Accompanying music

¿You know what I love when looking up info on how to use SSH? Some artsy douche trying to defend their liberal-guilt love for o’erpriced brand computers made by monopolistic corporations by spewing pseudoscientific sociology. E’en better when they depict themselves as a Powerpuff Girl with Jimmy Neutron hair.

This writer starts by talking ’bout screaming @ open source software being a part o’ “the partriarchy”, which is the kind o’ o’erpretentious word for something as simple as “sexism” that builds the butter for ad hominem arguments by sexists to mock me for actually being able to read statistics. See, this is why I can’t stand dumb leftists: with rightwingers, I get to be the 1 laughing; but now this idiot’s making me look bad in association.

I mean, they actually end their bio with, “I keep myself sane through African dance and wandering around NYC documenting daily life”. That’s a parody, ¿right? That’s the kind o’ leftist that leftists make fun o’, ’cause they usually only read ’bout them in Mallard Fillmore. “I keep myself from wallowing in self pity by appropriating the culture o’ people far worse off than me & wandering expensive cities creepily spying on people who do actual work”.

That’s right, fucker: I have Social Justice Magic, too — & my spells are stronger. I got the rat’s tail.

Anyway, this person strangely singles out open source software for being part o’ the patriarchy sexist not ’cause o’ Eric S. Raymond’s involvement, but ’cause you have to spend a lot o’ time to figure it out — which is probably ’cause the people who made them aren’t privileged ’nough, not being paid & all, to add all those usability touches. So, basically, they’re unemployed losers. That’s true — but not the ultimate in privilege. I would also add that it’s ironic that this person complains ’bout other people having too much time on their hands when this working-class hero mentioned in their bio, as we read earlier, wasting copious ’mounts o’ time wandering expensive cities screwing round. While I agree that most open-source-software creators are probably quite rich & well-off, I’d say they’re probably less privileged than this rich, urbanite idiot who gets paid to complain ’bout how they’re too dumb & lazy to do actual work.

’Course, it might be that software in general is sexist — & ’specially bigoted gainst poor people. That should be obvious: as it turns out, it is harder for poor people to work with expensive electronics that they can’t get access to ’cause they’re, well, poor, e’en if the software the exists on that hardware they can’t get is free — provided they can get internet access to download it. This writer e’en could’ve pointed out that, technically, Linux is no cheaper than Windows ’cause hardware that comes packed with Windows is cheaper than any hardware you can get without an operating system or with Linux preinstalled, thanks to the economic magic o’ monopolies. Linux fans, not being bitter ol’ bearded men @ all, lovingly call this the “Microsoft Tax”. I approve o’ this term not ’cause I care that much ’bout OS politics, but for plain politics: it’s a rarely-acknowledged existence o’ a tax that exists without government intervention @ all — well, ’cept for that huge government intervention known as “private property”.

But we’re digressing. Anyway, if this writer were to acknowledge this, they would have to acknowledge Windows as the winner, not shiny ol’ Apple — &, indeed, Windows is still the most popular OS &, as someone who actually doesn’t live in fancy cities & who actually has met working class people once in his life, I happen to know that that is the go-to OS for working class people. So far the only people I’ve met who use Macs are upper-class people — though oft the kind, like this writer, who likes to pretend they’re lower-class without having to bear the actual negative consequences o’ that class.

If this writer had any self-awareness, they’d realize that they are immensely privileged themselves simply for the fact that they get to work with computers @ all & not, say, have to worry ’bout getting their arm cut off from the sewing machine they have to use 16 hours a day. I might e’en, as admittedly presumptuous as it may be o’ me, try to argue that I, as a 1st-worlder in a comfy home, having recently had the fun o’ dicking round with great open-source program designs as SSH & command lines in general a few months after leaving a job where I worked 16 hours a day in drudge work, can say that fiddling with computers is still a blast in comparison. I might, as rash as it may be, go far ’nough to inquire this person as to how positive they’d find the proposition that they trade in their burdenous job o’ asking other people to tell them how to do things for the exciting job o’ cleaning & filling dirty trays & running back & forth carrying equipment on high shelves for 13 – 16 hours. I can imagine their response would be a hearty, “¡Yes! ¡Please!”

&, the reason why I feel bad ’bout bringing up this subject myself, is that that’s not e’en that bad in comparison to most people. Actually, most o’ my coworkers @ said place had it much worse &, bizarrely, didn’t whine nearly as much.

See, if this were a complaint ’bout software in general, I would agree wholeheartedly — though I’d note that “software sucks” or “Linus Torvald sucks ’cause he doesn’t program a way to delete the massive inequality o’ upbringing to leads to massive inequality o’ skill potential” aren’t useful conclusions. Somehow I doubt the kind o’ person who enjoys wandering fancy cities would prefer we go back to living in the countryside & churning our own milk; I know e’en as much as I utterly despise shit like Heroku or Docker or whatever the fuck bullshit, I’d much rather do that than fingering some cow’s tits — as sexy as that is.

If I wanted to put on my Marxist hat — & I do like Marxist hats, ’cause they’re swanky & let me use my own fancy meaningless terms like “dialectics”, proletariat”, & “horse-piss” — I could say that this represents the “bourgeois” decay — all decay these days be bourgeois — wherein we naturally turn to individual solutions to economic problems, like badgering random programmers to not make random people have to ask them how to do things, ’stead o’ government solutions ’cause Cap’n Capitalism & his Scurvy Crew hardwired our minds to not think o’ such things like how our grassy English makes us forget most o’ our words for snow.

My problem is that this person is trying to then argue that Macs are somehow better for lower-class people, ’cause they’re s’posedly easier to use, e’en though all o’ the working class people I know find Windows just as easy, & much cheaper. But then Windows is dirty & gross. Then ’gain, so are real working class people, as opposed to the ones that exist in this writer’s imagination.

Actually, to be fair, I have to remember this writer used the word “patriarchy”, not poor, which seems strange. ’Gain, if the complaint were what a sausagefest software in general was, I would agree — & that is, indeed, what the actual points this writer makes are. But then it devolves into a driveling piece o’ self-pity that’s basically, “I don’t know this stuff, but I do know Mac stuff, so the former’s obviously privileged & the latter isn’t, ’cause obviously I’m not privileged”, e’en though there are plenty o’ actually unprivileged people who would find Macs just as incomprehensible. I might e’en admit that if I, programming prodigy that I am who can’t figure out basic SSH, were to have to use a Mac, I’d probably get frustrated & bitch ’bout what idiots the developers were. I wouldn’t post a pretentious article online ’bout what a capitalist conspiracy Macs are to subjugate the proletariat or how unfair it is that I have to learn them — ¡You can’t make me, mommy! I would write an article making fun o’ idiots who waste my time trying to research info by putting their inane claptrap online, which is why I’m here now; but I wouldn’t pretend I’m noble for doing so, any mo’ than I should find myself noble for making fun o’ someone for thinking themselves noble for doing so, rather than helping lower-class people in useless, idiotic ways, like giving to charity or doing actual social work. Phhh. ¿What use is that compared to a bunch o’ middle class college brats pontificating ’bout the sociology o’ command line?

See, I’d be less annoyed if this wasn’t obviously a narcissist trying to appropriate serious social issues for their own ego trip. What’s e’en mo’ annoying is that this person then goes on to try deflecting the inevitable criticism o’ what they themselves clearly see is a stupid argument with what is essentially self-pity:

And now, I’m going to put this down and go do something else. Lately I’ve been wondering how I got here. I never intended to become an amanuensis for technologists. There were other things I meant to write about, and do.

You know someone’s truly @ the bottom o’ the hierarchy when their main stress is, ¡they just don’t feel like they’re doing what they’re meant to do, man!

You know — I shouldn’t pick on these frivilous details too much in this serious treatise o’ mine ( so serious I had to e’en look up how to spell “treatise” ), but I’m half anal, half asshole — but I love when blog writers feel the need to tell readers what they’re going to do after finishing the post. “& that’s it. Now I’m going to go smoke pot & listen to Pink Floyd albums.” That’s a perfectly good hobby to have; but if you’re going to bother me ’bout it, you better be a good comrade & share both the Pink & the Floyd, if you catch my carrions.

Also, I can think o’ 1 good reason to not want to be an “amanuensis for technologists”: that’s a stupid term for “scribble slave for programmer douche bags”. You know which 1 makes a better slugline on the ol’ resume.

Maybe I shouldn’t focus entirely on this mere individual, who, after all, is the veritable emperor o’ feminism & technology & not just some random nobody who wrote a blog post that happened to unfortunately hit my headlights in that wonderful repository o’ scholarship known as Google. To be fair, I’m sure I thought these kinds o’ things when I was, like, 16. But that doesn’t mean this pattern isn’t itself something silly that should be mocked in the hopes that people don’t get the idea that it’s somehow logical to construct convoluted theories for why preferring PlayStation 4 o’er the Switch is the prime method for smashing capitalism — ’cause I know plenty o’ smart people look to random blogs full o’ insane poetry & pretentious analyses o’ their own shitty rom hacks for life lessons.

If you read this writer’s article where they pontificate on the social importance o’ Mac’s shininess — I’m not fucking kidding — you’ll see some o’ the mo’ pathetic pseudointellectual bullshit that seems to contradict itself. “Attacking Mac’s shininess is truly an attack gainst women, ’cause society forces them into the role o’ shininess… which is wrong, ’cause it’s sexist… but we have to accept this social fact, ’cause it just is…” You know, I remember a time when people who called themselves “leftists” actually attacked social norms — attacked the idea that women had to be “girly”; now it’s sexist to attack the social norms themselves, ’cause “leftists” themselves have apparently internalized them. Note that the expense o’ Macs isn’t brought up @ all — presumably ’cause that’s a weaker class that this writer isn’t a part o’, & therefore unimportant.

The silliest thing is a simple question: ¿Who’s putting a gun to your head & demanding you to use Linux shit? I mean, that might make me look hypocritical for making fun o’ Lispers; but I ne’er accused them o’ white supremacy ’cause they nagged me to use their shit. Granted, there was that Lisper who made up some story ’bout beating the shit out o’ some Jew stereotype out o’ a Nazi cartoon for the unrepentable behavior o’ not apologizing for trying to open his car, & then leaving without causing any damage @ all… ( Laughs ). God damn — ¿why are all you programmers such shitty people? ¿Do these fucking things leak chemicals?

But as Crazy Racist Jones says, “It is all a matter of choosing your words correctly!”

( Laughs. ) Sorry: fuck this stupid subject; we have to talk mo’ ’bout this Google Group. This comes right after those delightful examples o’ storytelling:

> > > I really foresee the collapse of civilization.
> > Yep, me too.
>
> I’m trying to prevent that, by building a new kind of economic
> system based on labor rather than national $currency$ as the unit
> of exchange, but I’ve been unable to find anyone to help me with my
> project.

You may want to try resurrecting a man named Karl Marx — I hear he influenced some wonderful economic systems beloved by all.

Everybody who foresees the collapse of civilization, also notices that
the problem is our economic system. I discuss this in “Ramon.” I would
be happy to discuss your plan, which I looked over. If you give me
your email address, I will respond that way. I don’t think this is a
appropriate topic for comp.lang.lisp though. Lets resolve the lack-of-
laptop problem first.

“( Boyish laugh. ) We can trade conspiracy theories ’bout the Obamapocalypse after we help Scottie fix his laptop. ( Waves hand forward ). ¡C’mon, buddy!”

My favorite part is that, a few messages down, someone else says:

Either I have lived a very sheltered
life so far, or c.l.l has a disproportionate share of people I would
describe as odd. People who brag about how they beat up others
certainly qualify.”

Well, maybe if you weren’t so sheltered you’d know that beating up strangers who don’t apologize for touching your car is the epitome o’ social intelligence.

You know, this is the 1 time when I might berate this writer — the narcissistic blackface ( seriously, I can’t get o’er that “African dance” bullshit ) Mac nut, not Crazy Racist Jones — for not employing ad hominem. ¿How the hell are you complaining ’bout Linux “patriarchy” & not mentioning this shit? It’d certainly be mo’ entertaining than that bullshit ’bout concert posters or some tacky picture o’ that dumbass Linux penguin in a Harry Potter outfit. Harry Potter is the best example o’ patriarchy ’cause… ¿it’s written by a woman?

It annoys me, ’cause it makes me look dumb, thanks to simplistic association. I used to defend leftists as being smarter than right-wingers & used to make fun o’ idiots like Sir Keynes the 3rd for his strawmen gainst the true enemies — women who want equal pay. He’s still wrong: these leftists aren’t dumb ’cause they believe the obvious fact that there’s plenty o’ sexism & racism & that it isn’t mostly based on some huge inherent biological difference; it’s just that their arguments are stupid. This person’s right that technology’s sexist; they’re wrong that it’s ’cause people aren’t all buying expensive Macs ’cause o’ some wall o’ text ’bout concert posters & Photoshop bling, which this author apparently had time to write ’bout, but didn’t have time to learn how to install Ubuntu. ( I call bullshit on that last part, by the way: anyone who has actually used Ubuntu knows that it’s just a few GUI prompts, with such arcane questions as “¿What’s your time zone?” It’s literally no different from setting up Windows or Mac. Either this writer is a complete moron or an utter liar; & considering the long pontifications they spewed, I’m going to assume the latter. )

This kind o’ idiocy is mo’ dangerous, ’cause it feeds idiotic ad hominem reasoning — in both ways. Criticizing dumbass sexism gets labeled as sexist ( only by complete idiots, thankfully ) — ’cause if the conclusion’s right, then every argument that supports it must be right. So if someone claims that Hitler was bad ’cause he stuck his dick in Hostess™ Cakes all day ’stead o’ being a true leader, I can’t say, “No, that’s stupid”, without being a Nazi. Meanwhile, some idiot points to this tripe to argue that it magically makes independent gender statistics invalid.

This is the curse o’ the western world now — Hairpiece politics. It’s just a race to the bottom o’ stupidity. Leftists don’t help their cause by defending leftist idiocy by just going, “Yes, but their heart’s in the right place” ( which, considering the cynicism o’ these posts, isn’t e’en correct ). I would actually argue that anyone who considers themselves trying to be intelligent — & I must admit, I can’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t want to — should attack not only idiotic conclusions, but also idiotic arguments for correct conclusions.

¡& now I’m pissed ’cause I now have to go out & buy a Mac after going out & trading my Windows computer for a Linux @ the advice o’ that Ruby nut! ¡Damn it! ¡This is genocide, I’m telling you! #WhitePeopleWhoPretendToCareBoutSeriousSocialIssuesAsAScuseToFlakeLearningNewThingsArePeopleToo.

Minty Mines

There’s not much to say ’bout this level, since most o’ the effort when into drawing the graphics. In truth, I was just messing round & happened to finally get mine tiles & liked, & then was finally able to make a halfway decent background ( though I still wish I could figure out how to make good-looking wood or metal cross-bars, like you usually see in mine backgrounds ), so I finished this level idea I’d been fiddling with.

I still find the level feels awkward to play. The main problem is that Autumn’s momentum is strange when she bonks her head on the ceiling, which happens all the time here due to the cramped space & rarely anywhere else, since most other levels are wide open with no ceiling. I feel like Autumn’s horizontal momentum plummets when she bonks her head, & it just doesn’t feel right & causes me to have trouble avoiding enemies that otherwise are laughably easy to avoid. ¿Did Mario games control like that?

So let’s talk ’bout the rest o’ the game ’stead.

Much nothing

Unbelievably, I have had actually still been working on this project here & there since my last update — though not as oft as my manic episodes in December. It’s just that most o’ what I did turned out useless. Most o’ it was just experimenting with refactoring code so that ’twas less messy & janky. Mainly I tried redesigning the sprite code so that it wasn’t an unheavenly mess, ’specially the sprite states ( floating, on-ground, falling, jumping, & such ), since as o’ now most o’ that’s just a bunch o’ flags sitting in the sprite code, which isn’t e’en always consistent ( whether or not code checks for “is_jumping” or “prev_is_jumping” varies ). Due to the way the block components use polymorphism to interact with all sprites, the Sprite class used by all sprites also has many variables used by only a few sprites, which is wasteful. ’Course, there are many sprites that don’t jump @ all; but worse, there are many variables only used by the player, such as climbing code; but ’cause they’re manipulated by block component code that is run by all sprites ( & all have the same interface, due to polymorphism ), it can only manipulate things that the Sprite class has, since as far as it’s concerned, that’s what it gets a reference to, not any particular subclass. I found a much easier, though less elegant solution: simply have player-specific code in some singleton class, like Inventory or EventSystem. ( Though, now that I think ’bout it, that’d cause trouble if I e’er needed Dagny to be able to climb ).

I doubt any o’ this matters much, since wasted memory is probably the least o’ my efficiency problems, & it’s not as if I’ve had any slowdown. For instance, the fact that Sprites use polymorphism @ all, & thus must be held as pointers in the sprite vector rather than as contiguous full objects means that the sprite code probably has plenty o’ cache misses & such, which is probably far worse than the unlikely scenario o’ using too much memory.

Anyway, I was able to create some rather elegant code @ 1 point wherein, for example, the code for jumping was all divided into a separate class where it didn’t get in the way & only existed for a sprite if it actually used it. The problem is, in every alternate version I’ve made, the physics are off — ’specially the collision. & in the battle ’tween code that’s elegant & code that’s right, the code that’s right wins.

Thus, the current project still has the messy, inefficient sprite code.

An e’en worse problem than this not-serious programming issue was simply a designer’s block in terms o’ level design. Ironically, a task I thought would be easy is probably e’en harder than other ideas I had. This game is a simple platformer — so simple that the protagonist doesn’t e’en have an attack other than jumping on enemies. Making a simple platformer that has some creativity, does something new, is immensely difficult ’cause platformers are a well-worn genre. For instance, I try to think o’ interesting enemies to make, only to realize Mario has already done everything. Every idea I come up with, I hear Dougie chime in my head with his nasally voice, “¡Mario did it! ¡Mario did it!”

I’m also still trying to figure out what to do with the o’erworld map. My main idea is to have a Zelda-like game wherein passages lead to the platformer levels ’stead o’ Zelda dungeons, but I feel that may be too much. Mo’ importantly, the variety would be hard to get right. Zelda games usually have a rather limited set o’ themes for o’erworlds; the 1st Zelda game had, what, ¿rocky terrain, forests, a graveyard, rivers, & mountains? This o’erworld needs to have cities, forests, mines, snowy areas, icy areas, factories, deserts, a store, a Pac-Man maze, sewers… Also, the levels are designed like my spiral idea o’ cycling through themes rather than having themes for each “world”, which would only mesh weirdly for a Zeldalike o’erworld. ¿Would the player just go all round the whole o’erworld multiple times, somehow unlocking ’nother part o’ each area on each cycle?

Media rag Hollywood Reporter ought to learn that if they’re going to puke out political propaganda, they should pick people with actual political accumen to deliver it — not 2 professionals in “shouting incoherently into their microphone”.

They rightfully make fun o’ some nobody celebrity for making a threatening photo o’ Hairpiece with his head decapitation, & then rightfully make fun o’ her narcissistic moaning ’bout what a victim she is for doing so. But then they stupidly turn it into an attack on “political correctness”, or whatever, e’en though she’s the 1 accusing her opponents o’ being “politically correct”. Indeed, she’s doing what right-wing clods do all the time: someone rightfully attacks her for saying something hateful & stupid, & she claims that they’re violating her “freedom o’ speech” much in the same way that calling people racist is a “violation o’ freedom o’ speech”.

After a small snippet o’ fantasy history ( duh, ¿what’s the “Alien & Sedition Act”? ¿What kind o’ low standards did the schools that these ol’ conservatives go to that none o’ these idiots know basic American history? ) they cite a study that shows that the minority o’ Millennials believe racist speech should be illegal & the majority say that “hate speech” — presumably actual threats, since that’s the only way one could differentiate it from merely racist speech — should be illegal. This is as it has always been, just as how slander & shouting “¡Fire!” in a theater is illegal. This is as opposed to people back in the 60s who thought ’twas OK for the government to violently suppress political protests — O, wait, many o’ them still do.

They then turn this incoherent rant into an advertisement for some movie that is an incoherent rant gainst colleges & their “safe spaces” & their “triggers” & their hip-hops. This always bewildered me. ¿How is not being allowed to say things @ a college the same as not being able to say things @ all? I’m not allowed to say all kinds o’ things @ all kinds o’ places, & am not e’en allowed to be on many other premises — ¡including colleges! Hell, only a tiny few people are admitted into colleges; that’s far mo’ discriminatory than the few admitted into colleges but s’posedly silenced. This is ‘specially the case since most examples are famous people who probably aren’t e’en smart ‘nough to graduate a college being protested @ colleges ( ‘course the right to protest speakers isn’t a kind o’ speech that needs to be defended, ’cause anti-PC rhetoric is always Orwellian ).

[ Since I’m lazy, just imagine I included that xkcd comic where the stick figure gives the author’s opinion on free speech for 6 panels, like everyone else &mdash ¡Psyche! ¡It’s the 1 with the vagina, ‘stead! ]

The fact that these 2 are trying to argue that the mere prospect o’ threatening speech ( which they invented — as they themselves said, nobody said anything ’bout suppressing speech, so what relevance this has to their shallow ad can only be that they truly want people to buy their garbage ) that is directly threatening the life o’ the President is modern society going to far is evidence that they’re either brain dead or liars. ¿You truly expect me to believe the FBI would tolerate such a public figure pulling that back in the 60s, 70s, or 80s?

If anything, it shows that freedom o’ speech is healthier now than it’s e’er been. Sure, you can get banned off Twitter or banned from giving speeches @ a college, just as how you could always get kicked off newspapers for the same for centuries; but there’s nothing stopping them from starting their own websites or colleges… Well, ‘cept capitalism — but I’m going to presume these 2 aren’t exactly jumping to “smash capitalism”, or whatever.

We already know America’s doomed ’cause its media is filled with “left-wing” idiots who think drawing pictures o’ someone decapitated & crying ’bout people rightfully calling her stupid for doing so is intelligent discussion & “right-wing” idiots who don’t e’en know basic American history, law, or anything beyond mindless curt sentences.

Late as always, since this shit always gets lost in the couch cushions…

Noah Smith’s actually good critique o’ Silicon Valley: “Useless Gawker-inspired rags with stupid names like Gizmodo & Whatthefuck are hypocrites for criticizing Silicon Valley despite themselves being mostly upper-class white people who do nothing to help others & are a parasitic cancer on the web, when the real problem with Silicon Valley isn’t that they’re evilly well-run businesses but actually incompetent, shittily-run businesses. Also, Peter Thiel is a shitty person”.

Sounds right to me.

OK, so I may have twisted his words a li’l bit on Gizmodo & Whatthefuck ( ¿Deadspin? That’s not a name you give a magazine — that’s a name you give a forgettable Marvel superhero ); but be honest: we were all thinking that.

Also, I love his reaction to the possibility o’ a tech bust: “It’s OK: it’s mostly computer dorks who’ll suffer, not normal people”. Ha, ha: fuck you, nerds; no mo’ $400 PlayStation 4s & $1,000 8-core 16GB-Ram monster towers for you. It’s just abandonware DOS games & SNES roms from now on, just like the rest o’ us plebs — the true sign o’ utter destitution.

What I don’t love is his goofy use o’ a screenshot from some generic tactical war game as some clunky metaphor for some theory vs. evidence bullshit. ¿Are blog readers so stupid that they can’t just read text if there’s not some irrelevant picture somewhere to ease them in? See, Sir Smith still hasn’t learned from the time he flunked economics in collegio — a true story, & a true English word — ’cause he thought it’d be great to put a screenshot o’ Golden Mario running through a bunch o’ coins in New Super Mario Bros 2: The Blandness Returns ’bove the abstract o’ his economic thesis on currency manipulation & fiber equilibriums.

Later on, Sir Smith demonstrated his expert knowledge o’ psychology by spewing some pseudoscientific bullshit ’bout what he called the “shouting class”, but what ordinary call “obnoxious assholes”, & which has existed since the cavepeople days when cavepeople would smash someone with a boulder if they saw a John McCain sticker on someone else’s wheel. This was inspired by him whining ’bout someone making fun o’ some Twitter thread thing he made wherein he talked ’bout how Democrats & Republicans should all stick dicks in each other’s bums & lick each other’s tears & some leftists rightfully called that “Family Circus shit”. This is 100% true if we translate “some leftists” as “J. J. W. Mezun”.

Join me next time as I twist the words o’ ’nother blog post.

Highway to Hell ( revisited )

Music: “Dark Cave”, Pokémon Gold, Silver, & Crystal

A’least the secret exit is rather clever. Here we see the importance o’ being able to take Yoshi from level to level, which is usually considered bad design in Super Mario World hacks: some exits require it. You’d think that since the idea o’ being able to take Yoshi from level to level was so important that I’d do a better job o’ planning for the happenstance in other levels. You’d think since you’re definitely expected to take Yoshi into the room with the key that I wouldn’t put Balls ’n Chains in it with the magical powers to make Yoshi’s head & neck disappear.

Here’s also a case wherein SMW Central’s advice helped: originally the pipe to the keyhole room had brown blocks o’er it, requiring you to go & get the blue P-switch ’gain, double-carrying both it & the key. I wasn’t sure whether to go with this or not till SMW Central made the decision for me, telling me not to require such glitches. I agreed, & am glad, since it would’ve just made this exit excessively annoying.

( Note: you saw me double grab in the secret exit to “Caves that is Cool”, but it wasn’t required there, as you can just carry the blue P-switch o’er to the brown blocks & go back to get the key. Nowhere in LOTFS is double-grabbing required. )

• P-Switch level count: 21 / 32
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

World G: The Lost Woods

There’s quite a difficulty leap here. I remember 1 o’ the people who looked @ this hack @ SMW Central complained ’bout my hack getting too hard too quickly ’cause he played this section near the start — a lesson on the risks o’ giving the player a lot o’ control o’er what level they play next.

This world takes inspiration from “Forest of Illusion” in that it has many circuitous paths. Also, earlier on levels had a theme o’ having names that indicated how lost you were, like “Still lost…”. I found these level names to be too generic & gave mo’ indicative names.

Playing in the BG

Music: “Forest’”, Kirby’s Adventure

Welcome to the world o’ gimmicks, which reveals how late most o’ the forest levels were in development. Having run out o’ ways to make you carry P-switches from point A to B, I’d just read through SMW Central’s lists o’ patches, blocks, & RAM addresses for ideas, & that’s where this came in. I’m surprised I’ve ne’er seen these blocks used in any other hack; you could do so many mo’ interesting things with them than I did.

I thought I remembered being able to skip most o’ this level by just using the changing blocks themselves as platforms, but when playing it this time it didn’t seem to allow me to do that so much. I dunno, maybe I fixed that problem later on.

• P-Switch level count: 21 / 33
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

Teresa’s Triathalon

Music: “Shade Man – Ghouls ’N Ghosts”, Mega Man 7 ( Based on 1st stage theme from Ghost ’N Goblins games )

Despite its name, this level actually doesn’t have much to do with racing, ’cept for maybe a few areas, but timing. I think I started with the idea o’ racing the Goomba disguised as a Boo, but found my ability to design levels round it limited, since if the distance ’tween you & the Boo is too great you’ll get hit; thus I found that timing ’tween the Boo being on wooden parts worked better for puzzles, but then didn’t bother changing this level’s theme to match that or e’en give it mo’ interesting graphics than vanilla Super Mario World’s usual ghost house graphics.

( Fun fact: I believe this level was originally “Ghosts ’n Goblins” & what is now called that was called “Teresa’s Revenge”. I also think that other level originally had a Boo boss, which made that level name actually make sense. )

Also, ironically, the level’s quite slow if you don’t cheat. I have no idea how I missed the fact that someone has ample room to just fly to the main goal without bothering with the long hopping & floating bullshit, but I can understand anyone who takes the faster route. Similarly, one may be better off just damage-boosting to the left to the key room rather than wait for that sluggish Boo to go all the way right & then all the way left. This was a case o’ me coming up with a clever idea, but 1 that wasn’t particularly fun.

• P-Switch level count: 21 / 34
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

Orchid Orchard

Music: “Flower Garden”, Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island

This level name must be so late in development that I didn’t e’en expect it on this playthrough, though I recall the level itself exactly as it was ( though with a slightly better palette now ). I can’t e’en remember what ’twas originally called, though — ¿“Still lost…” maybe? I remember these forest levels originally had level names all talking ’bout how lost you were till I later decided those names were lazy.

Don’t have much else to say ’bout this level, though. Nothing in it is particularly surprising, though it doesn’t feel too ol’ hat, either. We see a variation o’ sorts on the “Some Igloo Level” Muncher puzzle wherein now you start going through with a star & then go back through with a newly-gained Yoshi so you can go back to a pipe near the start & tongue a P-switch out o’ some brown blocks. It’s ’nother instance o’ that ubiquitous blue P-switch, but a’least you don’t have to carry it anywhere. It’s basically just a way to ensure you have to have Yoshi.

Though I just realized that, with that aforementioned ability to take Yoshi into levels, & this level’s conspicuous lack o’ a no-Yoshi sign, one could simply enter the level already with a Yoshi & beat it with li’l effort. Great testing.

• P-Switch level count: 22 / 35
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

Inferno Forest

Music: “Forest Frenzy’”, Donkey Kong Country

I don’t hardly remember e’er playing this level with Yoshi, despite the inevitability o’ beating “Orchid Orchard” with him, & doing so now makes the level much easier. In particular, the fact that Yoshi can walk on fire is somewhat funny — though I guess it’s no odder than the fact that Yoshi can just walk on Munchers. Usually I have a fire flower & accidentally sabotage myself by trying to spin jump off a Piranha Plant, only to kill it with a fireball & land right in the lava.

This level actually originated from a different, mo’ linear hack ( the secret exit was thrown in after I transfered it to LOTFS ), which used icegoom’s Super Mario World Redrawn graphics, which is why they’re used here for the level graphics. I think it works well with the Donkey Kong Country background & music. Mixing forest & fire is also a cool gimmick, though I don’t think I did ’nough with it.

The fire blocks is 1 case where I disagree with SMW Central’s advice, but caved in since I didn’t care that much & didn’t want something so trifling to get in the way o’ submission. They were originally ice blocks, but SMW Central said that didn’t make sense for a fire level. I always found it weird how much o’ sticklers they could be for “sense” in Mario games. It’s like how they complain ’bout floating Munchers, e’en though Mario games have had floating ? blocks fore’er. I always felt the fire blocks made less sense, ¿since shouldn’t fire blocks be mo’ resistant to fire? Then ’gain, I guess they’re kinda like the fire blocks in Wario Land 3.

• P-Switch level count: 22 / 36
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

The ’50s and ’60s ( 1st trip )

Music: “Hippie Battle’”, Earthbound Beginnings

As the info box says, his level requires 1,000 coins. Normally I’d show off how great “Pain in My Temple” is, but it turned out I already had 1,000 coins ( you just can’t see it thanks to zany 1-player Luigi glitches ), so it let me go through. If you didn’t have ’nough, an invisible wall would stop you.

Also note: you only have to pay the fee once, a’least till you reset, so don’t worry ’bout dying.

Not like it matters, since as this level shows, it’s a simple, easy level. It makes you wonder why the game e’en bothered to lock out Yoshi or power-ups. It seems this level hardly does anything but make everything grayscale. Big woop.

• P-Switch level count: 22 / 37
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

Rope-Bee Trees

Music: “Forest Frenzy’”, Donkey Kong Country

For some reason I think the sound o’ the saws goes great with this music.

This is ’nother level that changed quite a bit from what I remember. I remember the secret exit had you follow a rope down to a pipe in the middle o’ the rope section, not @ the end. I guess I feared — or maybe SMW Central told me — that the secret exit was too obscure & required suicidal guessing.

Gotta love that rope that just hangs out down there, though.

I don’t know how I feel ’bout making you go back & forth for the secret exit here. On 1 side, it’s repetitive; on the other, a’least this is challenging, as opposed to “Teresa’s Triathalon”, which was just boring.

I love how the main path ( the room with the blue background ) has so many parts where you can trivially skip harder parts, but I take the harder parts due to my instinct to avoid skipping parts I want to show ( since it’s too easy for me to know how to skip parts, having played this hack millions o’ times ).

• P-Switch level count: 22 / 38
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

Nose-Bleed Trees

Music: “Forest’”, Kirby’s Adventure

As this video shows, there’s a major glitch for the secret exit ( which is necessary to open the rest o’ the path to the green switch ) in that if you get the midway point & then die, you lose the “golden mushrooms” you collected & have to beat the normal exit & restart from the beginning.

While I like how big & explorative this level is, & like the on-&-off water gimmick’s gameplay, — though I wish I’d had the savvy to change the background in some way so that it actually looks like you’re underwater — I think this level has too much. ¿Did it truly need a blue P-switch just to get to the normal exit? ¿Did it truly need a Blue Yoshi to reach the secret exit, which already needs 5 golden mushrooms?

• P-Switch level count: 23 / 39
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 10
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 7

World H: The Sewers

Probably the most exotic level theme in this hack, other than the city theme in that not-truly-much-o’-a-world. I wish this hack had mo’ interesting level themes.

This is the only map to have custom graphics, though I didn’t do much with them. I always felt bad ’bout the blandness o’ the o’erworld’s graphics. 1 o’ the reasons I’d ne’er remake this hack is that I’d force myself to redraw the whole o’erworld, & that would take years.

Pipe Pollution

Music: “Underground ( Super Mario Bros. 3 )’”, Super Mario All-Stars ( same )

This is the 1 level where I’d say I did OK with the layer-2, ’specially the 2nd half. My only problem with it is the beginner’s trap near the end o’ the 1st area: there’s no way to know that you need to bring a shell ’head o’ you to make a vine ( if you don’t have a cape, a’least ), & the level kills you outright if you don’t have psychic powers.

Also, 1 flaw with the 2nd half is that I think it’s almost impossible during the downward portion if you’re big, ’less you’ve memorized the level, as you have to wait a li’l bit as the toxic sludge is going down to see where solid land is, but still have ’nough space ’bove to jump without diving head-1st into the sludge. Then ’gain, I guess you could duck when jumping; but it’d still be much harder, I’m sure. I dunno: I guess it’s not a huge problem. Still, a lesson: always test levels with multiple power-ups, which I definitely didn’t do.

• P-Switch level count: 23 / 40
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 10
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 7

Trash Pack Pipes

Music: “Underground ( Super Mario Bros. 3 )’”, Super Mario All-Stars ( same )

My only problem with the 1st half is the pointless & dickish silver P-switch, which, if you didn’t think to go on a detour, makes you restart the 1st half if you didn’t bring it to the end. I guess, to be fair, you can clearly see it up there @ the start, giving a huge hint that you’ll probably need it. ( ¿Does this game have any optional P-switches? I don’t think it does. )

In the original version o’ this level, the 1st half was the whole level; I later decided the level was too short, so I added the 2nd half. I’m glad I did, as I quite like it & its tricky jumps. I also like its graphics — the trash blocks from Wario Land 4 & the background from the GBA Garfield & His 9 Lives, o’ all things. I wish I’d used these graphics mo’, as the rest o’ this world looks a bit generic ( not helped by the proliferation o’ that clich&eactue; Mario underground music ).

My only problem with the 2nd half is the obvious mistake o’ having 2 midway points, 1 structure-less 1 right in front o’ the pipe & a normal 1 a few blocks afterward. I’m not sure what my thinking was there, but I’m sure ’twas a mistake. Maybe I thought having that white line just floating in front o’ the pipe, e’en for just a few seconds, was tacky & decided to just create a normal midway point, only to forget to get rid o’ the original.

What I find funny ’bout this footage is that I always found the 2nd half hard & usually died a lot in it; but in this playthrough, though I die in stupid ways in the 1st half, I make it through the 2nd half, 1st try, without getting hit @ all.

• P-Switch level count: 24 / 41
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 11
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 7

Climb of Clogginess

Music: “Underground ( Super Mario Bros. 3 )’”, Super Mario All-Stars ( same )

Not much to say ’bout this level. Other than the downward floating section @ the end ( which isn’t all that original, but a’least was ne’er done anywhere else in this hack ), it’s color by #s, “go somewhere to get P-switch, go back to use it to get past brown blocks / Munchers”.

I like how the Bullet Bills round the vines offer almost 0 threat, as the chances o’ them firing ’fore you pass them are thin.

• P-Switch level count: 25 / 42
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 12
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 7

Lab of ‘Difficulty’

Music: “Fight Against an Armed Boss’”, Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars

@ the time I liked parodying kaizo hacks, since I hated them & their proliferation @ the time ( remember, I started making this hack round 2007 ). It’s a joke that isn’t as relevant anymo’, since I don’t think kaizo hacks are as popular anymo’. Maybe if I’d retinkered it into parody o’ terrible Super Mario Maker levels…

I always liked the “puzzle” o’ this 1st room, as it does what I think good puzzles should do: challenges fallacious preconceptions. In this case, the puzzle is based on the idea inherent in Mario games that pipes always have the possibility o’ being transitions to other rooms, conflicted gainst the absurdity o’ re-entering a pipe you entered the level through. ¿But why should that pipe be an exception? It shouldn’t — & there lies the fallacy. It’s not a genius “puzzle”, though — “The Second Reality Project” had already done it back in, ¿what, 2002? Plus, the info box almost tells you, “Hey, go back into the pipe whence you entered”, e’en if hid ’hind a seemingly casual cliché line.

The rest o’ the level is mediocre to bad. The only high point is the cool palettes in the water section that e’en affect Mario & Luigi, which was a bigger pain than you might think ( Lunar Magic itself doesn’t let you give Mario & Luigi custom palettes for each level — a’least it didn’t when I made this ). ’Cept, as you can see, I fucked up, & Luigi temporarily becomes Mario for this section. Otherwise, the P-switch is pointless & the star makes the rest o’ the section pointless.

The 1st section is generic Thwomp dodging. I remember in an earlier version the part where you go upward was harder ’cause the camera refused to scroll upward. Not sure how I fixed it here.

& then there’s the smasher section. I only had that ’cause I for some reason felt bad ’bout not using the smashers a’least somewhere. The problem is, the smasher sections were ne’er good in Super Mario World & they can ne’er be good ’cause they’re slow & boring. Autoscrollers are, in general, boring-as-death levels & I’m glad they’re rare in this game. But this smasher section is terrible ’cause I didn’t time anything well, making it so that you have to already know the level well to avoid death as you need to jump before you can see where you need to jump to to avoid being smashed & knocked off platforms.

This boss is the worst. It’s e’en worse than just the Goomba in the 1st lab, since a’least that was a joke. Not only were Koopas already used for the better desert lab, I was so lazy & incompetent that I didn’t e’en recolor the blue Koopa so that their colors would match the actual Koopa Bros., e’en though it’d’ve been too easy to contemplate.

& then we have the dimwitted secret exit, which is just “notice coins ’bove hole & use that to indicate you can fall in”. Luckily, it just leads to ’nother useless Shroom level.

• P-Switch level count: 26 / 43
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 12
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 7

Shroom of Sewers

Music: “Underground ( Super Mario Bros. 3 )’”, Super Mario All-Stars ( same )

A’least the message is actually useful info this time.

The Green Switch

Music: “The Axem Rangers Drop In’”, Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars

I’d say this is the best Switch. While most are trivial “hop from block to block” with li’l thought to them, this feels like a coherent level with a coherent theme. I die a lot, but I still had fun doing the tricky jumps. I particularly like the subtle difficulty o’ the final jump.

I somewhat wonder if I should’ve made it a bit longer. Then ’gain, too long & this level would’ve been too frustrating.

I do like how I tried to give each Switch ( ’cept the Red Switch ) a theme: the Yellow being flying, the Blue being icy physics, & this 1 being bouncy blocks. I only wish the Yellow & Blue Switches did mo’ with their themes, ’specially the Blue Switch. I also wish the Red Switch weren’t utter garbage.

• P-Switch level count: 26 / 44
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 12
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 7

We’ve already hit all the Switches. Next is Bowser’s Castle, & then off to the postgame.

I think I need to take a break from saying stupid things ’bout programming languages my bipolar personality will probably make me love next month — Lambda Associates e’en guaranteed me — or… everything to do with politics.

So I’m going to go on a nostalgia cruise & read ol’ pages from SMBHQ; & what a better section to read than “Memories”. I fondly remember reading these pages when I was like 10 & had the flu & was blissfully unaware o’ Hairpieces or “racial realism”, when the only thing I knew ’bout Republicans was that they were the elephant, & when the only thing I knew ’bout Bob Dole was… actually, I still only know Bob Dole as the stick-figure avatar o’ the author o’ those sprite comics. ¿Who the hell is Bob Dole?

So, I went with “Week 25”, which the navigation assured me was “new”, as it has assured me since 2004 @ the latest. There’s definitely something new ’bout it, though: I ne’er remembered the starry purple background that looks like it belongs on Livejournal. It truly makes the Toad & dead Wart faces stand out, what with their backgrounds still being white rectangles & all. We still hadn’t developed the technology for transparency in GIFs back then… Well, I & many other had; but not a big site like SMBHQ.

But let’s not spend too much time on that. Let’s relive some memories:

My favorite memory from mario was beating super mario world for the first time. I was 6 and I had been playing all night it was 3 in the morning when I finnally hit bowser with the last koopa thing. When he died at the end I ran through the house screaming I finnally beat it.

Shakespearean — the lack o’ spelling consistency, I mean. As you can see, these were simpler times when beating a child’s game was actually considered exciting & teens danced by shifting their stiff bodies slightly & looking as bored as they possibly could. Ah, the 90s.

This is a good mario memory. After 1 year I finally beat paper mario. I got sooooo happy when I beat bowser. I was happy for the rest of the day. Thank you ninetendo for such a great game.

Thank you, um… Toad… for being such a sophisticated computer generated memory for the 90s.

Anyway, let’s skip the the good memories, ’cause they’re just a bunch o’ people talking ’bout beating a game everyone’s already beaten or getting some bourgeoisie toy from Burger King. Ah, ¿remember the days when I didn’t know anything ’bout the word “bourgeoisie” & my only conception o’ communists… Nope, I still think all communists are Boris & Natasha trying to bomb Rocky & Bullwinkle. That also hasn’t changed.

Also, ¿do you remember when you implanted that chip in my mind? ’Cause that’s the only way you could remember my private memories. I’m on to you.

Usually the weird memories are the best. Sometimes they’re just subtle glitches caused by fiddling the cartridge or dreams they had; but sometimes you’d get these crazy stories that are certainly made up, like 1 where someone s’posedly got a copy o’ Super Mario RPG wherein Mallow flipped off the player & said, “What the hell”, & the guy who sold the game was arrested — ’cause working @ a store that sold hacked games was a vital crime back then.

Sadly I didn’t find that in this “week”, but I did find 1 I had to add:

This is a weird memory! I was watching the Simpsons episode where Homer goes to clown college. Stuff happens in that episode, but in the end there is this guy who has an Italian accent. I enjoyed listening to it. Then it hit me, Mario speaks with an Italian accent too! So I started up a Mario collection. With more than 230 items it’s the largest Mario collection I know of. Mario trays, books, store displays, Mario movie action figures, dolls, food packages, cards, McDonald happy meal signs, candy, Pez dispensers, sheets, Japanese Mario Kart toys, French mustard glasses, video tapes of the Super Mario Bros. Super Show, and much, much more are seen covering more than half of my room. My friend wants me to start liking Star Wars like he does, but Mario is here to stay, and no one can stop that.

( Laugh. ) That’s some logical trail: “I saw some insignificant character on The Simpsons who had an Italian access & hereafter had a fetish for Italians, which is my primary reason for loving Mario”.

Also, ¿what the hell is a French mustard glass? ¿Do French people drink mustard? ¿Why don’t I get to drink mustard?

If anything, I’d say the bad memories were the strangest ones. The 1st was just some ho-hum story ’bout losing Smash Bros. to a suicidally depressed DK. But look @ this next 1:

Smart Tips For Finding Tips

“Go to GameFAQs”.

What the Expectations of SEO Services Should Be

“Expectation #1: Put random articles ’bout SEO in silly Mario fan site to improve SEO. Google just adores this kind o’ thing”.

Expectation #2 is, “Have your front-page story be a 5-year-ol’ bunk rumor ’bout Shigeru Miyamoto retiring”.

SEO is the acronym for search engine optimization. Search engine optimization can be utilized by a service provider to increase the number of website visitors. High ranking placements in the search results page ensures that this number is increased. Accessibility of a site to a search engine is ensured by this service. Also improved is the probability of the page being ranked highly by the search engine.

“thanks to crappy search engines, I only found dumb articles ’bout which programming language I should learn in 2015 in 2016 ’stead o’ how to find all the bonuses in “Oil Drum Alley”, so I ne’er 100% the game!!!!!”

One should look for a reputable company when choosing SEO agencies.

Like SMBHQ. Those paisanos will fireball any content Piranha Plants that clog the pipes leading straight to the top o’ Google.

The SEO Company that comes first by simply searching on the web is the best.

( Laughs. ) ¿What?

For this reason, for it to be the first to appear on the result page it must have performed highly.

Or they paid Google the most ’cause the 1st entries are ads.

The best need not to be ranked here it is important to note.

This is the kind o’ deep Buddhist koan that I had to ruminate o’er for hours. There’s just too much meaning.

( Laughs ). I’m sorry, I can’t get o’er how the rest o’ the sentences in this paragraph are all simple declarative statements that are all very similar in length.

SEO companies that cannot offer information should not be chosen.

It’s genius insights like these that made SMBHQ the world renowned experts o’ SEO.

Though this, um, “memory” goes on quite long, it ends only with a button asking me to read more. Hovering o’er said button makes said button spasm out.

The next memory, also by that real character, [email protected], starts with, um, “Study: My Understanding of Sites”…

“Reasons for Using WordPress.”

“What is laziness”. Now, I’ll take “Answers by the Mushroom King” for $200…

Perhaps you have always wanted to design a website but then you do not have the skills.

Unlike SMBHQ, which shows the highest quality o’ web design standards.

Do not worry as WordPress has got your back.

WordPress creepily watches you as you sleep.

As a business owner, you always need to consult with your web developer whenever you need to change or add details on your website.

1. I’m not a business owner; 2. ¿What relevance does this have with WordPress? ¿& what relevance does WordPress have to fucking Mario memories?

WordPress is easy to use and access.

“Easy to access” is a great quality for websites. “Awesome. I always wanted to tell hackers to come right in, make yourself @ home”.

With its various themes, you will be guided on how to go about it.

¿Go ’bout what? ¿Showing the whole world your tacky tastes in themes?

Before WordPress came, everyone had to deal with the developer even long after they are done with the web design, even to change the smallest details, one couldn’t do it on their own, so every time your called developer you had to pay them.

See, now we have 1 huge sentence that is truly just multiple sentences without proper periods.

WordPress was the 1st CMS to e’er exist, & the only hereafter. ’Twas the CMS that Adam used to post ’bout that weird fruit that his friend God told him to stay ’way from.

With WordPress created websites, they are accessible from any kind of screen or browser as long as you have proper internet connection.

Before WordPress, people had to have PhDs in computer engineering to get a simple web page full o’ ol’ game glitches to appear on their computer. WordPress truly revolutionized the internet.

WordPress, enables you to easily add so many plug-ins on your website as long as they don’t conflict.

“& in doing so, you will make your site grind to a halt on users computers so they won’t want to use it on any kind o’ screen or browser”.

These days most websites have a video or audio icon on them.

Just 1, though — this isn’t 2050 already; we still don’t have flying cars.

The link adding happens on your control panel.

I don’t know what I love most, the mysticism in the term “the link adding happens” or the fact that this is wrong. The “link adding” happens in the “post adding” section.

Most people look for websites that once they are done reading through your website or watching videos, they can then say something about it, you also feel nice getting feedback from your viewers.

I always feel nice when I get such deep comments as, “very best job prednisone tablets to reduce the likelihood of exposure of blood borne pathogens. Practice sites shall have estrace cream coupon exchange of selected faculty and residents. Individual private donations have been key phenergan use intranet or internet based resources. buy fluticasone online activities and assignments, students will build upon knowledge and skills developed in the first”

This means that website created using WordPress are more secure than any other website, always inquire from your developer whether they have WordPress software, and if they don’t recommend it to them.

Every web security expert starts cracking up laughing.

¿What “this”? You didn’t provide any “this”. You did nothing mo’ than that Flinstones storytelling device where you warp time to after the actual explanation, so you have just “…& that’s why I can ne’er be round children anymo’”.

With WordPress however, the software creates websites that are already optimized, either to Bing or Microsoft Network (MSN), so you do not have to worry that your website will not be seen by search engines.

This has nothing to do with security. Also, MSN isn’t a search engine. It’s owned by the same company that runs Bing.

People create websites so that they can be able to market their products, services or even themselves.

Well, they did say that sex was the primary resource online.

Allowing you to have eye catching headlines on your website or blog, WordPress has made it easy for people to become more curious with the headlines they get on your website.

WordPress also single-handedly invented the H1 tag.

Unlike other website software where you have to pay a developer to help you crack it, WordPress is absolutely free and comes with unlimited validity.

You can’t question the quality o’ a CMS that comes with “unlimited validity”.

Damn it, SMBHQ, I came here to forget ’bout web development. ¿Why you have to pick on me & trick me like that?

It’s like seeing a website that’s been neglected for years now beginning to be reclaimed by harsh mother nature, with these tacky blog posts as the weeds. SMBHQ is the Flint, Michigan o’ websites. ¿Where’s Michael Moore to make a documentary ’bout this truly pressing issue?

Join me next week as I revisit TMK & find out it’s been taken o’er by YouTube videos ’bout losing weight.

World C: Shroom City Mainland ( revisited )

3 mo’ levels from this disparate “world”.

Piranha Trap Pass ( revisited )

Music: “Overworld”, New Super Mario Bros.

As expected, the secret exit that clearly leads to that wide space on the left side o’ the map to the left is on the left side o’ the level.

Mo’ evidence that I redid this level @ a later time: I wisely got rid o’ the blue P-switch that was here before & just had the pipe open @ the end. Originally, the blue P-switch was where the fire flower now is in the cave section, on the far left side, a copy o’ a trick I use later, so ’twas redundant here. Similarly, the pipe @ the end used to have brown blocks round it, in a much less interesting copy o’ a few levels we’ve already seen.

As I show in the cave section, while I added an extra pipe to allow one to get back up, this only added a way to get stuck & be forced to start-select out or wait for the timer to kill them if they haven’t beaten the level yet. That pipe was added @ the behest o’ SMW Central back when the P-switch was still there as it made it impossible to beat the level if you made it past there without grabbing the P-switch & you didn’t have a cape. ’Course, since the P-switch is gone, there’s no reason to need to get back up anymo’, so it would’ve been better had I ne’er added that pipe @ all.

I have mixed views ’bout the main challenge o’ the part after the cave: though I like the way the tricky jumps don’t outright kill you if you fail, which is nice for an early level, the fact that you have to swim all the way back makes it almost worse. Also, the ease is a bit silly considering all the levels with plenty o’ bottomless pits round this level. If you can’t handle these simple jumps, I don’t know how you’d handle the level after the next — or the level before this 1.

• P-Switch level count: 14 / 22
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 4
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 3

Totally Stoned

Music: “Marble Zone”, Sonic the Hedgehog

The name’s a joke my teenage self clearly thought was funnier than my current self.

Here’s a level that taught me a devious hack to trick people into thinking a level’s design is less boring that it truly is: spruce up the visuals. The level’s mainly just the same simple gimmick o’ breaking open clogged passages with Koopa shells, which I found rather boring. But I ’specially found the original graphics, which were just a typical tree BG from a few levels & the normal graphics found in many other levels in this hack, so I changed them into Sonic graphics to make it a’least look mo’ interesting. Now ’stead we have to deal with tacky cut-off thanks to the top o’ the grass being move-throughable.

’Course I also spruced up this level by cutting out a lot o’ the filler pap. I remember an earlier version had this long section where you had to go up some stone tower & dodge a bunch o’ Koopas to get a throw block, & then you had to race down so you could throw it @ a brick to pass through. Actually, I think just moderating that would’ve been better than cutting it out completely; might’ve made this level a bit mo’ interesting.

The layer-2 section is 1 o’ the least bad implementations I’ve done, ’specially thanks to the weird gravity-defying Spike Top.

I do like the final trick o’ the shell-kicking gimmick @ the end.

• P-Switch level count: 14 / 23
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 4
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 3

Bootropolis

Music: “No Eating Crackers in the Theater”, Mother 3

O, this level. This is 1 o’ those levels that’s big, but quite a bit o’ it is irrelevant — a’least parts o’ the night section. One could also argue that this level falls into a bout o’ trying to do too much & not keeping focus. ¿What do Munchers on pipes have to do with a city haunted @ night? ¿& why would the pipes be high up in the sky? ¿Wouldn’t it make mo’ sense had I put it underground — specially since I don’t think there were any bottomless pits in the day portion, so it shouldn’t have conflicted with the upper portions. There’s also some copied parts: the whole “Disco Koopa chases you through spike blocks you have to navigate through” gimmick’s already used later, & here it’s easily made trivial by just rushing forward, not allowing the Disco Koopa to drop from its perch.

The dark half is also mixed in quality. On the good side there’s the death holes scattered in the formerly solid streets, emphasizing the uglier side o’ the haunted night section, as well as just how generally mo’ twisted the dark side looks; on the other, some parts are just jarringly off, like the big holes o’ nothing in many places, such as round the top, & the weird section with the weird white Piranha Plants with the spike holes that slowly kill you ( since you can’t jump out o’ them ). Also, I’ve noticed that Boo Carousels — whatever they’re called — aren’t truly challenging; they just waste your time.

Still, I have a bit o’ a tenderness for this level. The way the level changes @ night & the weird Muncher-infested pipelines in daytime have character, & while SMW Central complained ’bout the need to intentionally kill yourself to continue past the “Ghost Mushroom”, or whatever it’s s’posed to be ( while admitting that the infinite lives makes it less mean ), I still stand by it as clever & no harsher than some o’ the puzzles considered legitimate in other hacks. It’s basically a power-up filter that gives you some power-ups afterward, which is mo’ lenient than some hacks give you.

I’m surprised the puzzle I made for fighting the Boo boss hasn’t been done mo’. I’ve seen convoluted pipe mazes you have to kick shells through, but ne’er a straight race to hop up platforms with a throw block before it disappears. But as the video shows, mine was a bit mo’ lenient: there’s a Koopa that offers a’least 1 guaranteed hit; & technically one could get 1 o’ the many Koopas lower down, if desperate.

I should also probably ’splain the arrow coin pointing down next to that pipe in the 1st area:

That was a friendly li’l riff on SMW Central who kept complaining ’bout blind jumps in LOTFS. Sort o’ imagine some asshole hacker saying, “Uh O: better warn the player that it’s OK to fall down this long fall”. I’m not sure why I felt the need to tease them, since I’m sure I should’ve agreed with them — I’m certainly no fan o’ blind jumps, & they certainly don’t fit in LOTFS’s main mission o’ not being a bullshit kaizo hack.

Finally, I always hop off the side o’ the building as the Boo boss reaches the bottom o’ the screen ’pon dying, causing us both to plummet back to the bottom o’ the tower ( since the Boo boss doesn’t die till it goes off-screen, regardless o’ where the camera moves ), & was saddened when purplegoomba64 didn’t do it. ( Also, I forgot all ’bout that o’erworld glitch that happens afterward in that video. )

• P-Switch level count: 15 / 24
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 5
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 4

World F: Mt. Windsnow

Music: “Walking the Snowy Mountains”, Final Fantasy V

Earlier on, this world was much shorter: there was just “Mt. Windsnow”, “Caves that Is Cool”, “Celsius Lake” ( though as I’ll mention when I get to it, it changed immensely, too ), & the lab & switch levels. Feeling ’twas unfair to have this world so short, I lengthened it; now, ironically, it is probably 1 o’ the longest.

& the very original version, when ’twas called simply “JJW Game” & none o’ the levels were e’en made, it looked completely different:

Mt. Windsnow

Music: “Freeze Man Stage – Iceberg Area”, Mega Man 7

A simple but challenging romp that I actually had fun playing. It helps that I wasn’t as familiar with this level as most o’ the others, so it actually felt fresh. I particularly like the part near the end where you have to walk down staircases with spikes, something that’d be trivially easy if not for the ground being slippery.

You can tell I changed this late in development by the use o’ quite a few custom sprites. For some reason I hardly e’er used custom sprites. It’s not that I found them hard to use; I just ne’er thought ’bout it for some reason.

I’m not sure why I felt the need to tell players to use Birdo’s egg to continue through the level; ’twas a trick ripped straight off from Super Mario Bros. 2, & that game didn’t have to tell players what was an obvious use.

• P-Switch level count: 15 / 25
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 5
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 4

Caves that Is Cold

Music: “Blizzard Buffalo”, Mega Man X3

I’m thoroughly satisfied with the 1st half, which was also spruced up late in development. The level design was simply tightened up, with the P-switch run actually being timed so that there’s some challenge, & not just me trying to guess when would be the right time to end it; but the true improvement are the foggy graphics. The original version was just a bland blue cave.

The 2nd part is still lame. I think I tried to shorten the raft section from the original version, but it’s still a slow-ass raft. I ’specially love the bat that’s pointless, since it’ll always flutter below you as your raft rises. I think the keyhole secret was the only reason I kept the raft section.

The blue P-switch is useless. Yeah, it challenges you to realize you can go left sometimes; but that’s it. Also, this level reuses the “go to end to get switch so you can race back to a pipe near the beginning” gimmick already used back in “Basidio Bridge” & “Dark Desert”.

• P-Switch level count: 16 / 26
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 6
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 5

Celsius Lake

Music: “Underwater Tunnels”, Wario Land II

A nice bonus level that’s hardly challenging @ all. There’s not e’en much to say other than to point out how sparse this level looks ( the background’s just some Game Boy style kelp ) & how lazy I was that I couldn’t e’en make whatever it is that’s keeping you from freezing to death not blue mushrooms — ’cause it makes sense that blue mushrooms warm you up. Also, ¿why’d I let the bar go red when you’re close to freezing? Should be the opposite.

Originally, there was a different level here: 1 where you had to hop on dolphins hopping o’er deadly water, with some sections in which deadly water ( purple ) & safe water ( cyan ) jarringly stood right ’side each other. It sucked hard, which was why ’twas replaced. Just wanted to remind you that as weak as these levels may be, there were far worse before.

• P-Switch level count: 17 / 27
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 6
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 5

Shroom of Shivers

Music: “Freeze Man Stage – Iceberg Area”, Mega Man 7

I may be misremembering, ¿but wasn’t the secret sea world already hinted @ in ’nother “Shroom” level? God, these levels are so repetitive, I couldn’t e’en stop myself from repeating messages, ¿could I?

Hotel Baltic Ave.

Music: “Fortress”, Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island

Not long after the long “Bootropolis” we have ’nother long level.

This level has a history. When I was making it I had grand plans that this would be my “magnum opus”, a’least for this hack. I think I was watching raocow play The Second Reality Project 2 & was champing @ the bit a bit @ how nice it looked, so I decided to make a super snazzy looking level that uses 6 whole graphics “banks” all for itself. I certainly think it still looks nice, since it uses graphics from Wario Land 4, which looks great. I only wish I could’ve done mo’ with the outside graphics. I also wish I’d had any talent with porting music & could’ve made a port o’ “Crescent Moon Village”.

That said, I think the level fails to keep up with my expectations. The 1st problem is that my expectations were high: I wanted this to be some huge, nonlinear level full o’ secrets & exploration — something close to “Hotel Horror”¹, which is where these graphics originate. But as you can see, it’s quite linear, actually: there’s just a bunch o’ rooms with short puzzles to get 1 out o’ 4 topaz quarters, or whatever they’re s’posed to be, to get through the door to the midway point, with a few pointless rooms with power-ups & coins. I dunno, I feel like I could’ve done mo’ with the different floors.

Worse, this level’s imbalanced: after the midway point you have a long ice area that, as the video shows, is literally just a troll job — a self-inflicted jab @ my o’eruse o’ “take item @ point A to point B to get item to unlock point C, etc.” All you get for completing it is a fire flower… which you need to start the puzzle. & after that you have a short hallway with the cheapest Fishing Boo e’er ( I swear in 1 o’ those deaths in the video the flame just warps to where Luigi is ), & then a short climb upward. What we had for a exploratory level turns into pure linear, color by #s level design.

But the absolute worst is the secret exit. You have to go through the whole 1st half ’gain, & then you just go left in the hallway with the Fishing Boo. That room has no challenge & the puzzle was done in a much funnier manner in Brutal Mario. ¿Why bother with the secret exit when ’twas so clearly thrown in & just makes the level mo’ repetitive & annoying? ’Cause this was my magnum opus & ’course there needed to be a secret exit, e’en if it serves no purpose.

If the secret exit were gone, it wouldn’t be too bad, though. I guess some o’ the puzzles are clever, like Yoshi-jumping bridge-building or that secretly challenging room with the Chargin’ Chucks… or a’least they would be clever if you couldn’t mow through them with a cape, as the video shows later on — a cape you’re pretty much guaranteed to have since the level gives it to you & you need it to reach the switch.

• P-Switch level count: 18 / 28
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 7
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

Some Igloo Level

Music: “Blizzard Buffalo”, Mega Man X3

See, this 1’s almost the opposite: it has much cleverer level design, but banal graphics. A’least it’s secret exit is something different.

Just a few points to say ’bout this level:

• That midway point is hilariously devious — though not in a particularly punishing way, since there’s a fire flower right there.

• I don’t demo it, but the purple water is instant-death. Probably should’ve put a message box warning ’bout that. Funny, since I read a SMW Central person complain ’bout “Highway to Hell” not warning ’bout its deathly water, e’en though there is a message box telling you exactly that in that level, but didn’t say anything ’bout this level.

• I don’t know why getting in that passage to the keyhole is so hard while big.

• I probably should’ve shown off where the vine area leads ( ¿why are there vines in an igloo? ), but I’m sure it just leads to a power-up — a power-up not worth the effort to get. I wasn’t great @ balancing challenges & corresponding rewards.

• I like the last puzzle, the way it challenges you to do platforming to get through the Muncher patch @ 1st, but lets you easily run o’er it with the star. I generally like sections you go back & forth through, but in a different way ( such as that 1st “Dead Shallows” section ).

• P-Switch level count: 19 / 29
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 8
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

Holy Shit It’s Cold

Music: “Freeze Man Stage – Iceberg Area”, Mega Man 7 / “Hot Head Bop”, Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy’s Kong Quest

This was the place I was talking ’bout when I mentioned saving my swear words for someplace special.

But the funniest thing is, as purplegoomba64 mentions, this is probably the worst level to have this name, since it isn’t that cold: ¡half o’ it is a molten volcano! The whole gimmick is that it goes back & forth through ice & lava, àla “Hailfire Peaks”.

I don’t like this level. It’s not terrible; it’s just lame. There’s not much to the switch ’tween the 2 types: sometimes lava turns to water & sometimes ice cubes melt. You have to go through the 1st section in both versions, & it hardly changes ’tween them, making it repetitive.

Also, the use o’ the P-switch here has to be the worst in this entire game. Not only is it a copy o’ the “go backward to find it hiding in a corner”, but it makes you wait right after the brown blocks you turn to coins so that a brown block you do need to use as a platform turns back to a brown block. I guess the idea was to challenge the player not to go too fast & grab the coin, but that’s stupid. Worse, it’s a tricky jump that’s easy to fail, forcing you to go through all that ’gain.

The graphics also look like shit: brown Donkey Kong Country mountain background looks tacky. The various clouds @ the top look stupid & are pointless. In general, the level looks thrown together — like that pipe that’s just there in the middle o’ nowhere in the lava version o’ the 1st section. I guess it’s s’posed to be hard to notice, since you need to go into it to beat the level, but it just looks lazily designed.

The lava version is particularly worse, & it takes up more o’ the level than the ice section, e’en though this is an ice world. I don’t know — this level just feels wrong. It irks me. Let’s speak o’ it no mo’.

• P-Switch level count: 20 / 30
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

Lab of Blizzards

Music: “Hunffin’ and Puffin’”, Paper Mario

Here’s a much better level. It’s definitely the best lab level, with the best boss.

If I remember correctly, originally this level was just the 1st half, which I found trivially easy for where ’twas placed, so I added a 2nd half. This half, in contrast, has quite a ridiculously hard jump o’er instant-death… ¿cold lava? I don’t know what that’s s’posed to be.

Also, I think the cracked frozen lava edges in the 1st half are @ the behest o’ SMW Central, who are infamous for hating cut-off. Can’t complain ’bout the decision; cut-off is tacky.

The boss is the only good 1, since it’s an actual clever puzzle, & it’s not just a Goomba or a bunch o’ Koopas. The only problem is you have to be careful, ’cause if you lose all fire flowers, you’re screwed.

• P-Switch level count: 21 / 31
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

The Blue Switch

Music: “The Axem Rangers Drop In’”, Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars

This level, meanwhile, is too easy ( e’en if I die a bunch in the video ). Most o’ the switches in this game feel anticlimactic; this 1 could’ve had much mo’ depth.

• P-Switch level count: 21 / 32
• Levels with mo’ than 1 switch: 9
• Levels with mo’ than 1 o’ the same switch: 6

We’re already halfway through all this game’s levels & have only 1 mo’ switch to hit.

Nothing says smarmy pseudointellectualist like naming your website Château Heartiste. If you look @ the “about” page, you’ll see it’s ’bout… ¿some artsy vector cartoon o’ 2 incredibly bored-looking people leaning into each other o’er a couch, ’bout to kiss? After that there’s just a contact form. “About” != “contact”.

Worst: I had to manually type out the carat A in the website name ’cause I couldn’t find the footer bar. I’ve now found it on the navigation bar. You clearly just used some WordPress theme & you still fucked up by picking 1 o’ the most asinine you could.

Anyway, the post we’re looking @ is, “Single White Women Want To Spread Their Legs For The World”, which is presumably ’bout my favorite porno wherein Lucy jams globes into her vagina.

Psyche. This is a super serious intellectual piece ’bout… fuck if I know. Pretending to be intelligent, obviously.

What other conclusion are we to draw when the voting behavior and opinions of single White women corroborates exactly what this post’s title asserts?

Please tell me this guy isn’t trying to claim that white women voted for Hairpiece ’cause they want a piece o’ his… hair… Ugh. I’ll just boil myself in acid for a few hours now.

From Bigly E, another id-buster post that reveals a leetle too much about the vagoconductive currents that emanate from single White women’s hindbrains.

Considering half o’ these words you made up, I doubt it reveals anything.

He next shows an immensely relevant graph o’ demographics for opinions on Trump’s brilliant plan for keeping out immigrants, borrowed from that apex o’ technological advancement known as ancient China. These demographics are, indeed, embarrassing, as they show that a li’l ’bove the majority realize how dumb a plan it is & that the majority o’ 3 mutually exclusive groups, “whites”, “all men”, & “married men” are dumb ’nough to think it will work. This only proves that white men are truly the least racist, ’cause only someone so ignorant o’ racism that they ne’er heard the popular slur gainst immigrants — “wetback” — could think that a purely land-based wall would be an unstoppable block to immigrants.

Single white women are more opposed to a big, beautiful wall than Asians, blacks, or even Hispanics are.

& here we see white men smashing that ol’ stereotype that only women are ditzes who love frivolous things simply for beauty, regardless o’ substance.

*twatpalm*

Either these statistics or the sexiness o’ Hairpiece’s wall made Heartiste stick his hand straight into his vagina & slobber with pleasure. Great.

Single White women are, presumably…

No, I’m going to stop you there before you make up some totally valid, unquestionable sociological analyses from the venerable source o’ science known as your rectum.

Hey, you know, this is clearly going to judge white women for not liking pretty walls that don’t do anything; but the polls show that blacks & latinos hate it almost just as much. ¿Why isn’t this post called “Blacks, Latinos, & White Women Want to Spread Their Legs for the World”? I expected mo’ cultural sensitivity from a man like you.

…for those of them…

Fuck, no, I didn’t say you should continue. ¡Stop!

…who still have a bit of bloom on the rose…

Stop plagiarizing shitty Irish poetry & get serious now.

…actively trawling the sexual market for cad and cavalier…

That is, indeed, odd. I would expect sex.

Thus, they are in their stage of life when all faculties, mental, emotional, libidinal, are focused to a pinpoint of estrogenic vitality, with the familiar shit-testing behavioral profile that vitality presupposes.

See, when I mix fancy words & words like “shit”, I’m trying to be funny, ’cause I’m obviously aware that nobody can take “estrogenic vitality” & “shit-testing” in the same sentence seriously.

This means, single White women are limbically primed to be aroused by dominance and a ZFG attitude in men…

See, this is what people rightfully make fun o’ bearded white men for doing: arm-chair psychoanalysis that’s half based on made-up concepts. It’s just there so the author can smugly tip their dumbass hipster hat & say, “You just don’t get it, man”. But I do get it: it’s cliche science fiction. I read this exact thing in Dark Moon Mirage, that “#1 thriller” that I bought from my local drugstore — you can’t fool me, “Heartiste”.

…and those men who fall short in these traits are dumped into the beta orbiter/friendzone with a quickness, when they aren’t rejected outright

You know white men — sorry, I mean White men, ’cause we’re back in the 19th century, — have it bad when their biggest fear is, DUM DUM DUM, The Friendzone. I don’t know what he’s complaining ’bout: the friendzone sounds like a wicked fun place to be. I bet they have pizza & arcades 24 / 7. Certainly sounds better than some stupid fucking wall in the desert.

The dumping can be literal, or metaphorical, as in a political friendzoning that weakens the electoral power of White men.

“I talk ’bout this in my science fiction novel wherein the Friendzos invade earth & subjugate the US under their tentacle powers”.

As a social phenomenon, a large chunk of America’s White men have spectacularly failed the dominance/ZFG test.

Well, in my defense, I ne’er e’en took the test. ’Cause it doesn’t fucking exist.

America the Shitlib Feminist Shrike…

Stop, stop. Go back to a thesaurus & learn words that aren’t inherently silly & then maybe I’ll take your pseudoscience seriously.

…has effectively neutered White men…

Awesome. Now I get to fuck as much as I want without worrying ’bout popping out some brats.

and unmasked them for romantically unappealing doormats to single White women.

The greatest crime o’ White women is finding out the secret that white dorks who spend hours o’ their time typing reams o’ pseudointellectual slop online might in fact be unappealing. I’ll ne’er know how they cracked that secret.

As women are wont by the essence of their sex to spread their legs for the dominant tribe’s men…

Sorry, ¿did I say we were stuck in the 19th century? I meant 19th century BC.

Also, wouldn’t the “dominant tribe’s men” be the people in charge — i.e. Hairpiece & his circus. Looks pretty white to me.

…they will wish…

But they don’t do so yet, since that would require this author to not write in the most hilariously pretentious way possible. Here’s a word you probably don’t know, but should probably learn: “hypercorrection”.

…to see tribal battles play out…

See, the slight problem with this guy’s “research” is that it’s based entirely on his ’bouts o’ furious fapping to his favorite episodes o’ Xena: Warrior Princess.

…so that they may enjoy the luxury of choosing winners and their winning seed.

¿Can I add a South-Park-like warning that blinks the words, “This isn’t made up. These people actually believe this”. Now I see why Hairpiece is so nonchalant ’bout climate change; if I had to hang out with these idiots all the time, I’d wish for the whole world to drown, too.

The single White woman desire for open borders is nothing less than a desire for alpha male interlopers to test the mettle of their betatized male loafers.

I take back what I said gainst those Lisp-using racists ( all 1 o’ them ): a’least they were entertaining. This idiot just makes me want to fall asleep.

A massive civilizational shit test, if you will.

No thanks — but I can clearly see you’re passing with gold stars.

For this reason, it was always a mistake to entrust the nation’s future to its native daughters…

Damn. Well I guess voting for Pocahontas for the last election was stupid after all.

…especially while in their pulchritudinous primes.

Stop plagiarizing Lovecraft.

Women are more xenophilic than men…

I think all those ads I see on Pirate Bay & Zoom V — whatever his stupid name was — tell a different story.

…and this difference goes deep, all the way to the Darwinian pulses…

Made up by someone who’s ne’er read Darwin.

Heartiste goes on to throw out his listicle o’ solutions to the serious political problem o’ his bitterness o’er some women he liked preferring a black guy o’er him ’cause the black guy doesn’t actively make her brain melt with subliterary tripe like “pulchritudinous primes”. None o’ these will actually be put into place, ’course, ’cause Hairpiece is too cynical to care & too incompetent to get anything done, anyway, & ’cause the brunt o’ Heartiste’s political strategy is wishful thinking & sending his bored fans to roam Twitter calling random women fat. In that spirit, most o’ these goals are totalitarian & could only be enjoyed by the kind o’ people with absolutely no individualist self-respect. So, they’re basically what laissez-faire libertarians strawman socialists as being — ’cept on the right wing. Maybe if you guys actually cared ’bout individualism you’d spend mo’ time attacking these guys & less people who raise tax — O, ¿who am I kidding? These guys liked Pinochet. They don’t give a shit ’bout anything but money.

I welcome further suggestions from the commentariat.

Suggestion #1: don’t use stupid words like “commentariat”.

An “overfeed the beast” strategy that I sometimes see entertained by crueler elements in the Exasperated-Right won’t work…

I think he’s confusing politics with the lingering plotline o’ Johnny the Homocidal Maniac. “Listen to that Pillsbury Doughboy, Johnny: trying to keep the wall painted with the blood o’ your victims is futile…”

…if you dump millions of Dirt World trashkin into single White women playgrounds…

Woah, woah, woah. I was joking before, but I seriously want you to stay ’way from li’l white girl playgrounds — I don’t care how many bootleg Pokémon you have in your long, black jacket.

…all that will accomplish is an increase in the murder, rape… and miscegenation rates.

Well, yeah: I guess it makes sense that after you rape & murder all the li’l white girls you’ll have to go after the dirty ethnics. Now I see why it’s so vital for white women to keep their fertility so high: ¡they have a huge murder spree this maniac has planned for them to outpace!

The bleeding heart politics of these dumb bunnies won’t move an iota.

( Laughs. ) You have all these obtuse, pretentious labels that are basically just “poopy head”, & then you have “dumb bunnies”. “Shit: my thesaurus ran out. Ah, fuck it: nobody not lobotomized’ll read past this part, anyway”.

No, the way forward is for White men to retake control of their homeland and scoff at the precious political boilerplate their women solipsistically indulge.

“The plan is for uppercase white men to take absolute control from the majority through the magic o’ saying bad things gainst them”. Shit, if that worked, I should be Dictator for Life already. I love how these idiots who clearly weren’t paying attention to politics for decades happen to barely luck into having their favored politician win once & they think that means they have the right to be kings. That’s why the Supreme Court was able to block parts o’ your master Hairpiece’s dumbass travel ban, despite his magic powers. You know someone has the most childish conception o’ politics — & should probably save their words for something they actually know something ’bout — when they think the president o’ the US is the supreme ruler o’ the country. “Duh, ¿what’s the branches o’ government? I ne’er went to middle school…”

Then ‘gain, when a guy who thinks, “People who disagree with me are dumb bunnies”, tells me I have to support it, I have to.

I can tell you…

Yes, you’ve shown your ability to tell a lot, & I’m sad for it every time.

…that if we refuse to tackle our shared single White women problem…

“¡We must bomb those filthy Mormons in Utah!”

…the nonWhite…

¡Nope! ¡I’m done! I tolerated a lot; but I fucking rage quit @ camel-case races. The fact that any alt-right douche has the fucking gall to accuse me o’ being an “SJW” when this pretentious shit goes on in their fucking lawn is laughable.

But Now the Greatest Hits

The page below “About” is “Alpha Assessment Submission”. Presumable “alpha” refers to a male’s intellectual development, with “alpha” being the Big Riggs Over the Road kind o’ mind, while filthy Betas are those who have figured out how to make the other truck move.

Submit in the comments below conversations in the form of texts/phone calls/voicemails/face to face interactions that you have had, or plan to have, with women you are attempting to bed.

“Send me your private info so I can jerk off to it”.

I love how he can spell look up how to spell pulchritudinous, but he can’t get “face-to-face” right.

I can bet that these comments are 100% true & not fantasy trips by insecure egotists.

For instance, let’s look @ some o’ the lines o’ the top comment, from a guy whose icon represents what he probably is in real life: a Commodore-64-era dick.

I’m too badass to be a mere bf.

“…I said as I drew my Dragon Ball Z pictures in 6th grade”.

That’s a label, and I don’t think we’re the type of people who are given to labeling ourselves.

What I love most ’bout the alt-right is that they mix the worst o’ both the left & the right: pretentious douchebaggery & bigotry; the intellectual rot o’ cowboy conservatives & the frivilousness o’ rich liberals. It’s like science finally engineered the least likeable people in the universe.

Her: Hmm, I’m not sure I understand, but if what you’re trying to say is that you don’t want to be tied down, that’s ok because you can do what you want and so can I. = )

Me ( 6 hours later ) : Hey, guess what I overheard the hairdresser telling her girlfriend about me?

Her ( immediately ) : What? ( etc. etc. )

That’s literally how it ends. What a badass ending — right up there with Gohan finally defeating Cell.

If you enjoy the feeling o’ having your dick ripped off & having it slapped gainst your face… No, I still wouldn’t recommend reading mo’. & if you’re a woman, well, imagine how much worse it must feel to have an imaginary dick ripped off & slapped gainst your face. It’s not e’en your own dick. ¿Whose dick is it? I don’t want some other fucker’s dick gainst my face — I don’t know where it’s been.

Next I have “Beta of the Year Award”, after this shitty WordPress theme takes a million years to load. I expected it to be an “Hour o’ Hate” for prominent feminists or whatever online, but ’stead found it to be a place for people to bitch ’bout rappers they don’t like anymo’. Next.

Then you get “Dating Market Value Tests” — a pretentious way to say, “How Good You Are @ Being a Prostitute” — for both men & women, which is proof that Heartiste has the apex o’ gender-equality beliefs. Unsurprisingly, these are just the writer throwing out his particular tastes in men & women as if they were scientific fact, ‘cept without that vital element o’ science known as “evidence”. In truth, you should get -1,000,000 points if you’re pathetic ‘nough to take dating advice as law from some random nobody on the internet, ‘specially when that writer is so professional that their top posts have such titles as “Penis Size Around the World”, “The Sixteen Commandments of Poon” & “Li’l Asian, Tight Pussy” ( my other favorite porno ). It’s like the guy’s screaming to the world ’bout how much he wishes he was the next George Carlin with all these edgy titles, yo, ‘cept without anything resembling the cleverness, originality, or charm that made Carlin actually interesting. Also, it’s 2017 & nobody ‘bove the age o’ 15 reacts with anything but embarassment @ these clunky titles.

Also, ¿what’s up with the occupation scores? ¿“Struggling web designer”? Well, yeah, I can imagine being a struggling anything would be unimpressive; ¿why is “web designer emphasized? ¿& where’s the score for someone who’s a well-off web designer? ¿How will Andy Clarke know his potential for getting some prodigious fucks? ¿Is this our grand Heartiste revealing a bit mo’ ’bout himself than he meant to? ( As if the clunky WordPress theme weren’t ‘nough. )

Worst, Heartiste gives up the chance to make silly obviously-wrong answers. For his “In the middle of the conversation you have to pee” question, which apparently enraged Commodore-64-Penis Man in teaching young men not to tell women everything ’bout their juicy bladder needs — which is, indeed, sexy & the best way to connect pipes — he could’ve added an answer, “Raise your hand & go, ‘Ooo ooo. ¿Can I pretty please use the bathroom’? I have to go reaaaally bad”. I’m disgusted by your lack o’ fun ‘bove all else.

Also, I heavily disagree with some o’ his points. For instance, “I’m thirsty. Are you thirsty? Let’s go inside and taste DC’s finest tap water. But you can only stay for a minute, I have to get up early” definitely shouldn’t get points, ’cause that’s a shitty pick-up line — ‘specially if you’re 1 o’ the vast majority o’ people who aren’t in Washington D.C.

I also love how in his woman test, 15 – 16 year ol’s get a higher score than people in their upper 20s. Turns out my joke ’bout him being a pedophile isn’t all that wrong. That’s unfortunate.

The women test is also hilariously wrong & obviously tends purely toward the fantasies o’ an insecure man rather than resembling anything close to real human behavior. Apparently women who have won several sports trophies have the worst time getting dates.

It’s obviously mo’ a sad case o’ someone trying to encourage other people to act the way he wants them to do than anything resembling true advice.

Next we have “Diversity + Proximity = War” which only reminds me o’ my favorite anonymous sprite comic critic. “¿What the hell? Diversity + Proximity = Shitty”. This time the author actually does have studies — a bunch o’ links to studies with summaries & no analysis deeper than that. I’d be surprised if the author e’en read them all & didn’t just get them as hand-me-downs from some other white-supremacy site. Meanwhile, that fucking dork Noah Smith actually bothered to do mo’ commentary on much o’ the studies, & shockingly ‘nough, the results are mo’ questionable. Still, Heartiste deserves points for going a li’l ‘bove the usual standards.

“Shit Cuckservatives Say”, meanwhile, is a quick return to rock-bottom standards, with a regurgitation o’ a meme that was ne’er funny to begin with. Alt-righters in their deep narcissism & lack o’ political knowledge seem blithely ignorant o’ the fact that they’re the weird ones in the right wing, not those lame ol’ conservatives who are too busy for that childish Pepe shit, “God damn it, when I was your age I was walking 8 miles in the snow everyday to some coal mines to work for 16 hours a day, & now you hipsters are meming up my Republican Party, ¿what’s going on in this world anymo’?”

This post is just a bunch o’ quotes that I’m s’posed to think are stupid, e’en though Heartiste doesn’t bother to ‘splain why, ’cause he’s so narcissistic that he can’t imagine needing to actually convince anyone anything. That’s great ’cause it means he won’t e’er have any influence on anyone: either they’ll already nod their heads or they’ll leave in bewilderment or annoyance. Either way, nobody’s mind’s changed, & thus there’s no point, since there’s certainly nothing inherently funny ’bout “Unions destroyed Detroit”. ¿Is Heartiste 1 o’ those “Realist Left” who think capitalism is a conspiracy by the illuminati to make black & white people put dicks in each other’s bums & lick each other’s tears? ‘Cause if that were true, I’d definitely support capitalism, ’cause that sounds immensely sexy. ¿Or is he 1 o’ those people who thinks talk o’ economics @ all is a Marxist conspiracy & that obviously Detroit was ruined by those whorish bitches who won’t sleep with me :(. Heartiste, you need to ‘splain your views in mo’ detail so I know what kind o’ crazy racist you are — there’s all kinds o’ flavors.

I made the mistake o’ looking @ the last page, that famous treatise, “The Sixteen Commandments Of Poon”, that’ll surely put Heartiste right up into the echelons o’ Aristotle, Sun Tzu, Hume, J. S. Mills, & Baldwin, & regretted it. Most o’ it’s a guide on how to act like a child in reaction to children — clearly the only women Heartiste has e’er encountered, judging by how he thinks relationships work. Tip to Heartiste that he’ll definitely take to heart: you attract people like yourself. I’d stop to take a look round the kind o’ people you find yourself surrounded by & then take a longer look in the mirror ‘fore it’s too late & you end up like Hairpiece, wishing for the floods to come.

The last thing I don’t get is the sidebar labeled “Chaos”, which links such prominent alt-right websites as “Stuff White People Like”. I’m not sure if this guy doesn’t get irony or… doesn’t get irony & failed to do so here. “Chaos” seems to be 1 o’ those words infantile men throw round so they can feel like Nero from the Matrix — the “manly” version o’ “epic”. Like with “epic”, it just makes you look laughable. I’m guessing these 5 sites that are the true representation o’ leftism is meant to be a slag gainst leftists, since they are, indeed, inane.