The Mezunian

Five Finger Death Punch, oft given the amazing appellation, “Five Flavor Fruit Punch”, is 1 o’ those bands that isn’t as well known to you fucking normies like Nickelback or Limp Bizkit are, but to geriatric millennials like me who still care ’bout rock music — well, a’least ’nough to make jokes ’bout it — […]

9. SS Tea Cup Story 3: Get in the Tea Cup The most interesting swimming level in this game, especially with the unique mechanic o’ the eels you have to dodge by quickly swimming in front o’ them & swimming back ’way, & then rushing past them as they pull back. Granted, I’m mixed on […]

15. Go to the Cellar!! Story 2: Avoid the rocks! The central mechanic o’ falling rocks o’ randomly varying sizes — small rocks, which can be grabbed & thrown, & large boulders that make Wario flat — is unique & clever. Unfortunately, going to the other extreme o’ this game’s most common problem to the […]

21. One Noisy Morning Story 2: Turn off the giant faucet! The better “flooded castle” level, replacing the sluggish swimming round bubbles & Drills with mo’ exciting platforming challenges o’er rapids that threaten to push you back whence you came, including 1 place with furniture that keeps spawning from broken-open holes, only to break ’pon […]

27. Maze Woods Story 2: Defeat the giant spear man Riding the moving turtles, introduced in this level, is refreshingly rare in this game, being used only twice mo’; & tho it is an autoscroll mechanic, a’least this level was laid out in a way that minimizes standing around doing nothing. Nor is it used […]