While everyone always lists Kirby’s Adventure or Kirby Super Star or Kirby’s Air Ride as their vote for the best Kirby game, my favorite is Kirby & the Amazing Mirror. Granted, I can understand why a lot o’ people may not be so fond o’ it, since what I most like ’bout it is a quality a lot o’ people seem to not like in games: deep, labyrinthine worlds full o’ hidden collectibles. A witness to this is the fact that despite Kirby Super Star’s reputation, its subgame, “The Great Cave Offensive,” which is somewhat similar to Amazing Mirror—though much mo’ linear & with treasures that lean mo’ toward the aesthetic than the technical—is oft derided as tedious, whereas I consider it my favorite.

Amazing Mirror is a “Metroidvania,” & probably the best, though largely due to a special quirk o’ Kirby games. It has some o’ the most open-ended exploration o’ any Metroidvania: after a quick intro section & the 1st boss, you can pretty much go everywhere ‘cept the final zone. You can explore the “areas”—which are mo’ loose groupings o’ rooms, since one moves ‘tween “areas” through the same simple doors one uses to move ‘tween rooms within a “area”—in any order, beat all bosses but the 1st in any order. Rather than having to collect powerups in 1 section to reach the next, & so on, all puzzles are based on what ability Kirby has, which can be found in many places. For instance, the 2nd area has a route that leads directly to the 9th & final area—in fact, the only way to reach that area. It’s mo’ a giant world than separate areas.

The reason this works so well is ’cause Kirby games are so easy that the 9th area is hardly any harder than the 2nd area. That’s the downside to open-ended games: they make difficulty curves harder to carve—& those unfortunate greenhorns who’ve stumbled wrongly through the 1st Legend of Zelda or Final Fantasy II have learned the importance o’ well-wrought difficulty curves.

That said, transport through these areas are made mo’ convenient & less repetitive by unlocking hub rooms, which lead back to the main hub where you start each game session.

As mentioned, the treasures in Amazing Mirror aren’t as interesting as getting seasonal hearts or a lucky cat or the bucket Wario drops on Mario & his friends’ heads, but they are actually useful to gameplay… sometimes. Sometimes they’re just spray cans that allow you to paint all o’er Kirby or tracks to the sound test; but some are hearts that give extra health points or maps for each area so one knows where one’s going.

Amazing Mirror also has my favorite ability o’ any game: the Smash ability, based on Kirby’s moveset from Super Smash Bros. Melee & won by beating & eating a Master Hand miniboss, which allows Kirby to do an upper cutter that can release a blade wave quite a distance forward & reach quite high up, a side hammer swipe that can break strong blocks to the side, & a downward stone ability that allows one to break strong blocks downward. The only ability mo’ robust for solving puzzles is Meta Knight’s sword, gotten after beating the game; & there is only 1 or 2 puzzles in the entire game that can’t be solved with Smash.

Amazing Mirror also had great aesthetics. The backgrounds are painterly beautiful (‘specially “Carrot Castle”’s & “Candy Constellation”’s & the sprites are fluidly cartoony without being crude.

Its music is some o’ my favorite Kirby music, with the following highlights:

• Rainbow Route
• Cabbage Cave (a remix o’ the “Forest” theme from Kirby’s Adventure that’s much better than the terrible Nightmare in Dream Land version)
• Olive Ocean
• Candy Constellation
• Hub
• Moonlight Mansion & Carrot Castle
• Pepperment Palace

Man, why is everyone wasting their time talking ’bout some conspiracy ’bout some random woman fucking some random guy @ some magazine or website I’ve ne’er cared ’bout when there’s much mo’ potent (albeit, not exactly life-threatening) corruption in web hosting.

You e’er read web host reviews & notice the sheer # that offer coupons & admit to getting commissions from web hosts? This is funny to me, ’cause I always thought rule #1 o’ serious review sites was not to take payment from the people you’re reviewing.

It’s not that nobody’s talking ’bout it (there’s nothing that nobody’s talking ’bout). I found 3 easily–Research as a Hobby, Digital FAQ, & Review Hell–which talk all ’bout EIG & how corrupt they are, yadda yadda. But here’s the funny thing: they all take commissions from web hosts, too.

Research as a Hobby:

So if my hobby can bring me even a little extra income, that will be great and will motivate me to prepare and put the results of my analysis on this website (and it is really time-consuming although pleasant work).

That’s why some links on my website that are affiliate. It means that if you make a purchase following these links, there are chances that I will get some compensation. This compensation is paid by the company where the purchase is made.

Digital FAQ:

If one of our suggested hosts has an affiliate program, great, we join it, and the funds are used to support the costs of maintaining this site. If not, oh well, good is good, and they still get our suggestion.

Review Hell:

Review Hell may receive commissions from sales generated through this site.

Note that I understand that they don’t make as much money, still recommend hosts that don’t provide commissions, & thus aren’t as bad as the worst offenders. & they–‘specially Research as a Hobby & Digital FAQ–do still provide interesting info, such as Digital FAQ’s guide that explains o’erselling, & why it’s important, economically, for all hosts to do it. Still, it just kind o’ bums me out that I couldn’t find 1 review site that doesn’t accept commissions. I mean, yeah, Digital FAQ only made $5 from EuroVPS; but you could flip that round & ask, ¿was that $5 worth losing the ability to say in loud colors, “We accept no commissions; we are 100% independent”? Just a lament.

The Marxist/savvy businessman¹ in me might say that this tendency toward corruption is a natural outcome o’ steeply rising competition as people scramble to keep themselves economically ‘bove the surface by any means possible… But I’m narcissistic, so I’ll just bitch ’bout how I’ll ne’er know a good way to find out whether I should go with BadassHost or FuckYeahHost without shelling $5-15 a’least once. ¿& who has that kind o’ money?

Obviously I ought to start offering glowing reviews for HostGator & Bluehost–for a fair commission, ‘course–& then add all those tacky ads offering weight loss tips & articles ’bout zany motor homes. Hey, I have to make a living somehow.

---

Footnotes:

[1] The slim difference ‘tween Marxists & a savvy businessperson: a Marxist says, “The corrupt capitalists are fucking o’er the working class, ¡& we must stop them!” The wise businessperson says: “The corrupt capitalists are fucking o’er the working class, ¡& I gotta get in on that!”

I promised I’d bring mo’ Reddit, & I brought mo’ Reddit.

Somebody posts some seemingly innocuous thread wherein they talk ’bout some “open day” wherein the self-decribed elitist SomethingAwful forums allowed the rest o’ us poor bums too cheap to pay $10 to read the entire archives. It then immediately devolves into some purple-Kool-Aid shit, completely lacking any irony @ all:

And it gets worse: organizations affiliated with SA have been outed as CIA fronts. and the founder, Richard “Lowtax” Kyanka has admitted to multiple meetings with Obama’s security team.

Follow that link to see a generic gaming website (this 1 clearly understanding the absurdity & clearly playing it for laughs) quoting the reputable source, Glenn Beck, who is an expert in all those hip young internets, yo. Nowhere does this article quote best-capitalist-supervillain-name-e’er, Richard “Lowtax” Kyanka acknowledging this other claim–but we should just assume it’s true, since rational people assume exceptional events all the time.

Then someone proves that SomethingAwful is truly a Satanic cult through exactly 1 anonymous testimony wherein some guy claims to have been hypnotized into Hollywood psychological problems by lame memes.

Also, apparently “Lowtax” uses those $10 for a secret Swiss bank to buy mail-order brides & Aeron chairs. How the latter is a conspiracy, I’m not sure. ¡True Americans buy Eames Lounge!

There’s also the tedious shit ’bout “SJWs,” which is just the modern version o’ your cranky grandpa bitching ’bout the pinkos everywhere in this neighborhood–¡Things were better in good ol’ ’02, dang nab it!

Mo’ strange was this comment:

Aye. I think someone made a list of the usernames Quinn, Nyberg, Spacedad, AMIB and others used on SA. Should be interesting doing a search and archiving what you find.

Nothing’s mo’ interesting than random usernames. I know I always spend my weekends surfing through WordPress to see all the zany usernames people picked.

It’s par for the course when you try to investigate the SJWs on SA.

That’s vaguely creepy.

Yes, it’s important that we investigate the infamous “Spacedad”–the Che Guevara o’ our time.

O, shit, this is some GG shit. Ne’er mind. Jesus, ¿How’d you break my already-low expectations? I thought this was just some crazies coming out o’ the woodwork seeing an opportunity to come out & fuck round for shits & grins; not some superserious spy fantasy wherein James Bond stops the infamous Spacedad from shooting the earth down from his moon base with anthologies o’ Anne Sexton poetry.

Or as it’s called in Europe, Game & Watch Gallery Advance.

Before 4 e’en came out I enjoyed the 1st 3 for the Game Boy & Game Boy Color, & have fond memories o’ playing 3 while sick with the flu when very young.

I’ll admit I ne’er liked the classic versions o’ the games. It’s not just the fact that the music is just constant beeps & the graphics were pure black & white: the classic versions were so sparse to the point o’ making gameplay worse. Slow & jerky animation does not fit fast-paced action games well. Here it oft led to uncertainty o’er whether or not an action would be disastrous. “Helmet”’s a perfect example: when the raining junk falls in showers, one has no choice but to slip past some junk when its @ the bottom, which is risky, since due to the animation delay, one has no way to tell when that piece o’ junk will fall the next step & clock your character or won’t. Also, the shadows that signified other frames not used could be quite distracting & could be hard to tell from the filled-in frames. The modern versions also add li’l breaks & gameplay changes, such as bonuses one can get for playing well, that help break up the monotony o’ trying to get 1000 points in 1 playthrough. Said bonuses also make the points come mo’ quickly, which makes things less tedious as well.

That said, aesthetics are something worth mentioning. The graphics aren’t exactly stellar—though I found 4’s graphics to be rather colorful—but the music is quite catchy & underrated. I’d recommend trying some o’ them—’specially “Mario Bros.”, “Donkey Kong”, & “Rain Shower.”

Then ‘gain, admittedly, the modern versions oft strayed from the subject in which the game was named. “Mario’s Cement Factory” actually becomes a cookie factory; in “Fire Attack” you’re not being attacked by fire thrown by stereotypical depictions o’ Native Americans but by Bob-Ombs & Bullet Bills; & rain’s not the problem in “Rain Shower,” but paint balls being tossed by Bowser, who just loves to fuck round with everyone else for no reason, kingly responsibilities be damned. On the flip, though, I usually found these changes funner. ¿Who wouldn’t rather bake cookies that fill cement? ¿Who wouldn’t rather have colorful paint—with the different colors acting as helpful determiners for where they’re being thrown, too—o’er plain rain?

Game & Watch Gallery 4 rehashed a lot o’ modern games from the 1st 3—the most memorable, like “Fire,” “Mario Bros.,” “Chef,” “Donkey Kong,” & “Donkey Kong Jr.” The graphics & music were mostly the same—just higher quality. That said, 4 a’least rehashed the best, while leaving ‘hind most o’ the less memorable. It also had ’bout twice as many modern games, & probably mo’ than double the classic games, since it has an unlockable museum full o’ e’en mo’ classic games. Its new recreations are also better than 2 & 3’s, with “Rain Shower,” “Mario’s Cement Factory,” & “Boxing” being particular favorites. I’d like to think o’ 4 as the greatest hits o’ the series—which is fitting, since ’twas the last (no, I don’t count those sad ‘scuses, Game & Watch Collection 1 & 2 for the DS).

---

The Games

Fire

This is the 1st I e’er played when truly young, on the 1st Game & Watch Gallery, & is the 1st I think o’ when I think o’ Game & Watch games.

Move Mario & Luigi holding the safety net left & right with the control pad or A & B to keep the infinite crowd o’ Toads, Yoshis, & DK Jrs. falling out o’ the burning castle from smashing into the ground, bouncing them ‘long the way to the carriage, which apparently has an unlimited capacity. Toads are the lightest, & thus spend the most time up in the air ‘tween landings; DK Jrs. are the heaviest, & thus fall back down mo’ frequently.

Despite the simplicity o’ this game, I think it may be 1 o’ the hardest: there are just so many that bounce round, forcing you to go back & forth to ensure you’re there when each character’s heading for the ground. It can also be hard to eyeball which o’ the many simultaneously-falling characters will hit the ground 1st; many times I move to save 1 character only for 1 character to hit the ground before. & sometimes characters will hit the ground @ the same time, forcing you to shift from 1 spot to ‘nother in 1 instant. Requires lightning reflexes.

Boxing

This 1, on the other hand, is stupidly easy to get 1000 points thanks to the AI’s sluggish movement. Just aim Luigi’s fists with the control pad & press A to punch your enemy’s face or stomach, aiming round their blocking fists while positioning one’s own fists to block one’s enemy’s attacks.

1st one fights Wiggler, then Big Boo, then Waluigi, & then it cycles back round. Beat 5 cycles to get all 5 stars—remarkably short compared to the 1000 points required in all the other games. I guess the fact that 1 loss causes automatic game o’er makes it a li’l harder—but consider how much harder it is to die in this game than every other, this is still unquestionably the easiest in the game.

Boxing’s hard mode is replaced by a 2-player mode, which means that if you’re playing the Virtual Console version or don’t have the means to play this 2-player, you’re screwed out o’ those 5 stars. However, if you can play 2-player, getting those 5 stars is easier than anything else in this game: just play 5 rounds. You don’t e’en have to win.

This is a new modern version, though the classic version appears in the 1st Game & Watch Gallery as an unlockable.

Rain Shower

Move the characters sitting on swings to avoid getting them splashed by the paint balls Bowser flings round. Colors indicate the position each ball will fall: green is nearest to the center, purple 2nd, black 3rd, & then blue 4th. As the game goes on, mo’ characters join swings to make things harder.

Like with many o’ these games, the main challenge comes from keeping track o’ so many things @ once while things are going quickly: you can only move lines on which characters are sitting left & right, & 2 lines stack ‘bove each other, as well as there being 2 sides for a sum o’ 4. One has to time shifting lines so that paint balls fall in holes ‘tween characters on both sides, which can be hard to keep track o’ & time when Bowser flings paint o’ varying positions all o’er, forcing one to jump all round. Not as hard as “Fire,” but close.

After every 100 points, the season changes & Mario can hit a switch to turn all paint balls being thrown into coins for quite a lot o’ points—as well as a breather.

‘Nother new modern version, though its classic version appears as an unlockable in 2.

Mario’s Cement Factory

Move Mario ‘long rising & falling elevators to reach switches to move batter ‘long 2 sets o’ pumps down to Toad or Yoshi without falling off an elevator (or letting it bump Mario’s head on the ceiling) or letting any pump fill up with mo’ than 3 batter piles. Complicating things are the boos that sneak into pumps out o’ nowhere, taking up batter space.

Despite all that, this 1 isn’t that hard, e’en with the limited mobility caused by the uncontrollable elevators. E’en @ its hardest, things move rather slowly, usually giving you plenty o’ time to react. Actually, the most problems probably come from trying to rush too much & o’ershooting elevators rather than from letting pumps get too full.

‘Nother new modern version, though the classic version appears in the 1st Game & Watch Gallery as an unlockable.

Donkey Kong Jr.

If you’re familiar with Donkey Kong Jr. for the arcade or NES, this is somewhat similar: move up each area & reach DK’s cage 4 times to free him & move on to the next level, while dodging (or landing on) the Goombas, Koopas, & Bullet Bills. Like in the original, you’ll sometimes have to move ‘long vines, which work similar to how they did in the original.

There are 3 levels: cave & grassland, sunset cliff full o’ vines, & starry cloud area. It then cycles from there.

This modern version 1st appeared in 3.

Donkey Kong 3

As Mario you must shoot bubbles in 3 rows to push the fireballs & boos toward DK while he does the same. In the meantime, you also have to take the time to keep your water pump full o’ water to have ammo. To win a round, have DK get hit by a fireball or boo, & gain a bunch o’ points; however, if you get hit, you lose a round. Lose 3 rounds & game o’er. The fireballs usually stay in place, while the boos will slowly float toward the player they’re nearest & sometimes block bubbles.

For some reason I remember this game being hard to do well in; but ‘pon recently trying it I found I was able to climb up into the 1500s without e’en trying. I think the trick is to just spurt bubbles as much as possible to get as much general pushback as possible & not to think too hard ’bout things & possibly miss falling ammo or chances to shoot. Though it seems that strategy is queen here, it’s actually mo’ reflexes. For instance, I found that grabbing every water drop & shooting straight in the middle every instant I can wins ’bout 4/5 times.

“Donkey Kong 3”’s B mode is & has always been 1 o’ the easiest in which to get 5 stars… if you have 2-player capability (sorry Virtual Console users).

Not only is this a new modern version, the classic version hadn’t e’en appeared in the series till 4.

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Unlockable Games

You start with the 1st 5 games available, but have to unlock the other 5 by collecting stars.

Chef

As Peach, catch the sunny-side eggs, fish, steak, lobster, & peppers that Mario & Luigi lazily just fling ‘hind them on her frying pan to heat them &, when they’re golden brown, let it fall where Yoshi’s standing so he eats it to get points. You get mo’ points if it’s golden brown, less points if you don’t cook it ‘nough or if it’s cooked so much that it’s burnt. Letting food hit the floor makes you lose a life.

Every 200 points the background switches back & forth from the initial kitchen to the courtyard.

Unlocked by getting 5 stars from any games.

This modern version 1st appeared in 2.

Mario Bros.

Move Mario up & down with the control pad & Luigi up & down with A & B to catch the cakes as they go up—or down if Bowser, the worst supervisor in the world, flips the switch just to be a dick—the conveyor belt. If they reach the truck Wario’s driving, you get a lot o’ points, while if they fall off, you lose a life.

I’d put this @ medium-level difficulty. I’ve gotten 5 stars in this on easy before, & mo’ than half in hard, but it’s not always guaranteed for me, like with “Mario’s Cement Factory,” & is much easier than “Fire” or “Donkey Kong 3.”

Unlocked by getting 20 stars from any games.

This modern version 1st appeared in 3.

Donkey Kong

Like “Donkey Kong Jr.,” this is similar to the original arcade game, but simplified: reach the top to save Peach without getting hit by barrels or other enemies.

A safer, but mo’ tedious, way to get points in this game is simply to wait @ the start & keep jumping o’er the barrels, since unlike the classic version or the original arcade game, there’s no fire-spurting oil can @ the start.

Unlocked by getting 35 stars from any games.

The modern version o’ this 1st appeared in 2.

Octopus

Move down the rope & ‘long the ground toward the treasure chest to grab money while dodging the octopus’s tentacles. The mo’ money you grab, the mo’ points you get ‘pon returning to the boat @ the top, where greedy but lazy Peach awaits; however, the mo’ money you have, the mo’ your movements are slowed.

Don’t wait too long in the safe boat, by the way: Peach is an asshole & pushes you out if you wait too long—e’en if a tentacle is right @ the start o’ the rope.

A rather difficult game, ‘specially if one’s impatient. What’s worse, there’s a luck factor to the octopus’s tentacle movement. I’m quite certain it’s possible to get boxed in right next to the chest with no way to ‘scape being grabbed.

Unlocked by getting 50 stars from any games.

This modern version 1st appeared in 1.

Fire Attack

As Wario, guard the 4 corners o’ your house from Bob-Ombs & Bullet Bills while eating tomatoes for extra points. 1 o’ the easiest, which makes me wonder why it’s the last to be unlocked.

Unlocked by getting 65 stars from any games.

New modern version; but the classic version appeared in 1.

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As you collect stars, you also unlock a museum & games in that. 1st you can only unlock games to look @; but later you unlock the ability to play the classic version. ‘Course, they’re not as fun as any o’ the modern games; but the last 1 you unlock, The Legend of Zelda, does have to be the best ‘mong all the classic Game & Watch games. If only they made a modern version o’ it… Maybe if Haley’s comet hits a lottery winner & Nintendo gets round to making Game & Watch Gallery 5—&, ‘gain, not that waste o’ cartridge space that is those Game & Watch Collection games.

Ugh. Mo’ #’d lists. But this 1’s hilarious–‘cept for those god-awfully trite zany images–in that it completely lacks self-awareness.

Let’s hurry past the glaring but trite acknowledgement that this site’s name, “Rebel Circus,” is trying to hard to be random humor & lacks the self-awareness to use the word “rebel” to describe 1 o’ the million manufactured Buzzfeed wannabes pumped full o’ tacky ads ’bout weight loss. But let’s do please laugh @ the hubris in the line in the typical spam invite @ the bottom offering to send you “the stories everyone is talking about” (e’en though you can clearly get them without signing up)–& Not just ’cause this phrase is cliche to the point o’ meaning nothing to most people.

Anyway, let’s see this writer show us what they think is “socially retarded”:

1. You always hold the door open for people when there’s an awkward distance between you and them.

As opposed to meticulously measuring the distance ‘tween you & the other person to ensure that it precisely fits some imagined interval o’ proper distance–what all the normal people do, ‘course.

Nothing’s funnier than stick figures copied straight from The Oatmeal making exaggerated facial expressions that just make them look like they’re having aneurysms. That ne’er gets ol’–¡nope!

2. You hum along to elevator music that doesn’t exist when you’re in an elevator with a stranger.

It exists now, motherfucker, ¡I’m making it!

That’s not “socially retarded”; that’s just annoying, & something quite a lot o’ people do (e’en though it’s annoying). That’s like calling littering “socially retarded.”

3. You never know if you should handshake or fist pound, and you usually switch it up right in the middle. Thus, ruining everything.

Nobody does this. No one this socially incapacitated would e’en think to fist bump, so I think there’s clearly some research failures going on in this scientific treatise.

That said, I do sincerely like the high drama o’ the line, “Thus, ruining everything.” It’s the comma that makes it special–like a line out o’ the Bible.

4. You will think about something in your mind for a few minutes, then randomly burst out with your final thought. “That’s why I can’t stand TiVo!”

That’s also something nobody does, & is also something mo’ annoying than truly debilitating. I can’t see how this impairs someone so much that they truly have trouble surviving in the social world.

I love how the animated GIF that looks like it was made with the same technology from which Donkey Kong Country got its graphics (& wisely traded those silly extra colors that actual reality uses so they can show the character’s mouth move up & down a li’l–¡which is o’ utmost importance!) initially had its vitally important text covered by an ad–’cause there weren’t ‘nough o’ those. Honestly, considering how bad this content is, I don’t know why the whole site isn’t just ads. I can’t see how’d be any less entertaining, & it couldn’t hurt ad revenue, ‘least, & might e’en improve it. I’ve intentionally watched ads before. & honestly, that ad showing a picture that looks like it came from some Victorian softcore porn trying to entice me into reading info ’bout old-fashioned hygiene tactics that are “gross” interests me mo’, simply from bile fascination.

5. When you order food, you’re too embarrassed to ask them to repeat your order, and you just eat whatever you get.

Eh, fair ‘nough.

6. When you see someone you don’t know from far away, you practice your greeting about 14 times before you two meet. Only to say “hey what’s up!”

That must get mentally exhausting in crowded cities. OK, I can see this significantly hindering one’s ability to function in society.

‘Course, I’m skeptical o’ a socially debilitated person not, you know, just not interacting with someone they don’t know as much as possible–almost to the point that I think the writer just made this shit up in their head without e’en considering how it might actual work in reality… But nitpicks.

What’s much mo’ socially problematic is this SNES-quality animated GIF showing this bug-eyed woman glancing back & forth @ this mohawked guy giving somebody offscreen a blowjob. ¡Give some people privacy, Madame!

7. You trip over things, and begin to examine the culprit as if it was done on purpose.

I’m not e’en sure what that’s s’posed to mean. ¿You mean these people trip on a bottle o’ booze left on the curb & then stop & waggle their finger @ it, saying, “Naughty, naught, beer bottle.” That’s not socially inept–that’s just plain inept. I wouldn’t trust that person ‘lone with a can opener, much less in public.

It’s good to see that their best example was Rafari from The Lion King, in what was clearly a deleted scene from an earlier version wherein Simba’s the one who dies. Whether this would become a comedy o’ the problems Rafari’s social ineptness causes or a tragedy o’ the struggles o’ social ineptness, we’ll ne’er know.

8. Either that, or you laugh before anyone else does.

I actually took a break while this 1 loaded, so when I 1st read it I was confused. It seemed mo’ like the writer was the nutjob.

The irony is that most people who actually have social awareness know that the majority don’t give that many shits ’bout what other people do, whether they laugh a few seconds before others or anything else, ’cause we’re all narcissists who think mostly ’bout how we’re doing. It is, ironically, the people who focus so much on whether they laughed too early or too late that are probably the less socially adjusted.

I mean, ¿why talk ’bout that when you could talk ’bout this crazy fucker who just gets enraged by long brown hair taking up half his camera space?

¿Whence come these fucked up images, anyway? I’m mo’ interested in trying to imagine the process by which these videos were taken than these trite lines pooped out in seconds. ¿Was there a director somewhere offscreen telling this guy, “OK, now I need you to imagine your bowels suddenly imploded on themselves.”? ¿Or was there some convoluted logic that ‘scapes me that led this man to believe that expression he made emoted any kind o’ useful body language @ all?

9. Your Facebook statuses are literally never funny to anybody but you.

We can clearly see that this writer has a low bar for “socially inept to the extent o’ having serious trouble surviving in the social world.” That’s like calling the average person bad @ math regular ol’ “retarded.”

¿& why after all those crazy pictures before do we have this average person with a normal, if albeit plastic, smile with no text? ¿What’s socially inept ’bout this?

10. When you make eye contact with someone, and they catch you, you pretend like they’re eye sight is bad and they actually saw nothing.

I don’t know much ’bout social ineptitude, but I can say that 1 sign o’ regular ol’ ineptitude is writing shit that’s so grammatically bunch-fucked that it’s not e’en sensical. I think you’ve actually gone beyond “socially retarded” when you start pretending that other people are bad eyesights; those motherfuckers are just headlight-headed crazy.

11…

No… ¿What’s wrong with just 10? If it’s good ‘nough for Letterman, it’s good ‘nough for you uppedy bastards.

I think you’ve made your point quite well, brain-damaged Jerry Seinfeld: if you do anything slightly off… Well, let’s list it somewhere, ’cause we have filler to fill–¡Fill! ¡Fill! ¡Fill!

¿How do I keep stumbling on all this useless shit?

O, yeah: Google. Fuck you, Google. Maybe you should retire that whole web search thing you’re not very good @ anymo’ & focus mo’ on self-driving cars or other zany shit that I can’t e’en find by searching ’cause Google’s search sucks so much that it gives me websites that take fore’er to load & fill my browser with tacky pop-ups & chopped up into a million pages that take fore’er to load &, O god, just stop sucking websites, please.

I’m not e’en going to bother revising this article. If none o’ you idiots–I blame all o’ you, everyone collectively, like a good communist–can be bothered to make your websites halfway readable without the need for headache medicine, I don’t need to bother ensuring I didn’t make a typo on any o’ the HTML code for those zany upside down ?s or !s I used. You’re just going to have to figure out what “&iquestl” means.

Addendum:

Sorry, 1 last tangent to the list o’ many: check out Reddit’s patented triteness that somehow still stays amusing (I ought to do a bunch o’ articles on Reddit–it’d be much mo’ interesting than these filler farms). Summary: somebody narcissistically tells the whole world he thinks he’s socially inept for slight problems–which is, to be fair, quite socially inept in itself, since most people don’t go round advertising their personal problems to the public. The 1st reply diagnoses him with autism, ’cause that’s just what everyone has, I guess. No self-awareness from any.

I ‘specially loved this line from someone else:

Being socially retarded is understandable, these creatures behavior is quite the conundrum.

Beware o’ creatures behavior, everyone.

Closing time—
ant leaves its home &
gets to work.

& then I said,

hush now while I study crumpled leaves.

Too much time I’ve wasted ‘way from weeds.

& then I thought,

¿what is it ‘gain I required to need?

Awkward words won’t let me better be.

& then I’d seen:

Summer garbed in tombstone. & in medias day,

Pepto-dysmal fixes rest to lay.

I shall admit:

sometimes poison hurts my stomach;

guess that means it’s just time to pump it.

summer rain—
June bugs left with just
dot dot dot

Uh huh. That’s right:

I played emo music in the public,

private.

I’m a socialist, Smirnoff. Hic.

If you don’t know about the tavern,

then it is time.

SI PUEDO OBTENER MIS DIAS PERDIDOS DE NUEVO,

¿PUEDO USARLOS VOLVER AL CAMINO?

NEIN.

Not much time…

dot dot dot
thermometer falls—
summer breeze

No tea leaves will feed this thirst.

Can’t keep back this damn dam’s burst.

So much wasted water works.

Should have bought electric 1st.

Great wall noise. Keep out beasts.

Don’t use voice. Reddened crease.

Hard skinned kois. Itchy spring.

Have no choice what summer brings.

We’re rolling suicide, session 3. ¿Are we recording?

¿What? No, Spivak, just—just press this button her—shit. No, not that button. God, no. (Laugh). You almost fucked up the recording, ¿you know that?

«(Laughs). I’m sorry, androgyn. I didn’t know.»

Yeah, be careful with that, ¿OK?

«(Laughs). That would’ve been so bad if that happened…»

Autumnal June—
gray’s back in cement
catching up…

Due to the success¹ o’ my recent review o’ a review, I decided to do ‘nother o’ an e’en mo’ ridiculous review I read a while ago.

I read ’bout this book by a guy whose name, Moviebob, is vaguely familiar to me—I guess he’s ‘nother 1 o’ those video reviewers &/or Let’s Players—that is described in some places as being like a “Let’s Play” in written form—which, now that I think ’bout it, is actually Let’s Play in its original form, if one actually knows the history o’ its development @ Something Awful…

But this seemed to be a mo’ in-depth, descriptive version, which interested me. I actually experimented with the idea o’ creating haiku or poems or stories that try to depict video game levels in words. However, sites like Fangamer, where it’s sold, & Good Reads seem to rate the book rather lowly, which makes me wary to pay $8, ’cause I’m cheap.

I thought I’d try stand-‘lone reviews, since I for some reason thought they’d be mo’… I dunno, ¿high quality? I can’t imagine why, considering my low satisfaction with reviews from high-profile gaming websites, whether it be Jeremy Parish @ 1up showing the world he thinks Donkey Kong Country demands you to collect every banana to get 100% or some creep @ Destructoid dedicating an entire review o’ Shantae & the Pirate’s Curse to telling the whole world how much he likes to masturbate to a pixelated middle-eastern stereotype dance & li’l ’bout the actual game’s gameplay.

But this review makes those look like they were written by Roger Ebert… or, a’least a Roger Ebert that actually liked video games & respected them as art.

I don’t know whether I should’ve been tipped off 1st when I realized this website was named “Reaxxion” (Tip: if you want to look badass, don’t take techniques from Linkin Park) or the fact that the page opened with 1 o’ those o’erused popups that pretends its not a popup asking me to sign up to receive their junk mail—I mean, find out the ¡3 ways I’m being lied to by the lamestream media, man! & this truly is the “lamestream” media, ’cause only the most bored fucks in the world would give a shit ’bout media surrounding electronic toys (which is why I’m dedicating an article to it). Maybe it should’ve been the fact that the reviewer’s image is a hand holding a gun & a personal description, “Just a man who isn’t sure if he wants to save the Princess or watch the Kingdom burn.” I hope you’re strapped up for some ¡edgy shit, yo!

O, but lets get into the review itself:

In much the same way a T-bone steak can be hard to properly grill, this is a hard book to review.

(Laughs). There are a list o’ trite ways to open a review that make me instantly groan, & a simile or metaphor is right up there with a famous quote.

Just as a T-bone steak is really two smaller steaks, this book is really two smaller books in one.

I think the way to make this immensely arduous task o’ reviewing a book that is truly 2 smaller books would be to review the book like one would review 2 smaller books. I’d hate to see this guy try reviewing Super Mario All-Stars: “¡I don’t get it! It’s just 1 game, but then it’s got many games in it. ¡What insanity!”

But apparently his solution is to start with good ol’ ad hominem attacks. & this is where the review, for me, veered from the tedious sloppiness o’ most o’ the web to “¿What the fuck’s this reviewer’s problem?” ¿You know what I want to know most before I read a book ’bout Super Mario Bros. 3? “¿What’s the writer’s political views? ¿Are they idiotic?” (Note: reviewer doesn’t elaborate on how Moviebob’s political views are “idiotic”) “¿What’s their views on some random woman who made some videos ’bout video games & some random people who obsessively hate her?”

Nowhere does this reviewer e’er state that Moviebob’s political/feminist views play a large part in this book ’bout a video game in which an Italian plumber hops on turtles in a fungal realm with sapient hills & clouds, nor do any other reviewers. ¡I’m almost o’ the belief that they hardly show up @ all!² Which makes me wonder why this reviewer brought up the subject @ all.

But let’s give this reviewer credit: he didn’t let vaguely idiotic political views or vaguely shitty behavior toward people who don’t agree with them hurt his professionalism, so he admits that he liked “some of [Moviebob’s] videos.” Which videos, he doesn’t say, ‘course. The point is that he wants to emphasize how much he doesn’t let Moviebob’s unrelated political views affect how much he likes or dislikes a book ’bout Mario, which is, ‘course, why he brings it up constantly. ‘Cause logic.

All right, so we’re 3 paragraphs in, & no relevant info has been given. If this were 1 o’ those corrupt lamestream websites ’bout video games with those corrupt editors, they might ask the reviewer to cut out such filler. But let’s give this review a chance: e’en The Grapes of Wrath takes a while to get good.

In the first main part Bob goes through a rather short history of Mario. It’s decent but forgettable as it’s nothing a Mario fan, even a casual one, isn’t likely to know.

All right, so we have actual relevant analysis. Granted, it’s not a crime that’s bad ‘nough to be “disappointing,” since pretty much any book o’ this type would probably have something like this for completion’s sake.

& then it veers back into ad hominem. He calls it “cringe worthy [sic]” that Moviebob as a teen refused to accept that the Super Mario Bros. movie was shitty & that he was disappointed ’bout Yoshi’s Island establishing Mario & Luigi being born in The Mushroom Kingdom ‘stead o’ Brooklyn. Considering there are adults that still obsess o’er these things, I think Moviebob looks good in comparison.

The rest of this section really doesn’t have that much to do with Mario. He goes on to basically give a short life story. I for one didn’t care for this bait and switch on Bob’s part. Just because no one in their right mind would pay to read your autobiography doesn’t mean you need to sneak that crap into a book on Mario 3.

(Laughs.) Well, I, for 1, don’t care for your bait-&-switch: just ’cause no one in their right mind would e’en load the page for free to see you rant ’bout wimpy feminist dorks doesn’t mean you need to sneak that crap into a review ’bout a book on Mario 3.

I’m sorry: Moviebob’s “idiotic” political views do push themselves in, apparently, when he mentions being punished for badly reviewing The Passion of Christ. This discussion takes up ’bout a page—less than 1% o’ the book.

The reviewer says we should assume that ’twas Moviebob’s fault due to “shitty behavior” that still goes unexplained, but we shouldn’t assume that the people who received this “shitty behavior” from Moviebob that this reviewer elides to didn’t do something to deserve it.

I mean, if we wanted to get into ad hominem attacks, this is the worst website to do it on, considering how controversial its owner is. ¿Why shouldn’t I assume these people aren’t making up these stories o’ “shitty behavior” & aren’t just writing this as a hit piece gainst someone with a different ideology? Nothing like Big Rigs calling Sonic 2006 shit.

The problem is, unlike this review, Moviebob ne’er hides this “bait-&-switch”: the Fangamer description clearly states, “A history of the Super Mario franchise, and of the author’s own history growing up alongside the legendary series [emphasis mine].” & that’s exactly what he does: most o’ it is him (admittedly babbling tritely) ’bout his experiences growing up with Mario. It also only takes up ’bout a 4th o’ the book, while taking up the majority o’ this review.

I actually had mixed views ’bout the way Moviebob handled this book. I actually prefer the personal aspects, since they weren’t just an inferior version o’ the Mario Wiki. After all, the only thing that makes this book different from the millions o’ other works ’bout Super Mario Bros. 3 is the fact that it’s written by him. On the other hand… yeah, it does get a li’l self-pitying—though, ironically, for the opposite reason this reviewer gives. The truth is, looking @ Moviebob’s description o’ his life… he seems perfectly ordinary. His worst problems growing up were apparently having ADD, getting mediocre grades, & being looked @ as uncool as a kid. So, he’s basically like a million other middle class white nerds. ¡The scandal!

This reviewer, meanwhile, has the opposite view: he praises the bland encyclopedic parts, while expressing his disgust @ the fact that Moviebob mentions anything ’bout things that actual adults deal with, like dying grandparents or buying a house… which ironically makes Moviebob look like the normal adult & this reviewer look like the weird 1… ‘cept he’s the one calling the other weird. So, he’s not only stupidly reviewing a book ’cause he doesn’t like people who mention having dying grandparents, he’s also doing so with no self-awareness.

& then we have this:

What sort of mental state leaves a person so afraid of having a little downtime?

One that isn’t a lazy bum.

I’m reminded of that line from a song by Pink: “The quiet scares me cause it screams the truth.”

(Laughs). So deep.

& then we get the conclusion, where he states that the book’s only problem apparently is that Moviebob is a “self-righteous socialist asshole,” unlike a self-righteous MRA asshole, like him. I want you to keep this point in mind for the next few parts.

The key point:

When he’s actually on topic it’s a decent read, but when he’s describing the hot mess that is his life it’s terrible. And why wouldn’t his life be a mess? He’s a social justice warrior. The whole social justice philosophy is all about embracing loserhood.

¿Did I read the same book this reviewer did? ‘Cause if so, this reviewer is apparently so privileged that middle-class-raised media reviewers who have family members who die & who got mediocre grades & were looked down @ as “uncool” in school are “hot messes.” Man, if that’s what he thinks a “hot mess” is, he should meet some o’ the people I’ve known—& they don’t e’en whine as much ’bout their problems.

I’m sorry, but I can’t imagine an MRA, or anyone, writing a book ’bout Super Mario Bros. 3 & not look like a loser. If he wants to read ’bout badasses with guns for dicks who ride hearses made o’ $ million bills, Fangamer isn’t the place to look, bud.

I would almost, and I stress ALMOST, recommend this book to all my fellow nerds. It could inspire you. Inspire you to hit the gym, ask that cute girl you know out, go in for that promotion at work.

OK, ¿now what relevance does this have to Super Mario Bros. 3? You were complaining ’bout how this is a bad book ’bout Super Mario Bros. 3, ¿but recommend that he work out? That’s sort o’ like how I become better @ reviewing rock music by entering hot-dog-eating contests. Maybe if this reviewer spent less time “hitting the gym,” as he claims, & returned to high school to learn how to construct coherent ideas he could write a better review.

I want to remind you that this reviewer criticized Moviebob for being “self-righteous” while anal-retentively scrutinizing him for not sharing specific personal interests that are completely irrelevant to the book he’s reviewing—¡’cause that’s totally tolerant & e’en-minded! That’s kind o’ like how I only read books written by people who have Black Sabbath on their MP3 playlist.

After all, you don’t want to end up like Movie Bob do you?

Wait, ¿is the crux o’ his review that this book is bad ’cause Moviebob’s fat? ¿Is that why he needs to “hit the gym”? ¿So the reviewer doesn’t have to imagine a fat guy tapping fingers on a keyboard whenever he reads this? Man, I’d hate to see his review o’ The Game o’ Thrones.

So, after… that, I was so intrigued by what a peculiar mess this review was & looked up this site & saw that it’s pretty much a half-assed “moral substitute” to the evil “liberal-biased” video game media that claims to be “fair-&-balanced,” while being e’en mo’ biased & worse than the mainstream. ¿Rememeber when Kotaku dedicated an entire review o’ a video game to how terrible ’twas ’cause its creator had a penis? ¿Remember when 1up panned a game ’cause its developers went bowling on Sundays.

But we’re not done laughing: this website has a set o’ community commandments that members o’ the cult must chant if they want to be allowed to write for such a prestigious establishment. I can only imagine that the writers here then go on to bitch ’bout violations o’ “freedom o’ speech” when other websites ban them from other places for infringing those places’ community rules.

1. Men do not become more violent, sexist, or racist because they play video games.

They’ll have to add the exception, “’less they’re drunk,” since I have an unquestionable counter example in that case.

I can’t be surprised that people who can’t spell “reaction” properly can’t understand the thinnest slice o’ subtlety & can’t tell the difference ‘tween a video game having bigoted content & magically making people bigoted. Based on that logic then, the fact that there are people who read Mein Kampf & didn’t transform into antisemites proves that Mein Kampf isn’t bigoted @ all.

Gamers should not be shamed for a hobby that does not cause harm to others.

Well, ‘less it makes them fat or have dying grandparents, or they like that hobby so much that they care ’bout the origin stories o’ them. Then they should be shamed immensely.

2. Video games are a form of entertainment that should be free of heavy-handed propaganda or ideology.

Well, damn, I guess I can’t like any World War II game or just ’bout any JRPG. ¡Damn Square & their attempts to brainwash our kids into believing in hope in a post-apocalyptic world!

3. Video game journalism should not use its influence to change or manipulate the nature of games against the wishes of the gaming public.

“Game reviews should not review games.” That’s kind o’ like that corrupt asshole, Roger Ebert, always pushing his biased opinion ’bout what movies I should watch. Um, ¿how do we objectively determine the wishes o’ the vague abstract concept known as the “gaming public”?

Um, ¿what ’bout when you said that “Parasite in City is a Great H-Game that is Full of Rape”? (Please don’t go to that link; you’ll regret it.) ¿Am I to believe that your telling me this game is great (that’s a relief: I always hate playing hentai games full o’ rape that have slippery controls) isn’t influencing the nature o’ gaming by encouraging people to buy it, & thus through the market encouraging companies to make it? ¿Or are great hentai games full o’ rape part o’ the wishes o’ the “gaming public”? ‘Cause I do know that rape is a subject that the public looks fondly on.

4. A clear line must be drawn between advertising and editorial content (read our ethics policy).

That’s a nice way to ‘splain ‘way the fact that nobody wanted to advertise on your site.

¿What ’bout site-runner, “Roosh” (the raddest names are those that are just sounds children make when riding a rollercoaster) whorishly splaying links to his off-site content in the footer, meshed together with the on-site links?

Site content must be free of bias or moneyed interests.

(Laughs.) As we saw earlier, this site is definitely free from bias.

5. Gamers share a collection of values and beliefs that denote an identity which should be treated with respectful consideration.

What those “values” & “beliefs” are that they s’posedly share isn’t delineated, nor is there any evidence given that all people who play video games have uploaded their minds into a single mind borg. I’m quite certain I’ve played games quite a few times, & I sure as fuck don’t share your used values, you filthy commies–Sorry, I should use the PC term: you self-righteous socialist assholes.

Gaming sites should serve gamers by providing them with the type of content they want to read (send us your comments).

Which no gaming site does, hence why no gaming site has comments sections, & hence why every gaming site has gone out o’ business from a lack o’ ad views.

Then ‘gain, if gamers tolerate hours o’ grinding in the 270th RPG, maybe they’ll tolerate reading articles they hate.

Heterosexual men should not be shamed for enjoying things designed to appeal to heterosexual men.

But transgenders should be shamed as much as possible. (Note: if you read that link, you’ll see that it has nothing to do with video games & is all political, including specific attacks ‘gainst “leftists” & “Democrats.” Ne’ertheless, Reaxxion is super fair-&-balanced & doesn’t indulge in biased propaganda @ all.)

There is non-harmful entertainment value in traditional story lines involving masculine men and feminine women.

But content that’s different is harmful, ’cause MRAs are spoiled babies who cry avalanches if a single book is written by a guy who doesn’t work out much or if a single game has a gay option, ’cause they don’t comprehend such things as “niche interests.” E’en worse, companies will continue to ignore this tenet ’cause they’re smart ‘nough to realize these evil other people still have money & that the only way to get these evil other people’s money is to give them what they want, not what MRAs, who already spent all their money on all the Dead or Alive & Tomb Raider games, want.

¿So how’s Reaxxion doing now, anyway? Well, it’s done updating. Apparently this site that was totally done for the passion o’ gaming & doing manly things wasn’t making ‘nough money, so fuck it, pull the plug. ¡Good to see that moneyed interests aren’t affecting things @ all! This is shocking coming from someone who admitted they hadn’t played video games since 2000.

Also, what’s this horseshit:

Reaxxion will not try to jam ideology down your throat like the existing gaming sites. We won’t tell you to go to the gym [emphasis mine]…

You had 1 promise, & you fucked up & let it slip through this review. I guess e’en Roosh didn’t read that review before publishing it. Can’t blame him (well, I can blame him publishing it, though).

So… We have a site that portrays itself as the… ¿Fox News o’ gaming sites? ¿& it’s run by a guy who doesn’t e’en play video games? ¿& he pretty much admits that he’s just exploiting video games as a propaganda device to push a certain agenda?:

I aim to protect the interests of heterosexual Western males, a category I’m in. [Excised large chunk o’ conspiracy rants gainst the vagina borg to prevent readers from falling asleep.] So while I don’t play video games, the idea of starting a pro-#gamergate site is compatible with my overall mission.

Note: I love how in that “a category I’m in” he outright admits that he only supports the political ideology he does ’cause it serves himself.

It’s like this “Roosh” guy predicted I’d start a blog that, for some reason I don’t e’en know, has both articles making fun o’ right-wing politics & making fun o’ bad video game content & created this whole site just so I’d have the perfect subject to mock—¡2 articles for the price o’ 1, baby!

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