Stale oranges–
before it e’en starts
summer ends.

¿Where’d you get
that bright yellow scarf,
summer oak?

‘Cause I’m a serious jackoff who writes ’bout bourgie toys, I don’t just criticize reviews that disagree with my tastes, such as this dumb ass review by some video game character that isn’t e’en real gainst the magnum opus that is Game & Watch Gallery 4, but also those reviews with arguments in which I agree. Thus, we have this review that argues that Wario Land 3 is the best game on the 3DS Virtual Console (sort o’), with which I agree.

Let’s start with some nice ad hominem:

Stephen Swift lives in Boston with the world’s tiniest and loudest cat.

Jonathan Swift should be choking in his grave to know that his great great great great great great great great great great grandson’s stooping to making cat jokes.

It starts by blabbering ’bout the 3DS’s eShop, while Swift contradicts himself: though he contrasts it with Steam, most o’ the games he mentions are on Steam, too.

Honestly, the fact that he praises the 3DS eShop’s kind o’ a flaw itself, since it sucks compared to the Wii-U’s—& e’en arguably the Wii’s. It doesn’t e’en have Game Boy Advance games, ‘less one was an early-adopter, for god’s sake. Hell, it’s e’en missing a bunch o’ NES games. I guess e’en the “New” 3DS wasn’t powerful ‘nough to play Earthbound Beginnings—though it can play its sequel (not like you’d want to play Beginnings, ‘specially when you can play the sequel…).

My for-real, hand-to-god, pick of the litter? Out of alllll of them?

I’m sorry, but no dictionary I know tells me that “alllll” is a word. I can’t accept financial advice from someone who can’t e’en correctly spell Kindergarten-level words. Once you learn not to treat typing articles like a fucking Shmup, then maybe I’ll pay attention.

It’s the vanilla Virtual Console port of Wario Land 3.

I was as surprised as you.

That level being “not surprised @ all,” since the big bold title o’ this article already kind o’ spoiled that precious fact, & you decided the fact yourself.

By the way, ¿how could he praise the 3DS for all these aspects nobody else knew ’bout, like that it has Cave Story, but not the fact that its Virtual Console games came in ice cream flavors, which e’en I didn’t know. Well, genius, ¿why would anyone prefer vanilla Wario Land 3 o’er, say, Chocolate Chip Mint Wario Land 3? ¿No answer? Not a very good review then.

His 1st few reasons after his strange Charlie-Brown-haired divider actually resemble good arguments, so we won’t talk ’bout them much—though I must praise his hilariously zany renames for Wario’s status conditions (¿What’s the name o’ that condition where Wario briefly clips into the ground, like in that 1st wacky animated GIF?)

That doesn’t stop him from speaking as obnoxiously as possible, since shouting @ people is always the best way to convince them. It’s good to see that Virtual Village writer on super-serious website writes ’bout the same as some jackoff on YouTube comments. Have some god damn respect, man.

I also question some o’ his arguments. For instance, I love how he says @ 1 point that Wario Land 3 is “soaking in Metroid” (ew), & then goes on to talk ’bout how it isn’t like Metroid. But e’en if his arguments aren’t entirely coherent, you can’t argue with such points as “It. Is. So. Dope. [the emphasis is all his credit].”

As for point #4, I disagree with his point that forcing tutorials on players & treating them like idiots is good. I’m also not sure what he means by “hands-off.” It’s certainly “hands-off” for the player, since they get to just sit & watch for a minute not being a “player.” That’s right up there in quality with books that force you to go a minute without being able to actually read them.

I also disagree with point #5—& apparently the reviewer does, too, since he followed such refined arguments as “It’s horrible,” with the e’en mo’ refined, “I LOVE IT.” I disagree 1st with the claim that forcing an irrelevant minigame to progress is somehow a contrast to modern game design, 2nd for his providing any praise for that tedious golf game, & 3rd with his irrelevant animated GIF o’ Wario being spliced & unspliced painfully o’er & o’er like a scene out o’ “I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream.” ¿Maybe that’s s’posed to represent the player’s feelings when she realizes she has to play that minigolf game for the 20th time? E’en I’d say that’s an exaggeration—a’least it’s not that fucking memory game from 2.

The organization o’ this article doesn’t e’en make sense. 5b is ’bout how “minibosses” (since they’re the only bosses, ‘cept for maybe the final boss, I question that word choice) defeat you by using your status conditions to push you out o’ the room, rather than kill you, since you can’t die in this game. That’s mo’ related to his 1st point, where he brought this fact up to begin with, than this point ’bout… ¿being “Warioian” ’bout not being like modern games? “Minibosses” that don’t kill you outright are hardly mo’ ol’-school than modern. & yeah, it’s “Warioian” in the sense that you defined—like Wario Land 3—’cause it’s in Wario Land 3. It’s great to see that Wario Land 3‘s bosses are designed round Wario Land 3‘s gameplay—like everything else in Wario Land 3.

O wait. But the minigolf game was “Warioian,” & that was described as being a complete departure from the regular game… which is apparently an aspect o’ Wario Land 3 design… to depart from Wario Land 3 design…

Point #6 is that you can be a cheating scrub & savestate through the game, which applies to all Virtual Console games & is probably needed less in this game than most games.

Point #7 makes fun o’ itself: “Replayability… in MY Metroidvania?????” Since we already learned that Wario Land 3 is “soaking in Metroid” while being completely different, this isn’t a surprise @ all. It’s also ‘nother aspect that is far from unique ’bout Wario Land 3. I can’t help but note that Swift seems to be excited ’bout things that are in just ’bout every video game. HOLY SHIT: YOU CAN GO BACK INTO LEVELS YOU ALREADY BEAT CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT.

Though point #8’s title is just a reiteration o’ the article’s thesis, it does approach a coherent argument that makes sense, though the “every floor tile serves a purpose” point returned to the flaw I just mentioned. Yeah, they all serve a purpose: they all keep you from falling off the screen, since the game has no death routine to call if you somehow do. Good thing the designers didn’t forget ’bout that & just let players fall off the screen & enter a glitchy minus world.

But point #9 veers off into a completely irrelevant subject, which partly contradicts his whole thesis. “It is only barely better than most other VC Gameboy [sic, ¿how the fuck can you misspell “Game Boy”?] Color titles.” ¿Then why are you singling it out if it’s not much mo’ special than the other games? Duh, logic: ¿what’s that? If Attack of the Friday Monsters is so great, ¿why aren’t you talking ’bout it? For instance, I’d like to know what the fuck a “Friday Monster” is e’en s’posed to be.

¿& why’s this review called “10 Reasons Wario Land 3 is the 3DS eShop’s Best Game [emphasis mine]” when you only listed 9? ¡I can’t take financial advice from someone who can’t e’en count!

Wario Land 3 reviews are ruined fore’er now. Great goin’ it, Swift.

by Seventh Sanctum Writing Prompt Generator

Her life is essentially the story of Dante.

It will be Thursday, the day of wanderlust.

It will be July, the month of unemployment, everyone knew that.

Torture sanity as long as you are screaming.

It will be winter, the season of infamy and howling.

She is always a woman, which was really terrible.

You can kill an airline disaster.

It will be the day of education, the day of poverty.

There is a story about how drug addiction will be like crying.

If you don’t know about the tavern, then it is time.

While there are some games—like Earthbound &, rather recently, Wario Land 3—from my childhood for which there seem to be many who share my oddly high sentiments, this doesn’t seem to be the case for WarioWare, Inc.: Mega Microgame$!. While everyone else seems to chuck it off as a mindless game to play during brief breaks¹, I remember it blowing my mind, artistically, when I 1st played it.

This is probably ’cause it reminded me so much o’ the aforementioned coffee can that changed my destiny fore’er. There was just so much ’bout WarioWare that felt creative & surreal, but would feel like such a loss if missing. ‘Twas as if each microgame were an isolated game piece thrown with a bunch o’ other, unrelated game piece.

& the art styles would vary wildly: a black & white lineart game wheerin you aim a finger into some disembodied nose would be followed by a photorealistic game wherein you crush an apple with an uncanny-valley real-life Wario hand, & then followed by a game wherein you lead a lightning bolt from a cartoon fish through a maze in a black void to a flat, abstract city, & then followed by 8 seconds o’ Balloon Fight. The 8 second ditties that acted as music were similarly varied, & full o’ strange noises. (I have a collection o’ minigfs files for all o’ Mega Microgame$‘s ditties in a folder that I like to play on shuffle sometimes). WarioWare just felt like 1 o’ those games that was hard to experience fully: there was always some strange detail lurking in some obscure corner. For instance, ¿you e’er notice how when you highlight Kat & Ana’s story mode level that sometimes—only sometimes—it’ll play this weird whispering sound? ¿What was up with that?

I think WarioWare: Twisted! is probably best o’ the series, since its gimmick seemed to have the fewest bugs—save a few times when the gyro sensor would get misaligned—& had the most content, with a ton o’ souvenirs that are probably the closest a game could e’er get to the game-pieces-in-the-coffee-can experience I had before. ¿Who wouldn’t enjoy being able to spin one’s Game Boy Advance to slice carrots, cakes, & cars into shreds on a grater? It’s too bad Twisted! was ne’er released in Europe, nor has it yet been released on the Virtual Console—which is especially a shame, since it should work perfectly with the screen controller.

That said, Mega Microgame$! was the 1st I played & thus had the greatest impact on me. This was especially the case since, like many o’ these Game Boy Advance games, I 1st played a Japanese rom before it came out in the US, & thus had the added confusion o’ not e’en knowing what the action commands meant. It’s important to note that when I 1st started playing it, I wasn’t e’en sure what the game was. I remember that beforetime I only read some brief mention o’ it having minigames on TMK² without e’en seeing a single screenshot yet.

The only downside is that once one has gone through the experience o’ 1st discovering each microgame, one can ne’er experience it ‘gain. I s’pose that applies to every game; but this one seemed to exemplify that mo’ to me than any other.

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Footnotes:

Attitude—
fir leans to the side
with limbs crossed

Courtesy o’ Free Vintage Illustrations, who are not affiliated with the rest o’ this nonsense.

& there I saw him, & there I waved to him. ¿You can’t see him there, on that star?

No, not that 1. Not tha—that 1. Yes, that there. #943,143,610,689,219,003,236, or as The Grand Almanac o’ Stars calls it, «Marissa Robertson.» ¿Can’t you see him there?

Yes, it may look tiny, but from his perspective it’s quite roomy. Yes, it’s quite bright, but from his perspective it provides ample light for books—light needed to read such tiny, & yet such complex ligaments, that comprise the letters o’ his language—a language o’ o’er a million different letters, each representing not only its own word, but also its own phrase, so that paragraphs are compressed into a few characters, & Anna Karenina fits into a slim 150-page book.

Yes, it’s daytime, & yes it’s cloudy. But the stars ne’er hide. Heathens have cast such slanders gainst the stars & their master, the Afternoon Moon, but they are wrong. They’re just not looking hard ‘nough. But the time shall come when the stars & the moon rule all, & the sinful sun shall be smitten @ last, with the moon keeping its golden light for itself, for all eternity.

makes me grease

up in the bucket I let spill trills ago.

I ran out o’ the greasy chemicals with which to fill this shit,

legit,

¿or is it just fabricated?

¡Say it!

¡It’s the law!

¡Say’s the law!

Money’s time,

& all time gets spent on ‘ventuallies.

¿What makes 1 ‘ventually better than the others?

¿What makes plum jellies ‘bove the worth o’ butter?

So many things to flow all around,

like bliss, & fat, & clams, & oven mits.

I’m an occult.

¿& what do you spend your ‘ventuallies on,

but tea & booze & coffee

or coffee & booze & tea

or booze & coffee & tea

or booze & tea & coffee

or tea & coffee & booze,

but ne’er tea & booze & coffee—

that’d be wacky.

…

It’s cold, though.

¿How’d you know there’s nothing new under the Afternoon Moon?

¿O, where did you get that from?

¿What friends have you made fool with?

Ah, I know where you read that…

So I try to stir harder

the lucky pot that holds every ingredient in the world,

to sift those that taste spiciest

& leave out those that are too ricy,

to do

Senior Estadounidense’s Delightful Stew.

¡What a funny-looking peasant!

I am a Socialist, Smurov.

(No, not the lowercase kind, ¡you filthy prole!)

const int NUM_O_LINES = 256;

for ( int i = 0; i < NUM_O_LINES; ++i )

{

std::cout << “There ain't no justice—(¡Justice!)” << std::endl;

}

& I’ve left ‘hind my keen Dr.

& my theory general

to be uselessly bombed in combat

to give into the philosophy o’ the sad-faced, shell-fleshed crabs,

o’ the caged rats—

«You’ve already played that DVD, Steve,

& it ne’er worked for all your 5 Zanzibari rupees.

Maybe the sauce would seep into every baggie

if you’d just leave.»

I’m an Anarchist, Smurnov.

const int NUM_O_LINES = 2560;

for ( int i = 0; i < NUM_O_LINES; ++i )

{

std::cout << “¡That's how greatful I am!” << std::endl;

}

I lived on my feet,

I sat on my feet,

I ate my chili without grated cheese,

but didn’t e’en sneak you a single speech bubble—

¡Too much trouble?

¿Too many double faces!

I lived on my face,

I sat on my face,

& didn’t e’en arrogantly show my gratefulness

when you praised my speedy Lorraine kitsch.

I’m a Nihilist, Smirnoff.

I was wrong,

& I was wrong since the beginning o’ the bong,

so said my mother in legend…

look closely @ the diagram to see the legend…

I’m a Magical Socialist, Blue Moon.

But we must return to the chemicals I want,

we must return to the bucket & not the box,

not the pot,

left ‘hind like a chalk outline’

left on the space-age street on which we all drive by,

where the strawberry pancakes are long gone

& left me without a throat to sing the rest o’ this song.

I’m a Post-Democratic-Republican-Liberal-Modernist-Progressive-Anarcho-Rasputinist-Socialian, Smurov

Go all the way

to KARAOKE NIGHT, ¿eh?

«(DUH, DUH, DUH)

You think you got us #’d…

(DUH, DUH, DUH)

but we will strike like thunder…

(DUH, DUH, DUH)

We’ll fucking strike like lightning…

(DUH, DUH, DUH)

& be exactly as exciting…

(DUH, DUH, DUH)

& now you say we’re grime…

(DUH, DUH, DUH)

say we’re a coconut without a lime…

(DUH, DUH, DUH)

Well, you need to realize…

(DUH, DUH, DUH)

that grease ne’er dies—

¡Fight!»

I’m a Schliferpus, Smurtov.

No, I’m solo fuckin wit yo, habanero.

Wario Land 4 is 1 o’ those games I’ll admit I love mo’ for its atmosphere than its gameplay, though its gameplay is certainly great—albeit, the game is rather short @ only 18 levels. It had a dark, urban strangeness that reminds me o’ a less heartfelt Earthbound. I think the fact that I 1st witnesses it @ round 4 AM influenced my association, for I don’t think any game captures that feeling I may have only made up myself o’ a groggy early waking in the late after-midnight¹.

In fact, I consider its soundtrack full o’ samples o’ strange voices shouting, “¡HURRY UP!” traffic noises, cat meows, & childish laughs to be more o’ a spiritual successor o’ Earthbound‘s than Mother 3′s, & to be probably the best o’ all the GBA soundtracks. Like Earthbound‘s music, these songs seem to be full o’ so many strange details that it’s impossible to keep track o’ them all, lending it a mysterious feel.

The map theme demonstrates this the most. It’s such a long & complicated song for a song that’ll only play ‘tween choosing levels. A mash o’ low grungy music & rather high-pitched spacey sounds, this song isn’t e’en consistent on whether it wants to have a catchy melody or being a jarring cacophony o’ strange noises that makes it e’en mo’ disjointed than consistent cacophony.

“Crescent Moon Village” I love for being the best representation o’ urban nights, mixing the high-pitched weal o’ nighttime wind with the heavy bass rock you’d faintly hear from a passing car.

“Toy Block Tower”: Much like Earthbound, Wario Land 4 balanced its soundtrack’s dark songs with very chipper songs, & this is the most chipper ‘mong Wario Land 4‘s, fitting the most chipper o’ levels. This level & its music are like walking out o’ the hushed night into a brightly-lit 24-hour store that ne’er seemed to tire.

“Hotel Horror” is a jazzy song on the surface; but like most WL4 songs, it has those strange sound effects that make it eerier—in this case, mainly the noises from what can only be described as a windy drum, starting as an elongated blow that sounds somewhat like an airplane passing by, & then becoming chopped up into mo’ forceful beats.

“Soft Shell” is soothing mall music that plays in soothing bonus areas. I change what I said ’bout “Toy Block Tower”: this is the brightly-lit 24-hour shop.

But we can’t talk ’bout Wario Land 4‘s soundtrack without mentioning the “sound test,” unlocked song-by-song by collecting CDs from each level. Those who have read much o’ this blog (I’m sorry) would probably guess that I’d love such a disarray o’ irrelevant sound experiments—visualized through a neon-backdropped screen flashing ‘tween random images, such as the Game & Watch guy with headphones, a photorealistic strawberry zooming in & out, & some real human cosplaying as Wario. Some o’ them are actually songs, such as the aforementioned “Soft Shell,” & “Mr. Ether & Planetaria”; but most are just collections o’ noises, such as 1 which is just a buzzing fly that is finally smitten, a sleeping guy snoring, heavy mechanical heartbeats, hushed whispers, &, my favorite, an epic o’ some guy waking up to go out & walk to the store to buy something, & then walking back home, all depicted through speechless noises.

The graphics were similarly strange, though mo’ in a cartoony grotesque way than in a “¿What the hell is this?” way. Zombie Wario wasn’t just a stereotypical dark blue version o’ himself with tattered clothes & dark eyes, but was made up o’ neon rainbow goop that splashed all o’er. Puffy Wario had mo’ exaggerated cheeks than in the previous entries. The animation was also quite smooth.

How level progress was measured was also rather creative: rather than a simple goal @ the end, one’s goal was to collect various objects, hit a switch, & then race back to the start before time (& then one’s coins) ran out. The key ghost named Keyzer was needed to unlock the next level & all 4 corners o’ the gem is needed for all 4 levels per zone were needed to unlock that zone’s boss. It’s interesting ’cause most games have levels wherein “beating” it is plain, black & white; but here it’s messier. Obviously we can’t say that just hitting the switch & returning to the beginning warp “beats” the level, ’cause it creates no progress: you’re right back where you started. ¿But is getting the Keyzer sufficient? It is for the 1st few levels; but if one wants to fight the boss—& therefore progress to the end o’ the game—one must collect all o’ the gem corners. Since it’s required to beat the game—rather than the CD, which is just useful for hearing the aforementioned weird-ass music in the “sound test,” or any money—one could argue that the level’s not truly beaten—as opposed to completed, which would require the CD & collecting 10,000 coins for the golden crown—’less the gems are collected, too.

Wario Land 4 also lets one try all o’ the zones but the last in any order one wants, including going back & forth ‘mong zones. This is hardly the 1st game to do something like this; but it’s still a plus, nonetheless.

That said, though its music, graphics, & general atmosphere are better than its predecessors, it’s gameplay is inferior to Wario Land 3‘s. It’s much shorter & its levels are much less complex than 3’s, which had a much funner goal system derived from 4 different colored pairs o’ keys & chests per level, which unlock items that unlock other chests & so on.

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