this isn’t the 1st time this game does this sort o’ thing: 4-2 does something similar near the end with a regular mushroom. Howe’er, its section is shorter & can be avoided if the player is already big & get a stationary fire flower ’stead. This version’s a much grander evolution on that concept.

That said, I feel the level devolves into just a bunch o’ enemies & shooters in uninspired patterns round the middle. This would be fine if they kept Lakitu thruout the whole level, as the previous 2 levels with Lakitu held back from the norm o’ challenging layouts to balance out gainst Lakuti constantly hovering o’er the players shoulder. Having a straight challenging level with Lakitu would’ve been a particularly interesting challenge spike; but alas, Lakuti flies out o’ there right after the 1st few screens, making their appearance @ the beginning feel pointless.

The Super Mario All-Stars version is a notable visual improvement with its autumnal red hills in the background, which adds some much needed variety to a world where 3/4 o’ the levels are all the regular o’erworld tileset & palette in the NES version.

Half o’ the red coin locations are good, half are not. I like the 1 in the pit with the Buzzy Beetle, giving you a reason to go down there, & the tricky-to-hit brick just after the long brick row.

I don’t like the 1 high ’bove the infamous 2-block jump near the middle, as it telegraphs the fact that you can just leap clear o’er it. If anything, I think it would’ve been better if they put the red coin down on 1 o’ the small blocks.

& while I like the idea o’ having a red coin up on the brick ceiling with the 1-up, I don’t like how you have to find a random invisible ?-block that isn’t there in the original to reach up there.

& then there’s the red coin in the bonus room, which is in a brick that’s impossible to reach without a, sigh, hidden ?-block that wasn’t there in the original. I guess it’s to make this very obscure to find, which is somewhat fitting for such an end-game level. But a game that didn’t need to rely on unfairness to make its last world hard shouldn’t be degraded into pulling such cheap tricks to create fake difficulty, specially when the “difficulty” is just hunting round for hidden ?-blocks.

The Yoshi egg’s place is… fine. It’s not the most memorable place; but maybe that’s the point — to make it harder to find with the Yoshi egg finder.

11. World 3-3

3-3 is a middle point ’tween the simplistic 1-3 & 5-3 & the much mo’ complex 4-3 & 6-3 later on, tho as you can see by its ranking, I’d put this closer to the latter than the former. While the former 2 levels didn’t leave much to talk ’bout, 3-3 implements many mo’ notable setpieces with far less repetition. In fact, most o’ the interesting elements o’ 1-3/5-3 are in this level, too, but mixed in with new elements:

You start by going from a low palm tree to a high palm tree guarded by a Goomba, which is done 2 or 3 times in 1-3/5-3.

& then you have the low palm trees of the main path with extra coins. The 2nd & 3rd instances are mo’ interesting than the 2 in 1-3/5-3 in that they have the player go back a bit, & for the 2nd instance if they want to collect the coins on the upper path, they need to retrace their steps & jump back up.

In addition to these, you have 3 thin hills that make a great tutorial for running o’er single-block holes, with a safety net below & coins spread ’mong the palm trees ’bove to in a straight line on the ground to encourage such movement.

This level introduces scale lifts, which are used much mo’ in 4-3 & 6-3. The 2 instances in this level are perfect as a tutorial: the 1st is surrounded by palm trees, including 1 ’tween the 2 platforms, rendering it mostly unnecessary — which is to say, easy to avoid if not feeling up to its challenges — while the 2nd use replaces the ending staircase, challenging players to figure out how to use the scale lift correctly to reach the top o’ the flagpole, but not punishing players with mo’ than that for failing to do so.

The red coin locations are decent, tho I think some o’ them could’ve been improved, such as the 4th coin, which could’ve been somewhere ’bove the elevator just before its current location, & the 5th, which could’ve a’least required you to move the scales in some way before you can get it, rather than just being right there on the bottommost 1.

The Yoshi Egg location is both in a generic place & requires an extra hidden ?-block that wasn’t there in the original. The beginning castle & ending flagpole are the only places that could’ve been worse.

10. World 7-1

While mostly just a ramping up o’ elements introduced earlier in the game, including 2 pairs o’ straight brick floors with matching Hammer Bro pairs ( tho the 2nd pair o’ brick floors are shorter ), this level manages to squeeze in a few interesting setpieces. For 1, it has the most interesting arrangements o’ Bullet Bill shooters, which isn’t saying much, since they’re surprisingly rare in this game. The 1st half or so o’ the level is just an onslaught, specially if the player makes the mistake o’ going after the 4 ?-blocks ’tween 2 shooters & a hopping Paratroopa, only to find coins, or the hard-to-reach power-up in the leftmost brick on the high-up brick ceiling — which, if a mushroom, will fall right in a nest o’ shooters.

There’s ’nother somewhat tricky power-up near the end ’bove a spring boxed in by 2 brick platforms on both sides & a Bullet Bill shooter that can snipe you while you’re bouncing. Small players can take the safer route o’ just jumping from the highest brick platform, safely ’bove the shooter.

The fakeout staircase before the real staircase is interesting in theory, I guess, but kind o’ just padding in practice. I also feel like they could’ve done mo’ with the real staircase than have a single Buzzy Beetle. For such a ramp-up in difficulty as this level is, this ending, far less dangerous than the ending to many previous levels, just feels like a letdown. Since the level focuses so much on Bullet Bill shooters, it seems to me obvious to have Bullet Bill shooters embedded in the final staircase for extra peril — an idea this game & its Japanese sequel surprisingly ne’er implement ( tho D-3 o’ Lost Levels does come close with a series o’ shooters spaced apart going upward in a vaguely staircase shape @ the end ).

This level has OK red coins, with 2 hidden in bricks round Hammer Bros., forcing players to stop & deal with them, rather than just rush thru. The other 2 are in random ?-blocks & bricks that otherwise serve no major purpose. Putting a red coin in the easy to forget underground room is a good idea, but putting it way up high & demanding the player to find a hidden ?-block to reach it is kinda lame.

I don’t get why the Yoshi egg needed you to reveal a hidden ?-block to reach it, either. I feel the egg should’ve been round the Hammer Bros, or perhaps in the Bullet Bill onslaught.

9. World 5-2

A level full o’ variety, including not just a sky bonus, but also an underwater bonus ( tho not the only or best level to do so ). In fact, this water section is better than any o’ the actual water levels in this game, with elevators & tighter coral arrangements.

Despite all this variety, this level creates some level o’ cohesion on its main path thru the general focus on Hammer Bros., an enemy that appeared once as a pair in 3-1, but which is truly developed here, where you start out facing a much harder to dodge or dispatch Hammer Bros on a short staircase.

In fact, this level also has something o’ a focus on staircases, too, with 4 staircases: the 1st with a Bullet Bill shooter perched ’bove, making climbing precarious; the aforementioned mo’ dangerous staircase guarded with a Hammer Bro, & 2 staircases broken up with bottomless pits, the 1 @ the end with 2 & manned by a hopping Paratroopa.

Super Mario Bros. Deluxe makes the underwater bonus relevant by putting a red coin there. I also found it fitting that they put 1 in the multi-coin brick 1 block off the ground, giving players an advantage if they’re small, as it can be hard to hit, specially the 10 times necessary to unlock the red coin, when you need to slide under there ’cause the player’s too big.

The Yoshi egg location is decent, too. For some reason they added the top o’ a snowed-on tree ’bove the block under the hidden Yoshi egg block, which probably wasn’t necessary to make this setpiece noticeable, but I appreciate the extra effort.

8. World 2-1

2-1 is an underrated level with subtly interesting arrangements from start to finish:

You have that hole near the beginning with the 2 Koopas & the hidden block & the 1-up brick ’bove ( unlike most other hidden blocks, this 1 is cleverly hinted @ by the bricks ’bove, since you’d need a block somewhere here to be able to hit them from below ).

You have the introduction o’ the beanstalk leading up to coin heaven, ’nother cool idea that’s become so well-known that it’s easy to take it for granted.

You have a much mo’ interesting use o’ Piranha Plant pipes than 1-2 with bricks with a power-up ’bove, which, if it releases a mushroom, can actually be somewhat tricky to get, leading straight for the Piranha Plant, & then a pit.

& then you have the final staircase replaced by a tall wall & a spring to bounce you high up to reach it, a fantastic, memorable way to introduce the springboard.

My only nitpick with this level is that it has that awkward middleground o’ enemy spam, where there’s several enemies where they don’t make much o’ a difference ( ¿are 2 Koopas in that beginning hole much mo’ dangerous than just 1? ), but they don’t give you ’nough to allow you to chain kill with a Koopa shell for an extra life, which is lame. This game is keen on cockblocking 1-up chains, which I guess is to keep the game difficult. I don’t think that’s a good reason, tho, since chaining for 1-ups takes some skill, e’en when you can do it, & they give you an, if anything, easier way to get unlimited 1-ups later with the infinite lives trick using the Koopa on the staircase, anyway ( note: this technically isn’t a glitch, since the developers claim they knew ’bout it before publication & deliberately left it in ).

The red coin locations are fine, tho not remarkable. I do like the 1 @ the end near the spring, giving you more o’ a reason to use it.

The Yoshi egg’s location is interesting in that they not only added new hidden ?-blocks to reach the brick that hides it, they added high background fences. Unlike 5-2’s extra background element, this extra background, which is 8 blocks, is much mo’ conspicuous, & this setpiece, otherwise, was generic & would be hard to find without it.

7. World 3-1

This level feels like 2-1, but in many ways stronger. For 1, it introduces the night theme & spruces itself up e’en mo’ with the bridge & water ( tho why you can’t swim in this water when you were just swimming in water 3 levels ago is a mystery ).

& while it doesn’t introduce coin heaven, the coin heaven it does feature is mo’ intricate & interesting than the simple 1 that 2-1 does introduce.

But o’erall, this level has mo’ intricate block setups & greater enemy variety, including the introduction to the infamous Hammer Bros, hardest enemies in the game, with their classic 2-row setup o’ brick floors that they would jump up & down, allowing players with tight timing a way to bonk them from below, but also allowing Hammer Bros a way to jump down on players.

To ease players into this new, much mo’ difficult enemy, the developers put a hidden Starman not long before so, but not in an obvious place. In fact, the brick you need to hit to reveal it is positioned in just the right way to make it subtly tricky to get, forcing players to earn their easy mode to some extent.

The opening with the 3 ?-blocks high up, 1 o’ which has a mushroom, & the 2 Paratroopas patrolling the main ground, is an underrated opening, perfect for a middle level that has the feel o’ gradually revving up difficulty.

The bonus room right after has an interesting diagonal arrangement o’ bricks & secretly offers mo’ than just coins & a quick path thru by hiding a power-up in 1 o’ the seemingly innocuous bricks. It’s impossible to reach while small, which would be a dick move normally; but since it comes so soon after a power-up, such an unlikely scenario seems like a justified mockery o’ a player who somehow let them get hit by the 1 Piranha Plant or Goomba after the previous power-up.

E’en tho 3-2 throws kicking shells @ enemies in the player’s face, I like how 3-1 includes a subtly-placed section that allows players to do so to rack up a life, rewarding players who’d played the game before & remember the next level.

Finally, tho not as interesting as the spring & the wall, they do minorly spice up the classic staircase by adding 2 Koopas, creating a section that ended up being far mo’ iconic thanks to the famous infinite-lives trick this enables.

As for the red coins, I have to shout out the devious-to-find red coin in the underground bonus room, in a brick that seems random, till you realize it’s directly opposite the power-up brick.

The Yoshi egg is also cleverly hid in an already-existing brick, rather than a newly-created ?-block — & it’s a brick that’s difficult & dangerous to try hitting.

6. World 8-4

Definitely the best castle level in the game, & the only 1 that implemented the maze mechanic in an interesting way, focusing mo’ on taking the right pipe to the next section than taking the right vague “path”.

This level also has the most variety o’ any castle level, pulling together various gimmicks & mechanics from previous levels, with an underwater section & a section with hopping fish, making it feel somewhat like a final exam level. I feel like the single Hammer Bro just before the large leap o’er the Podoboo-infested lava pool, & then the final Bowser, is mo’ effective than all the Hammer Bros. in 8-3.

I do have qualms with the invisible block needed to reach the pipe in the 2nd maze section; howe’er, I mean, it is a conspicuous pipe, & there’s no other way to get up there, so the player probably has to assume there’s an invisible block somewhere. It’s too bad they hadn’t implemented enemy bouncing yet, as I feel requiring the player to bounce off 1 o’ the 2 hopping Paratroopas that come by would’ve been mo’ effective.

I do like the subtle difficulty o’ the 1st jump off the downward steps under a low ceiling o’er the vast pit o’ lava, challenging players to go down the steps without stumbling too far & falling in. It’s a clever twist that you start the level going down a staircase, rather than ending going up, & fits with the idea o’ descending a hellish environment.

Almost all the red coins are in places that require tricky jumps, such as the 1st right on the edge o’ the staircase, the 1 ’bove the moving platform o’er lava, & the 1 high ’bove the final ax, while the 4th is hidden well high up in the water area — somewhere you don’t want to be lingering round to explore. But the 3rd red coin is lame: ’mong hidden ?-blocks after intentionally flubbing the maze with the leaping Cheep Cheep.

The Yoshi egg, in the water section, is certainly in a memorable place, & makes use o’ the empty top portion o’ the beginning screen.

5. World 1-2

It says something ’bout how much better 1-2 is than 1-1 that e’en tho ’twas ’bout just as ubiquitous as 1-1 in the sadly deceased Super Mario Bros. 35 it hadn’t earned nearly the notoriety as its predecessor. While 1-1 is a relatively simple, straightforward level not too far from this game’s arcade roots that doesn’t take too many playthrus to fully appreciate, 1-2 ramps up not so much the raw challenge as the complexity &, mo’ importantly, hidden secrets. After all, while 1-1 has bricks o’er a Goomba & 2 staircases, this level has the far mo’ famous & exponentially cleverer warp zone.

For instance, we have much weirder block formations, such as the moustache formation o’ bricks near the beginning, hiding a star so well that I didn’t e’en know ’bout it till Super Mario Bros. 35 made it important for high scoring, followed by a Tetris-block shape that seems arbitrary, but actually has an important gameplay role: allowing small players to slip under while large players can break the bricks ’bove & go up & round. This wastes time for those who collected the Starman, granting an advantage to small players, tho big players can mitigate this advantage by run ducking under. After this we have Goombas falling down on you from different heights.

’Course, going the top path is usually how players realize they can break bricks all the way to the ceiling & run under the UI & ’bove the whole level to find the warp zone. It’s so well-known that it’s easy to take for granted, but I do like the silly meta humor communicated thru gameplay, rather than cringy dialogue boxes, as most modern Mario games would do, & the way this rewards clever, curious players.

This section is then followed by 2 cool hook-shaped brick formations, 1 with coins ’bove it, & the other hiding a powerup @ the top o’ its tip, with Goombas that drop down on you from various heights.

The weakest part, unless you count the very 1st screen with the basic line o’ ?-blocks & 2 Goombas, is the middle, with just a few pipes & Goombas & Piranha Plants. I think there’s 3 Goombas @ the beginning to slow the player down so they don’t rush straight into the 1st Piranha Plant, since this is where they’re introduced, but I think the Piranha Plants are almost always already up by the time you get here, anyway. The seemingly superfluous Goomba in the hole ’tween the 2nd & 3rd pipe is maybe there to keep that hole from being too safe & to encourage players to practice jumping from Piranha Plant pipe to Piranha Plant pipe. The bonus in the 1st pipe with the 2 layers o’ coins & the multicoin block @ the end is mo’ interesting than the 1 in 1-1, but not too much mo’.

Near the end we have yet ’nother copy o’ the staircase from 1-1, but this time with 2 Goombas, & then the introduction of elevator platforms. As common with introductions, they’re not used in the most interesting o’ ways, tho they do make use o’ the upward-moving elevators to make it very easy to reach the warp zone. I’d say too easy, since it makes finding the warp zone obvious, ruining the clever secret ’hind it.

The red coins are all in very clever places, challenging you to explore places you likely wouldn’t, such as the easy-to-miss bonus room & on top o’ the moustache-shaped brick formation. The most cleverly placed red coin is way up on the high brick formation ’bove & to the right o’ the 2nd power-up, which is usually only used for dropping a Goomba down on you.

The Yoshi egg’s location is ’bove the pipe exit, which perhaps isn’t the best hiding spot, but is somewhat clever a twist, as players are unlikely to have a reason to go up there, which is technically a dead end.

Since warp zones don’t work with Super Mario Bros. Deluxe’s Challenge Mode, they replaced it with a brand new section that makes you zigzag downward. It’s a cool way to give curious players bonus points — which they’ll need if they want the demanding score medal.

4. World 6-2

An incredibly underrated level. Yes, it’s mostly just pipes with Piranha Plants, the most common enemy in the game; but this level is the apex o’ pipe arrangements, going up high & down low, some e’en floating in the air, 1 e’en embedded in the final staircase, which is a perfect way to integrate this level’s theme while creating a new twist to the common level ending.

& as an extra, before that is a mini staircase o’ pipes, all with Piranha Plants.

Monotony on the main area is spared with a sprinkling o’ brick formations & other enemies in choice places, such as Goombas & Buzzy Beetles that threaten to fall on you from high up ( that is, ’less you climb up the treacherous pipes to take that upper path ). The black evening background makes the black Buzzy Beetles feel particularly treacherous.

Monotony is spared e’en mo’ by offering not just the underworld bonus from 5-2 & the coin heaven from 3-1, but also the underground bonus rooms from 4-1 & 4-2. While this blatant copypasta would be eyebrow-raising if ’twere the normal path ( tho 5-1 also copies 4-2’s bonus room ), since it’s bonus, I don’t think it’s a problem, & I have to admire the fact that this level has the most environmental variety o’ any level — it has e’ery environment in this game but a castle.

While this level can create situations where a normal player might have to wait for Piranha Plants to go back down if they don’t have a fire flower ( if they do they can plow thru e’erything & feel great ), the situations where you are nearly forced to are surprisingly rare, while most other parts you can speed thru with just the right well-timed jumps.

I like where they hide the Yoshi egg in Super Mario Bros. Deluxe, but I don’t like how they redundantly put a red coin right next to it.

The rest are in decent places — tho I find the fact that they replace the power-up brick with a red coin in the 2nd underground bonus kinda dickish, specially since you can’t start Challenge Mode big, so there’s no way to become fiery in the Challenge Mode for this level. O well: by that point the player’s near the end, anyway. I just wish a’least 1 level put a red coin in coin heaven.

3. World 4-2

While 4-1 ramps up the difficulty with a mo’ complex enemy type in a straightforward level, 4-2 ramps up difficulty in terms o’ platforming, starting with an infamously tricky arrangement o’ blocks forcing players to run & jump onto & off small blocks & forcing players to choose aiming on a single block to jump o’er the somewhat large gap after it or run & jump off the 2-block floor o’er a wider gap.

The other famous setpiece o’ this level is the beanstalk — something you wouldn’t expect to find in a sewer. This beanstalk is trickier to get, tho, e’en if you know it’s there: in order to reach it to hit it from below, you need to hit invisible blocks, but be wary not to hit the 1 right below the beanstalk’s brick or else you’ll have a much harder time hitting the beanstalk brick. It’s admittedly a bit o’ a trial-&-error BS for new players, but assauged a bit by the fact that you can still technically hit the beanstalk brick e’en if you reveal all the invisible blocks, specially if you’re small ( which is admittedly unlikely coming right after 2 power-ups ).

This level provides a particularly interesting combination o’ repeating a pattern & twisting it: both sewer levels have warp zones, both by going o’er the top o’ the level, but this level twists it by making the main warp just go to world 5, while hiding this warp zone, using a beanstalk that was previously introduced purely for bonus games, to reach a different warp zone mo’ in line with the 1st warp zone, allowing you to skip up to 3 worlds ’gain, ’cept this warp zone has a fresh new paint job, not high up in the clouds, as would be ’bove an o’erworld level, but on the o’erworld level, which is ’bove the sewers. This warp zone & the level that comes naturally after 4-2 are the only areas that use the mushroom tileset, tying them in a way that implies that this warp zone naturally comes before 4-3 — a part o’ this mushroom forest that’d be blocked off by the entrance & exit to 4-2 if not for the beanstalk.

But, truly, all the setpieces in this level are great & memorable. I particularly want to note:

The ending with the jump under a very low ceiling, which is very easy to flub ( specially in All-Stars, with its botched brick physics that suck you in as you break them ), but which offers the trick o’ a single block down below you can jump up from ’stead.

The section low down after the final elevator with a low ceiling o’ bricks o’er a pair o’ Koopas & a power-up in the leftmost brick, which you have to follow to the end if it’s a mushroom.

All the cramped pits with Koopas & Buzzy Beetles in them ’tween pipes ( 1 o’ which gifts curious players with a Starman ).

The red coins aren’t placed all that well: the 1st & last are in places you’re likely to go, anyway. The 4th does make the kinda pointless final elevator useful, tho.

The Yoshi egg, howe’er, does a good job o’ making the hole ’tween the final upward pipe & staircase with a Buzzy Beetle inside useful for once.

2. World 4-3

Yes, I changed my mind from the article I wrote years ago. You have no idea how much I had to rewrite this & #1’s level descriptions, going back & forth — they were that close.

Despite this game taking place in the Mushroom Kingdom & having plenty o’ mushrooms in ?-blocks, the terrain is rarely composed o’ mushrooms, but more oft those contradictory blocks that are a mix o’ natural cracked rock & unnatural perfect square shape ( or grass, if playing Super Mario All-Stars ). This level & the beanstalk bonus in 4-2 are the only exceptions. Thus, this level immediately gets a major boost for having the most exotic visuals. & having much mo’ red & yellow & a li’l less brown & green certainly makes the level feel mo’ colorful than most other daytime levels, ’specially in All-Stars with the mushroom platforms in the background.

But e’en without the visuals, this level ranks high for having such an intricate layout that is entertaining just to look @, with hills going up & down, challenging players’ jumping prowess mo’ than any time before, while the scale lifts & moving elevators are placed just right to add complexity to your movement without forcing you to stop.

The level e’en rewards you for going backward with the 2nd mushroom hill, easy to forget, used for holding coins, which are ’course not necessary for beating the game, but necessary if the player wants a chance to get the hidden 1-up in world 5.

Just after the 3rd mushroom hill, you see a mushroom tower @ just the right height to stymie you. It grants alternate routes, but unlike the other levels, the alternate routes aren’t arbitrary, but have different challenges: if you go below the mushroom tower, you have to jump low ’nough not to bonk your head on it, but high ’nough to make it to the next platform under it; to go ’bove the tower, you must run & jump high ’nough to reach it.

& in this level, the red Koopa is, for once, a greater hindrance than the green Koopas, as you have to time jumps so that you don’t run into them during their patrol back & forth o’er the mushroom. Thanks to the timing & placement o’ the red Koopas on the 2nd mushroom, the jump to it will leave li’l space & time to jump o’er them before they reach you ( which is very tricky to pull off in Super Mario Bros. Deluxe, thanks to its much smaller screen, allowing e’en less reaction time ).

The ending is 1 o’ the few without the iconic staircase, replaced by a platform moving up & down. This does not make reaching the flagpole harder in the slightest, but it does make reaching the top o’ the flagpole a bit harder, & makes doing so while getting 6 fireworks much harder, which those gaming for the score medal in Super Mario Bros. Deluxe’s challenge mode will know all too well. ’Mong the 3 levels with the teetertotter scales in this game, this is the weakest ending, specially compared to 6-3’s series o’ falling platforms. I think 4-3 should’ve had a series o’ mushroom hills leading to the flagpole, since this feels mo’ in line with this level’s theme, while 6-3 should’ve kept to the falling platforms @ the end & lost the hill.

This, as well as the repetitiveness o’ the very similar last 3 scale lifts, the last 2 being the exact same, & the empty space that is the long mushroom hill before the final elevator, made this level not quite as good as the #1 spot.

The red coins are all placed well, either requiring tricky jumps or use o’ the scale lifts, or placed in easy-to-skip hills, like the bottom o’ the crowd near the middle. I’m mixed on the 1st red coin: I like the tricky jump it makes you pull off, but I don’t like how there’s a Red Koopa positioned just right on the next platform below to come in & hit you with, as far as I know, no way to jump out o’ its way in time — it reaches the very edge by the time you get there, so you either smack into it or fall off the edge. As far as I know, you have to scoot the camera o’er & wait for the Red Koopa to come into view from offscreen, which is not only slow, but also requires you to know ahead o’ time that that Koopa is there in the 1st place. Beginning players are virtually guaranteed to get killed here.

& unfortunately, the Yoshi egg is in what is perhaps the least interesting place you could put it in the level.

1. World 6-3

1st, while not as impressive as an almost-unique tileset, this level does deserve props for its unique wintry all-gray palette ( which is, devastatingly, completely lost in Super Mario All-Stars, making this level look no different from 3-3 ).

But like 4-3, this level doesn’t need good aesthetics to be good, as it has an e’en mo’ intricate layout, with e’en mo’ places where the terrain branches top & bottom — such as near the beginning where you can jump o’er the spring & leap ’long the low hills or use the spring to leap high up & use the moving platforms. & the springs & falling platforms add e’en mo’ variety than 4-3. Like with 4-3, none o’ this level’s complex layout stops you from zooming & leaping thru with minimal delay if you’re skilled ’nough.

I specially like the moving platform under the lone ?-block with a mushroom, the only power-up in this level & 1 that makes you work to earn it, specially if you’re small & it releases an antsy mushroom vulnerable to the gaping pit surrounding it on all sides.

The other highlight is the 4 succession o’ quick-falling elevators right near the end — tho I think we could’ve gone without the final hill & just stuck to the elevators, giving the player no breath before the final jump to the flagpole.

Coins are carefully placed to force you to make use of otherwise easily-skippable pieces, such as the 1st elevator, or to take risky moves, like fall down from the left side o’ the 1st scale lift or let fall the 2nd elevator platform during the final gauntlet, if the player wants a chance @ the hidden 1-up in world 7. Unlike 4-3, which pretty much forces you to wait on the left platform on the 1st scale lift to get 1 coin, this level requires much less waiting round to get all the coins, making e’en coin collection much mo’ fast-paced.

The 1 major weakness this level has compared to 4-3 is that I prefer the Red Koopas o’er the random Bullet Bills — tho actually strategically placed Bill shooters would’ve been a major improvement o’er both. That said, neither the Red Koopas in 4-3 nor the Bullet Bills here make quite ’nough o’ an impact to make up for the other differences.

The red coins in this level are devilishly placed — specially the last, which can be gotten in various tricky ways, depending on how good the player is with the physics, but was most likely meant to be gotten by letting the last platform fall low ’nough to jump & get it without bonking gainst the bottom o’ the final palm-tree platform — a case where Super Mario Bros. Deluxe takes advantage o’ the final palm-tree hill.

The Yoshi egg also adds value to an easy-to-neglect part o’ the level, hidden down @ the bottom o’ a crowd o’ hills.

Worlds from Worst to Best

As a bonus, let’s rank the worlds, too:

World 7

Putting this here is a no-brainer: 3/4 o’ its levels are in the bottom 10 & not only are 2 o’ its levels copies o’ earlier levels, but with some o’ the least changes out o’ all the clones. They’re e’en placed in the same exact sequence. That these levels were not good to begin with makes them e’en less exciting to see a 2nd time. End this world with an underwhelmingly sparse castle & you have a world far too underwhelming to be the penultimate world. The most shining part o’ this world is the 1st level, & e’en that doesn’t stand out much from earlier levels, making this whole world feel somewhat like padding before the game truly gets going in the final world.

World 5

While this world has stronger levels than e’en some later worlds, as a whole, this may be 1 o’ the most forgettable worlds in the game. Having 2 clones o’ earlier levels to top it off doesn’t help. The slight wintry touch to the palette o’ its 1st 2 levels doesn’t do much to help it stand out, either, specially since world 3 already did this with a night sky, to boot.

World 2

While this world doesn’t have the strongest levels — in fact, 2 o’ them are near the bottom — it deserves credit for keeping up the diversity o’ levels still so early in the game.

World 3

After 2 worlds full o’ new idea after new idea, world 3 starts with a new black-skied night theme — a minor palette shift, but still beyond what one might have expected @ the time. While world 3’s levels aren’t the best, there is a greater consistency o’ quality compared to worlds lower on the list.

World 1

Like world 2, the 1st world does an admirable job o’ keeping each o’ its levels feeling different from each other, when it’d be so easy to coast off the still unfamiliarity new players would have with this game to wait till later for mo’ exotic ideas. This world has much stronger levels than world 2 & somewhat better levels than world 3, which almost beat this world for this spot, howe’er.

World 4

World 4 is an interesting duality o’ quality. In fact, ’twas while writing this that I noticed how close I came to having the worst level be just after the best level if I kept 4-3 in the #1 place, as originally expected. & then you have the weak 4-1 vs. the very strong 4-2. That said, I give extra points to this world for its variety o’ memorable elements, such as the great warp zone in 4-2 & the unique mushroom-hill tileset in 4-3. E’en 4-1 has Lakitu — & hell, e’en 4-4 has the maze, as lame as it is. World 4 may be 1 o’ the most memorable worlds in the game ( which, granted, is probably helped by being the highest world you can reach from the warp zone in 1-2, making it 1 o’ the few worlds played in any% speedruns ).

World 8

A memorable end to the game, despite how monotonous its level themes can feel compared to the high variety this game reaches in most o’ its worlds. E’en if 8-1 & 8-3 aren’t the most interesting layouts, 8-1’s sheer length & 8-3’s onslaught o’ Hammer Bros & brick-wall backgrounds make them memorable, & 8-4 is 1 o’ the best o’ Mario games’ final levels.

World 6

A stealthily strong world, starting with a strong Lakitu level, followed by the ultimate pipe level, & then the ultimate level in the game. Only the castle is a low point, & e’en then, it’s far from the worst castle level. Not only does this world have the rare black-skied evening theme o’er most its levels, its 3rd level adds a unique wintry all-gray cast.